full moon fever

Well well well, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, bringing you news of a highly important legal precedent: "the moon" has been ruled a legal form of expression in the State of Maryland (link goes to MSNBC.com)!

A Lesson In Irony: Mac Tonight, While A Moon, Is Unable To Give Someone "The Moon"

And it's about damn time, might I add! Take it from me, loyal readers; few laughs in life are as heartfelt -- and inexpensive -- as those gained by shining a well-timed moon at a gaggle of local yokels from the passenger seat of a fast moving vehicle. Plus, as the gentleman in the news report demonstrates, a good moon's also the perfect capstone to a well-reasoned argument, leaving your opponent little option but to cede victory or discuss the matter further with your buttocks.

Okay, li'l dumplings, I have to split -- there's chatter on the police wire about a gang of black market giraffe dealers operating out of a seemingly abandoned warehouse down by the docks. Frankly, if that's not a job for the Sultan of Syllables, I don't know what is.

Best,

what do you mean, 'that's illegal'?

Hello. Yes it's me, The Haiku Master. And guess what? No really, go ahead and guess. No guesses? Okay, I'll tell you: 'Twould appear it's against the law to forcibly hold and interrogate trespassers in the ass-backwards State of Maryland!!!

After Allowing Him To Change Into Civilian Threads, A Cop Takes The Haiku Master (Left) To Jail

That's right! In fact, I just got back from a trip to the county courthouse, on account of a few complaints filed against yours truly by the vagabond tenants of the Helping Hands Halfway House! The nerve of those blackguards -- sneaking around, rifling through my trash, defecating in my yard! And I'm the one who gets arrested?! Ricidiculous! Preposterous!! Unthinkable!!!

Unfathomable!!!!!

Gotta go, 'ku believers; time for the Sultan of Syllables to whip up a grade-A trap for those rats next door. And by rats, I mean the bums living in the halfway house. Just so there's no confusion.

Best,

accept no substitutes

Hi there, fan club members. It's me, The Haiku Master, still safely ensconced in Castle Haiku's bomb shelter following CNN.com's nationwide forecast of "death and destruction!"

Castle Haiku

The Haiku-Bot's also here, and we've been passing time with the home edition of "Tic Tac Dough." Before we get into our next white-knuckle match, though, I wanted to assure my loyal readers that we at the real Haiku International have nothing to do with this two-bit knockoff site, the so-called "Haiku International Blog."

More importantly, this is most certainly not me, despite the page's assurances to the contrary!

Needless to say, my high-powered celebrity lawyer of choice, Tom Mesereau, Jr., will be dealing with that gimp shortly. I just wanted to get the word out now to avoid any confusion amongst you good people.

Best,

well screw you too, south korea

Fair warning, 'ku believers -- I, The Haiku Master, am in the foulest of foul moods tonight! Why, you ask? Because South Korea has banned members of its Korea Baseball Organization from playing with cabbage on their heads (link goes to Reuters)!

Feeling Cool, Looking Cool: Doosan Bears Pitcher Park Myung-hwan Takes A Page From The Haiku Master's Playbook

Never before have I cared so much about an act of racial discrimination! Sure, the pitcher in this report was only wearing cabbage. But Mr., uh... Mr. Korean Leader Who Isn't Kim Jong-il would do well to remember that some of us can't take our cabbage off!

On a related note, however, putting iced cabbage on your head is indeed a fine method of beating the summer heat. Twenty minutes of chilling my noggin on a frozen block of H2O, and I'm cool as a cucumber all day long! Or cool as cabbage, as the case may be.

Okay for now; time for the Sultan of Syllables to whip off some angry letters to South Korea's president and the KBO's commissioner, whatever their names are. Racist bastards!

Best,

anyone have mesereau's number?

Well well well, gentle readers! It is a very humbled The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight... for against all odds, famed hippie attorney Thomas Mesereau, Jr. got former vaudeville star Michael Jackson acquited on all charges of drugging and molesting a cancer-stricken minor (link goes to China's Xinhua)!

Tom Mesereau, Jr.: Not A Doofus, Despite All Physical Evidence To The Contrary

I thought Jackson's goose was cooked for sure when he announced the hiring of this long-haired kook. After all, these are very conservative -- one might even say fascist -- times, and when you're standing in front of one of those newfangled Bush-appointed judges, the last thing you want by your side is some liberal lawyer who looks like he just rolled off Ken Kesey's "Furthur" bus.

