the pitfalls of corporate sponsorship

Ten-hut, fellow danger-junkies! It's me, The Haiku Master, here to bring your attention to the unfortunate legal case of one of my fellow crimefighters, Omega the Unknown!

Ol' Omega's Up To His Neck In Legal Worries

As the more observant amongst you no doubt noticed, last week's minor site redesign also marked the introduction of an eye-catching new link directly below my profile. For the less observant amongst you, here it is again:

For the painfully unobservant amongst you, the message is this: Omega the Unknown was created in 1975 by Steve Gerber and Mary Skrenes. Meaning they created the comic book version of Omega, because the real Omega is of course a real dude -- take it from me, I've met him on numerous occassions.

Unfortunately for all involved, they created Omega while employed by Marvel Conglomerated Global Enterprises Inc., the infamous comics plantation founded by Spider-Man's scheming nephew. Which means the rights to Omega's comic book adventures are owned by Marvel, rather than Gerber, Skrenes, or even Omega. Which further means that Marvel can put out any kind of Omega comic it wants to, whether the creators and star agree to it or not!

For the past 25-some-odd years, this has been moot, as Marvel showed no interest in developing another Omega book since the original's cancellation (much to the out-of-work Omega's dismay, might I add). That changed in early May, when a hot-shot young novelist was announced as the writer of an all-new Omega series!

The problem? Omega, Gerber, and Skrenes aren't being consulted... nor will they share in any of the profits! To make matters worse, the story will bear no relation to Omega's true life adventures! And the cruelest cut of all? Some actor is playing Omega -- one who doesn't even look like the genuine article!!

All of which makes the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 wonder: why exactly is this brilliant new writer calling his series Omega the Unknown? I mean, if he can change everything else about the concept, can't he create a new title and character names, too?

At any rate, you can learn more about this debacle over at the Steve Gerblog. As for Omega, I've invited him to the big housewarming party I'm hosting here at Castle Haiku later today. Hopefully the combination of food, booze, and starlets will go a long way towards turning his current frown upside down.

Best,

well screw you too, south korea

Fair warning, 'ku believers -- I, The Haiku Master, am in the foulest of foul moods tonight! Why, you ask? Because South Korea has banned members of its Korea Baseball Organization from playing with cabbage on their heads (link goes to Reuters)!

Feeling Cool, Looking Cool: Doosan Bears Pitcher Park Myung-hwan Takes A Page From The Haiku Master's Playbook

Never before have I cared so much about an act of racial discrimination! Sure, the pitcher in this report was only wearing cabbage. But Mr., uh... Mr. Korean Leader Who Isn't Kim Jong-il would do well to remember that some of us can't take our cabbage off!

On a related note, however, putting iced cabbage on your head is indeed a fine method of beating the summer heat. Twenty minutes of chilling my noggin on a frozen block of H2O, and I'm cool as a cucumber all day long! Or cool as cabbage, as the case may be.

Okay for now; time for the Sultan of Syllables to whip off some angry letters to South Korea's president and the KBO's commissioner, whatever their names are. Racist bastards!

Best,

dig my new digs

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER VIII

Let's get this party started, fun-lovers! It's me, The Haiku Master, reporting from my brand-new, top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs... a little place I like to call Castle Haiku!

The Haiku Master Is Living Large At The Newly Acquired Castle Haiku

That's right, baby! Me, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5, right up there in the crimefighter big leagues as far as cool headquarters go! And is it ever decked out: ballroom, library, indoor pool, outdoor pool, gym, kennels, stables, billiards room, suits of armor, revolving fireplace, secret passageways, umpteen bedrooms and bathrooms -- even a chapel if I ever feel like getting religious!

Better still, I got it for a song! Turns out the previous owner is a notorious angel trumpet kingpin, and was recently arrested through the combined efforts of the DEA, ATF, and FTD. He won't get his day in court for months, but thanks to modern drug laws the feds were able to seize his property and auction it off almost immediately! Isn't that great?!

Okay for now, friends. As you can imagine, I've got a lot of unpacking to do, and it's not going to get done if I sit here typing all night. Oh, and the big housewarming party is set for this Saturday -- be sure to look for your personalized invitation in the mail, assuming you rate one!

