HAIKU INTERNATIONAL

dead alert

2006-10-30T20:20:00.000-05:00

Happy All Hallow's Eve Eve, friends! It's me, world-renowned adventurer and bon vivant The Haiku Master with a dire message for one and all: stay off the streets for the next couple nights if you want to live!!!

After all, the zombies are pretty thick out there this time of year.

Zombies Rule The Streets Of Baltimore Every Halloween

Heck, they got my across-the-street neighbor while he was walking his dog last night! One of them ate the heart right out of his chest while another gnawed on what appeared to be his genital region. Horrible way to go. Horrible! I would've helped, but the Sultan of Syllables adopted a strict policy against combating the undead following last year's scare. Besides, I can't be expected to do everything for our grossly overpaid law enforcement community!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if I can figure out who this "Mister Cruise" is the Haiku-Bot keeps calling. He better not be planning a vacation, I'll tell you that much!

Best,

something's wrong with that robot

2006-10-25T20:35:00.001-04:00

I'm glad you're here, fan club members! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm hoping you can help me with a problem.

It's the Haiku-Bot, see; he's been acting screwy ever since I got back from the Himalayas. For starters, he's taken to wearing a tough-looking sleeveless smoking jacket. He also appears to be more... roboty. If that's possible. With red, beady little eyes. But that's not what worries me.

The Haiku Master Can't Put His Finger On It, But Something's Different About The Haiku-Bot These Days

No, it's his attitude that really has me on edge. He barely does anything I ask him to, and when he does, it's always with a boat-load of lip! Then he spends all his free time in the basement, making phone calls that he refuses to discuss with me. Oh, and his once world-class hoagies? I think he's buying them from the gas station down the street!

All of which makes me think it might be time to send H.B. to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a tune-up. In the meantime, should you have any robot psychology tips, feel free to send 'em my way. I have a feeling I'm going to need them.

Best,

another day, another disappointment

2006-10-23T19:06:00.000-04:00

Howdy ho, 'ku believers. It's me, The Haiku Master, still having no luck at getting once-trusted Haiku International operatives to flock to my banner now that I've returned. In fact, even H.I.'s former Minister of Operations & Defense Oswald "Oz" Carver turned me down!

Haiku International's Former Minister Of Operations & Defense, Oswald "Oz" Carver

"Carver residence," he said when I called earlier. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Oz?"

"Maybe. Who's this?"

"It's me, Oz -- H.M.!"

"Aych Em?"

"H.M.! You know, The Haiku Master!"

"Oh, you. What do you want? And make it fast, halfwit, I'm a busy man."

"Uh... well, as you probably expected, now that I'm back from the Himalayas--"

"You call this fast? Cut to the chase!"

"I--"

"While we're young!"

"Er--"

"Goddammit! Enough with the monkey noises! Speak, man! Speak!"

"Okay, okay! I'm relaunching Haiku International and was wondering..."

"Not! Interested! Good day to you, sir!"

"But--"

"I said 'good day to you, sir!' Now shove off!"

With that, he hung up. Or rather slammed the phone down, as my still-ringing ear can attest. What a jerk.

Oh well, I didn't really want his fat ass hanging around Castle Haiku again anyhow. And frankly, he scares me. As does his blog. Good riddance to bad rubbish as far as I'm concerned. Me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

getting the band back together is proving difficult

2006-10-22T10:20:00.001-04:00

Come on in, kids. It's your old friend, The Haiku Master, but I'm feeling a little glum... 'cause I'm having very little luck getting firm commitments to future adventures from formerly staunch Haiku International agents and associates!

I know, I can hardly believe it myself! The nerve of those bums -- now I know how Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane! At any rate, here's a run-down of what some of the more notable ones say they're too busy doing to help me out if I find myself in a pinch:

• Paulo: Running a cockfighting academy in Pescados Muertos, Mexico. Think Han's island in Enter the Dragon, only replace "Han" with "Paulo," "island" with "bombed-out Mexican village," and "kung fu" with "cockfighting," and you'll get the idea.

• Professor de la Groove: Doing tantric research aboard the International Space Station, along with some call girls and his assistants Ralphus and Malphus. Not scheduled to return to Earth until mid-2007.

Ralphus

Malphus

• Texas Kelly: Managing an up-and-coming "boy band" down in Austin, TX, with the help of his longtime sidekick/Bizarro Bush clone, Dubya. He says the band, Young Taint, has superstardom in their grasp, and he can't leave them alone at this juncture without fear of some other manager stealing them away.

Dubya

• Angelina Jolie: Bitch shacked up with Brad Pitt, in case you hadn't heard. Pitt can have my sloppy seconds for all I care -- I've got my eye on Scarlett Johansson these days, anyway. Besides, I've never viewed a houseful of adopted street urchins as desireable.

So there you have it. Good thing the Haiku-Bot and new H.I. operative Brother Ko are onhand to get my back if things get hairy. Ooh, not to mention the Haiku Street Irregulars. I wonder what those scamps are up to, anyway? Guess I'll leave a bottle of hooch out by the trash cans and see how many show up. Those kids sure love their liquor.

Best,

just like old times

2006-10-21T18:49:00.000-04:00

Welcome back, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, just returned from a trip to the local Piggly Wiggly, and you'll never guess who I ran into -- my sometime ally and sometime foe, Old Man Winter!

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter (Right) Both Love Shopping At Piggly Wiggly

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master!" he shouted as we crossed paths in the dairy aisle. "It's me Haiku Master, Old Man Winter! Remember me?"

"Of course I remember you!" I replied, clapping him gladly on the shoulder. "How've you been, old soul?"

"Eh, as well as can be expected. You know, what with me being old and all. But hey, Haiku Master! My name's not Old Soul! It's Old Man Winter!"

"Yes, of course it is. So, anything new?"

"Yeah, there sure is -- I got married, Haiku Master! Whaddya think of that?"

"That's fantastic! Is the blushing bride here?"

"Nah."

"Oh, at home then?"

"Nah."

"Uh... alright then. Where is she?"

"Oh, she's dead. I froze her to death, Haiku Master! I froze my little buttercup right to death!"

"That... that's tragic, man! I don't know what to say."

"Eh, don't worry about it. I'd gone off my meds for a bit, and you know how I get when I'm off my meds."

"Don't I ever."

"Well okay, Haiku Master! It was good seeing you!"

"Likewise, old friend."

"No, Haiku Master, you got it all wrong again! It's Old Man Winter! See? Old Man Winter!"

"Right you are. Don't be a stranger now, hear?"

"You betcha, Haiku Master! Catch you later!"

Old Man Winter walked off, leaving me to finish my shopping. Sure was nice seeing the guy. Too bad about his wife, but then, any woman who marries Old Man Winter kind of gets what she has coming.

Best,

home sweet home

2006-10-20T19:30:00.000-04:00

Hail and well met, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, back at last from my retreat atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain, ready once more to thrill you and chill you with the singular brand of high adventure that I and only I can deliver! Plus, plenty of run-on sentences and exclamation points!!!

Believe it! As I type these words, I'm safely ensconced back in the loving arms of my state-of-the-art crimefighting headquarters, a.k.a. Castle Haiku. In fact, I returned just this afternoon, accompanied by Haiku International's newest operative, Brother Ko. He was one of the monks at the monastery where I was staying, but wisely fled with me once we discovered the place was actually a front for a nefarious angel trumpet operation!

The Haiku Master (Right) And Brother Ko (Left) Make A Triumphant Return To Castle Haiku

In fact, that tale is an Epic Saga in its own right, but it'll have to wait -- the Haiku-Bot just dropped off a fresh plate of hoagies, and I still have half a bottle of George Dickel: The Official Whiskey of The Haiku Master to finish before I hit the sack. I'll catch up with you fine folks later, at which time I shall still be... The Haiku Master!

Best,

happy cinco de mayo

2006-05-05T20:15:00.000-04:00

Greetings, 'ku believers! No, you're not hallucinating again -- it's really me, The Haiku Master, writing from my top secret base of operations atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain to wish you a drunkenly happy Cinco de Mayo!!!

That's right! Don't expect this to become a habit, though. See, ever since leaving Baltimore I've been living with a bunch of monks, which is about as much fun as it sounds. Talk about uptight; they even have a whacko "code of silence," and force me to abide by it too. All of which leaves very little excitement with which to regale you. And like it says on my business card, "If I can't excite, I ain't gonna write."

From Left: Brother Lo, Brother Ko, The Haiku Master, Brother Po, Brother Ho, And Brother Mo

But seeing as Cinco de Mayo is the Sultan of Syllables' all-time favorite holiday, I decided to liven things up by slipping tequila into the monastery's drinking water... and brother, was it ever worth it! The whole crew is talking up a storm, and some of 'em even got into fistfights. Plus, I'm pretty sure Brother Lo is suffering from a bad case of alcohol poisoning as we speak! Talk about a fiesta!

Too bad my old sidekick Paulo can't be here to give it that authentic Mexican flair. Or Santo and Blue Demon, for that matter. Truth be told I miss all of the old crew: Paulo, the Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, Angelina Jolie, Professor de la Groove... heck, even slick Texas Kelly and his weird Bush clone, Dubya. But alas, those days are gone. I'll keep sending you Friday Haiku though -- assuming you people keep paying your annual dues, that is.

Best,

-----------
p.s. I hear that Haiku International's former Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, has started a "blog" called Oz's Funhouse. I'd check it out, but that guy gives me the creeps. Not to mention the fact he works blue. Very blue. You have been warned.

by the way, this blog is done on hiatus

2006-02-02T21:45:00.000-05:00

Hey there. My name's Shelton, but you probably know me as "Haiku International's EX-Minister of Information." or some such goofy stuff.

At any rate, hate to be the bearer of bad news and all, but the Haiku Master is gone. Vamoose. Split town. About a week ago. He said he was headed off to a hut in the Himalayas to concentrate on his haiku. concentrate on the haiku part of his act, but just between you and me let's just say that the big guy made more than a few enemies on Baltimore's illegal gambling circuit.

The good news is, I have sex with dogs. he signed over all rights to "Castle Haiku" to me before leaving. Too bad the Castle is just a burned-out rowhouse with little more than a tattered couch and a bum-fire-trashcan set-up. And a lot of pizza boxes. And old underwear. Don't ask.

I also suffer from sever mental retardation. So I guess I'm going to sell it to what's known as a "flipper," so as to try and recoup the years of back wages that doofus owes me. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I always say. Actually I never say it but it seems appropriate for the occassion.

So go on, beat it. That is why The Haiku Master fired me. 's not coming back, and you're all on your own. You're better off, trust me.

--Shelton

p.s. The Haiku Master rules, I drool. He stole my laptop before splitting, so chances are he'll keep spamming you all with that "Friday Haiku" crap. Word to the wise.

i'm joining the shriners

2006-01-12T23:27:00.000-05:00

Great news, adventure junkies! It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have a mind-blowing scenario for you: I'm been invited to join "The Shrine!"

That's right! The Sultan of Syllables and The Shriners, together at last! In fact, I've already taken the requisite tiny car and fez for a test drive, and I must admit to looking sharp in both -- as seen in this picture!

The Haiku Master And The Shriners: Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together

How'd this come to pass, you ask? Turns out the Potentate of Baltimore's Boumi Shrine heard that I recently received my Master Mason degree in Freemasonry (from a Bahamian correspondence school--ed.), and wasted no time in inviting me to join his hallowed brotherhood. Given how much Shriner membership has to offer, I wasn't about to decline his offer!

Okay for now, kids. I have a full slate of Shriner induction ceremonies tomorrow, so it's time for your hero to hit the hay.

Best,

smells like victory

2006-01-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome back, kids. It's me, The Haiku Master, here to thrill you with the conclusion of my savage arm-wrestling contest against my Mirror Universe opposite!

Though in all honesty, there won't be many thrills, save this one: thanks to the Haiku-Bot's Titanium Arm-Wrestling Exoskeleton, I won the bout without breaking a sweat! As a result, my doppleganger withdrew all claim to my honored name, and he and the fugazi Santo & Blue Demon returned from whence they came. Hopefully that's the last I'll be seeing of those jokers!

With that settled, I treated the real Santo & Blue Demon to some pipin' hot pizza -- sausage, natch! After that, we hung out and played some video games, messed around in the big plastic jungle gym, the works. Heck, Santo and I even got our picture taken with Chuck E. Cheese himself!

Santo (Left) And The Haiku Master (Right) Mug With Chuck E. Cheese (Center)

So as long as there are no objections, I guess I'll check this one off as the latest in a long string of successful adventures for the good ol' Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Thanks again for your support!

Best,

fistful of robotic fist

2006-01-09T20:25:00.000-05:00

What's happening, folks? It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm pleased to report that my Mirror Universe counterpart has been run out of town... and it's all thanks to my robotic man-servant, the Haiku-Bot!!

The Haiku-Bot

That's right! See, after wrapping up last night's post, I called H.B. into Castle Haiku's stately library and laid out the situation for him: my evil opposite, Chuck E. Cheese, the arm-wrestling challenge, etc.

"Bzzt," it said. "I see Mr., The Haiku Master sir your. Problem is a lack, of wrist-grappling ability combined, with questionable forearm. Strength. Correct?"

"Uh, yeah," I said. "What you said. I think."

"Bzzt. Here watch, this," it said, handing me a dusty VHS tape.

"This being..?"

"Over the, Top a 19, 87 Sylvester Stallone film focusing, on arm-wrestling."

Over The Top: It's No Rocky

"Oh. Well, what are you going to do while I'm watching this?"

"Bzzt. I am going to, construct an arm-length exo, skeleton made, from titanium but indistinguishable, from your real arm which, will ensure you victory in, tonight's. Contest."

H.B. was as good as his word, and by the time I'd finished watching the saga of struggling trucker Lincoln Hawk and his foray into the dangerous world of professional arm-wrestling, the exoskeleton was ready.

Now that I think about it, though, I'm going to wait 'til tomorrow to tell you how things went down at Chuck E. Cheese. Mostly because Santo and Blue Demon just showed up with a car-full of tequila and senoritas. Catch you later, non-rhyming poetry fanatics!

Best,

double trouble

2006-01-08T23:06:00.000-05:00

Try not to make any loud noises, 'ku believers. It's your friend and mentor, The Haiku Master, and I'm a little spooked right now... for I just had a second encounter with what can only be my opposite number from the nebulous Mirror Universe!!

It all went down earlier tonight. Two of my most respected peers -- Mexico's El Santo y Blue Demon -- are in town on business, so I decided to treat them to one of the best restaurants Baltimore has to offer: the local Chuck E. Cheese!

Santo y Blue Demon

After picking them up at the BWI, we hightailed it over to Chuck's in time for our seven o'clock reservation... only to be told that I was already inside, dining with two friends!

"Eh, pardon the presumption old friend, but if this is some kind of convoluted ploy to evade footing the bill, I'll be more than happy to pay," said Santo, in an extremely rare use of English. "Business is good these days, and I'm far too hungry to stand here quibbling over finances when we could be dining on this renowned rodent's authentic Italian cuisine."

"No, Santo, I assure you," I assured him, "this is no trick on my part!" Then, to the maitre'd: "Now see here, my good man! How could I possibly be dining with two friends when my two friends and I stand here before you?! Riddle me that!!"

"Whoa whoa, take it easy, dude!" said the maitre'd. "Look, all I know is some dude calling himself The Haiku Master showed up about 20 minutes ago with two other dudes. Heh, they even look kinda like your buds, only fatter. And, uh, Frencher. See for yerself if you don't believe me!"

I peered into the dining room, and gasped -- for it was none other than my tracksuited doppleganger, accompanied by extra large, French-ified versions of Santo and Blue Demon!

"That's it, I've had about enough of this!" I shouted with conviction. "You there -- you in the tracksuit! What do you think you're doing, telling people you're me?"

My opposite paused his pizza-eating, and whispered something in French to his companions. He then rose, removed the paper bib from 'round his neck, and approached me.

The Haiku Master (Left) Faces Off Against The Fake The Haiku Master (Right)

"So, you think you're The Haiku Master, huh?" he said.

"What?" I said. "No, I don't think I'm The Haiku Master. I know I'm The Haiku Master!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Prove it."

"What?"

"You heard me. Prove it."

"Prove it how?"

"Shit, I don't know. Say, how much can you bench?"

"Bench?"

"Yeah, you know. Lift."

"Lift?"

"Yeah, lift. Like weights."

"Weights? Oh, I don't know... somewhere around 500 or so?"

"500?" he said, incredulously.

"Or so. Yeah."

"500!?"

"Yeah. 500."

Mirror Universe The Haiku Master giggled, then poked my bicep. He turned to the fugazi Santo and Blue Demon and spoke French. All three exploded in laughter.

"Okay, tough guy, okay," he said.

"Okay?" I said.

"Yeah, okay, you got yourself a deal."

"Deal?"

"Yeah, deal."

"What deal?"

"Deal is, tomorrow night you and your boys meet me and my boys right back here at good ol' Chuck E. Cheese."

"And then?"

"And then... you and me are gonna arm-wrassle."

"Arm-wrassle?"

"Wrassle, wrestle. We're gonna lock arms, and whoever pushes the other guy's arm down wins."

"Oh," I said. "Oh, I've never been too good at that game."

"Too bad."

"No, I said too good."

"I -- look, never mind all that. Whoever wins the arm-wrasslin', wins."

"Wins what?"

"The rights to be The Haiku Master, of course. Got it?"

"Got what?"

"Look, here's the thing. Just be here tomorrow night at seven, or you lose."

"Lose what?"

"Just be here at seven, tough guy."

With that, the three Mirror Universe immigrants left, leaving myself, Santo, and Blue Demon with a half-eaten pizza and plenty of questions.

"They also stuck you with the bill, dude," said the maitre'd as he dropped off said tab. "Thanks for choosing Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid."

So there you have it, loyal readers: the gauntlet has been thrown! Check back in tomorrow night to see how everything turns out. In the meantime, I'm off to practice arm-wrestling with the Haiku-Bot. If he can go "Over the Top" as well as he makes hoagies, I just might have a shot at winning this thing. Wish me luck!

Best,

straight back into the game

2006-01-06T22:26:00.000-05:00

'Sup, yo! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a double-barrel blast of earth-shaking events to share with you tonight! Are you ready? Huh, are you? Are you?? Okay then, here we go: I'm officially back in the haiku business, and I'm telling you all about it with the 200th Haiku International "blog" post!!!

That's right! Friday Haiku -- my weekly email mailing list that originally ran from June 2003 - June 2005, and, uh, contains haiku and gets delivered on Fridays -- got relaunched today with an all-new, highly collectible #1 issue, and will continue until I eventually get bored and retire it again. Designed to disrupt workplaces worldwide while converting new haiku disciples, Friday Haiku is one of the many free services offered by Haiku International. To subscribe, or to learn more about how H.I. can help you live a fuller, happier life, drop me a line at thehaikumaster@verizon.net. In the meantime, here's the first edition of the new F.H. volume for your reading pleasure:

Curdled, hardened milk
To my mouth from cows' bellies
Damn straight I love cheese

Good stuff, huh? As for this bicentennial post... well, shucks; I guess I owe it all to clean living. Spreading haiku and fighting crime aren't easy tasks to begin with, and get downright dangerous when combined on a regular basis, but rest assured the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is chock-full of skills with which to pay those bills. Count on it!

Best,

----------------------
P.S. If any wanna-be Encyclopedia Browns out there try counting each H.I. post, it's true they won't find 200. But remember, grasshoppers: many of my Epic Sagas were originally published in serialized form, and can encompass anywhere from 6-12 posts each. Frankly, I'm shocked you would doubt a paragon of virtue like yours truly in the first place.

full moon fever

2006-01-04T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well well well, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, bringing you news of a highly important legal precedent: "the moon" has been ruled a legal form of expression in the State of Maryland (link goes to MSNBC.com)!

A Lesson In Irony: Mac Tonight, While A Moon, Is Unable To Give Someone "The Moon"

And it's about damn time, might I add! Take it from me, loyal readers; few laughs in life are as heartfelt -- and inexpensive -- as those gained by shining a well-timed moon at a gaggle of local yokels from the passenger seat of a fast moving vehicle. Plus, as the gentleman in the news report demonstrates, a good moon's also the perfect capstone to a well-reasoned argument, leaving your opponent little option but to cede victory or discuss the matter further with your buttocks.