Then again, any man who would willingly alter both his facial structure and skin tone is probably well ahead of the curve when it comes to the last thing you want.

Regardless, the results speak for themselves, and if I wore a hat, it would surely be doffed to Mesereau at this moment. In fact, now that he's proven himself to be a world-class celebrity attorney, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 shall put him on retainer post haste! As soon as H.I.'s Minister of Information tracks down his contact information, that is.

In the meantime, if you see Jackson, please give him the scorn he probably deserves. And if you have children, do not let him into your house! So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,

clarence worley can grope anyone he damn well pleases

Greetings, fan club members. It's me, The Haiku Master, reporting from a world that tipped a little further into madness today -- for accomplished thespian Christian Slater has been charged with sexual abuse, all for groping a lush feminine behind while in a drunken stupor (link goes to Reuters)!

From Left: Christian Slater Gropes A Rightfully Appreciative Patricia Arquette On The Set Of True Romance

That's right! The star of True Romance, Heathers, and uh, hmmm, yes, and uh... and many other fine films, branded a criminal over some garden-variety drunk guy behavior! Unfathomable! I mean, such noted celebs as Bill Cosby, Marv Albert, Rick James, Liza Minelli, Bill Clinton, Fatty Arbuckle, and countless more have based their entire careers on such antics, and you don't see them facing legal action!

What's that? Really? Even Arbuckle? You don't say...

Friends, Haiku International's Minister of Information just informed me that all of the above have in fact faced legal action over such antics. But that's not even the point. The point is, Slater played Clarence Worley, which means Slater can do just about anything he wants.

Case. Closed.

Okay for now, kids. Time for me to suit up for my nightly patrol of Charm City -- all that crime isn't going to fight itself, that's for sure!

Best,


----------------------
P.S. Needless to say, Slater can grope all the asses he wants in Baltimore, without fear of reprisal from the Sultan of Syllables. A drunken goose is no crime in my book!

f for freedom

Most triumphant news, freedom lovers -- Chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer has left his Japanese detention center and is on a plane to Iceland as I, The Haiku Master, type these words!!!

Ring The Bell -- Grandmaster Bobby Fischer Just Schooled The Tyrannical Bush Administration At International Chess!

Mark this day in your calendars, friends, for it is one your descendants will long sing songs about as they sit 'round the trashcan fires necessitated by the future devastation of the ever-deepening peak oil crisis!

Speaking of which, I wish I could tell you about the time I went to the future in a failed attempt to evade paying taxes, but certain legal entanglements prevent me from doing so.

Best,


----------------------
P.S. -- Not to worry, a complete Texas wrap-up is still on the way. Give a Haiku Master a couple of days to unwind, for Christ's sake!

P.P.S. -- For additional Haiku International coverage of the Grandmaster's legal problems, click here and here.

grandmaster update: iceland's knight to king bobby's bacon

Mahalo, loyal readers. It's me, The Haiku Master, surfacing from my current adventures in Texas with an exciting chess update: Iceland has agreed to grant full citizenship to Chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer, thereby enabling him to avoid U.S. "justice" (link goes to the Philadelphia Enquirer).

Thanks To Iceland, The Deadly Gamesman May Be Free By The End Of Next Week

I wish I had more time to expound on this victorious news, but Masters of Mariachi is due at Hyde Park's Fresh-Plus in 20 minutes, so I've got to go.

Best,


----------------------
P.S. Please ignore the post Paulo made prior to this one. I'd delete it if I could, but my area of wizardry lies in the twin realms of haiku and crimefighting, not computering. Suffice it to say Paulo is lying scum, and will be dealt with shortly after MoM takes top prize at SXSW.

god save bobby fischer

Raise the roof, gentle readers, for the deal went down earlier today: those bastards in Japan proved just how long America's money leash is by agreeing to deport Chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer to the U.S. for prosecution (link goes to BBC News)!

And I, The Haiku Master, do hereby call "bullshit" on that spineless decision.