Best,

it's fun to stay at the ymca

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER VII

Greetings, adventure seekers! It's me, The Haiku Master, just chilling at a Baltimore-area YMCA following my escape from the clutches of Scientology. And let me tell you, the "Y" isn't just a great place to stay when you're on the lam -- it's also a great place to meet exciting, on-the-go people!

The Haiku Master (Far Right) Hanging Out With His New Friends At The YMCA

That's right! Why, in the past day alone I've made the acquaintance of a police officer, a soldier, a construction worker, a motorcycle enthusiast, a cowboy, and a Native American Indian! Not to mention a wild-eyed morphine addict, a slovenly immigrant family, and more stumble-drunks than one could reasonably be expected to shake a stick at!

Talk about experiencing different cultures -- living here is like going to Epcot, only without the long lines! Unless you count the one outside the building's sole bathroom. Still, it's a pretty sweet deal!

Okay for now, friends; time for the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to join the aforementioned bathroom line. I don't really have to go right now, but by the time it'll be my turn, who knows?

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VIII---

free at last

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER VI

Rejoice, 'ku believers! It's me -- the real me -- The Haiku Master, back with an extremely important message: avoid the so-called "Church" of Scientology at all cost!! Your life and/or sanity may very well depend on it!

As for me, I just escaped from one of their fiendish "intensive auditing" camps. After a daring getaway, I returned to my top secret base of operations... only to find it compromised by a cheap robot version of yours truly! No trouble there, though. Stealing a page from ol' Captain Kirk's playbook, I busted out some spurious logic and totally fried the tin-plated bastard's brain in seconds flat!

The Haiku Master Learned How To Short-Circuit Robots By Watching Star Trek Reruns

Alas, even with the dastardly Haiku-Bot out of the picture, my longtime HQ is no longer secure. So I'm putting it up for sale, and am officially in the market for a new top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs! In the meantime, I'll be laying low at a safe house (read: room at an undisclosed YMCA--ed.). But don't worry: my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer is in my possession, so I'll be able to stay in touch while I'm "underground!"

Okay for now, fan club members -- time for the Sultan of Syllables to wolf down a sausage pizza and pint of whiskey before making his nightly patrol. Be sure to heed my warning about those kooky Scientologists! I'd hate to hear about any of you being replaced by low-rent 'droids with bad comma-use programs. You deserve better!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VII---
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P.S. Want to read what some former Scientologists have to say about Hubbard's cult? Visit www.xenu.net today!

P.P.S. Please disregard the last three posts, as they were all made or altered by the Haiku-Bot. I'd delete them, but crimefighting and haiku writing don't leave much free time for learning advanced computerology.

tom cruise is cool and he is my friend

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER V

Hello truth, seekers. I am, the Mr. Haiku Master and tonight I, want to tell you, about my close personal, friend Mr. World Famous Movie Star Tom Cruise.

The New, Improved Haiku Master And Matinee Idol Tom Cruise Wow Passers-by At A Scientology Center

Yes that, Mr. Tom Cruise. The star of The Firm Top, Gun Rain, Man Cocktail and many. Others. I the, Hero of Haiku will even, be the best, man when he marries my other close personal, friend Ms. Katie, Holmes. Take it from me they, hump like rabbits all the time and they, are like lust-crazed Olympian gods in the sack you, can believe that.

Also I, would like to say that Mr. Tom Cruise is the, coolest dude currently, on earth. He is, not as cool as Commodore, Hubbard of course but, he comes pretty. Close. You should go see, his new movie! It is, called War of the Worlds and, Mr. Tom Cruise fights aliens, in it something, he is very well prepared for.

You, should also see Ms. Katie, Holmes' new movie Batman, Begins. It is, about a man who eschews, the lies of psychiatry and, finds the super human, within. Just like me and, my friends in Scientology! That is why, we are so happy like, Mr. Batman!

Time, for me to go I have, a lot of crimefighting, to do tonight. Good thing, I have Scientology and, my friendship with, Mr. Tom Cruise to keep, me safe. You, should look into Scientology! You will, be so, happy you will not believe, it! Visit us at, www.scientology.org, today okay! That's what, I say! I am... the Mr. Haiku Master!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VI---

need an assist?

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER IV

Hello, there. It is me, Mr. The Haiku Master, here to help you feel, good about yourself. Me, and my friends at, the Church of Scientology.

The Haiku Master Hasn't Been Replaced By A Robot; He's Been Blessed With Metal Skin By Scientology!