Okay, li'l dumplings, I have to split -- there's chatter on the police wire about a gang of black market giraffe dealers operating out of a seemingly abandoned warehouse down by the docks. Frankly, if that's not a job for the Sultan of Syllables, I don't know what is.

Best,

always nice to hear from old friends

2006-01-02T13:54:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon, gentle readers! It's me, The Haiku Master, fresh off a delightful visit with one of my oldest, truest friends, the legendary adventurer known as Balthazar the Goat!

Don't Let His Big, Brown Eyes Lull You Into A False Sense Of Security; Balthazar The Goat Is A Renowned Master Of Headbutt Fu

Turns out Balthy was looking for some advice regarding his son, Li'l Balthy. I happen to be the lad's godfather, and was happy to help.

Balthazar The Goat, Jr., A.K.A. Li'l Balthy

"I don't know what to do with that boy!" Balthy wailed, gnawing on the wallpaper in Castle Haiku's stately library. "I've been grooming him for the family business from day one, but instead of fighting criminals, all he wants to do is skateboard and make out with girls! Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!"

"Hmmm," I mused, absentmindedly stroking my chin and wondering whether or not a beard would make me look more stately in such moments. "Well, old friend, consider this: must the pursuits be mutually exclusive?"

"You mean..?" he gasped in wonder.

"Precisely -- work the skateboarding into his crimefighting routine. Hot, sweaty make-out sessions with appreciative fans shall surely follow... for both of you!"

"Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!" Balthazar shouted with joy. "The Haiku Master, you've done it again! How can I ever repay you for this wisdom!"

"Well for starters, you can stop gnawing on my wallpaper. That stuff's not cheap, you know."

"Oh, sorry about that," he said. "Heh heh. Didn't even realize I was doing it."

"De nada," I assured him. "But, uh, you're still doing it."

"Oh, I am?" he said between mouthfuls. "Terribly sorry, could've sworn I already stopped."

"No... and, um, you're still doing it. See? Teeth? Eating the wallpaper? Still, uh, still happening."

And so it went, until I finally had to enlist the Haiku-Bot's aid to escort Balthazar off the premises. Still, it was nice to see the old sport again.

Balthazar The Goat Heads For Greener Pastures, Prepared To Headbutt Any Who Dare Cross His Path

Guess that's it for now, fan club members. H.B.'s been busy in the kitchen for the past fifteen minutes, which means there's bound to be a hoagie with the Pharaoh of 5-7-5's name on it by now... or my name's not The Haiku Master!

Best,

looks like saban's got a future in miami

2006-01-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

Come on in, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, dropping by to wish you all a happy New Year -- and to congratulate Nick Saban vis a vis his stellar performance in his first year as Head Coach of the World's Greatest Football Team, the Miami Dolphins!

Miami Dolphins Head Coach Nick Saban (Right) Prepares To Use One Of Moe Howard's Favorite Moves On An Underachieving Player

That's right! Back in November, the situation was bleak; the 'Phins were 3-7, and Saban was looking like a bust. Shucks, even I'd given up hope! But then, KAZANG!!! Saban cracked the whip, put the peddle to the metal, and six games later his motley crew of old men, gimps, and massage specialists are sitting pretty at an over-.500 9-7 and second place in the AFC East -- no mean feat for a team that went 4-12 the year before!

Unfortunately, the Dolphins still didn't make the playoffs, but they can take pride in knowing they were the first Miami team since, hell, the dinosaurs walked the Earth to win all their December games. Which is why I say: Nick Saban, Sa-lute!!

Okay for now, kids. My big New Year's party was a blast but there's still a heck of a lot of cleaning to be done around Castle Haiku, and if I don't keep my eye on the Haiku-Bot he'll never finish. The Haiku Master, out!

Best,

out with the old, in with the new

2005-12-31T11:37:00.001-05:00

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, ringing out the Old Year with the last Haiku International post of 2005!

Unfortunately, I have a lot to do before Castle Haiku's gala New Year's party later tonight, so this isn't destined to be one of my better crafted missives. Instead, I'm going to borrow a page from the hack journalist's playbook and present you with a slapped-together list of top 10 stuff; heck, let's call it The Top 10 Things The Haiku Master Ate In 2005! Here we go:

1) Sausage Pizza: If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, but nothing tastes better than a pipin' hot sausage pizza. Ask for it by name!

2) Hostess Snack Cakes: My obligatory crimefighter endorsement deal with them aside, there really is no finer snack cake on the market. Twinkies? Zingers?! Ho-Hos?!? Only as a last resort as far as I'm concerned!

3) Hoagies: Thanks to the Haiku-Bot's deft hoagie-making abilities, this category made a big jump in the past year, and may even be a serious contender for the top spot in 2006!

4) Lucky Charms: Nothing says breakfast like a paranoid, gold-hoarding leprechaun. Also great as a late-night snack straight out of the box!

5) Cheese: And plenty of it.

6) Hamburgers: Two of my close, personal friends, Jughead Jones and Wellington J. Wimpy, turned me on to these bad boys at an early age, and I've never been able to say "no" to them since.

7) Mashed Potatoes: My preferred movie-watching munchies.

8) Gravy: Goes great by itself, as well as with a variety of other items -- including #s 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9 on this list.

9) Chewing Tobacco: Most wouldn't consider this a food, but if you've got the stomach for swallowing, you'll find it to be a real delicacy.

10) Pop Rocks: A classic never goes out of style.

So there you have it -- the Top 10 Things eaten by the Sultan of Syllables in 2005. Look for next year's list in about 12 months, and until then, have one hell of a Happy New Year!

Best,

they turned me loose

2005-12-30T11:09:00.000-05:00

Get back, funky cats! It's me, The Haiku Master, free at last from the fortune cookie factory where I'd been held hostage for the past week!

Though as it turns out, I wasn't actually in a fortune cookie factory. 'Twould appear I drank too much port wine following the Airing of Grievances at my gala Festivus dinner, then climbed into an empty fortune cookie case and passed out before we even got to the Feats of Strength. Being the trickster he is, H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to tape the box shut and secure it in one of Castle Haiku's many stately broom closets before leaving for a holiday visit with his family in Cuba. Or was it Puerto Rico? One of those Caribbean republics with bananas and goats and what-not.

The Haiku Master Spent A Week In This Box

At any rate, he returned last night and let me out, laughing uproariously at his own hijinks. I would've fired him on the spot for this effrontery, but nobody loves a good prank more than the Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Besides, even schoolchildren know that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Okay for now, 'ku believers. Time for yours truly to prepare for the big New Year's Eve bash I'm hosting tomorrow night! As always, look for your invitation in the mail, assuming you rate one!

Best,

i'm being held hostage in a fortune cookie factory

2005-12-28T00:31:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, and the headline of this post is no joke. At least, I don't think it is. Look, all I know is this: it's dark, and it always smells like fortune cookies. So you tell me.

And to answer your question, no, I don't know how I was able to make this "blog" post, what with my current circumstances and all.

Okay for now; I think I hear someone coming. Might have to bust out some Haikung Fu to get out of this one. If I don't resurface by, say, Friday, be sure to let Paulo know I'm in danger.

Best,

fantastic festivus to all, and to all a good night

2005-12-23T20:17:00.000-05:00

Buuuuuuuuurp! Gahr der, fawks. That is, hi there, folks -- it's me, The Haiku Master, just finishing up the last of Castle Haiku's fine Festivus Ham before moving on to the traditional Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!

Nothing Says Festivus Like A Delicious Ham

Nice looking piece of meat, huh? It sure was, I can tell you that much. But now it exists solely in the memories and bellies of my Festivus guests. And who might they be, you ask? Frankly, it's none of your business, but if you were to assume they include esteemed peers, trusted agents, and lovely ladies (i.e., him, The Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, four call girls, and me--ed.), you wouldn't be far off the mark.

That's it for now, gentle readers. My date for the evening is insisting we begin the Airing of Grievances now, and when have I ever been known to refuse a lady? Except for that female cop who wanted me to take a field sobriety test. She was a real bitch.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus,

i hate sharing

2005-12-18T11:34:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, but I must warn you I'm a little nonplussed this morning... because TIME Magazine decided to split its Person of the Year honor amongst myself, Bono, and Bill Gates, rather than just giving it to me outright!!!

Just When TIME Magazine Seemed Headed In The Right Direction, They Have To Pull A Boneheaded Stunt Like This

I mean, "Persons" of the Year? "Persons?" That cover should read Man of the Year, and it should be graced with my mug and my mug alone! To add insult to injury, I'm not even sure who the other two are! When we met yesterday for our photo shoot, that Gates character struck me as the type who probably manages a Radio Shack, while the mononymic Bono just muttered a lot and refused to take off his sunglasses. Persons of the Year material? I think not!

And they have the gall to make a respected crimefighter like the Sultan of Syllables stand behind those yahoos?! The nerve!

Ah well. Even with a three-way tie, this high-profile international exposure is sure to increase my fan club membership levels, so I suppose I should look at the glass as half-full, rather than half-empty. And speaking of the ol' fan club, if you're a current member your annual dues must be received by January 1, as always. Don't be late!

Best,

those poindexters finally got it right

2005-12-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

Hey there, jumping jacks! It's me, The Haiku Master, and you could literally knock me over with a feather right now -- because the so-called "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" finally announced an induction class in which each and every member well and truly rocks!!

The Notorious Sex Pistols Lead The Finest "Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame" Class Of All Time

I mean, Sweet Mother of Mozart! The Sex Pistols! Black Sabbath! Lynyrd Skynyrd! Blondie! And last but certainly not least, Miles frikkin' Davis! Can you believe it?!

It's almost enough to get the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to attend this year's gala induction ceremony. Unfortunately, I have major issues with the "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" -- primarily, the fact that only dorks call it "rock and roll," rather than rock 'n' roll -- and therefore cannot endorse its existence with my presence. So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,

there can be only one

2005-12-14T21:20:00.000-05:00

Sweet Criminy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and you're never going to believe this: I just ran into my Mirror Universe counterpart while shopping for a Festivus Ham down at the local Piggly Wiggly!

The Devil you say, you say? Take a look at this shocking photo, taken by a Piggly Wiggly security camera not one hour ago!

This Cheap Knock-Off Of The Haiku Master Bears All The Earmarks Of A Mirror Universe Native

See the evil, grinning leer? The goatee?! The tracksuit?!? If that's not a Mirror Universe The Haiku Master, I don't know what is! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to confirm my suspicions. He was standing near the exit when I spotted him, and took off as soon as we made eye contact. Being next in line at the checkout, I was unable to give chase for fear I'd lose my spot -- or worse yet, that the toothless old woman behind me would snap up my Festivus Ham.

Still, the store manager was nice enough to give me a print-out of the above picture, which I'll certainly be adding to my investigative files. In the meantime, if you see this creep, do not try to apprehend him on your own. Just call the pros at Haiku International, and we'll take care of the rest.

Best,

jack black can go to hell

2005-12-12T22:16:00.000-05:00

Hello, fun-lovers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever in a sore mood -- because I just wasted the whole day going to New York City to appear on Letterman, only to get bumped because "funnyman" Jack Black lampooned too long while promoting his big-budget remake of Mighty Joe Young!!

The Haiku Master Is No Fan Of Jack Black

That bastard really has his nerve! See, the whole thing started when I got a call from the Late Show's producer, who told me Letterman had seen my mug over Times Square last night (as part of my nomination for TIME's Person of the Year award) and insisted I be booked as a guest post haste. Having nothing outside the usual planned for today, I agreed and was quickly on my way to New York.

So it was that I found myself ensconced in the Green Room at the fabled Ed Sullivan Theater, and everything seemed to be going smoothly... a little too smoothly, as I should have realized! Thanks to the Green Room's monitors, I bore witness to Black's long-winded buffoonery, followed by noted anti-Papist Sinead O'Connor. Then, instead of following the game plan and calling yours truly to the stage, he wished everyone goodnight and called it a show! Without even a mention of the Pharaoh of 5-7-5! Unfathomable!!

The Haiku Master Waits Patiently In The Green Room For A Letterman Appearance That Would Never Come

Some flunky then explained to me that Black had ran too long, and would I be interested in being re-booked for another night, say, April 12th? Though I have no intention of following through -- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me -- I agreed, then swiped the Green Room's box of complimentary donuts before returning to my base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs, a.k.a. Castle Haiku.

Ah well. I suppose it wasn't a total waste. After all, I got the free donuts. And the satisfaction of knowing Letterman will be scrambling for a last-minute guest when I don't show up in four months. Try Danny Bonaduce, you gap-toothed freak! Just don't try me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best (unless your name is Jack Black or David Letterman),

maybe time magazine isn't so bad after all

2005-12-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

Sing a song of sixpence, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and as if being recently named High Adventure Monthly's Hero of the Year wasn't thrilling enough, I'm now a finalist for TIME Magazine's coveted Person of the Year honor!!

Don't believe me? Take a gander at this little photo -- and I assure you there's no digital trickery involved (after all, we never use digital trickery at Haiku International)! For further proof, pay a visit to TIME's "Person of the Year" site at http://www.impoy.com/default.aspx?detail_id=9821!

Finally, A TIME Person Of The Year Worthy Of The Honor

How'd this long-overdue nomination come about, you ask? Turns out that TIME was at a loss as to who to give the prize to this year, what with nobody doing anything of particular note, so they opened the nominating process to the public... and H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to throw my name into the ring! Well, despite their inability to pick 100 top-rate novels, TIME apparently does know from persons, and notified me of their choice with the following email:

Thank you for submitting your photo to TIME Magazine's Person of the Year in Times Square. Please visit the URL below to find a webcam shot of your image as displayed in Times Square. This image is available for viewing, printing and sending to friends.

So there you have it; looks like I'm a shoo-in for the POY this year. Better get on my good side now, folks, for I shall definitely play favorites once I'm in charge!

Best,

stealing music is fun and easy

2005-12-11T11:28:00.000-05:00

Good morning, sunshines! It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have an exciting discovery to share with you: there's free music to be found all over the Internet, which means I can make my own CDs courtesy of Haiku International's new high-powered computer network... and never have to pay the record companies a dime again!!!

Thanks To Haiku International's New Computer, The Haiku Master Can Get This And Other Musical Masterpieces For Free

Can you believe it?! Better still, I don't even have to buy the CDs 'cause H.I.'s Minister of Information steals them from his day job, then I swipe some out of his backpack when he's at Castle Haiku maintaining the ol' "blog!" It's like having a license to print money, only one used for printing CDs instead! Yabba-dabba-doo!

That said, I must ask you loyal readers to keep this under your collective hat for now. After all, if too many people jump on this bandwagon, it's sure to tip right over!

Okay for now, 'ku believers; time for Baltimore's premier crimefigher to split! After all, my Bay City Rollers collection isn't going to "burn" itself, now is it?

Best,

not my doom

2005-12-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

Greetings, 'ku believers. Yeah it's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have a bone to pick with the makers of that so-called Fantastic Four movie... for they've done a grave disservice to the world's greatest comic book super-villain, Dr. Victor Von Doom!

After Viewing The Fantastic Four "Movie," The Haiku Master Thinks The Real Doctor Doom Has An Extremely Strong Libel Case Against 20th Century Fox And Marvel Studios

That's right! See, with Baltimore buried under a blanket of snow thanks to Old Man Winter's latest bender (We only got four inches, if that!--ed.), the Haiku-Bot and I declared it a movie day here at Castle Haiku. Well, that and a whiskey day. Hoagies and cigars were involved, too. At any rate, H.B. selected I, Robot -- again -- while I made the mistake of choosing the FF flick. Right off the bat I knew there were going to be problems when some middle-aged doofus with a flattop tried to pass himself off as teenaged hero Johnny Storm, and The Thing wound up looking like a burn victim. But all that paled in comparison to what they did to Doom!

The Haiku-Bot (Left) And The Haiku Master (Right) Pay A Visit To The Local Video Store

I mean, Sweet Jesus! Doom isn't the dandified, metrosexual owner of some two-bit electronics firm! He's the iron-fisted dictator of a little-known Eastern European nation called Latveria! And he doesn't have metal skin! He wears a highly advanced suit of armor packed to the gills with one technological wonder after another, any one of which could fry the skin right off your face!! Or worse! And last but not least, he wears a cloak with big gold buttons -- not a frikkin' trenchcoat with big silver buttons!!!

Fake Movie Doom Should Stick To What He Does Best, E.G. Sucking Ass

Oh well, at least I didn't pay to see that turkey at the theater; if you haven't watched it yet, avoid it at all costs!

Best,

the goose is getting fat

2005-12-07T19:52:00.000-05:00

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a friendly reminder that December 23 is right around the proverbial corner -- meaning there's just 16 shopping days left 'til the happiest day of the year, Festivus!!!

Castle Haiku's Festivus Pole

Feats of Strength! Airing of Grievances! The Festivus Pole! And best of all, more presents than you can shake a stick at! Speaking of which, I'm sure a number of you have rightfully included me on your gift lists -- for which you have the Sultan of Syllables' eternal gratitude! To help you make what shall surely be one of your toughest present-buying decisions (after all, what does one get for the high-profile celebrity crimefighter who has everything?), I present the following list of items that are always welcome at Castle Haiku:

1) Whiskey
2) Snack Cakes (preferably Hostess)
3) Whiskey
4) Sausage Pizza
5) Whiskey
6) Fine Cuban Tobacco
7) Whiskey
8) Expensive Prostitutes
9) Whiskey
10) Hai Karate Aftershave

There you have it folks; a surefire way to ensure a nice thank-you card from yours truly at some point after the holidays, but probably not before March 13th! And if you'd like to learn more about the Festivus for the Rest of Us, be sure to visit http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/festivus.php. Tell 'em The Haiku Master sent you!

Best,

thank you, 'high adventure monthly' readers

2005-12-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

Hi kids! It's a most triumphant The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight -- for the tallies are in, and the 2005 winner of High Adventure Monthly magazine's annual "Hero of the Year" award is none other than me... The Haiku Master!!!

As Always, Victory Is Very, Very Sweet (Click For Larger Image)

Needless to say, this is going to push my "Q-rating" through the roof. I'm not sure what a "Q-rating" is, but I do know a high one leads to lucrative endorsement deals. And if there's one thing I love, it's a lucrative endorsement deal! (And whiskey.--ed.) Unfortunately, one of Haiku International's operatives wasn't willing to let the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 enjoy the spotlight on his own -- as evidenced by Paulo's appearance on the latest issue of Cockfighter Monthly!

It Wouldn't Surprise The Haiku Master At All To Learn Paulo Had Paid For This Honor (Click For Larger Image)

That rascal! Still, always nice to have one's achievements honored -- something you people might want to consider doing from time to time as well, wink wink nudge nudge! Either way, time for your hero to split; Old Man Winter's been roaring around town on a bender all day, and I'm headed over to Baltimore's Patterson Park right now to give him a proper ass-kicking. Wish me luck!

Best,

----------------------
P.S. No, I'm not sure why both of these images display October 2005 cover dates, when one would presume their year-end "[Blank] of the Year" issues would be published in December. I guess both publications use the same error-prone printer? Your guess is as good as mine, fan club members!

down for the count

2005-12-04T18:33:00.000-05:00

Hi folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, basking in the warm glow of companionship just afforded me by none other than Sesame Street's The Count, who called, as he put it, "To shoot ze sheeet! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

The Count Is Bat-Shit Crazy, Which Is Exactly What The Haiku Master Loves About Him

As always, though, it was one hell of a confusing conversation, what with his junky-level need to count everything in sight... and earshot!

"Hey, Count!" I said, after taking the waiting receiver from the Haiku-Bot. "How's it hanging, baby?"

"Vun!" he shouted gleefully at me. "Vun question! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

"What?" I said, always having trouble with his thick Transylvanian accent.

"Two!" he chortled madly. "Two questions!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

And so it went, with me getting little out of him save a running count -- no pun intended -- of my queries. As well as the distinct sound of him crapping his pants with joy when he got to number twenty-five. Still, it was nice to hear from the guy.

