secret origin of the haiku master

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When I tell people I am a Master of Haiku, I'm often greeted with looks of disbelief. Some even call me a jerk, though they do so with their last earthly breaths.

Make no mistake; I do not call myself The Haiku Master lightly. And here, for the first time ever, is the secret origin of why that claim is mine and mine alone to make!

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Warning: This is pretty exciting stuff, so pregnant women, people with pacemakers, and the weak-minded should probably stop reading now.
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Abandoned by my biological parents at an early age, I was raised by a grizzled sailor and his wife, having been left on their doorstep one cold and stormy evening. They say I was an average-looking swaddling babe, save for an unruly mane of cabbage where one would normally have hair.

The Haiku Master Developed His Cabbage Hair And Preference For Smoking Jackets At An Early Age

My foster father, Pappy as I called him, was a kindly man, though horrid to behold as he had but one eye, the other having been lost in a bet years earlier. My impossibly thin foster mother, Olive, was far sterner than Pappy. But it was she who discerned the power of 'ku that dwelt within my earthly vessel, and sent me at age 7 to live with the monks of the Cobra Kai Haiku Temple in ancient Atlantis.

For the next 25 years I learned the innermost secrets of my order, and in fact became one of its greatest members, if not in the top half. Once my apprenticeship was complete, I was named the Haiku Master of Earth Sector 3814, which primarily covers the Baltimore-DC area of the United States. So I set forth as countless Haiku Masters had before me, and started sharing my haiku with the masses on June 6, 2003 (having taken a year off to "bum around" following my graduation).

But shortly after I took office, disaster struck -- the relatively upstart League of Limerickists launched a full scale attack against the ancient Cobra Kai Haiku Order! Within days our ranks had been diminished to no more than a score of Haiku Masters, where there had once been thousands.

We survivors rallied at the Cobra Kai Temple... only to find we had been betrayed by one of our own! This Judas, Haikunestro as he was known, had brought the Limerickists to our most sacrosanct sanctum, and as we entered, they attacked!

Fortunately, the Cobra Kai Temple had many defenses of its own, usable only by those with untarnished 'ku power. So it was that a handful of Haiku Masters laid waste to the League of Limerickists. But the cost was heavy, for of all the Haiku Masters, only I survived.*

There you have it -- proof positive that I am the one, true Haiku Master. So if anyone else tries to pass themself off as the same, you'll know they're lying.

Best,



* Despite some ugly rumors to the contrary, I did not achieve this feat by hiding in a broom closet.