Sorry if, my last post was, sloppy. I was, in a rush.

So, hey, do you, like my new look? My skin is now, made of metal, all thanks to Commodore Hubbard's amazing, teachings. I am, also, happier than I've ever, been before.

You could be, this happy too. You could even, get metal skin. If you join me, in studying Scientology that, is. Call, today!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. V---

scientology is evil double-plus good

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER III

Greetings friends, it is I, The Haiku Master -- bringing you a dire warning about the insidious Church of Scientology! and man, am I ever happy!

The Haiku Master's Scientology Caseworker, Mr. Sunshine: A Lying Sack Of Scientolo-shit

As it turns out, Scientology isn't a the greatest church of at all time... it's some kind of weird cult! Shocking, I know -- but all too real!! This revelation came to me earlier today, during my "auditing" session with my "caseworker," Mr. Sunshine. There I was, strapped to the E-meter, clear of "engrams" and moving on to "OTIII" -- and down a cool 100 grand I could ill-afford -- when the Sultan of Syllables had a mighty load of bullshit deposited upon him! -- when I realized Scientology truly was the road to success!

"So you're telling me," I said, stunned by what Sunshine had just said, "that the big secret behind Scientology involves nuclear bombs, volcano prisons in Hawaii, disembodied spirits from outer space, and an intergalactic overlord named Xenu?!"

"Ah-ah-ah-ah -- H-bombs," Sunshine admonished. "But uh, yeah. Outside of that, you pretty much got it."

"You son of a bitch!" I growled, incensed. "I've given you people tens of thousands of dollars, plus the credibility of my official endorsement, and this is thanks you give me? The hogwashing of a lifetime?!"

"It's no hogwash," Sunshine assured me. "It's all gospel truth, as laid out by Commodore Hubbard himself. Furthermore, your reaction is quite common. Why, many of our members become distressed when they first..."

"When they first what? When they first realize they've been ripped off?" I spat, fuming. "Put up your dukes, you...you...you hornswaggler! I'm gonna knock your #%@$ing teeth out!!"

"Oh?" said Sunshine, giggling. "Well, you could do that."

"You're damn right I could!"

"Of course you could! Then again, some of our friends in the press could find out about your predilection for rough man-on-man sex! How about that?"

"Rough man-on-man... what the hell are you talking about? I don't even have fantasies about convincing female sex changes, much less actual dudes! Now put up your dukes!"

"What?" Sunshine gasped, flipping through the large Rolodex on his desk. "Oh, sorry, I was looking at Travolta's file. Ah, here we go -- then perhaps the press could find out about your predilection for whiskey and snack cakes!"

"Hate to burst your bubble, but those hobbies are already well publicized."

"Damn it! Well, what about that embarrassing brass knuckle arrest, hmm? Wouldn't want that getting out, now would you?"

"You mean the one I bragged about on Letterman?"

"Christ almighty! Do you keep nothing secret about your personal life?!"

"Just one small thing, you blackguard -- the secret of my Haikung Fu!" I lunged forward with the Cobra Kai technique referred to as Miss Mary Mack, driven by the righteous fury of an enlightened mark! Sunshine proved to be no match, and was soon dangling out his office window, my hands 'round his sweaty ankles!

"Alright, Sunshine, here's a new belief system for you: either I get my money back, or you become street pizza du jour!" Sunshine gave up the combination to his office safe, and I was shortly on my way with every stolen cent accounted for... plus a little something extra for my grief!

So that's that as far as the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 and Scientology go, and not a moment too soon! It's just as well, for I've never been a fan of religion. Or opiates for that matter. But that's not the point. The point is, there's no organization on earth that can absorb me -- The Haiku Master!

Plus, Scientology taught me how to grow awesome metal skin, making me a better crimefighter than ever before! Isn't that Hubbard-iffic?!

The Haiku Master's Cool New Look Is All Thanks To The Church Of Scientology

Alrighty for now, rhyme fans! Time for the one true Hero of Haiku to hit the books! Be sure to visit www.scientology.org to learn more about this great religion!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. IV---

anyone have mesereau's number?

Well well well, gentle readers! It is a very humbled The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight... for against all odds, famed hippie attorney Thomas Mesereau, Jr. got former vaudeville star Michael Jackson acquited on all charges of drugging and molesting a cancer-stricken minor (link goes to China's Xinhua)!