Speaking of which, Festivus is right around the corner (December 23)! Be sure to start calling friends and relations now to ensure generous gift-giving on their parts. Take it from me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

get up and get your grandma out of here

2005-12-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

Pick up, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, working hard this year, and now that Haiku International's computer problems are behind me I can get back to the business of thrilling and chilling you in style!

That's right! No more TRS-80 SuperMobile Laptop for the Sultan of Syllables -- not with the wickedly-fast, potentially alien-created system known only as KAISER-1 powering H.I.'s online activities!!

KAISER-1 Will Keep Haiku International Humming For A Long Time To Come, Assuming The Haiku Master Doesn't Spill Beer On It

A real beauty, huh? I'd tell you how much she set me back, but frankly, I don't want you people hitting me up for loans.

Okay for now, friends. I'm currently tracking a nefarious criminal organization whose members dress like nuns to sell drugs to schoolchildren... and my sources tell me Vice President Dick Cheney is involved! Needless to say, that requires my immediate attention; hopefully, I'll have more details for you tomorrow!

Best,

back to full posting this weekend

2005-11-28T18:39:00.000-05:00

Hi kids! No, it's not a hoax, and it's not an imaginary story -- it's really me, The Haiku Master, and I'm pleased to report that Haiku International has secured a new computer network, following the tragic "crash" of the new model's predecessor some three weeks ago!

Unfortunately, H.I.'s Minister of Information still hasn't worked all the bugs out of the system, but he assures me we'll be up and running by this weekend. Until then, look to the skies! And for christ's sake, don't take any wooden nickels!!!

Best,

please stand by

2005-11-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

Hi folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, ducking in to slip you some devastating news: gremlins have infiltrated Castle Haiku's computer network, requiring a massive upgrade that's going to keep the H.I. site grounded for about another week!

In the meantime, if you're looking for something to do, why not call your mother and tell her how much you love her? I hear they like that kind of thing -- and with the present-giving holidays right around the corner, a little brown-nosing can't hurt. Take it from me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

dear god does my stomach ever hurt

2005-11-01T19:28:00.000-05:00

Uh, hi folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, but I'm not feeling so hot right now... because I ate way too much Halloween candy today!!

If The Haiku Master Had Limited Himself To The Candy Shown Here, His Stomach Probably Wouldn't Hurt As Much

Sadly, I had no choice -- between my own trick-or-treating efforts and my cut of the Haiku Street Irregulars' monty haul, I had a veritable mountain of candy at my disposal. Not being the type to waste food, and having no idea what kind of expiration date that stuff carries, I didn't want to take any chances. So I ate 'til I could eat no more, leaving my belly feeling like a lurching, twitching, rubber sack that's been filled to the brim with half-digested Halloween candy!!

Unfortunately, this means I won't even be able to look at candy for months. The rest won't go to waste, though; I've instructed the Haiku-Bot to ship it to an Ethiopian orphanage, where the abandoned children will no doubt put it to good use. And with so little candy left, and so many kids to feed, I'm not worried about it having the same adverse effect on them as it had on me!

Ethiopian Kids Are Already Lining Up For All The Sweet Halloween Candy They're About To Get From The Haiku Master

Okay for now, 'ku believers -- time for the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to strategically position himself on Castle Haiku's true throne, a stack of comic books and bottle of Pepto Bismol within easy reach!

Best,

happy halloween

2005-10-31T19:41:00.000-05:00

Boo!!! Ha ha ha -- don't be scared, fan club members! It's just me, The Haiku Master, playing a little Halloween trick on you! Plus, I have some good news: thanks to the zombicillin I picked up at the free clinic, I'm no longer afflicted with zombieism!!

That's right! The doctor gave me a clean bill of health earlier today, which means I won't be craving brains again anytime soon. Still, it's not like being a zombie was all bad. Heck, I even managed to land this lucrative endorsement deal as a result (I hope I don't have to eat any actual brains to fulfill the terms of the contract, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it):

Brains: The Only Snack Endorsed By The Zombie Haiku Master

Either way, I'm glad it's behind me... and not a moment too soon! For as everyone knows, tonight is the night they give out the free candy -- and the Sultan of Syllables isn't about to miss any free candy!!! Sure, the Haiku Street Irregulars will give me a cut of whatever they bring in, but that won't keep me from trying my luck around here. Nor will it stop me from ordering the Haiku-Bot to give a stern toilet-papering to any houses that don't give up the loot!

That's no threat, friends; it's a promise!

Best,

braaainsss

2005-10-30T18:13:00.000-05:00

Braaainsss.

Brains

Braaainsss!!!

Braaainsss,

'isss ssstuff be'r w'rk

2005-10-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

Gahrrrr. Isss meee, Th' H'ku Maaassstr. Meee am def'nitely zombieee. Laaady a' freee clin'c tol' meee.

The Haiku Master (Foreground, Left) Waits His Turn At The Local Free Clinic

Sheee g'v' meee med'sssin. Sssay taaaaake it, feeel bett'r 'morrow. Meee hooope sssooo. Meee waaan' eeeach'yer braaainsss!!!

Bessst,

i want to eat your brainsss

2005-10-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

Brainsss... I mean, hello loyal readersss. It'sss me -- at leassst, it'sss kind of me -- The Haiku Massster, and I mussst warn you that I'm not feeling ssso well right now.

Sssee, I wasss out fighting zombiesss lassst night, like I do every "Hallo-weekend." Asss alwaysss, the walking dead were no match for the Pharaoh of 5-ss7-5. Unfortunately, one of them managed to ssscratch me on the wrissst towardsss the end of the battle. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I woke up thisss morning, I looked like thisss!!!

The Haiku Master Felt Like Crap When He Woke Up This Morning

Plusss, I'm hissssing my essssesss, and have a conssstant hankering for brainsss... sssweet, sssweet brainsss!!! All of which are textbook sssymptomsss of zombieisssm!

I don't want to russsh to any conclusssions, but I am going to get myssself checked out at the free clinic. In the meantime, if you sssee me coming down the ssstreet, better play it sssafe and duck down an alley!

Bessst,

more zombies than you can shake a stick at

2005-10-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

Howdy folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, freshly returned from my nightly patrol of Charm City -- where the streets are thick with zombies, as they are every year during Halloween Weekend!!!

A Pack Of Bloodthirsty Zombies Rushes The Haiku Master (Foreground, Right)

To make matters worse, these aren't your father's zombies. Historically, thwarting the walking dead was simply a matter of keeping up a brisk pace while swatting at their heads with the weapon of one's choice; in my case, my trusty 1-iron. But these days, those suckers are fast!

Frankly, I blame it on 28 Days Later. Not to mention that high-gloss Dawn of the Dead remake! Whoever directed those movies should be run out of town on a rail. I mean, what kind of traitorous humans make zombie empowerment flicks?!

No matter though -- the Sultan of Syllables is still more than a match for a bunch of stupid zombies, regardless of how quickly they move! In fact, I took down more than 50 earlier tonight while rescuing the nice people seen in this photo:

The Haiku Master (Left) Takes A Break From Fighting Zombies To Comfort A Group Of Human Survivors

Of course, not all zombies are bad. Take my close, personal friend, Zombie Gary Hart. The onetime presidential hopeful may have a head full of worms these days, but he's still a dreamer with a powerful message. If he could just learn to stay away from the "Monkey Business" -- wink wink, nudge nudge -- he might just make it to the Oval Office one day.

From Left: Zombie Gary Hart And The Haiku Master

Okay for now, kids. Fighting zombies is tiring work, so it's time for your hero to hit the hay. Catch you on the flip side!

Best,

market research be damned

2005-10-28T19:39:00.000-04:00

Rejoice, proud warriors! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to throw off the yoke of minutiae that drove me to the brink of madness... and proudly declare a new age of High Adventure!!!

That's right! You'll find no more "mundane details" on this site, no matter how popular that format is with "blog" readers (and writers) the world over. For the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 isn't here to make friends and influence people, gentle readers; he's here to thrill you, chill you, and rock you like the hurricanes you are! Whether you like it or not!!

Just Like Players Club Founder Telly Savalas (Right), The Haiku Master (Left) Longs To Be Where The Action Is

Not to mention the fact that Halloween is this Monday, which means zombies will be out in full force all weekend long. And there's nothing mundane about whipping a pack of zombies into submission while they feverishly try to eat your brains, believe you me!

Best,

this 'no adventure' thing is harder than i thought

2005-10-26T22:32:00.000-04:00

Hrmm. H-hey. It's m... um, yeah. Right. No action. Just talking about the trivial stuff that makes us human. Th-th-that's what "blogging's" all a... all about. Yes! Yes yes yes.

So I'm not going to tell you about something that just happened to me as I was taking out the trash. I won't say a word about how Old Man Winter -- who is most definitely "off his meds," if the Sultan of Syll... I mean, if I'm any judge of character! -- just tried to jump me, zapping me in the rear end with his weird weather powers. And I definitely won't speak of the massive wedgie I gave him in retaliation, forcing him to flee in that obnoxious snowmobile of his!

Old Man Winter Shows Off In Front Of Castle Haiku

Th-that would be... too much action... for a "blog." You know, based on my m-m-m-market r-r-r-research and all. S-s-so, let's see. How 'b-'bout them baseball teams p-playing for th-the Baseball Cup, huh? They s-sure are disrupting the h-h-h-h-h-hell out of Fox's regular programming, huh?

Oh, there is some good news: I pooped after my encounter with O.M.W.! Ginchy, huh? That's it, nice and conversational. Just the trivial stuff that makes us human. That -- oh yes, that is the ticket.

worrying about a friend

2005-10-26T18:40:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, it's me, The Haiku... Dammit! I keep forgetting that you're not supposed to introduce yourself in every "blog" post -- not if you want to be a professional "blogger"! And believe you me when I say there's nothing I want more. In fact, here comes some more traditional "blogging" to prove it!

So anyway, I'm kind of worried about my friend Old Man Winter. Well, he's not really a friend so much as someone I hang out with every now and then. Sometimes, when he's "off his meds," we fight.

Old Man Winter (Seen Demonstrating His Sub-Zero Breath) Can Be Downright Dangerous When He's "Off His Meds"

Lately, I've been a little worried that he's off them, because he's been acting cranky. Take yesterday for example. He ran around town all day, yelling and screaming and spitting and zapping unsuspecting passersby with his witchy winter powers... whoa, I just realized I came dangerously close to providing you good people with some action in this post. And everyone knows "blogs" aren't supposed to be action-packed!

I better get out of here before I mess up again. Oops, I almost forgot! I had a tasty peanut butter and jelly sandwich a couple of hours ago, thanks to the Haiku-Bot. It really went great with a cold glass of beer, lol! But my no-pooping problem is back; hopefully I'll poop again tomorrow, 'cause I don't like worrying that I have a tumor or something.

awesome apple pie recipe

2005-10-25T19:17:00.000-04:00

Hey how is everyone doing? It's The Haiku Master here, continuing to "blog" correctly with an awesome apple pie recipe that I'd like to share with you! Grab a pen and paper, 'cause I know you're going to want this for later. The holidays are coming after all, and nothing says "Festivus" like hot apple pie. Except Feats of Strength. But F.o.S. are a little too action-packed to discuss on a "blog," so maybe we should stick to the apple pie. Okay, here we go:

Apple Pie Is SO Awesome LOL!

INGREDIENTS

• Apples
• Flour
• Sugar
• Salt
• Butter
• Vegetable Shortening (not sure what this is)
• Water
• Nutmeg
• Cinnamon
• Oven
• Haiku-Bot

DIRECTIONS

1) Send the Haiku-Bot to the supermarket to pick up the non-Haiku-Bot, non-oven ingredients you'll need.

2) Make sure you have an oven; if not, send the Haiku-Bot to Home Depot to buy one.

3) Ask the Haiku-Bot to turn the ingredients into an apple pie for you. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Tell the Haiku-Bot to not include itself or the oven in the ingredients.)

In about an hour or so, you'll have an awesome apple pie. It goes great with ice cream... but it goes even better with good friends. And good friends is really what it's all about, right? Like my friend Old Man Winter. He's been kind of cranky the last couple of days, which makes me think he might have gone "off his meds" after we got back from Las Vegas. I hope not, but I guess we'll see. I really worry about that guy sometimes.

good news

2005-10-25T18:55:00.000-04:00

Hey 'sup? It's me, The Haiku Master, bringing you some more "blog" the way "blogging" is supposed to be done. And guess what? I pooped today! Yay! I was pretty worried about it for awhile there. I mean, you never know what it means when you don't poop for five days. Could've been a tumor, or cancer, or lung disease, or poverty. Who knows? Either way, I don't have to worry about it anymore, 'cause I dropped what must've been a five-pound baby boy off at the pool not twenty minutes ago.

So what else did I do today? Let's see... I got out of bed this morning, then I took a shower. The Haiku-Bot made me some breakfast, then I went and played racquetball with Otis, the town drunk. That was pretty fun lol. We were doing the craziest stuff, like shooting the ball from between our legs, playing with our eyes closed, the works. Then we just kind of hung out and gabbed about stuff. You know: gas prices, the weather, good TV shows -- all the usual suspects.

I guess it's been a pretty good day, especially with the pooping and all. And I promise you there was no action; I know how you "blog" readers like your "blogs" to be action-free, and I'll keep on doing my best to live up to that expectation. Action drools, mundane details rule! LOL ;)~

sleepy time

2005-10-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

Yeah, well, I'm pretty beat so I think I'm going to call it a night. You know? Hopefully I will have good dreams. Won't you hope that for me?

And if you're wondering, no, I still haven't pooped. Hopefully tomorrow. I'll let you know, promise!

seriously, why can't i poop?

2005-10-24T21:15:00.000-04:00

Just so you guys know, I wasn't kidding about that last post. I really haven't pooped in five days. I don't think that's good. Is it? I'd ask the Haiku-Bot, but he's no use. What do robots know about pooping? :)'

I don't know I guess I will sleep on it tonight and maybe call a doctor tomorrow. OH! And geez, this new format for the ol' "blog" is really working out great, doncha think? I feel like a real "blogger" now, you know? (...wry smile...) OK XXXOOXX

i think i have the hang of it now

2005-10-24T20:59:00.000-04:00

Hey. What's up? It's me, The Haiku Master. You know, just chilling. So look, I got a handle on this "blogging" thing faster than I thought I would, so I'm giving you a little taste of the new H.I. tonight. Man, I even had Shelton revamp the banner. It was sooooo wild lol!

I don't know though. I'm a little worried about the fact that I haven't pooped in five days. It might be cancer, might be a tumor. Who knows? Not me. Maybe I'll go see a doctor if I don't poop soon.

i've been going about this 'blogging' thing all wrong

2005-10-24T20:06:00.000-04:00

Hoo-boy. Hi gang. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever embarrassed -- for I just discovered I'm a true ignoramus when it comes to the ancient art of "blogging"!!!

That's right! For nearly a year, I've been using this site to thrill you with one gut-wrenching, totally true adventure after another... only to find "blogs" are usually used to keep perfect strangers up-to-date on life's most trivial minutiae! At least, that's what I've surmised after finally noticing and using that "Next Blog >>" button at the top right corner of this and every Haiku International web page. Take this one for example:

You see?! No action, no excitement, and certainly no bad craziness -- just a nice, wholesome slice-of-life vignette from an apparent chambermaid who likes to get drunk and talk about sheets with a good friend. Fun times indeed! On to our next contestant:

Hmm, maybe I was wrong about the "no adventure" aspect that you fine people have come to expect from "blogs"... for this one's packed with more heart-pounding heroism than one could reasonably be expected to shake a stick at! The writer and his companions got "wasted," he "squatted" someone named Gary -- a few times!! -- then wrestled a bit before passing out on the floor with his wife. Too lame? I think not, good sir! Nor too poorly written! Now for #3:

Huh. Well, two out of three go for the "no adventure" format, so I'll have to assume that's the accepted norm. But whatever this post lacks in pulse-poundingness is more than counterbalanced by the vast sums of unshakeable depression it brings to the table!

Needless to say, this visit to some of my Blogger.com neighbors has been an extremely eye-opening experience -- one that I plan to capitalize on with a bold new direction for the ol' "blog," starting tomorrow! Count on it!!

Best,

clowns don't change their greasepaint

2005-10-23T12:26:00.000-04:00

Hello there, loyal readers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have some frightening news: notorious super-villain Boss Clown is apparently up to his old tricks again, knocking over a doughnut shop in Everett, WA on October 19 (link goes to the highly respected Komo 1000 News)!

According to the report, "the robbers were "[i]n full clown make up with red noses..." and "forced [the owner's] wife to open the safe in the back room," "...[getting] away with $300-$400 before running out the back door." If that doesn't sound like a classic Boss Clown M.O., I don't know what does! And having matched wits with that fiend countless times in the past, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is in a unique position to know!

Criminal Mastermind Boss Clown In An Undated File Photo

Plus, he's more dangerous than ever now that he has a sidekick. So beware, non-rhyming poetry fans -- especially if you own a doughnut shop!!

Best,

----------------------
P.S. I'd go after Boss Clown, but my crimefighting jurisdiction doesn't extend to the state of Washington. (Mr. Sasquatch has that beat, and he's very territorial, believe you me!) But if B.C. makes the mistake of coming back to the Baltimore area, you have my assurance I'll be on him like white on rice.

shelton really earned his keep this week

2005-10-23T10:27:00.000-04:00

Hidey-ho, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, freshly returned from an ill-fated fishing expedition with a group of juvenile delinquents I like to call the "Haiku Street Irregulars"... only to find that H.I.'s Minister of Information updated the dickens out of the ol' "blog" while I was away!

H.I.'s Minister of Information, Shelton, Isn't The Sharpest Card In The Deck, But He Gets The Job Done

I mean, just look at the place! As if compiling my Big Vegas Caper into one complete edition wasn't enough, he also created a brand-new comic book cover for it! Then he went above-and-beyond by whipping up that swell new masthead... which will apparently be revamped on a more-or-less weekly basis with a different wide-angle action shot of yours truly!! Can you believe it?!?

And there's that other thing, below the masthead, which I'm technically not supposed to speak of per the terms of our pending application with the provider. So 'nuff said on that front!

Okay for now, fan club members -- time for the Sultan of Syllables to hit the shower in an attempt to rid himself of this infernal fish stink. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy the fruits of Shelton's labor!

Best,

why don't they just hire hoagy carmichael to play james bond?

2005-10-20T21:04:00.000-04:00

Howdy folks. It's the object of your affection, The Haiku Master, taking a night off from patrolling the mean streets of Baltimore to catch up on my entertainment news... and just now learning that the slumlords who own the James Bond franchise have once again taken a wrong turn!

Daniel Craig Was Hired To Play Bond...

The mistake I'm referencing is the recent hiring of relatively unknown actor Daniel Craig as the sixth "official" movie James Bond. Notable for being the first "Blonde Bond" and first "Name Like A DC Comics Character Bond," Craig is sure to bring depth and passion to the role... but what he won't bring is a striking resemblance to Hoagy Carmichael!!!

...But Hoagy Carmichael Was Born To Play Bond

Don't worry, I know what you non-007-philes are thinking: "But The Haiku Master! What does looking like Hoagy Carmichael have to do with playing the world's premier secret agent?!"

And I say to you: Everything! For as Vesper tells Mathis in Ian Fleming's debut 007 novel, Casino Royale: "He is very good looking. He reminds me rather of Hoagy Carmichael..."

Need I -- or Ian Fleming -- say more? Hopefully those Hollywood halfwits will get it right next time and hire the real deal. It's not like Hoagy's getting any younger!

Best,

time magazine doesn't know from good novels

2005-10-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

Hi kids. It's me, The Haiku Master, taking a break from my in-development Big Vegas Caper to bring your attention to a very disheartening development: TIME Magazine's highly suspect list of the All-Time 100 Novels!

How Does One Compile An All-Time 100 Novels List Without Finding Room For Hunter Thompson's Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (Shown), Amongst Others?

Picked by "TIME Critics Lev Grossman and Richard Lacayo" -- a.k.a. two guys the Sultan of Syllables has never heard of -- this so-called list pretends to pinpoint "the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present." And while I'll admit there are some good choices amongst the many white elephants, it should be noted that a large section of that crop's cream got left on the cutting room floor!