Hero To Hunted: Bobby Fischer, Then And Now

First and foremost, the Grandmaster's only crime (outside of his vicious, self-loathing anti-Semitism, which I can't endorse, and overall craziness, which I'll gladly endorse) is playing a game of chess. That's right -- Uncle Sam wants to put a Chess Grandmaster in prison for playing chess. The historic '92 Fischer-Spassky Match, no less. What made the match criminal in the eyes of The Man is the fact that it was played in Yugoslavia to the tune of $3 million... thereby technically breaking a then-U.S. trade embargo against a country that doesn't even exist anymore.

For this, Fischer faces a $250,000 fine and/or 10 years in prison. At the age of 62, mind you.

Seems pretty silly, no? Some gratitude for a man who was his own 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team when he whipped the living shit out of Boris Spassky during their first first meeting in '72, bringing the World Championship Title in Chess back to the U.S. after decades of Soviet control. Chess still meant something back then, and Fischer was rightly hailed as a national hero. Thirty years later, against the same opponent, in the same general part of the world, and he's labeled a blackguard of the worst sort.

Fischer (Right) Was Hailed As A National Hero For Beating The Weirdly Bouffanted Spassky (Left) In 1972

What makes the plot even thicker is that George H.W. Bush was President at the time of Fischer's alleged transgression. For the next eight years, the Justice Department gave exactly two turds as to the location of the Grandmaster. Fast forward to 2001 -- the year George "Dubya" Bush stepped into office -- and "Searching for Bobby Fischer" suddenly becomes a top priority.

Because, you know, with corporate crime all but wiped out in America, might as well shift resources towards putting a 62-year-old man in prison. For playing chess.

Could it be the '92 match embarrassed the elder Bush? Did he take it as a personal slight? Did Dubya's administration go after Fischer to avenge his daddy's honor, the way he did with Saddam Hussein, Tommy Chong, and Johnny Carson?

Hmm? Hmmmmm? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

Is Some Kind Of Twisted G.W.B. Daddy-Revenge Fantasy Driving The Federal Government's Zeal To Put Fischer In Jail?

Honestly, I wouldn't know, as I'm more of a crimefighter and haiku writer than political expert. But I do know bullshit when I smell it. Write your congressmen, 'ku believers; this situation must not stand!

Best,


----------------------
UPDATE: Here's a couple of swell sites where you can learn more about the rise and fall of Grandmaster Fischer: his Wikipedia listing, and BobbyFischer.net -- a privately maintained forum devoted to all things Fischer, up to and including detailed diagrams of his matches.

world of the dogs, pt. II

***
CHAPTER II

"I said 'get,' ape!" the last dog repeated, waving his paws at me. "Am-scray!"

"All right, that's just about enough of...," I started.

"Sweet mother of Marmaduke!" another dog barked, clearly shocked. "It spoke! The hairless ape spoke!"

"Of course I spoke. Speak. You know -- talk. But look, that's not even the point! What the hell do you dogs think you're doing in my--!"

"Get him, boys!," the biggest of the dogs shouted. "Doctor Poindexter'll pay through the snout for a freak of nature like this!"

In an instant, the pack was on me! I'd be lying if I said I didn't put up a good fight -- Cobra Kai Haikung Fu is nothing to sneeze at, after all -- but in the end their sheer numbers won the day. And as if being bested in battle wasn't bad enough, their teeth and claws made short order of my fine crimefighter garb, leaving me in naught but my socks, Ziggy boxer shorts, and Vans: The Official Sneaker Of The Haiku Master!

Vans: The Only Sneaker Endorsed By The Haiku Master

After tying a leash -- a leash!! -- 'round my neck, my attackers hussled me out to a dog-sized jalopy parked on the street outside. Me, the one true Sultan of Syllables! Can you believe it?!

"You'll never get away with this!" I said. "If nothing else, my attorney Johnnie Cochran will sue you for everything you're worth!"

"Shut yer meat hole, freak," my leash-handler growled back, "or we'll muzzle it!"

"De-yuh, where we gonna put him, Rover?" asked one of the smaller dogs. "He's too big to fit inside the car."

"Catland, I don't know," Rover replied as he opened the driver's side door and slid behind the wheel. "Throw it in the trunk."

In the trunk I went, and we were soon headed towards whatever mind-bending situation awaited me next. One thing was clear -- I was either suffering from a serious case of alcohol poisoning, or had somehow wound up on some bizarre parallel universe that had truly gone to the dogs!!!

If it's the former, I will of course need immediate medical attention.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WORLD OF THE DOGS' PT. III---

sorry mr. disney

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER VI

Greetings, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, feeling a little sheepish about a rather embarrassing series of events that occurred today.