Tom Mesereau, Jr.: Not A Doofus, Despite All Physical Evidence To The Contrary

I thought Jackson's goose was cooked for sure when he announced the hiring of this long-haired kook. After all, these are very conservative -- one might even say fascist -- times, and when you're standing in front of one of those newfangled Bush-appointed judges, the last thing you want by your side is some liberal lawyer who looks like he just rolled off Ken Kesey's "Furthur" bus.

Then again, any man who would willingly alter both his facial structure and skin tone is probably well ahead of the curve when it comes to the last thing you want.

Regardless, the results speak for themselves, and if I wore a hat, it would surely be doffed to Mesereau at this moment. In fact, now that he's proven himself to be a world-class celebrity attorney, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 shall put him on retainer post haste! As soon as H.I.'s Minister of Information tracks down his contact information, that is.

In the meantime, if you see Jackson, please give him the scorn he probably deserves. And if you have children, do not let him into your house! So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,

thank you, dr. hubbard

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER II

Shalom, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, still buzzing over my newfound belief in the Official Religion of High-Profile Celebrities, Scientology!

The Haiku Master Answers Tough Questions During A Rigorous E-Meter Session

I'm proving to be a real natural when it comes to digesting the church's tenets, and as a result, I've been flying through my "pre-clear" levels with the greatest of ease! In fact my case worker, Mr. Sunshine, tells me I should be free of "engrams" by next week, and ready to tackle the challenge of becoming of an "operating thetan" shortly thereafter!

Assuming I can afford to pay for the required coursework, that is. I may have to take out a mortgage on my top secret base of operations to do so, but I'm sure it'll be worth it!

After all, I'm now more malleable and willing to go with the flow than ever before -- important qualities in these overstressed times. Plus, I have an overwhelming sense of blissful dizziness that just can't be found at the bottom of a whiskey jug! Then there's the knowledge factor. For example, I now know that I've lived for 74 trillion years through countless incarnations, including one as an oft-attacked clam! Try finding that out from one of those other religions!

Okay for now; time for me to start on Commodore Hubbard's next lecture series. In the meantime, if you have any extra money lying around, why not donate it to Scientology? I'm sure they'll put it to good use.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. III---

i'm a believer

Click For Larger Image

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER I

Peace unto you, friends. Sorry about the nearly week-long gap since my last post, but I, The Haiku Master, just had a life-changing experience -- I've joined the one-and-only Church of Scientology!

The Haiku Master's Lord And Savior, L. Ron Hubbard

It was really only a matter of time before a noted crimefighter like yours truly teamed with the celebrity's religion of choice. Now, after a week of strenuous "auditing," I'm a member in good standing! That's right! Me, the Sultan of Syllables, rubbing shoulders with such luminaries as Chick Corea, Kirstie Alley, and Danny Masterson, not to mention Hollywood heavyweights Tom Cruise and John Travolta! Can you believe it?!

My one concern is the frantic rate at which my new spiritual leaders pass the collection plate. In fact, my petty cash reserves are bone dry after just five sessions with my "case worker!" Still and all, it seems to be well worth the cost; I've never felt more disoriented in my life! And that's coming from a man who once drank a gallon jug of Rebel Yell whiskey while riding the teacups at Disney World!

Okay for now -- I'm off to read L. Ron Hubbard's ecumenical treatise, Dianetics, in preparation for next week's coursework. Plenty of updates to come as my spiritual journey continues, I'm sure!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. II---

star wars, nothing but star wars

Hi, friends! It's me, The Haiku Master, back at my top secret base of operations after a belated matinee viewing of Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. And now that the, uh -- sectrilogy? -- is complete, I'm ready to give you something you've been demanding: Haiku International's Official Ranking of the Top 10 Events in Star Wars History!!!

You -- the weird kid in the back of the class. Be a doll and dim the lights, will you? Excellent. Okay, everybody ready? Then here we go:

#10: Han Solo jacks up the passenger fares for a pair of local yokels desperate to get off Tatooine. If you don't recognize an opportunity, you'll never take advantage of it. Han does both here.