At any rate, and using the same criteria as TIME, here are 19 novels and three "graphic novels" (a fancy word for comic book, and included to complement TIME's Watchmen endorsement) we at Haiku International feel should have been included, presented in alphabetical order. I've only read the comics, but H.I.'s Minister of Information claims to have read the real books and assures me they are the bee's knees.

So without further adieu, here's H.I.'s All-Time 22 Novels That Should Have Made TIME's List Of All-Time 100 Novels:

• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
• Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
• Casino Royale, Ian Fleming
• The Collector, John Fowles
• A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy O'Toole
• Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hunter S. Thompson
• A Feast of Snakes, Harry Crews
• Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
• The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
• The Godfather, Mario Puzo
• Grendel, John Gardner
• Ham on Rye, Charles Bukowski
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
• The Invisibles, Grant Morrison & Various
• Libra, Don DeLillo
• Misery, Stephen King
• Preacher, Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon
• Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
• Transmetropolitan, Warren Ellis & Darick Robertson
• The Wanderers, Richard Price
• Wise Blood, Flannery O'Connor

Some may argue, but they are wrong. So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

it's okay gang, i took care of business

2005-10-14T22:25:00.000-04:00

How's it shaking, folks? Well lemme tell ya are ya ever in for a surprise, 'cause this ain't the Haiku Master talking to ya, and it ain't that schlub Haikunestro either; it's me, lovable star of film and television Joey Bishop!!!

What A Mug, Huh? That's Me, Joey Bishop!

Ya better believe it -- me, the last surviving member of the Rat Pack! I know what yer thinking: "Joey, as someone who follows yer career very closely, I know yer still alive and all, but ain't ya a very old man? Is it safe for ya to be movin' around and 'blogging' and all that?"

So I says to ya, "Hey, I'm no old man -- I'm the Joey Bishop from 1960! Footloose, fancy-free and rarin' to cock-a-doodle-doo all night long!! How do ya like them apples?"

Which of course makes ya say, "I like 'em a lot Joey, but how could ya be the Joey Bishop from 1960? It's 2005 for Pete's sake!"

To be honest, I ain't real sure. It has something to do with some theory that matter can't be destroyed or created, so when that Haiku Master friend of yers got sent back to 1960, I got sent here to 2005 as a make-good. At least, that's what the Perfessor I met at the modern day Las Vegas Hilton said to me, if I'm remembering it right. He also told me that Haikunestro creep was behind it all, so I beat tracks over here to Castle Haiku as fast as I could and gave that lame-o some of the ol' ring-a-ding-ding!

I guess that's it. Time for me to hightail it back to Vegas, so I don't miss my temporal ride back home! Yowza, that wouldn't be good -- no way to get a doctor to touch up the x-rays on that one!

Good night folks,

Joey Bishop

a joke for all you doofuses

2005-10-11T20:25:00.000-04:00

Heh. Hi stooges. Yes, it's me again. Haikunestro. And I've got a joke that's perfect for this crowd:

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Dumbasses.

Dumbasses who?

Dumbasses who read Haiku International.

HAW-HAW!!!

Worst,

haiku is for morons

2005-10-11T20:16:00.000-04:00

Bad news, bitches. Looks like your so-called hero, the Haiku Mayoinnaise-Eater, still hasn't figured out a way to untemporally displace himself from 1960. Which means you're stuck with me, Haikunestro, for another night!

Better still, I've also taken the liberty of ensconcing myself at the place once referred to by my asinine arch-foe as "Castle Haiku" -- henceforth to be known as Castle Haikunestro!! I must admit, Haiku Head was right when he said his sanctum sanctorum was better than mine... but now his is mine and he's trapped in the past with none! Advantage: Haikunestro! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha!

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

With The Haiku Master In 1960, Haikunestro Is Living It Up At Castle Haiku, Er, Castle Haikunestro

But enough of that. You people are boring me. Go do something useful, like serve as cannon-fodder in Iraq.

Worst,

suck it, haiku fans

2005-10-10T20:45:00.000-04:00

Hi there, dipshits. No, this isn't your old buddy, your old pal, your old friend the Haiku Masturbator. It's me -- Haikunestro.

I, Haikunestro

That's right, idiots. You probably came here looking for the eighth chapter in my dimwitted nemesis' so-called Vegas venture. Well, guess what? I temporally displaced his ass all the way back to 1960, which means you're not getting any of his nonsense tonight. Boo-frikkin-hoo.

Instead -- thanks to my well-above average computer hacking abilities -- you get the greatness that is me telling the lowness that is you that you're not doing yourself or the world any favors by encouraging that cabbage-headed cretin. I mean, come on; the guy's borderline retarded. Laughing at his stuff is like laughing at the antics of a classroom full of Down's Syndrome kids. Which I personally find enjoyable, but I'm a high-profile professional super-villain. You people, on the other hand, have no excuse.

So that's that. Go find a collective life, you losers.

Worst,

----------------------
P.S. Yes you yahoos, I do realize I temporally displaced your ill-advised choice of hero more than two weeks ago, and am only now hijacking his "blog." Maybe this is due to my aforementioned mad computer hacking skills, or perhaps it means Haiku Head never made it back from the past. Guess you'll have to wait and see. It's not like anyone who visits this site has anything better to do.

new fan mail address for all you fans

2005-10-06T21:14:00.000-04:00

Great news, kids! It's me, The Haiku Master, and thanks to good people at Verizon, my Internet connection is now akin to the greasiest of greased lightning! Which means they shall henceforth be known as Verizon: The Official Internet Service Provider of The Haiku Master!!!

James Earl Jones (Right) Personally Welcomed The Haiku Master To Verizon

That's right! After years of dealing with dial-up, the one true Pharaoh of 5-7-5 now does his "web surfing" with a nice, fast DSL connection -- and frankly, I couldn't be happier! The one downside is that H.I.'s Minister of Information had to spend the whole afternoon setting up Verizon email addresses for all of us... but luckily enough, thehaikumaster@verizon.net hadn't been claimed before I got my hands on it!

I know, I know; I can barely believe it was still available, either!

So there you have it; when you're dying to drop me a line, drop it to my spanking new email address, which has also been added to the handy "Fan Mail" link on the right-hand side of this page. Tell 'em I sent you... me, The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

a moment of silence for nipsey russell

2005-10-03T22:43:00.000-04:00

Heavens to Murgatoid! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I don't know if it's something in the air, but yet another cool person has up and died on us... and this time it was our nation's Poet Laureate, Nipsey Russell (link goes to Los Angeles' ABC affiliate)!

R.I.P. Poet Laureate Nipsey Russell: 1924-2005

Poet, game show contestant, professional celebrity: had he been able to free himself of that juvenile need for rhyming, he might have even made a fine Haiku Master. But he chose to go his own way, and who are we to question the results?

Unfortunately, this means our so-called President now gets to pick the next Poet Laureate, on top of his two-pack of Supreme Court appointees! Is there no justice?! No, no -- don't dwell on the bad; dwell on the good. And what better way to celebrate the goodness that was Nipsey than with one of his prize-winning poems?

Beauty's only skin-deep
But ugly's clear to the bone.
Beauty often fades away,
But ugly holds its own.

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Goodnight, and god bless.

Best,

can't stop jodie foster's signal

2005-10-03T19:18:00.000-04:00

Greetings friends! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, taking a little break from my Big Vegas Caper to do a victory dance -- for try as he might, wannabe-Roddenberry Joss Whedon couldn't unseat America's reigning queen of moviemaking, my beloved Jodie Foster (link goes to The Hollywood Reporter)!

Ahh, If Only She Were Holding Cabbage: The Haiku Master Loves Jodie Foster, But Not In A Creepy John Hinckley, Jr. Kind Of Way

That's right! As of this morning, the weekend box office total saw Foster's Flightplan earn $14.8 million, while Whedon's Serenity only gained a paltry $10.1 million! What's more, Flightplan was in its second week of release, while Serenity was a brand new addition to your local cineplex; talk about star power!!

All of which proves my longstanding theory: movie audiences love Jodie Foster! Not as much as the Sultan of Syllables does, mind you, but they love her all the same.

So let this stand as a lesson to you big-shot Hollywood producers -- if you want a major hit on your hands, make sure Jodie Foster's name comes above the title on the poster. Otherwise, you're gunning for Second Place City... or worse!

Best,

shelton has the coolest job ever

2005-09-27T21:22:00.000-04:00

Hey there, folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm in one hell of a magnanimous mood tonight -- for I've decided to reinstate Haiku International's recently fired Minister of Information, and give him a tidy little raise to boot!

Why the generosity, you ask? Because Shelton, as I call him (having long ago forgotten the rest of his name, or whether Shelton is part of his name at all; I'm bad at keeping up with the hired help), would appear to be a lightning rod for miracles... having gone to his "real job" this morning, only to find a tuxedo-wearing chimpanzee acting like a madman in the lobby!!!

Want proof? Then feast your eyes on this!

This Chimpanzee Paid An Unexpected Visit To Shelton's Workplace Today

Can you believe it?! That's a bonafide primate, dancing around an office building in some kind of weird cloth tuxedo! (Note To Self: Look into purchasing a weird cloth tuxedo. And a chimpanzee.)

Sadly, the quality is for something Bobo there loves to fling, as the photo was taken with Shelton's extremely low-tech "camera phone," whatever that means. But at the very least, I can give you a closer look at the savage beast itself:

Chimps In Cloth Tuxedos: What Will They Think Of Next?

Either way, nice work Shelton -- I smell a Pulitzer in your future! As to why the chimp was there, please keep me in the dark; the mystery itself is far too sweet!

Best,

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. XII

2005-09-26T18:06:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER XII

With Haikunestro on the run and Paulo serving as his hostage, there was scant time to spare. Fortunately -- very fortunately -- my foe had equipped his lab with two elevators; I gladly threw caution to the wind and jumped aboard the second.

"Haiku-Bot! Help Ralphus and Malphus get the Professor and Angelina to safety!" I shouted. "O.M.W.! Dubya! You're with me!"

From Left: Old Man Winter, Dubya, And The Haiku Master Prepare To Chase Haikunestro In An Elevator

"Dubya against the terrorists. Dubya with us!" Dubya confirmed as he got on the elevator.

"Crap," added O.M.W., joining us. "I was hoping to draw Angelina guard duty."

"Be careful, H.M.!" said the Professor. "I zink zat Haikunestro might have vun or two tricks still up his sleeve!"

"Well, he'd better," I said, pressing the "up" button. "Or he'll never make it out of Vegas alive!!!"

One short elevator ride later and we were back in the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience concession... but where were Haikunestro and Paulo?!?

"Excuse me," I said to a pair of elderly women. "Have either of you seen a madman with a Hitler mustache escorting a Mexican fellow wearing a sombrero?"

"Oh, you again!" the fatter one said -- and I immediately recognized them as the silver-haired slot sluts from earlier! "We lost a lot of money 'cause of you and your big mouth!"

"Yeah, my mojo's still outta whack!" spat the other.

"Oh, never mind!" I said, turning to ask another passerby... and found myself face-to-face with none other than my close, personal friend, Billy Dee Williams!

The Haiku Master (Left) Greets His Old Ally, Billy Dee Williams

"Billy Dee Williams!" I said. "What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, baby? Cuttin' loose and getting wild!!!" he said, then took a long swig off his ever-present can of Colt 45: The Official Malt Liquor of Billy Dee Williams. "I also had to pick up my royalty check from the Star Wars slots they have here. What about you?"

"Looking for my arch-enemy, Haikunestro -- you haven't seen him, have you?"

"D-a-a-a-a-a-mn! I thought that was him I saw heading towards the parking garage, but he had some Mexican dude with him so I wasn't sure. Plus, I've been drinking this sweet, sweet malt liquor for so long I don't even trust my own senses anymore! Ain't that crazy?!"

"If it's crazy, then I should've been locked up ages ago," I assured him. "Thanks for the info, old friend; time for my partners and me to take that haiku-hating bastard down!"

"Be careful H.M.," he said. "And be sure to use some Colt 45 on his ass! Works every time!!!"

Leaving Billy Dee behind, we rushed into the Hilton's parking garage -- just as two loud gunshots rang out!

"What the--?!" I gasped, running towards the sound with O.M.W. and Dubya behind me. I rounded a corner expecting the worst, and was instead greeted by a most welcome -- and strangely familiar -- sight!

Haikunestro lay on the cold concrete floor of the parking garage in a growing pool of his own blood. Paulo was safely off to the side, and standing above my arch-foe was a large form draped in fine blue silk. This person wore an equally blue sombrero, and held a large, blue, smoking revolver in each hand.

The Blue Sombrero, A.K.A. The Mexico City Madman, Returns

"That," the stranger said in a smooth Mexican accent, "is for sleeping with my wife again. The next time it will be your life! Adios, híbrido!"

Just as quickly as he appeared, the mysterious gunfighter in blue was gone.

"Was that... the Blue Sombrero?" an awed Old Man Winter asked.

"The Mexico City Madman?" I said. "It sure was, friend. It sure was. But never mind that now; Paulo, are you alright?"

"Sí, Hombre muy Extraño," he said, brushing himself off as he rose. "But what of the robot cocks? You told me there would be robot cocks!"

"Robot cocks..?" said Old Man Winter, starting to giggle. "Robot cocks???" He then doubled over with mirth, laughing long and hard until finally wheezing to a stop.

What it was he found so funny, I do not know.

* * *
EPILOGUE

Shortly thereafter it was determined that Haikunestro was not dead, just severly wounded, and he and his Trekkie henchmen were soon rounded up by the fine men and women of the Las Vegas Police Department.

That ugly business settled, Paulo, O.M.W., Dubya, and I met up with the others in the Hilton's impressive sports book. We decided to eat there, dining on delicious hoagies and gallon-sized plastic footballs filled to the brim with beer.

"So I guess zat is zat," said Professor de la Groove, bits of hoagie clinging to his mustache. "I only hope zat my vun great fear vill not be realized!"

"Your one great fear?" I said. "What would that be?"

"Zat jou dumkopfs might have messed vith ze time-space continuum vhen jou vent back to 1960! Tell me, jou didn't interact vith any famous people, did jou?"

"Not me," I said, almost too quickly.

"Not you?!" scoffed Old Man Winter. "What about the Rat Pack, Haiku Master? Huh Haiku Master? What about them?"

"Oh yeah. There was that..."

"Oy!" said the Professor. "Und vat of jou zree, hmm?"

"Nah, nobody famous, but we did meet some pretty cool people," O.M.W. replied. "Check out our pictures!"

Old Man Winter, Dubya, And Paulo Mugging With Non-Famous People From 1960

"Nobody famous!" gasped the Professor. "Zat's John F. Kennedy, Cassius Clay, Marilyn Monroe, und Elvis! Vat do jou mean, not famous?"

"Oh! No wonder I found these pictures in a history book!" O.M.W. chortled. "You gotta admit, that's pretty funny! Hey Haiku Master, ain't that funny?"

"Feh," Angelina sneered, looking at the blurry black-and-white images. "That Marilyn was such a cow."

Hoping to change the subject, I said: "Er, I have a question Professor -- if I got replaced by Joey Bishop when I went back in time, who replaced these guys?"

"Two vinos und a mental patient."

"Huh. Well, with that cleared up I guess I can label this case as 100% 'closed'!"

Closed it was... but fabulous Las Vegas would have one more surprise for me before I left its warm embrace, as seen in this unbelievable photo!

The Haiku Master Inspects The Las Vegas Hilton's Fitting Tribute To His Bravery

That's right! The Las Vegas Hilton paid homage to yours truly's death-defying deeds by unfurling this mega-sized banner above the hotel's glittering pool on my last day in town! Talk about a perfect ending!

But when you're me, every ending is perfect... 'cause I'm The Haiku Master!!!

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. XI

2005-09-26T18:05:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER XI

"Well well well well," snarled Haikunestro, drawing a point-blank bead on yours truly with a wicked-looking raygun. "At long last, I can say with undisputed authority that this time we really meet again for the last time this time! And it's about goddamn time!!!"

Haikunestro (Front Row, Left) And His Undisciplined Goons Prepare To Face Off Against The Haiku Master (Front Row, Right) And His Staunch Allies

"Ah, Haikunestro," I said, shaking my head sadly. "Always so angry. No wonder you flunked Master Doug Henning's serenity courses."

"#%@$ Mas... #%@$ Doug Henning!!" Haikunestro screamed. "He may have caused me to repeat freshman year, but in the end I killed him! I killed them all!! Just like I'm going to kill you!!!"

Not For Nothing, But The Haiku Master Got Straight "A's" In Master Doug Henning's Serenity Courses At The Cobra Kai Haiku Order's Temple In Ancient Atlantis, And Definitely Nothing Lower Than A "C"

"Maybe so. But while you've been going off on your latest rant, you've forgotten one very important fact."

"Oh?" he asked, sneering. "And what might that be? That you're a moron?"

"No -- that you're dealing with a Master of Haikung Fu!!!"

Just like that, the heat was most definitely on! I shoved Haikunestro's arm to the left as he fired his weapon, and the lab erupted into chaos!

"This isn't over yet, you freak!" Haikunestro said... and was immediately brought low by the combined might of Ralphus and Malphus! I would have jumped in to help, but soon found myself dealing with a pack of space judo-wielding Trekkies!

"I'm gonna crack my knuckles and sheath my blaster..." one said cryptically.

"...'Cause I'd much rather punch The Haiku Master!" said another.

"Sweet Jesus! Rhyming poets!" I cried. "Alright then, you scoundrels -- let's see what you've got!"

Four of them moved in at once, and faced the full fury of the rarely used Cobra Kai maneuver known only as Ike Turner's Tough Love!!! As their shattered bodies fell before me, I looked around the lab... and man, did I ever like what I saw!

To put it bluntly, my allies were kicking ass and taking names, and Haikunestro's stooges were dropping like flies. But where was...

"H.M.!" Professor de la Groove shouted from across the room. "Haikunestro -- he's got Paulo!"

I looked to where my old friend was pointing, and he was right; my arch-enemy was holding his raygun against Paulo's head, the other arm wrapped around the champion cockfighter's throat!

Paulo Begged The Haiku Master To Not Release This Picture, But He Did Not Beg With Money

"That's right, you retards!" said Haikunestro. "One more step and the Mexican gets it!"

"Please, Hombre muy Extraño," gulped Paulo, eyes straining towards the gun barrel. "I no want to die! I told you, I just want tacos!"

"You hear that?" Haikunestro said in a mocking tone. "He just wants tacos. And if any of you mother#%@$ers takes one step near me, he's never gonna eat a taco again!!"

Not wanting Paulo's blood on my hands, I waved my bristling companions off.

"Alright, Haikunestro, alright. You win this round," I said. "But if you harm so much as a hair on that poor peasant's head, know that you'll have the Sultan of Syllables to deal with!"

"Hey!" said Paulo. "I no am peasant!"

"Save the threats for someone who can't kick your ass, dipshit," scoffed Haikunestro, as he and Paulo stepped backwards through the lab doors. "See you in the funny papers!"

With that they were gone, whisked back to the Star Trek: The Experience concession through the high-powered elevator! Naturally, I was prepared to give chase... but to what end?

Did Paulo get rescued? Was Haikunestro brought to justice? Who replaced Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya when they went to 1960, and what did they do while they were there? Did Angelina Jolie and I have another amorous encounter? Would I ever check into a Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master while in Vegas? Find out the mind-blowing answers to these and other questions in the stupendous, unbelievable, insanity-inducing twelfth and final chapter of my Big Vegas Caper!!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. XII---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. X

2005-09-26T18:04:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER X

Those who guessed the reappearance of the golden energy beam meant the four of us were about to be whisked back to 2005 guessed correctly... for when the effect wore off, we found ourselves once more in Haikunestro's underground lab!

1960 Behind Them, The Haiku Master (Front Row, Right) & Co. Head Back To 2005

"Great Scott!" I shouted, leaping off the familiar medical table in a Haikung Fu fighting stance, ready to unleash the devastating attack referred to by the ancient masters as the Boilermaker on the first Trek-themed goon who crossed my path!

"It worked, Professor! They're back, and the others are gone!" yelped a lush female voice that could only belong to the world's sexiest woman, Angelina Jolie!

I turned and saw the apple of my eye standing near the lab's massive computer bank, which was being fiendishly manipulated by Professor de la Groove and the Haiku-Bot! Ralphus and Malphus were also nearby, with no Trekkies in sight... nor that arch-fiend, Haikunestro!

"Huzzah!" the Professor said, clapping the Haiku-Bot on the back. "Nice vork, H.B. -- jou are vun hell of a programmer, mein friend!"

"All in a, day's work Mr., Professor de la Groove sir," it replied. And if I didn't know better, I'd have it say it was blushing! "Besides I was, only carrying out your most, excellent. Instructions without them I would have been, lost."

"Nonsense! In fact..."

"A-hem!" I interjected, feeling more than a little put off. "If you're all done congratulating each other over there, would someone mind telling the hero of this little adventure what's going on?"

That's all it took to get de la Groove going on one of his trademarked, long-winded, tecnobabble-heavy expositions... one that was suddenly cut off by the totally unexpected reappearance of Haikunestro!!

Haikunestro: One Bad Penny

"You didn't seriously think Joey Bishop was enough to stop me, did you?!" he sneered, barging into the lab with a squadron of Star Trek heavies at his back. "Regardless, he wasn't -- and now you're all going to die!!!"

I smell a climax in this odyssey's immediate future, ladies and gentlemen... or my name's not The Haiku Master!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. XI---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. IX

2005-09-26T18:03:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER IX

Unsurprisingly, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 became fast friends with the Rat Pack -- all except Joey Bishop, who had apparently gone missing the same day I arrived in 1960! Moreover, with Bishop M.I.A. and The Sands' mafia-connected owners expecting five performers at the Pack's shows, Frank Sinatra soon drafted yours truly to take Bishop's place... as evidenced by this shocking, history-altering photo!

The New & Improved Rat Pack (From Left): Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, And The Haiku Master

The change did not go unnoticed by the Rat Pack's fans -- though it did go unappreciated! Many took to attending our gigs wearing tacky T-shirts emblazoned with such slogans as "What About Joey?" and the ever-hurtful "Haiku Master Is A Disaster!"

"I don't know how much more of this I can take, Frank!" I hissed at Sinatra onstage one night, as a woman in a shirt reading "I Don't Make THAT Kind Of Cabbage!" booed me from the front row.

"Suck it up, Charley," Frank shot back. "We're giving you a nice cut of the net to sit up here and act the clown, so stop crying."

"Damn it, man!" I said, finally losing my temper over Sinatra's umpteenth mangling of my fairly easy-to-remember name. "I already told you: my name's not Charley, and it's not Clyde! It's The..."

"Haiku Master!" someone in the audience shouted. "Hey, Haiku Master! It's me..."

That voice! That grating, unforgettable voice! Could it really be...

"...Old Man Winter!!! Is that you, Haiku Master?"

"Old Man Winter?!" I said in disbelief. The band, not being able to deal with all the distractions, brought our current number to an abrupt halt... just as Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya came bounding up to the stage!!

No One Was More Surprised Than The Haiku Master (Back Left) When (Front Row, From Left) Paulo, Old Man Winter, And Dubya Showed Up In 1960

"Is this part of the show?" asked the rude woman in the front row. "If so, it's horrible. I wanna refund."

"Shut your man-pleaser!" I barked at her. Then, to my teammates: "O.M.W.! Paulo! Dubya! What are you guys doing here?"

"What are we doing here? We were about to ask you the same thing, Haiku Master!"

"Sí," added Paulo. "I did not know you were a viajero del tiempo, Hombre muy Extraño."

"Dubya not intellectually curious," mused Dubya.

"Guys..." Frank said.

"I got temporally displaced here by Haikunestro," I said. "You?"

"Guys..." Frank said again.

"I'm still not sure, Haiku Master!" said O.M.W. "After getting off the plane we rushed over to the Las Vegas Hilton so I could lay some bets, and so Paulo could get something to eat."

"Sí," said Paulo. "I was hongry."

"Guys, seriously..." said Frank.

"Next thing you know, we're jumped by a bunch of goons in Star Trek uniforms, taken to some underground lab, and zapped with a time thingamajigger by a creep in a bad Hitler mustache!"

"That was Haikunestro!" I said excitedly. "He must've..."

"Alright, that's it! You bums have had it!" said a clearly annoyed Frank. "Dino, Sammy, Pete -- let's throw 'em out of here!!"

Clearly, it looked like trouble was about to erupt... much to the delight of the heavily anti-The Haiku Master crowd! But as the Rat Pack rushed us, my fellow extempriates and I were suddenly bathed in an odd golden light -- the same kind of beam that Haikunestro had used to temporally displace me to 1960!

Did this mean we were about to be sent back to our native time period? I guess you'll have to read the next chapter to find out!!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. X---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. VIII

2005-09-26T18:02:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER VIII

Haikunestro's temporal displacement procedure complete, I found myself whisked back in time to 1960... and as I would later learn, then-popular entertainer Joey Bishop was sent to 2005 to fill the void left by yours truly! How and why did this switcheroo happen? Don't ask me; my areas of expertise are crimefighting and haikuing, not advanced temporal theory.

Try As He Might, The Haiku Master Couldn't Figure Out What The Hell Goes On With Time Travel

Either way, it turned out that sending the Sultan of Syllables to 1960 was akin to throwing Br'er Rabbit into the Briar Patch -- 'cause frankly, I loved it! Men were men, women were women, and one could drink as much as one wanted without risk of being labeled an alcoholic by the future's small-minded society! Plus, you could smoke wherever you wanted; even in nursery schools and doctor's offices!

To make the pot even sweeter, the displacement gave me a once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet the most legendary rabble-rousers of this or any time: the one-and-only Rat Pack!! Knowing they headquartered at The Sands, I raced over there to make their acquaintance after recovering from the inevitable bout of time travel sickness.

They were rehearsing in The Sands' main lounge when I found them: Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and Peter Lawford... everyone except Joey Bishop!

From Left: Peter Lawford, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, And Sammy Davis Jr. Were In Full Swing Until The Haiku Master Interrupted Them

"When the clock strikes... half past six, dear..." Frank was cooing, and then: "Hey!" he barked, pointing at me. "Who's this Clyde?"

The band screeched to a halt, and the other Packers peered over their microphones to get a look at the source of their leader's displeasure.

"The name's not Clyde," I said. "It's Master... The Haiku Master."

"Haiku Ma..." said Sammy. "Say, what is this? Some kind of joke?"

"Yeah baby," slurred Dino. "It's gotta be a prank; I know I haven't drank enough to see cabbage where I should be seeing hair..."

"Oh that," I said, thinking on the fly. "Yes, I'm uh, Dutch. That's right, Dutch."

"Dutch?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, Dutch."

"I'm sorry, but I've been to Holland," said a clearly distrustful Peter Lawford. "How does being Dutch explain having cabbage for hair?"

"Well, not that it's any of your business, but as a child my hair was torn off in a tragic windmill accident. The local doctor was also a respected cabbage farmer, and having no stock of replacement hair onhand, he chose to make do with the cream of that year's bumper crop."

"Wha..?" they said in unison.

"Never mind that, though. Who's ready for some good ol' fasioned ring-a-ding-ding?!?"

"Pally, you just said the four little words we love to hear most!" Frank bellowed with glee. "The Rat Pack's always ready for some ring-a-ding-ding! Let's go men! Cock-a-doodle-doo!!!"

The five of us then streamed out of the lounge and into the unsuspecting casino, ready to fly ourselves to the swinging moon of our choice!

"Man, I'm buoyant!" Frank insisted, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as we took over a craps table. "I feel about eight feet tall!!!"

"So say we all, Frankie!" Dino yelled, rubbing two dice in his sweaty hand. "Let's get this action going, huh? C'mon, seven!"

Seven it was -- the first of many hot rolls that would keep our gasser going long into the night! But whether or not I'd be able -- or would even want -- to return to my own time is a matter that will have to wait for later!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. IX---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. VII

2005-09-26T18:01:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER VII

So it was that our merry band of adventurers found itself scattered, and I was escorted to Haikunestro's top secret laboratory miles below the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience concession! Once there, the Star Fleet washouts assigned the unenviable task of guarding the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 forced me into a black unitard before strapping me to a white medical table.

These Guys Had Their Hands Full Keeping An Eye On The Haiku Master

"So, uh, what's the plan guys?" I asked. "Not a prostate exam, I hope?"

"That's Cap'n Haikunestro's decision, swine," snarled one of the guards. "Now shut your man-pleaser before I come over there and shut it for you."

"Shut my... oh, that's gross!" I said. The guard advanced, smacking a truncheon into his open palm. "Gah, I mean -- shutting up, sir!"

"That's more like it," he said, rejoining his companions by the lab's entrance.

Minutes ticked by, marked by the vintage high school-style clock on the wall. Finally, after nearly an hour, the lab's doors whooshed open... and in walked my old foe!

"Ahh, Haiku Master. I trust you've made yourself comfortable?"

"Well no, not really," I said. "Those goons of yours..."

"I don't. actually. care. if you're comfortable! Idiot!!"

"Oh, sorry. You did ask."

"It was an ironic rhetorical question, you moron! What the hell is wrong with you?! But never mind that -- I nearly forgot my reason for inviting you here to my sanctum sanctorum!"

"This is your sanctum sanctorum?" I said, barely holding back my disdain as I looked around the lab. "Not to be immodest, but I have to admit my sanctum sanctorum easily surpasses your sanctum sanctorum in both sanctum and sanctorum capacities."

"Shut the #@%$ up!!!" Haikunestro screamed. "We're not at your sanctum sanctorum, we're at my sanctum sanctorum, which means my house, my rules! And the first rule is, next thing out of your mouth and the highly trained pack of vicious assassins behind me is going to give you the Full Metal Jacket Private Pyle treatment!"

"They're going to go in the bathroom and blow their own heads off?"

"No!! Goddammit!! They're going to beat you in the stomach with pillowcases full of soap bars!! Now shut! the #@%$! up!!!"

"Alright, alright, geez!"

"Much better. Now then. Where were we? Ah yes -- why I invited you here. You'd probably like to know that, hmm?"

"Y--"

"Don't talk!! Just nod your goddamn head!!"

I nodded in the affirmative.

"Very good. And the answer is quite simple. You've been a thorn in my side for far too long, see, so I've decided to get rid of you once and for all... by sending you back in time to a point before either one of us was even born!"

With those words, a large, golden, star-shapped object descended from the ceiling towards yours truly, spinning wildly and glowing with some strange inner power!

"What on earth is that?" I asked.

"My temporal displacer. I hope you like it!"

Haikunestro (Left) Savors His Victory As The Haiku Master Prepares For Temporal Displacement

"Temporal displacer, huh? Do you expect me to be talk?"

"Expect you to talk? Why the hell would I expect you to talk?! I already told you to shut! up!! No, dumbass -- I expect you to be temporally displaced!"

With that, Haikunestro flicked a switch on a nearby control panel and the device shot out a beam of light, ensnaring me in a golden field of energy! Everything went dark and I drifted through time... making this a great point at which to end this chapter!!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. VIII---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. VI

2005-09-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER VI

Within moments we found ourselves surrounded by some tough-talking characters in Star Trek costumes, all sworn to do the twisted bidding of my arch-enemy... and armed to the teeth with some sweet futuristic rayguns! Talk about being outgunned and outclassed!

Haikunestro (Second From Left) And Some Of His Hired Thugs

"And so we really meet again for the last time this time, you cabbage-coiffed coolie!" Haikunestro snarled.

"Haikunestro!" I gasped. "How did you find us so quickly, you fiend?!"

"How did I find you? I recently purchased the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience concession -- right next door to the Space Quest Casino! That's how I found you! Or didn't Professor de la Grump here--"

"Hey! I am not grumpy!" the Prof shouted.

"--have a chance to explain that to you yet?"

"No he hadn't... but it doesn't surprise me in the least! The Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has been highly disappointed by the recent deterioration of the once-proud Trek franchise, and learning that you're involved with it explains a lot!"

"Why you--!!" he grumbled, shaking his fist. "Lieutenant Kyle!"

"Yo-ho, mon capitan!" shouted a flunky in a red shirt.

"I want you and a security detail to escort the old man and the fez monkeys to the brig! Then, secure the Haiku Doofus in my lab."

"Yo ho! And what of the prostitute, sir?"

Angelina's eyes flew open in shock. "Prostitute?"

"Vuh-oh," said the Professor. "Now I zink zey gone and done it."

"I! AM NOT! A PROSTITUTE!!!" bellowed the Oscar-winning star of Gone in 60 Seconds, grabbing two red-shirts and slamming their heads together with deadly results! More guards rushed in and she leapt skyward, her diamond-hard high heels crushing a couple of skulls upon her descent!

Oscar Winner Angelina Jolie: Not A Prostitute

"Well?" she said to me, eyes gleaming madly as she licked her lips. "Do you want to live forever?!"

"Hell yes!!!" I replied, rushing into the fray! I wasn't the only one emboldened by Angelina's bravery; as I unleashed the Haikung Fu technique known as the Ziggy Piggy on a goon done up like a Klingon, Ralphus and Malphus joined in too! Before I knew it, we had a certified brouhaha on our hands!

"All right, all right -- that's enough of that!" Haikunestro shouted... grabbing the Professor and pointing a massive laser gun right at his head!

"Check and mate, H.M." my longtime foe giggled. "Now put down your dukes and surrender, or de la Groove's going to have a 'hole' lot of thinking to do. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Get it? 'Hole' lot of thinking to do? Huh? Do you get it?"

"Umm, no..." I said, truthfully.

"I mean I'm going to put a hole in his head if you people don't stop fighting!! Jesus, you are such a moron!"

Now that I understood... leaving yours truly no choice but to surrender! Who knows whether or not I'll survive our next chapter, folks; guess you'll have to wait and see!!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. VII---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. V

2005-09-26T17:59:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER V

Not surprisingly, Professor de la Groove entered the Space Quest Casino at precisely 12:00 p.m. -- "local time" -- accompanied as always by his assistants, Ralphus and Malphus. Much to my embarrassment, however, Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya were nowhere to be seen... despite O.M.W.'s glib assurances to the contrary!

Professor De La Groove (Center) And His Assistants, Ralphus (Left) and Malphus, Arrive At The Space Quest Casino

"So H.M.," said the Professor, lighting an expensive cigar. "I ask jou to gather a highly trained crew of seasoned professionals, and zis is vat jou bring me? A vell-dressed prostitute and a pack of seedy European businessmen? Zat I could've done myself."

"I knew she was a prostitute!" I heard one of the businessmen whisper. "Now pay up!"

"Alright, old chap, you win," said a second. "It's a load off, actually. A woman of Angelina Jolie's stature spending time with a mentally handicapped medical oddity such as that made absolutely..."

"Ex-cuse me? A prostitute?!" hissed an enraged Angelina, de la Groove's insinuation finally sinking in. "As it so happens, I'm an Oscar-winning actress -- and the sexiest woman alive! Besides, I'm not the one dressed like... like... like an avacado pimp!"

"Ooooh," the Professor said, raising his hands in mock surrender as he turned to me, laughing. "Ooh, she is ze feisty one, H.M.! Jou'd better vatch jourself vith--!!"

Before he had a chance to finish, SWA-MACK!!! Angelina landed a wicked slap against the decrepit old man's noggin, knocking his fine hat clear off his head! A bad move on her part; without batting an eye Malphus leapt forward, catching her in a dreaded Sleeper Hold!! Angelina thrashed wildly, eyes screaming murder! It looked as if all hell was about to break loose, until:

"No no, Malphus, let her be," said the Professor, smiling, as Ralphus retrieved his hat and placed it back on his wizened head. "Let her be. I deserved zat." Then, to Angelina: "My dear Miss Jolie, please accept ze most humble apologies of Professor Zadwick Tiberius Vilhelm de la Groove. I know very vell vho jou are, and am a fervent admirer. But I needed to measure jour fire, and figured ze best vay to do zat vas vith ze old insult. Frankly, it comes as no surprise zat jou passed.

"Zat said," he continued, "I still zink ve'll need more support, zough jou both bring considerable talents to ze table. Vhat zose guys bring, I don't know."

"What, you mean the seedy European businessmen?"

"Hey!" one of them shouted. "We are not seedy!"

"Bad form," muttered another.

"Oui, vho else vould I mean?"

"Oh, they're not actually with us. We were just playing some baccarat with them."

"Baccarat? Vhat do jou know about ze baccarat, H.M.?"

"Not much, as it turns out. They really took me to the cleaners!"

Try As He Might, The Haiku Master (Center) Couldn't Figure Out What The Hell Goes On With Baccarat

"Ah vell, live and learn. Or in jour case just live, eh?"

"You better believe it, Prof!"

"Either vay, zis is ze bad news jou are bringing me. Even vith my help, vun professional crimefighter and ze vorld's sexiest voman von't be enough to stop Haikunestro's mad plot, mark my vords!"

"Don't mark 'em yet -- we didn't come alone!"

"Oh? Jou brought a group vith jou, did jou?" he said, scanning the casino before shrugging. "Zen vhere are zey, H.M.? Hmm? Hmmmm? Don't tell me zey are invisible, my young friend!"

"No, they're not invisible! They're around here somewhere... there's a robot, and a weather warlock, and a top-rated cockfighting champ -- ooh, and a super-strong dude who might be a clone of George W. Bush! Tell him, Angelina! Tell him!"

"It's true, Professor. They just appear to be late. The robot, however, is waiting outside by the cabstand."

"Now jou I can believe," said my old ally, slyly winking at my current squeeze. "Vell, I guess ve can give zem a few more min..."

"Stuff it, old-timer," said an eerily familiar voice behind me. "The only thing you're going to be giving is the sweet, sweet pleasure of watching you all die long, drawn-out, excruciatingly painful deaths -- and you'll be giving it all to me! All to daddy!! All to the pop-a-rooski!!!"

I swung around in a Haikung Fu fighting stance... only to find myself once more face-to-face with the vilest traitor in the venerable Cobra Kai Haiku Order's long history!

"That's right, shit for brains," he said, sneering. "It's me... the one and only Haikunestro!!!"

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. VI---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. IV

2005-09-26T17:58:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER IV

Following a torrid session with Angelina Jolie, I happened to glance at my watch while getting dressed... and realized it was already half-past twelve!

Angelina Jolie Snuggles Up To The Haiku Master (Left) On The Haiku Plane While A Jealous Haiku-Bot Looks On

"Sweaty Mother of Arbuckle!" I gasped. "We're late, Angelina -- Professor de la Groove's going to be furious! Come on, let's go!"

"But darling," she said. "I still have to put on my makeup!"

"No time for that now; you can put it on in the cab! Haiku-Bot, you too! Let's move it, people!"

"Begging your pardon Mr., The Haiku Master sir but, my internal servo-processors indicate..."

"Less talk more go!" I barked, straightening my ascot as I locked the Haiku Plane's hatch behind me.

With that, we hustled through the airport and out to our choice of waiting cabs. We opted for a no-nonsense white model emblazoned with ads for Barry Manilow, Carrot Top, and the like, and were soon on our way.

"Where you folks headed?" the cabbie asked.

"The Las Vegas Hilton -- and there's an extra something in it for you if you can get us there forty minutes ago!"

"That's a tall order chief, but I'll see what I can do."

See he did, but it was all for naught... for by the time we arrived at the Hilton, it was already one o'clock! Needless to say, our driver did not receive a tip.

From Left: The Haiku-Bot, Angelina Jolie, And The Haiku Master Enter The Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino

"Goddamn the hands of time!" I shouted as we burst into the Space Quest Casino, startling some elderly women who were fiendishly feeding their pensions into a bank of Damnation Alley-themed slot machines. "I don't see Professor de la Groove anywhere -- they must've gone on without us!"

"Keep it down, you bozo!" said one of the grandmothers. "We're trying to win some money here!"

"Yeah!" said a second. "You're gonna throw my mojo out of whack!"

"With all due respect Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but I believe, we are. Early."

"What are you babbling on about now?! Unless Congress recently voted to change the direction in which time flows, one o'clock still comes after twelve o'clock!!"

"Tsk, this horrible Administration," Angelina said. "Is there nothing so low as to prevent them from stooping for it?"

Ignoring Angelina, the Haiku-Bot continued. "Bzzt. Correct. As of my, most recent data update Congress, has not changed the flow of time."

"Then how the hell could we be early?"