A Worried Ben Kenobi Wonders Where He And Luke Will Get 17,000 Credits To Pay Off Captain Solo

#9: Han Solo chases a squad of Death Star Stormtroopers armed with nothing but his blaster and a big mouth. Sure, a trained Jedi could've done the same thing, but they have voodoo powers to keep them safe. Han just has what the French call "ze brass cahoneeze."

Better Run, Boys -- Crazy Han Solo's Coming!

#8: Han Solo punches Lando after his betrayal on Bespin. Han teaches the audience an important lesson in this scene: sometimes you have to take karma into your own hands.

Watch Out, Han -- Lando's Probably Going To Slap You In The Face, Moe Howard-Style, As Soon As You Look Up!

#7: Han Solo tells off Jabba the Hutt before the crime lord tries to feed him to the Sarlacc. Talk about taking the wind out of a villain's sails! It's hard to look tough when an unarmed blind man calls you a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth!

That's Right, Fatboy, Han Called You A Slimy Piece Of Worm-Ridden Filth -- And Then His Girlfriend Killed You!

#6: Han Solo takes potshots at his would-be future father-in-law at their first meeting. Really, who hasn't wanted to do this to a date's father from time to time? A guy like Han doesn't just have fantasies; he acts on them.

"She'll Be Back When I Feel Like Bringing Her Back, You Fascist Bastard!"

#5: Han Solo calls C-3P0 "Goldenrod." Ha ha. Suck it, you overly stiff robot!

Darth Vader Makes Uncool 'Droids

#4: Han Solo successfully navigates an asteroid field. The odds may have been 3,720-to-1, but that's no sweat to a smooth operator like Han -- full-speed ahead!

Giant Asteroids Are All In A Day's Work For Captain Solo And The Millennium Falcon

#3: Han Solo comes back in the nick of time to save Luke's ass at the Battle of Yavin. Yeah, yeah, Luke blows up the Death Star, but if Han hadn't taken out those last three TIE Fighters, Luke would've died, the Rebel Alliance would've been destroyed, and evil would've ruled forever. Who's the hero now, you blonde pseudo-Jedi!

Han Got The Glory And The Reward In Star Wars, While Luke Just Got The Glory

#2: Han Solo's girlfriend, Princess Leia, wears a metal slave bikini. Va-va-va-voom!

Jedi Gave Us Slave Leia; Sith Gave Us Pregnant Padmé

#1: Han Solo shoots Greedo in cold blood. 'Nuff said.

This Image Comes From A Bizarre Alternate Universe Where Greedo Shot First (Censored To Protect Readers' Sanity)

So there you have it -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5's take on the best-ever Star Wars moments! Some may disagree, but they are wrong. So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,

special anniversary issue

Break out the bubbly and get ready to party, 'ku believers -- you're looking at the milestone 100th "blog" post from me, the one, true The Haiku Master!!!

If The Haiku Master Had His Own Comic Book Series, This Is What The 100th Issue Would Look Like
(Click For Larger Image)

Can you believe it?! I hardly can, and I'm the one who did all the writing!

Now, before the technical-minded amongst you start counting lines and pointing fingers, it is true you'll see just 74 individual posts in the big 'ku archive. But remember -- my Epic Sagas were originally published as serialized chapters, so when you add them all up with this one, you get a big, fat 100!

I wish I had more time to bask in my latest triumph, but duty calls -- my neighbor's dog got stuck in a tree again, and the Sultan of Syllables is all that stands between it and a bad night's sleep. Wish me luck!

Best,

vengeance is mine

Well, well, well, well! If it's true that he who laughs last laughs best, than I -- The Haiku Master -- am he! Why, you ask? Because I just got the latest issue of NME,* and my former band, Masters of Mariachi, was voted worst new mariachi group of 2005 by that fine publication's savvy readers!!

Masters of Mariachi, Post-Haiku Master (From Left): Rudy, Paulo, Sanchez, Jesus, and Felipé

Talk about some sweet revenge! Just two-and-a-half months ago, that motley crew of cutthroats kicked the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 and his golden throat to the curb, in favor of my once-trusted agent Paulo's gravelly whine. Then they had the audacity to add a trumpet player, Felipé, knowing full well I can't stand the sound of brass in my mariachi!

But the big wheel of karma has spun firmly around now -- giving yours truly a dollar and the chance for a bonus spin! Take that, you Judases! Or is it Judi? Either way, I win!

Best,


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* New Mariachi Express. And yes, they do hold their annual readers poll very early in the year.