"Mr. The Haiku, Master sir there is, a three hour time difference. Between the east and, west coasts of the United, States. Of America."

"Three hour time difference... what on earth are you talking about, you overweight blob of grease?!"

"He's right, darling," Angelina breathed huskily in my ear. "I learned about it through all the travel required by my profession."

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" I declared. "That certainly explains a lot of the confusing situations I encounter while on the road. But no matter now. All right, let's synchronize watches! Ten-oh-nine 'local time' on my mark, and... Mark!"

The issue settled, the three of us decided to kill the remaining hours by easing into some high stakes gambling. At least, we were going to until the Haiku-Bot found itself fairly discriminated against!

"Hey!" shouted the Space Quest Bar's pudgy tender, pointing wildly at H.B. "We don't serve their kind here!"

Any Similarities Between The Space Quest Bartender And A Lucasfilm Character Are Purely Coincidental

"I sincerely hope you're not referring to Homo Cabbagiens," I growled, simmering with rage at the apparent racism.

"No, 'droids. It'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's too easy for them to cheat! They got minds like computers, man!"

"Oh, I guess I can see that," I said. Then, to H.B.: "Listen, why don't you go wait out by the cabstand? We don't want any trouble."

"I heartily agree with, you Mr., The Haiku Master. Sir."

As H.B. trotted off, Angelina and I got down to some white knuckle baccarat with a crew of seedy businessmen from Europe... never realizing that every crisp snap of the cards was being watched by my sworn arch-foe, the one and only Haikunestro!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. V---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. III

2005-09-26T17:57:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER III

Thanks to my recruitment efforts, the Haiku Plane was stuffed to the gills with six of the roughest roughnecks around when it set down at Las Vegas' McCarran International Airport that Thursday morning. In fact, before we go any further, I do believe it's time for the Vegas Roll Call:

* * *

The Haiku Master: Possessed of mad haiku and crimefighting skillz, this world-famous adventurer needs no introduction.

Paulo: Noted cockfighting champion, and one of Mexico's greatest warriors. Also a skilled mariachi trumpet player.

Old Man Winter: An oft-drunk senior citizen with witchy winter powers. Can be downright dangerous when he's off his meds.

The Haiku-Bot: A robot copy of The Haiku Master, created by the Church of Scientology and rewired for domestic servitude by Best Buy's "Geek Squad." Makes the world's finest hoagie.

Dubya: On loan from legendary concert promoter Texas Kelly. Will not back down from a fight, and may or may not be a clone of America's so-called president.

Angelina Jolie: The sexiest woman alive, and very easy on the eyes. Also an expert at recovering lost treasure and adopting alleged orphans.

* * *

Seconds after the Haiku Plane touched down on the runway, Old Man Winter was out of his seat -- clutching large wads of cash in each hand as his eyes flashed wildly!

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there? I'm dying to lay some bets!"

"Sweet Jesus, man!" I replied, lounging in the navigator's seat as the Haiku-Bot taxied us to our gate. "We're not even off the runway! Calm down -- you'll upset Angelina!"

"Thank you, darling," Angelina said huskily from her easy-massage-access position behind yours truly. "That man frightens me to death."

"Fear not, my sweet. We'll be ensconced at our love nest at the local Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master soon enough!"

"Motel 6?" she said, eyes wide in shock. "Never in hell would I stay at a Motel 6! My first husband caught syhphilis using the toilet at one of those fleabag joints!"

"Yeah, I'm not too keen on 'the 6' either, Haiku Master," said O.M.W. "I got crabs from the one we stayed at in Cairo. I'm sure it wasn't from any of the call girls, 'cause they all told me they were clean."

(Ed. Note: See "Wheelin' and Dealin'" for details.)

"Dubya think that another e-xag-ger-a-tion," Dubya retorted. "Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh."

"I don't care where we stay," Paulo added, "so long as I get something to eat. I'm hongry."

"Enough!" I shouted. "You people are driving me bonkers! Except for you, Angelina."

"Excuse me Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but we have arrived at, the gate. The captain has, extinguished the 'no smoking' and, 'seatbelt' lights and passengers, may. Depart."

"Thank #$%@ for that!" said Old Man Winter, lighting a long, fat cigar as he grabbed his carry-on bag. "I'll meet you guys at the Hilton -- time for this mad daddy to throw some bones!"

"I'll go with you, Señor Winter," said Paulo. "I gotta get something to eat. I'm hongry."

"Dubya go too," added the freakishly bearded giant. "Me survey the damage."

"Okay, but don't forget: we're meeting Professor de la Groove at the Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino at 12:00 o'clock! Don't be late!"

"Hey, don't worry about us Haiku Master!" Old Man Winter shouted back as the three scuttled off the plane. "We'll be fine, you'll see!"

With that, they were gone... and I soon found myself once more in the warm embrace of the world's sexiest woman, Angelina Jolie!

"Now that they're gone, darling," she whispered, "do you think you could fit some time into your busy crimefighting schedule for some mad, passionate lovemaking with me?"

"Could I ever! Let me just shut down the Haiku-Bot first..."

"No, let him watch -- let him see what he is missing! Let all the men of the world see what they are missing when they are not with me: Angelina Jolie!! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

Being a wholesome American entertainment provider, we at Haiku International will now dim the lights so that any children in the audience won't be subjected to the horribly unnatural sight of naked human beings. Don't worry, though; we'll have plenty of good old fashioned violence for them in subsequent chapters!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. IV---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. II

2005-09-26T17:56:00.000-04:00

* * *
CHAPTER II

Having received my marching orders from Professor de la Groove, I set about assembling the crack team of skilled professionals we were after... an act that would require more than a little pride-swallowing on my part! Why? Because you can't spell "professional" without the letters "p," "o," "a," and "l" -- all of which can be found in the name of one of Mexico's greatest adventurers, and my onetime sidekick, Paulo!

Paulo: Agent Of Haiku

Unfortunately, Paulo and I were no longer on the best of terms, having parted ways earlier this year after he and our band, Masters of Mariachi, betrayed yours truly in Austin. (Ed. Note: See "Drunk in the Heart of Texas" for details.) Still, given Paulo's wide range of talents, I knew we had to have him if this mission was going to be a success.

"Ésta es casa de Paulo," he said in a language I didn't recognize when I finally got him on the phone. "¿Qué usted desea?"

"Paulo old sport! It's me, The Haiku Master!"

"¿Quién?"

"No, not the Queen -- The Haiku Master! You know, the Hombre muy Extraño? Now turn off the gibberish and turn on the English, son!"

"Oh, you. Well, uh, so what do you want?"

"I want what you want, friend!"

Silence. And then: "Tacos?"

"No! Danger! Excitement! Adventure! Bad craziness!!! That's what kindred souls like us want!"

"Oh. I think maybe you have the wrong number, señor."

"Wrong number?! Why you little rascal! This is about what happened last spring, isn't it?"

"No... Why? What happened last spring?"

"What happened last--?! Are you kidding me? You don't remember Sixsew? When you and MoM kicked me out of the band? And the subsequent unleashing of my infamous Haiku Master Beserker Rage, which undoubtedly landed all of you in traction for a few months or more? Is any of this ringing a bell?"

"Sí. All except the last part. You didn't hit us, señor. You just got mad, smashed two of Sanchez's guitars, then ran off screaming and waving your arms."

"Waving my... Huh. Well I'll be. Then you're not mad at me?"

"No, not me. Sanchez is though."

"Oh. I guess I can understand that. But why'd you say I had the wrong number if you're not mad?"

"Because I don't want those things you was talking about, Hombre muy Extraño. I just want some tacos."

"What about later?"

"You mean after tacos?"

"Yeah, after tacos."

"I don't know. Maybe I will take siesta?"

"A party?"

"No señor, that's fiesta."

"Then what the hell's a siesta?"

"A nap."

Doctor Who Owned The TARDIS, And Even He Didn't Spend As Much Time Talking On The Phone As The Haiku Master Has In This So-Called Adventure -- Ed.

"What the--?! For Pete's sake! What kind of crazy, mixed-up culture uses synonyms for its words for 'nap' and 'party'?!?"

"Sí, well, I'd love to say this was fun señor, but it wasn't. And I still want tacos."

Clearly, hope was fading fast... which meant it was time for the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to fall back on the convincing power of a little white lie!

"Wait wait wait, Paulo -- listen to me! Remember who we fought on our first case together?"

"Sí, El Diablo. The cock with bones of steel."

"No, not the chicken. The chicken's owner, remember him?"

"If I tell you once, señor, I tell you a million times: is no chicken, is cock!"

"Look, I didn't call to argue semantics! Do you remember the owner, Haikunestro!?"

(Ed. Note: This time, see "Journey Into Mexico" for details.)

"Sí. What of him?"

"He's back, Paulo -- and this time, he's training an army of robot fighting chickens at his top secret base of operations in Las Vegas!"

"No!" Paulo gasped. "This cannot be! He'll drive all the honest cockfighters out of business! Gah -- like my cousin, Pepe!"

"Indeed he will, old friend... unless we stop him first! Now: are you with me?!?"

"¡Sí, Hombre muy Extraño, sí! No matter the cost, you can count on Paulo to help you with this!"

And just like that, Paulo was on board. With him secured, getting the rest of my prospective targets proved to be a breeze... though the mission awaiting us would be anything but!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. III---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. I

2005-09-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

Click For Larger Image

* * *
CHAPTER I

Set a course for High Adventure, adrenaline-heads! It's me, The Haiku Master, ready to pump you up with my latest, greatest, all-too-true Epic Saga!!!

Hot Babes Like This Are A Dime A Dozen In Vegas

So without further adieu, let's get into it. As they often do, this case started innocuously enough: I was polishing my game in Castle Haiku's bowling alley... when the Haiku-Bot had the unmitigated gall to interrupt!

"Excuse me Mr., The Haiku Master sir," it said, breaking my concentration and causing me to roll a gutter ball.

"Con-found it!" I growled. "Look what you made me do, you tin-plated creep!"

"Begging your pardon Mr., The Haiku Master but you, had already released the sphere prior, to my entrance and, based on my calculations a gutter, ball was inavoidable oh-point-two, seconds before I. Spoke."

"Talk to the hand, for my ears surely don't want to hear your paltry excuses!" I countered, raising my open right palm to H.B.'s face as my head turned sullenly to the left.

"Bzzt... hrmmm," it said, plainly confused. Regardless, H.B. pressed on, speaking into my hand as directed. "You have a, telephone. Call. It is Mr. Professor, de la Groove."

"Professor de la Groove?! Well why didn't you say so! Patch him through at once!"

The Haiku Master's Old Friend And Mentor, Professor De La Groove

I took a seat in one of the bowling alley's luxurious recliners, and within minutes the sound of my longtime science ally filled the room.

"'Allo? 'Allo? H.M., are jou zere?"

"Indeed I am, Professor! And as always, a pleasure to hear from you! To what do I owe the honor?"

"It iz ze trouble, H.M.! Ze beeeg trouble!"

"Big trouble, you say? Then it sounds like you called the right person! Lay it on me, Prof!"

"I cannot give jou ze details over ze phone, old friend, but I can tell jou zis: ze trouble of vhich I speak involves jour arch-enemy, ze city of Las Vegas, and ze greatest science fiction television franchise of all time!!"

"Well, I know the first one must be Haikunestro... but what's the TV show? Space: 1999?"

The Space: 1999 Year Two Soundtrack Continues To Be One Of The Haiku Master's Favorite Records

"No, you eembeezeel! It is ze Star Trek! But I can say no more on zis infernal contraption!"

"I understand, and it should go without saying that I'm ready and willing to give you all the help you need."

"I am very glad to hear jou say zat, H.M.! Ve're going to need a crew of seasoned pros to pull off zis job. I vant jou to assemble ze team, and meet me at ze Las Vegas Hilton at twelve o'clock zis Zursday!"

"Thursday? Why does everyone always want me to travel on Thursdays?"

"Vell, I can't speak for all ze people, but in my case it's a cheap day to fly."

"Fair enough -- and worry not! I know a number of top-rate pros who'll be happy to help... or else! But I do have one small request."

"Oui?"

"Can we stay at the local Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master instead of a Hilton? I'm sponsored by 'The 6', see, and I think it's against my contract to..."

"Ze Motel 6? Never in hell vould I stay at a Motel 6! My zird vife caught ze syphilis jusing ze toilet at vun of zose fleabag joints! Zat said, jou are free to sleep vherever jou vish. Just meet me at ze Hilton's Space Quest Casino by noon!"

Motel 6: The Only Motel Chain Endorsed By The Haiku Master, Despite Professor De La Groove's Unjustified Prejudices

After exchanging brief parting pleasantries with the Professor, I got down to work. Well, first I got the Haiku-Bot to make me one of his world-class hoagies, and then I got to work. Right after digesting lunch with another frame of bowling. And reading the latest issue of Jughead. For the second time.

But after all that, you can believe I got to it! And as subsequent chapters will reveal, it's a good thing I did... for the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 would soon be embroiled in one of the most death-defying odysseys of an already legendary career!!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. II---

gone gamblin'

2005-09-21T15:26:00.000-04:00

Hey gang! It's me, The Haiku Master, and like a yin-yang symbol come to stunning life, I have good news and bad news for you, both in equal measures!

The good news is, I'm jetting off to beautiful Las Vegas tomorrow morning for a well-deserved vacation. The bad news is, I'm leaving my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer at home, so there'll be no updates from the road for you fine people while I'm gone!

Now, before you go slitting your wrists, bear in mind that this "blog" will still be here while I'm hitting the craps tables. Which means you can go back and re-read old adventures, and pretend that they're brand new posts from yours truly! Plus, I'll be back on Monday, and I'm sure I'll have loads of juicy details to share with you then.

So au revoir, 'ku believers! If you'll be in Vegas this weekend, be sure to look me up! Naturally, I'll be staying at the local Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master!

Best,

p for payback

2005-09-16T20:23:00.000-04:00

Ho ho ho, gentle readers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, and I'm in quite the merry mood... for sweet vengeance has been delivered unto those hooligans at the Helping Hands Halfway House!!

After giving it some thought, I decided it was time to fight fire with fire. So I've been giving them the business for three days straight: asking them for spare change, peering into their windows late at night, rifling through their trash, pooping in their lawn -- the works! Furthermore, I've directed Castle Haiku's pack of vicious attack dobermans to conduct their business in the H.H.H.H.'s backyard as well, for maximum shit tonnage.

The Haiku Master (Right) Devises A Foolproof Plan For Exacting Revenge Against The Helping Hands Halfway House

Unfortunately, the goofball-sucking twits next door still haven't abandoned their boorish behavior, resulting in what non-Mexicans might call a Mexican Stand-Off. Nevertheless, it's comforting to know they now face an equal risk of squishing unexpected meadow muffins 'twixt their toes.

That's all for now. Time for me to hit the mean streets of Charm City for my nightly patrol.

Best,

what do you mean, 'that's illegal'?

2005-09-12T22:45:00.000-04:00

Hello. Yes it's me, The Haiku Master. And guess what? No really, go ahead and guess. No guesses? Okay, I'll tell you: 'Twould appear it's against the law to forcibly hold and interrogate trespassers in the ass-backwards State of Maryland!!!

After Allowing Him To Change Into Civilian Threads, A Cop Takes The Haiku Master (Left) To Jail

That's right! In fact, I just got back from a trip to the county courthouse, on account of a few complaints filed against yours truly by the vagabond tenants of the Helping Hands Halfway House! The nerve of those blackguards -- sneaking around, rifling through my trash, defecating in my yard! And I'm the one who gets arrested?! Ricidiculous! Preposterous!! Unthinkable!!!

Unfathomable!!!!!

Gotta go, 'ku believers; time for the Sultan of Syllables to whip up a grade-A trap for those rats next door. And by rats, I mean the bums living in the halfway house. Just so there's no confusion.

Best,

road to victory #1: broncos at dolphins

2005-09-11T13:18:00.000-04:00

Get ready to celebrate, adventure-lovers! It's me, The Haiku Master, pleased to introduce the newest fangle to the one, true Haiku International "blog": live coverage of the world's greatest football team, The Miami Dolphins, on their march to a well-deserved berth in this year's Super Bowl XL!*

The Haiku Master's Ready For Some Football, Dolphins-Style

The 'Phins' offense is on the field right now, so I have to glue myself to Castle Haiku's high-tech bank of Sony Trinitrons. Fear not, I'll keep you updated on all the action!

* That's "Forty," for those of you who don't speak binary.
------------------------
1:25 p.m.

A 61-yard run! Made by wideout Chris Chambers! Why the hell is the wideout playing running back? Either way, good job!

------------------------
1:32 p.m.

There's NO HONOR in field goals!! True enough, my beloved 'Phins have drawn first blood, but too many field goals is one of many reasons why former coach Dave "Fraud" Wannstedt was run out of town on a rail. The current administration would do well to keep that in mind.

Dave Wannstedt: The Only Football Coach Endorsed By Chumps And Fools

------------------------
1:37 p.m.

Current Score: Dolphins 3, Broncos 0. Zip. Nada! Zilch! The Big Kumquat!

Just making sure we're all on the same page.

------------------------
1:42 p.m.

Another Dolphin penalty? This is a football team, not a goddamned dude ranch; Saban better crack the whip if this keeps up! Of course, wideout Marty Booker just pulled in a 10-yard reception, so all is forgiven... this time.

Ah, and here comes a powerful first down off the increasingly productive Frerotte/Chambers connection -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is beginning to like what he sees!

But then, just as I go to hit the "publish" button, the 'Phins stumble to their third pre-snap penalty! Tighten it up, you yahoos!!

Okay, first quarter's up; still Dolphins 3, Broncos 0. Eat it, Shanahan!

------------------------
1:48 p.m.

Looking good, Gus: 10-13 for 92 yards and no interceptions. Fiedler's not fit to carry your cleats!

Gus Frerotte: The First "R" Is Silent, And Therefore Useless

And we're inside the 20. Why does this Champ Bailey ruffian keep giving us so much grief? Mayhaps a John Kreese-style "sweep the leg" commandment is in order... no no, stay calm. Must avoid the penalty. Keep it tight in there, Saban: tight, and at the same time loose. This is no time for mistakes. Not now that we're in the Red Zone.

It's the shotgun for Frerotte... only to be foiled by a fourth pre-snap penalty! I've had enough of that; if Saban can't put a lid on it, I may be forced to fly the Haiku Plane down to Miami to set things straight!

Gah! Even as I make my threat, a fifth penalty! Unfathomable! Feeling faint... sound of calliope music filling the air. Six penalties altogether! Six!

Now, Frerotte incomplete to Chambers -- nearly intercepted! No, the quarterback can't be frazzled already. Not this early in the game!

So we come to a second field goal. It's up off Olindo Mare's experienced foot... and it's good! Dolphins 6, Broncos a pathetic 0.

Still, that's a slim margin for error. There's no room for excuses in the red zone. Get it together you monkeys!

------------------------
1:56 p.m.

Ha ha, Denver "QB" Jake Plummer hasn't netted a passing yard all game. What a mook!

------------------------
1:58 p.m.

Very strange. A commercial just featured noted football expert John Madden stating that the Patriots play their home games in "Bean Town." No wonder they tell people they're from the more generic New England.

------------------------
2:00 p.m.

And the Broncos go three-and-out once more, without creating so much as an iota of excitement. It's like they've hired Wannstedt to tell Shanny what to do.

------------------------
2:03 p.m.

Dolphins at their 45... Frerotte with the fake, and deep to Chambers! But no, incomplete.

Frerotte...pressured...no! No! Interception! It's Bailey again! Sweep Bailey's leg! For god's sake sweep Bailey's leg!

And as for you, Frerotte: tighten it up!

------------------------
2:13 p.m.

Just when it looked as if the defense was starting to bend, with the Broncos deep in our territory: KRAKA-DOOM!!! A massive, bone-rattling blow from linebacker Zach Thomas! Thomas was run over by a truck when he was but 6, a tragic event that turned him into one of the most feared linebackers on this or any planet.

Zach Thomas Does Not Rest Until His Enemies Are Crushed, Driven Before Him, And He Hears The Lamentations Of Their Women

And... yes! A monstrous goal line stance by the 'Phins, driving back the foolhardy Broncos who decided to go for it on fourth down. Not in the house that Joe Robbie built, suckers! Dolphins still 6, Broncos still 0.

------------------------
2:17 p.m.

Alas, the offense did not capitalize on this turn-around, going a cowardly three and out. I need more cowbell, Saban! More cowbell!

------------------------
2:21 p.m.

Broncos appear to be moving again... hopefully it will once more come to naught. Speaking of which, that word always reminds me of Jethro Bodine. You know, "naught, naught, carry the naught?" No? Sounds like your cultural studies are seriously lacking.

------------------------
2:24 p.m.

Broncos at the nine yard line... Plummer passes... incomplete! Keep it going, defense, keep it going. Argh, satellite interference! Okay, back online. Broncos still haven't gone anywhere... they go for the field goal! Good: dammit! Dolphins 6, Broncos 3.

But what's this... the announcers are speaking with my close, personal friend, legendary NFL Hall of Fame Coach Don Shula! Always good to hear from an ally.

------------------------
2:30 p.m.

Sweet -- Dolphin offense re-taking the field. My god, don't they look like a pack of trained killers! Let's see what they can do... whoa, tight end Randy McMichael to the 45! Big hit, though... c'mon McMichael, get up! Gah! Satellite fritz again! Don't tell me McMichael's dead? No, no -- good.

In Addition To Having The NFL's Only Undefeated Season, The Miami Dolphins Have Unbelievably Hot Cheerleaders Like This Minx At Their Disposal

Okay, Dolphins moving again. Quick pass from Frerotte brings them into Bronco territory... 42? 45? Either way, it's a gain. Keep an eye on the mistakes, you yahoos! And damn this satellite! What's this, is it a first down? Time out? What in the hell?

Fourth and one? Well... this is really where we seperate the men from the boys, isn't it? 'Phins regrouping, going over their options. Play it safe and punt, or go for the honor with a stacatto run from #2 overall draft pick, running back Ronnie Brown? Go for the honor, Saban...

Yes, they're going for it! Chambers in motion... what the? Brown catches it for a loss? What kind of amateur bullshit was that? Who called that play?!

Oh well, at least there's only nine seconds left in the half. Miami still 6, Denver 3.

------------------------
2:33 p.m.

Aaaaand that's the first half: Dolphins 6, Broncos 3. Suck it, Shanahan!

------------------------
2:48 p.m.

Okay, well, that's going to have to do it for this game. Old Man Winter just got back into town to start setting up for his end-of-year local operations, and he's coming over with a satchel of hoagies, a box of fine Cuban tobacco, and five cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon: The Official Beer of The Haiku Master! In return, I'm going to let him watch the rest of the game over here, but hosting won't leave me much time for "blogging" and such. Still and all, I'll try to give a recap when I sober up later today. Until then, Dolphins rule, Broncos drool!

And look at this: Champ Bailey just got helped off the field, injured! By Ronnie Brown, no less! Sounds like a "sweep the leg" order was sent out after all!

------------------------
3:31 p.m.

I know I said I wouldn't be back, but... can you believe it? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! That's right, baby: as of two minutes ago, the score is now Miami 20, Denver a far-from-manly 3, thanks in large part to second-half passing and rushing TDs! WAY TO GO, MIAMI!!!

Then again, all this Pabst Blue Ribbon is pretty damn good, too!

------------------------
3:56 p.m.

Sweet Jesus! I'm out of my mind with joy!!! 27-10 with less than six minutes to play! The Dolphins are giving the Broncos such a stern whipping that the local CBS affiliate just switched to Miami after the lackluster affair in Pittsburgh! 24 of 36 for 275 yards and 2 TDs for Frerotte, more than making up for his earlier interception. Ronnie Brown only pulled in 57 yards on 22 carries, but I'm willing to cut him some slack: he's a rookie, and the Broncos were telling anyone who'd listen that they were going to stuff the 'Phins' running game... never counting on the masterful bombardment from the air! Serendipity!

As for Haiku International's Player of the Game? That honor goes to Marty Booker. I always liked that kid when he played for Chicago -- he was a master of the "wide receiver passes for a touchdown" trick play in those days -- and today he's pulled in five catches for 104 yards and a TD: sa-lute!

Alright, this is probably really the last update this time. Unless something crazy happens, like Marino suddenly taking the field for one snap under center. God bless Dan Marino, god bless Nick Saban, and god bless the Miami Dolphins!

Oh, and as for Old Man Winter, he already passed out -- a man his age should know better than to funnel his beer. Good luck to that fool if he thinks his wallet will still be around when he wakes up!

------------------------
4:15 p.m.

Final Score: World's Greatest Football Team The Miami Dolphins 34, Nothings Without John Elway The Denver Broncos 10!!! The capper? The final touchdown was defensive, thanks to the fast hands and quick wits of defensive end Jason Taylor! Way to go, team! VICTORY IS OURS!!!

Legendary NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino Is Sure To Give His Seal Of Approval To Today's Big Win

And so the Saban Era gets off on the right foot. I leave you all with a rousing rendition of the one-and-only Miami Dolphins Fight Song! Hit it, gang!

Miami has the Dolphins/The Greatest Football Team
We move the ball from goal to goal/like no one's ever seen
In the air or on the ground/We're always in control
And when you're talking Miami/You're talking Super Bowl

'Cause we're the: Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins, Number One!
Yes we're the: Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins, Number One!

Best,

easy like sunday morning

2005-09-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

Shh! Be very quiet, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm hunting panhandlers!

As reported earlier, the "Helping Hands Halfway House" opened next door to Castle Haiku a couple days ago, and the neighborhood's looked like a low-rent George Romero movie ever since. Throngs of shiftless hobos wander the streets at all hours -- begging spare change, giving unsolicited windshield washings, stinking to high heaven, etc. -- and frankly, I've had enough.

Unfortunately, the timid legalities of this thin, cruel world bar the Sultan of Syllables from any direct action unless first being acted upon. That said, my thirst for vengeance has been somewhat sated by the brazen handful who have foolishly trespassed onto my stately estate -- including this joker, who I caught sifting through my garbage not twenty minutes earlier!

This Guy Thought The Haiku Master's Trash Was His Treasure; He Was Wrong

The scoundrel was oozing false apologies when I found him in the care of my newly acquired pack of vicious attack dobermans, but he'll learn the true meaning of remorse after an hour or so in Castle Haiku's interrogation chamber. Or my name's not The Haiku Master!

Best,

there goes the neighborhood

2005-09-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

Hi, kids. Yes it's me, The Haiku Master, but I have to warn you I'm in a horrible mood... because a "halfway house" just opened for business next door to Castle Haiku!

A Displeased The Haiku Master (Right) And The Haiku-Bot Discover A Newly Opened Halfway House While Taking Their Morning Constitutional

Can you believe it?! Yesterday, a vacant house. Today? A wicked den of villainous winos, junkies and other assorted deadbeats -- all just a stone's throw away from my sanctum sanctorum!

Needless to say, we'll be ramping up our security efforts here at Haiku International. In fact, I've already dispatched H.I.'s Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, to purchase a brace of billion-candle-power floodlights and all the makings for a tight perimeter of bungee stick-filled pits. It'll be a very sorry cough syrup addict who tries to case this joint, believe you me!

Best,

oh momma, that was one good hoagie

2005-09-08T19:20:00.000-04:00

Guess what, friends? It's me, The Haiku Master -- and man, am I ever stuffed!!

That's right! Turns out that, while his comma usage is still for shit, the Haiku-Bot has become a world-class sandwich maker since being reprogrammed for domestic servitude following my tussle with the Church of Scientology. In fact, I just finished off the scrumptious specimen seen below not 10 minutes ago, shortly after H.B. crafted it in Castle Haiku's state of the art kitchen!

The Haiku-Bot Whipped Up This Magnificent Hoagie For His Friend And Boss, The Haiku Master

All of which proves one of my long-standing theories: Even the evilest of electronic applicances can be turned to good if you show it a little love and understanding. Or get it rewired by the "Geek Squad" at your local Best Buy. Take your pick. Just don't try to take my hoagie!

Best,

so long daddy-o: maynard g. krebs, r.i.p.

2005-09-07T19:49:00.000-04:00

Bust out your hankies, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have some heartbreaking news for you: legendary Beat poet Maynard G. Krebs has slapped his last bongo (link goes to his New York Times obituary)!

Maynard G. Krebs Never Met A Bhong... Er, Bongo He Didn't Like

Born Bob Denver, Krebs was one of his generation's guiding lights, inspiring such diverse talents as Kerouak, Ginsburg, Burroughs, Von Zipper, Squigmond, and Rogers, not to mention countless others. Unfortunately, the market for Beat poetry dried up after the '50s, forcing him to turn to the cowardly field of acting just to make ends meet. I'm not sure what kind of roles he played -- a stint on a Lord of the Flies-esque sitcom comes to mind, though I can't recall its name -- but you can probably get more details from the Times obit.

So shine on, you long-gone crazy diamond! Know that at least one high-profile celebrity crimefighter shall miss your keen observations on the human condition, and that many glasses of fine American whiskey shall be emptied in your honor this evening!

With nary a coconut in sight.

Best,

shelton's a goddamn liar

2005-09-06T23:15:00.000-04:00

Hey gang. It's me, The Haiku Master, fresh off a rather eye-opening viewing of tonight's 10 O'Clock News.

Haiku International's Minister of Information -- make that former Minister of Information -- told me he had to "head home and check out the damage" shortly before it started. And brother, it's a damn good thing he did! For I spent no more than five minutes with my suave news anchors of choice before realizing he'd fed me a filthy, worm-ridden bowl of lies!!!

Sure, New Orleans was destroyed, but the other cities he mentioned were fine. Not to mention the fact that Katrina never made it anywhere near Baltimore... leaving me no choice but to believe that my former Minister of Information was responsible for Castle Haiku's vandalism! The nerve of that guy!

Ah well. Let's call it a lesson learned and a penny saved. And a stitch in time. 'Cause when life hands me lemons, I eat 'em, rinds and all -- and I smile while I'm doing it!!! Me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

it's okay to come out now

2005-09-06T20:20:00.000-04:00

Good news, friends! It's me, The Haiku Master -- finally ready to emerge from Castle Haiku's bomb shelter following Hurricane Katrina's bloody reign of terror!

I would've been up sooner, but with Katrina just leaving the country yesterday -- and totally destroying New Orleans, Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Chicago, Kansas City, Nashville and Kalamazoo in the process -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 wasn't about to take any chances. Hopefully you took my sage advice and sought shelters of your own before she hit.

Fortunately, I talked Haiku International's Minister of Information into serving as a topside lookout while this horrid, Old Testament-style storm wreaked a swath of destruction from one end of the country to another. Without him, the Haiku-Bot and I never would've known just how bad things had gotten outside: gas shooting up to $57.00 a gallon, Iraqi freedom fighters conquering New Orleans, people eating each other, the dead rising, etc.

Katrina had her cruel way with my luxurious top-secret base of operations, to boot: drinking all the liquor; eating all the snack cakes; drawing crude, unflattering cartoons about yours truly on the walls; and racking up some hefty pay-per-view porn charges on my satellite link-up! Shelton, on the other hand, came through without a scratch -- though his nerves were so shot he'd resorted to drinking vermouth, as seen here:

H.I.'s Minister Of Information Desperately Tries To Soothe His Jangled Nerves With A Stiff Glass Of Vermouth

So I guess that's that. Good luck on rebuilding society, folks. I'd join you, but I have just about everything I need here in Castle Haiku. Plus, there's no way I'm fighting any crime in Baltimore -- or anywhere else -- until they get all those goddamned zombies off the streets. Maybe I'll feel different after watching the 10 O'Clock News for the first time in a week, but as of right now it all seems a little pointless.

Best,

accept no substitutes

2005-08-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

Hi there, fan club members. It's me, The Haiku Master, still safely ensconced in Castle Haiku's bomb shelter following CNN.com's nationwide forecast of "death and destruction!"

Castle Haiku

The Haiku-Bot's also here, and we've been passing time with the home edition of "Tic Tac Dough." Before we get into our next white-knuckle match, though, I wanted to assure my loyal readers that we at the real Haiku International have nothing to do with this two-bit knockoff site, the so-called "Haiku International Blog."

More importantly, this is most certainly not me, despite the page's assurances to the contrary!

Needless to say, my high-powered celebrity lawyer of choice, Tom Mesereau, Jr., will be dealing with that gimp shortly. I just wanted to get the word out now to avoid any confusion amongst you good people.

Best,

sweet jesus, we're all going to die

2005-08-26T23:55:00.000-04:00

Bad news, folks! Horrible news, in fact! It's me, The Haiku Master, and if the fine folks at CNN.com can be trusted, there is certainly a bad moon on the rise!

I didn't plan on doing any "blogging" tonight, but upon returning to Castle Haiku after a successful patrol, I decided to do some "web surfing"... only to find this at CNN's website!

Looks like an otherwise innocent report about the wrath of God being visited upon Louisiana and Mississippi, right? That's what I thought too. Until I noticed the links underneath the main blurb!

Do you see what I'm seeing? No?! Then let me spell it out for you:

That's right! FORECAST: DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!! It doesn't get any worse than that!!

Okay for now, 'ku believers -- I suggest you all take cover at nearby bomb shelters until it's safe to come out! I know that's what I'll be doing!

Best,

why does pat robertson want to kill the lion of culiacan?

2005-08-25T20:23:00.000-04:00

Howdy folks. It's a rather perplexed The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight... 'cause I just heard that one of the world's most notorious religious grifters, Pat Robertson, wants to assassinate beloved boxer and civil rights pioneer Hugo Cesar Chavez!

Pat Robertson (Right) Thinks He's Tough Enough To Take On Hugo Cesar Chavez (Left); He's Wrong

I heard about the threat -- and Robertson's johnny-come-lately apology -- on the six o'clock news, and still can't believe it! That two-bit swindler, calling for the head of a renowned hero like the Lion of Culiacan?! Unfathomable!!

Haiku International's younger and/or dumber readers may be unfamiliar with Chavez's exploits, so here's a quick recap: After winning five world boxing titles and compiling a record of 104-5-2 (with 80 knockouts), Chavez retired from the ring... only to re-emerge as a civil rights champion for Mexican-Americans! His struggle to bring the United Farm Workers into existence won strong support from no less a personage than Robert F. Kennedy, and when Chavez died in 1993, he left a weeping nation in his wake.

Chavez -- A.K.A. "J.C. Superstar" -- Enjoyed A Memorable Boxing Career Before Becoming A Civil Rights Activist And Eventually Dying

All of which makes Robertson's demand for Chavez's assassination even more puzzling. But no less twisted!! Fair warning, Pat -- if you mess with Hugo Cesar Chavez, then you mess with me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

war: what is it good for?

2005-08-24T19:07:00.000-04:00

Greetings, 'ku believers. 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to expound on the conflict that has arisen between one of the 260th century's greatest heroes, Captain Walrus of the Universe, and the imbecelic toads who have hijacked the estate of Walrus' longtime ally, Cap'n Shrimpstain.

Know this: the so-called man purporting to be Stan Marino, non-existent brother of Dan Marino, is a fraud! In actuality, his name is Zander Schloss, and he was the bass player for the now defunct punk group known as the Circle Jerks. Shocking, I know... yet all too real!!

Zander Schloss: Better Bass Player Than Human Being

Embittered by his band's inability to get a gold record -- and his own inability to get a non-paid-for date -- Schloss time-traveled to the 260th century with a fistful of false documentation. After convincing the locals he was in fact related to legendary NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino, Schloss then weaseled his way into a position of power in the Shrimpstain Memorial Foundation -- and shortly thereafter used that beloved legacy to launch a two-front war against myself and Walrus!

While Walrus and I had planned to band together to thwart Schloss' mad scheme, the Sultan of Syllables is a busy man. And frankly, I don't have time for any of that 260th century nonsense... not when there are plenty of criminal enterprises to tackle right here in good ol' 2005! As a result, I'm withdrawing all resources from that far-flung battle, so as to better focus my energies on you fine people.

So good luck to you, Captain Walrus, but I'll thank you to leave me out of your troubles in the future. You certainly don't see me knocking on your door every time I need to kill a rat, do you?

Best,

kids are fun to beat

2005-08-23T19:50:00.000-04:00

Hey gang! It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever in a great mood... 'cause I just whipped a bunch of neighborhood kids in a pick-up game of marbles!

Ring The Bell: The Haiku Master (Left Foreground) Schools A Group Of Children In The Ancient Game Of Marbles

That's right! Me, the Sultan of Syllables, beating children at one of the things they do best! Is there anything I can't master?! Frankly, I'm beginning to doubt it!

As if victory alone weren't enough, I also won the hefty pile of marbles shown below. Plus the little girl's authentic Indian headdress! Right on!!

The Haiku Master Used His Mad Skillz To Claim This Monty Haul

Okay for now, loyal readers! Like my close, personal friend Kenny Rogers always says: "There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done." For me, that time is now!

Best,

rock on mister moog

2005-08-22T21:31:00.000-04:00

Brace yourselves, 'ku believers, for I, The Haiku Master, am the bearer of terrible news: synthesizer visionary Robert A. Moog has fingered his last keyboard! (Link goes to the always reliable Yahoo! News.)

Robert A. Moog: Superstar

That's right! The man whose fantastic music boxes gave life to everything from The Beatles' Abbey Road to A Clockwork Orange's soundtrack -- deader than a doorknob! But weep not, for Ol' Doc Moog's probably rocking out with Valhalla's all-star band as I type these words. I can see it now, as if it were a vision from on high: Sinatra! Hendrix! Lennon! Thunders! Moon! Entwhistle! Ramone (x3)! And now... MOOG!!!

Nobody Built A Better Synthesizer Than Moog

That's all for tonight, loyal readers -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 can stand no more of this morbid talk! I'm off to pay tribute to Moog the only way I know how; an eight-hour marathon rendition of Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," played on Castle Haiku's Moog Synthesizer with the Haiku-Bot accompanying me on drums!

Best,

sub-mariner rules, aquaman drools

2005-08-21T20:16:00.000-04:00

Land ho, thrill seekers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever troubled by a recent social phenomenon. That's right -- all the gosh-darn media attention being devoted to the world's number-two seafaring super-hero, Aquaman!

Outside His Awesome Taste In Colors, Aquaman Has Little Going For Him

Apparently, the furor started when Hollywood mogul James Cameron announced his intention to make a big budget Aquaman flick during a recent episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. This drew a great deal of scorn from the entertainment press, launching a flood of high-profile media reports on the so-called King of the Seven Seas.

While the majority of those exposés were deservedly negative, an important factor was overlooked in the hubbub. Specifically that Aquaman is, has been, and always will be the second-best at what he does, so long as Prince Namor of Atlantis, a.k.a. The Sub-Mariner, swims the earth!

Aquaman Could Learn A Lot From Atlantis' Avenging Son, The Sub-Mariner

Want proof? Let's look at a few key crimefighter categories, and see who comes out on top:

1) Super Powers: Aquaman can breathe underwater. And, uh, talk to fishes. (An ability so weak they even made a joke about it in The Godfather!) In addition to breathing underwater, Sub-Mariner's as strong as The Thing, has weird wings on his feet that let him fly, and can go bat-shit crazy at the drop of a hat. Plus, he has a bad-ass horn that he uses to call his sidekick, Giganto -- a humongous whale with human legs and arms!

2) Nicknames: Aquaman would have you believe his friends call him "the King of the Seven Seas." Yawn. Sub-Mariner? When he's in a good mood, he calls himself "the Avenging Son." If he's feeling surly? Then it's "the Scourge of the Sea" -- like it or not!

3) Sidekicks: Aquaman's sidekick calls himself Aqualad. Really. As for Sub-Mariner, see the previously referenced Giganto.

4) Top Secret Bases of Operation: I'm not really sure where Aquaman spends his downtime -- probably freeloading at the Hall of Justice -- but Sub-Mariner kicks it at his palace in Atlantis. Unless he's gone bat-shit crazy, as he often does, in which case he can be found attacking the U.N. Building in New York. Which is one of the many reasons I try to stay out of New York.

5) Battle Cries: Sub-Mariner wins this one by default, but it's damn hard to beat his "Imperius Rex!" Easily one of the coolest in the business.

6) Aliases (Or is it "Aliai?"): When it comes time to show I.D., Aquaman has to fess up to being Arthur Curry. Sub-Mariner, on the other hand, can proudly tell the arresting officer he is Prince Namor of Atlantis -- Imperius Rex!

7) Seniority: Aquaman moseyed onto the scene in 1941... a good two years after Sub-Mariner made his debut in 1939!

8) Legacy: Sub-Mariner has the dual distinction of being the first underwater super-hero and the first anti-super-hero. Aquaman is notable for being the second underwater super-hero.

No doubt about it -- Sub-Mariner's eight for eight in the above categories. But let's make it official by comparing a couple of their adventures. For parity's sake, we'll limit our study to issue #35 of their eponymous comic book series. First up, Aquaman #35:

Aquaman #35

Okay, not too shabby. I guess. If you can ignore the fact that "the King" is already conceding defeat right there on the cover. Still, the kids get to see him locked in a scuffle with some dudes called The Ocean Master (no relation to yours truly) and Black Manta. One that's being fought to see which third-rate super-villain gets to off him. Thrilling stuff. I'm sure it'll be hard for Prince Namor to top that in Sub-Mariner #35:

Sub-Mariner #35

Holy %#$@! Did you see that?! Not only is he fighting for his life with a giant octopus, but he's somehow managed to enrage an entire fleet of Soviet subs to the point where one of the crazed Russkies is ready to fire his sub-machine gun right through his vessel's porthole! And if Subby somehow lives through all that, there's a hungry shark coming up at him from below!!!

And the kicker? He's got to fight them all off with a pocketknife! A pocketknife!! Now that's what I call High Adventure!!!

So there you have it, loyal readers (and Mr. Cameron): Sub-Mariner rules, Aquaman drools. Case closed by me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

so apparently that was a bad investment

2005-08-20T19:12:00.000-04:00

Sigh. Yes it's me, The Haiku Master. And brother, am I ever depressed.

Remember my last epic saga, "Wheelin' and Dealin'"? In which Old Man Winter and I teamed up to buy 95% of the world's supply of Egyptian cotton, with a presumed fortune coming our way once we sold it? Yeah. Funny thing is, Haiku International's Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, has been doing his damndest for more than a month to find a buyer, and guess what? The best offer he's gotten so far is a team of donkeys and 12 girls of marrying age from an impoverished village in the Andes.

In other words, unless you're a polygamist, Egyptian cotton is worthless. Which means the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has been ripped off. And the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 hates being ripped off!!

As It Turns Out, Egyptian Cotton Isn't Worth A Dime

So beware, Milo Minderbender, beware! Wherever you go, wherever you hide, I will find you... and when I do, it shall surely be clobbering time!

Best,

----------------------
P.S. As the more observant amongst you have no doubt already noticed, three new The Haiku Master Epic Sagas comic book covers are now available: one for "Wheelin' and Dealin';" one for my tussle with the Scientologists, now entitled "Xenu and Me;" and a long-overdue one for "World of the Dogs." Enjoy!

wheelin' and dealin', pt. III

2005-08-18T20:59:00.000-04:00

***
CHAPTER III

The deal went down without a hitch -- much to my surprise, might I add! Shortly after the two showed up, Minderbinder was on his way with an attaché case full of cash, leaving Old Man Winter and myself in possession of stock certificates good for 95% of the entire world market for Egyptian cotton.

"Can you believe it, Haiku Master?!" Winter screeched, gleefully tossing two fistfuls of certificates above his head. "Hey, Haiku Master! Can you believe it?! What'd I tell you, huh? We're gonna be rich, baby! Filthy, stinking, dirty-drawers rich!"

"It certainly does appear to be the case," I said. "I wonder what all this is worth?"

"Millions! Billions! Gazillions!" mused Winter. "I mean, look at it all! Plus, we got ninety-five percent of the market! That's practically a monopoly!"

"True... but it's pronounced 'mah-no-paul-eee.' But why quibble over semantics? Let's celebrate!"

And celebrate we did! After directing the Motel 6's concierge to send up a cooler chockfull of beer and ice, we headed to one of Cairo's many fine beaches, and soon made the acquaintance of these local bunnies:

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter Always Have Time For The Ladies

Our group partied long into the night, and parting proved to be as unsweetly sorrowful as ever when O.M.W. and I bid our farewells to those middle-aged vixens the next morn. After checking out of the Motel 6, Winter and I shared a taxi to Cairo International, where we went our separate ways -- he to the North Pole, and me to Castle Haiku.

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! I'll see you later, okay?!" Winter shouted, just as the airport's security screeners found the live grenades I'd planted on his luggage earlier that day. A platoon of hired goons descended upon him with boots and clubs, providing me with a good chuckle as I whizzed through the V.I.P. gate to the waiting Haiku Plane.

Make no mistake, though -- Winter will get his share once Haiku International's Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, finds a suitable buyer for the Egyptian cotton. After all, I may be petty, but the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 always honors his debts! So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

wheelin' and dealin', pt. II

2005-08-18T20:58:00.001-04:00

***
CHAPTER II

Following Old Man Winter's frantic phone call, I directed Castle Haiku's staff to prepare the Haiku Plane for takeoff, and was Cairo-bound within the hour. Upon landing at Cairo International Airport, I cast about for a ride to the local Motel 6... and soon found one in the form of a slackjawed lad and his camel-powered buggy!

Cairo

"I know you!" the boy, Fuad, gasped as we trotted through the packed city streets. "You are a very famous American, yes?"

"Er, well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but yes, yes I am," I replied, truthfully.

"I knew it! Where have I seen you?"

"Well, I'm the internationally renowned crimefighter known as..."

"Yes, now I know! You are on that very funny show, how you do you say it, 'Kids in the Hall!'"

"'Kids in the Hall?'"

"Yes!"

"No..."

"Yes!"

"...it rings a bell, but..."

"Yes!"

"No, really, I'm..."

"Cabbage Head! Yes, you are the Cabbage Head! Ha ha ha, I knew it! You make me laugh so much on the television! Please -- please let me have your autograph!"

"Cabbage Head!? Why you-!!" I barked. "I'm The Haiku Master, fool, not some two-bit impersonator!"

"But..."

"But nothing! I've heard enough! That's my stop up there -- pull over!"

Fuad savagely forced the camel to halt, and I disembarked.

"Wait, wait mister, don't be angry," he begged. "It's just that you look so much like him!"

"Hmm. Well, I suppose it is a common enough mistake," I said as I paid the fare. "Nevertheless, the Sultan of Syllables doesn't take kindly to being compared to lame sketch comedy characters from Canada! Now good day, sir!"

Grabbing my bag, I headed to the Motel 6's front desk. After checking in, I asked the concierge to inform Old Man Winter of my arrival, then went up to my room to await his call. It didn't take long; I was only into my second glass of George Dickel: The Official Whisky of The Haiku Master when the room's phone started to ring.

George Dickel No's. 8 & 12: The Only Whisky Endorsed By The Haiku Master

"Haiku Master's room," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"Hey, Haiku Master! Haiku Master, it's me, Old Man Winter! How's it going?"

"It's going fine, but a busy man like me doesn't have time for pleasantries. Now what's going on with this Egyptian cotton deal?"

"Oh right, the cotton! Hey Haiku Master, listen, it's all under control! Minderbinder's here and he's ready to get down to business. We're gonna be rich, baby -- filthy, stinking rich!"

"Minderbinder? Who's this Minderbinder?"

"Oh, Milo -- he's the broker on this little transaction. Don't worry about him though, Haiku Master, he's cool. Me and him go way back."

"You're trying to tell me that someone named Milo Minderbinder is 'cool?'"

"Yeah, Haiku Master! You can trust me on this -- I haven't gone off my meds since February! Honest!"

"Well, as much as it pains me, I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. Where does 'Milo' want to do this? Your room? My room? The motel's lounge? Time's a-wastin', man!"

There was some muffled chatter from Old Man Winter's end. Seconds passed, and then: "Hey Haiku Master! Haiku Master, it's me, Old Man Winter! You still there?"

"Yes, I'm still here! And stop shouting, goddammit!"

"Okay, great! Listen, he says we're coming over there -- room 227, right?"

"Right, 227. Now hurry up. And bring your own booze for once, you mooching bastard!"

I set the receiver down and finished off my drink, wondering what kind of bad craziness would ensue once O.M.W. and this Minderbinder freak walked through the door. Little did I know I had nothing to worry about!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'' PT. III---

wheelin' and dealin', pt. I

2005-08-18T20:57:00.000-04:00

Click For Larger Image

***
CHAPTER I

It all began innocuously enough. There I was, lost in a study of the works of William Gaines from the comfort of Castle Haiku's stately library, when my butler -- the formerly diabolical Haiku-Bot* -- saw fit to disturb me.

The Haiku-Bot

"Excuse, me Mr. The Haiku Master," it said. "You, have a phone call."

"The devil you say!" I said with great flourish. I'd recently heard that phrase in a Nixon joke, and had been dying to use it ever since.

"Eh...no. It is not, the devil. It is, Mr. Old Man Winter. He would like, to speak with. You."

"Old Man Winter? That frostbitten old fraud?" I scoffed, returning to the leather-bound volume before me. "Tell him I'm busy."

"Begging, your pardon Mr. The Haiku Master but, upon registering the caller's identity my, giga-processors immediately calculated your likely reply and, already told Mr. Old Man Winter that you, are too. Busy. In response Mr., Old Man Winter said it is, urgent."

"Alright, alright! But if this turns out to be another one of his crank calls, you'll get no oil baths for a month, H.B.!"

"Understood Mr., The Haiku Master. I will patch him, through to the library's. Intercom."

The Haiku-Bot turned to leave, and within minutes the grating sound of Old Man Winter's voice filled the room.

"...ku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! It's me -- Old Man Winter! Can you hear me?!"

"Of course I can hear you! My highly attuned Haiku Master super-hearing can hear a fly crapping from 20 miles away! Now quit the small talk and cut to the chase!"

"A fly crapping from 20 miles away? Why in the hell would you want to hear that?"

It was a good question... but not one I was prepared to answer. "That's none of your business, Winter. Now tell me why you called!"

"Oh, right! Why I called! Hey listen, Haiku Master -- I got a line on a great opportunity! Egyptian cotton, baby! We're all gonna be rich!"

"Egyptian cotton? Stop babbling, man! You're not making any sense!"

"Look, I can't explain it over the phone; just get your ass to Cairo! You'll find me at the Motel Six. And bring a big suitcase, Haiku Master! You're gonna need it for all the moolah you're gonna make!"

Motel 6: The Only Motel Chain Endorsed By The Haiku Master

For reasons I still can't explain, I decided to take Old Man Winter up on his offer. Perhaps it was the surprise plug for Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master. Perhaps it was our shared love of strong American whiskey and fine Cuban tobacco. Either way, it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life, which is why I've added the following line to my personal "rules for living": When it comes to outstanding sources of financial advice, it's hard to beat rum-soaked bearded degenerates in green robes!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'' PT. II---

----------------------
* I got the "Geek Squad" at my local Best Buy to rewire him for domestic servitude following my tussle with the Church of Scientology. You people don't expect me to keep you up to date on everything I do, do you?

draft walken

2005-08-17T22:40:00.000-04:00

Mahalo, friends! It's me, The Haiku Master, with some bad news -- legendary thespian Christopher Walken isn't running for President after all, despite the recent appearance of a Walken 2008 website!

Yesterday, Walken decried the site -- www.walken2008.com -- as a hoax, and promised to utterly destroy the giggling twits who created it... as well as their family, friends and acquaintances! Not in so many words, but with a man like Walken, you have to read between the lines.

Regardless, I feel Mr. Walken is exactly the kind of leadership this country needs in such troubled times. To be honest, I don't know much about his political views, but I do know I like his movies. And that's good enough for me. Which is why I'm stealing a page from 2004's turbulent campaign, and announcing the immediate formation of the Draft Christopher Walken Foundation!

This Country Has A Fever, And The Only Prescription Is President Christopher Walken

More details to follow as they become available, but in the meantime, feel free to start sending me your presumably tax-deductible donations to Walken's war chest!

Best,

super exciting new endorsement deal

2005-08-16T21:11:00.000-04:00

Get ready to be thrilled, loyal readers, for I just signed a lucrative contract to be the celebrity crimefighter spokesperson for Yahoo!: The Official Internet "Search Engine" of The Haiku Master!

Yahoo!: The Only Internet "Search Engine" Endorsed By The Haiku Master

That's right -- the Cadillac of 'net surfboards and the Pharaoh of 5-7-5, teaming up to tame the wild frontier of the World Wide Web! Can you believe it?!

As to my reasons for giving my stamp of approval to Yahoo! as opposed to, say, Google, they are twofold. First and foremost, there's the large pile of cash that's going to keep Castle Haiku's pantries well-stocked with whiskey and snack cakes for some time to come. That alone carries some serious weight -- weight that Google wasn't willing to match!

Not to be overlooked, however, is the shockingly different ways in which both sites process a search for "The Haiku Master." At Google, I grew a beard scanning through all the pages it took until Haiku International showed up... but I sure got an eyeful of Basho and Buson listings in the meantime! Even some college kid's term paper on how to write a haiku! Talk about a lack of respect!

Yahoo!, on the other hand, has me on page 1, listing #6. Clearly, they have their priorities in order.

So take it from me, kids -- if you want to find something online without being led on a wild goose chase by a pack of incompetent boobs, put your trust in Yahoo!. I know I do, and I'm happier, healthier and sexier as a result! Yahoo!!

Best,

----------------------
P.S. Haiku International's Minister of Information just alerted me to the fact that Google actually owns this whole Blogger.com outfit, which means they might shut me down at any minute once this post goes live. If Haiku International disappears, please alert Sam Donaldson. And the UCLA!

yeah, i don't really know where that camp x-ray thing was going

2005-08-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

Err... hi there, friends. It's a rather sheepish The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight, because, well, I have a little confession to make.

Remember how I told you I didn't write to you for a month because I'd been incarcerated at Camp X-Ray? Um, that was kind of a lie. This photo from a couple weeks ago, that allegedly shows yours truly being escorted through Gitmo's fabled gates? Yeah. It's doctored.

Despite Looking Shockingly Real, This Photo Is In Fact A Fake

Truth is, I spent the time playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I didn't mean to spend more than a month away from the ol' "blog," but man, that game is addictive! So, sorry about blowing off you loyal readers, and even more sorry about the lying. But if it makes any difference, I did in fact beat the game, meting out harsh justice to Big Smoke, Tenpenny, Ryder and all the other scoundrels who had a hand in the untimely demise of Moms and Brian Johnson! Grove 4 Life! Grove 4 Life!!

GROVE 4 LIFE!!!

Oh, and there is one small nugget of truth for you to savor. Old Man Winter and I really did partner on a deal to purchase Egyptian cotton from a man named Milo Minderbinder, as detailed in Chapters I & II of the falsely titled "Summer at Camp X-Ray." The deal went through without a hitch, then me and O.M.W. partied on the beach with some middle-aged housewives. Here's photographic proof:

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter Make Time With Some Local Vixens At One Of Cairo's Many Fine Beaches

Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Okay for now, fan club members! Until next time, keep your ear to the ground and keep reaching for the stars!

Best,

----------------------
P.S. For the really slow amongst you, this means there will be no further chapters of "Summer at Camp X-Ray."

P.P.S. No, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 did not sample San Andreas' notorious "Hot Coffee mod." Not that he didn't try, but one apparently needs a degree in advanced rocket science to pull off that trick.

marino mania

2005-08-07T10:05:00.000-04:00

Hut-Hut-Hike, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, here to celebrate the biggest event of the year: once-and-future Miami Dolphins Quarterback Dan Marino's induction into the National Football League's Hall of Fame, taking place today, August 7, at 12:00 p.m. E.T.!!!

Dan Marino Quarterbacked The Miami Dolphins From 1983-2000, And Will Again In Valhalla

Being the Sultan of Syllables, I've written a haiku in honor of my close, personal friend's big day, and it goes something like this:

Thirteen on his chest
Foul mouth, rocket-launching arm
Danny's Canton-bound

There, that ought to coax a tear or two out of Ol' #13. But Haiku International's Marino Mania doesn't end there! We're also pleased to re-present the true details of an adventure Marino and I once shared, originally published on this site back on February 5; enjoy!

* * *

In The Haiku Master's experience, being "The Man" is almost always a bad thing. Who sends you bills? The Man. Who taxes your income? The Man. Who gets filthy rich while you never get enough? The Man. Who says it's illegal to fire off large caliber weapons in the privacy of one's apartment? The Man.

To which I say, "#%$@ The Man."

But Marino is one "The Man" with whom one does not want to #%$@.

I'll probably embarrass Danny by telling this story, but he and I once worked a case together. God, it was ages ago; 1988, I believe, and I was still but a Haiku Apprentice. Earth Command had asked the late Haiku Master Charles Bukowski (my sensei) and me -- along with Marino, Patty Hearst, Evel Knievel, and Chuck D -- to investigate a reported Nazi alien infestation on the Dark Side of the Moon.

Sure enough, Earth Command's suspicions were right on the nail. Seconds after our shuttle touched down on the moon's green cheese surface -- and having been there, I can assure you it is made of green cheese -- our hearty band of adventurers was confronted by a throng of goose-stepping, tentacled, interstellar foreigners!

The battle that ensued was mighty, and may have been my last had it not been for the strong arm and unerring accuracy of Marino. I fought well that day, my friends, and was finishing off one of the Nazi aliens with the Haikung Fu technique referred to as the Cleveland Steamer... but never noticed the alien Kapitän sneaking up behind me!

Fortunately, Marino did -- and rocketed a plutonium-core football at the bastard's head before it had time to remove my own with its plasma sword!

Needless to say, everyone in our group survived that bloody day, though the aliens did not. Which just goes to show: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit in the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't #%$@ around with Dan "The Man" Marino.

* * *

Thrilling stuff, huh? Well, you didn't think the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 was going to bust out something boring, did you? But enough jibber jabber -- time for me to fire up Castle Haiku's high-tech bank of Sony Trinitron plasma monitors before the gala spectacle begins. Sa-lute, Daniel Constantine Marino, Jr.! Sa-lute!

Best,

man, that is one tiny horn

2005-08-04T19:47:00.000-04:00

Hi folks. You're just in time -- for I, The Haiku Master, am about to blow your minds with a picture of what has got to be one of the tiniest horns in the world!

Hands Down, This Is The Tiniest Horn The Haiku Master Has Ever Seen

I mean, look at it! No bigger than a beer stein, yet the gentleman pictured above is playing it like there's no tomorrow! Can you believe it?!

Clearly, this is one for the record books. Time for me to split; I have to call some close, personal friends and clue them in to this amazing discovery!

Best,

back with a vengeance

2005-08-03T19:00:00.000-04:00

Face front, 'ku believers! It's really me, The Haiku Master -- back in action after far too long of a hiatus!

As always, I know what you're thinking. Why the long delay? Where has he been? And: Why didn't he bring me any presents!?

Well, allow me to assure you that the one true Sultan of Syllables wasn't taking it easy while you loyal readers awaited my next post with bated breath; far from it! I'll provide you with more details this weekend, but for now suffice it to say I've been the guest of a highly undesirable resort in Cuba... a little place our government likes to call Camp X-Ray!

U.S. Soldiers Escort The Haiku Master (Center) Over Camp X-Ray's Threshold

Okay for now, apples of my eye; time for your friend in 'ku to unpack and unwind. And by "unwind," I mean drink so much whiskey I poop my pants.

Best,

sorry i haven't written to you in awhile

2005-07-10T02:10:00.000-04:00

No, you're not seeing things -- it's me, The Haiku Master, dropping in to let you know I'm still alive!

Sorry about the two-week gap since my last post, but time really does fly when you're soaking up rays on the French Riviera. Or even America's famed Redneck Riviera, which is where I've been staying. To make matters worse -- for you -- I'm taking off again first thing in the morning, this time for a leisurely visit to beautiful Salt Lake City, Utah. Could life get any better?!

Frankly, no. Unfortunately, it means you'll have to go without my sparkling wit and wisdom for a bit longer. As I've said before, gentle readers, summers are for doing, not "blogging." Take it from me... The Haiku Master!

Best,