It all started innocuously enough. After announcing victory in our legal case against the State of Florida, Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and I decided to celebrate by taking a V.I.P. Tour of Disney World.

The Press Conference Done, H.M., Johnnie, And Paulo Took A V.I.P. Tour Of Disney World

If you've never been on a Disney V.I.P. Tour, I highly recommend doing so at your earliest convenience. Not only do you get a staff of slackjawed peons to see to your every need, but they also let you drink liquor -- a strict "no-no" for the little people!

At any rate, with the free drinks flowing like wine, it wasn't long before Paulo and I were pretty damn wasted...despite having "gobbled" down six turkey legs each in Frontier Land! Feeling no pain nor common sense, we found ourselves in front of the World's Greatest Theme Park Ride -- Pirates of the Caribbean -- and that's when everything starts to get kind of hazy.

Johnnie Cochran Decided To Wait Outside While Paulo And The Haiku Master Enjoyed The Greatest Theme Park Ride On Earth

"Yesh!!" I cried, startling a picture-taking Korean family. "Thash mah dawg! Thash -- HIC! -- mah dawg! C'mon, you scurvy bilge monkeys! Allferoneanoneferall!!"

I don't really remember what happened after that point, but I do know that Johnnie waited outside to sign autographs while Paulo and I went in. I also recall going through the ride multiple times, perhaps as many as 12. Then...

Climbing out of our boat...

Dismantling a couple of animatronic pirates, taking their clothes...

Not knowing all the words to the song, ride patrons noticing...

Violently boarding one boat, setting fire to another...

Paulo vomiting into a lady's purse, me asking for her number...

Scuffling with security guards, Johnnie cursing at us...

H.M. And Paulo Mistakenly Thought They Could Mingle With The Animatronic Pirates Without Being Noticed By Disney Security

Next thing I know, Paulo and I were being shoved out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

"Never disrespect The Mouse, híbrido!" he shouted as the car pulled away. I looked around, and saw we were in front of the Orlando International Greyhound Station. Moreover, we each had a bus ticket in our back pocket -- mine for Baltimore, and Paulo's for Mexico.

"Well, I guess this is it for now, 'com-pad-ray,'" I said, shaking Paulo's hand. "Give me a call once you get back home, and we'll go over some new expansion strategies for the CCCP-US...Commissioner Paulo!!"

"Sí, Hombre muy Extraño," Paulo said sagely. "Adíos."

So remember, kids: remain inside your ride vehicle at all times while at Disney World. Otherwise, you might find yourself being thrown out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

I assure you, this is not something you want.

Best,

v for victory

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER V

Aloha and Mahalo, gentle readers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, reporting from Orlando, FL with most excellent news: CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo has been cleared of all charges, and is a free man as I type these words into my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer!

From Left: The Haiku Master, Johnnie Cochran, And CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo Declare Victory At A Press Conference Near Lenin's Statue In Disney World
(Click For Larger Image)

Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and myself just made the official announcement via a nationally televised press conference from the base of Lenin's Statue in Disney World, and I couldn't be happier...both for the Commish and myself, as my bench warrant has been dropped, too! God bless the U.S. legal system!

As always, grasshoppers, I know what you're thinking: "But Haiku Master -- things looked so bleak! Your plans for a 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament charity fundraiser had fallen through!! How did this miracle come to pass?!?"

Okay, okay! The Sultan of Syllables will provide you with the answers you seek, but only if you first achieve a calmer state of being! I don't want anyone wetting themselves as they read the dangerously lurid details that lie ahead!

I was at my top secret base of operations last night, washing my eyes for the 36th time after being tricked into witnessing the horror that is Tubgirl,* when the phone rang.

"Haiku Master residence," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"H.M.! It's me, Johnnie!"

"Johnny Ramone? I thought you were dead!"

"No, not Johnny, Johnnie -- Johnnie Cochran, your attorney!"

"Oh, Johnnie! Why didn't you say so!"

"I did, you--! Look, never mind that. I've got big news, son! Big news!"

"Well, lay it on me!"

Lay it on me he did, revealing that the judge in the case, the Honorable Melvin J. Snobglass XIII, was an old golfing buddy of his, and had agreed to throw out the charges on one condition.

"Oh?" I said, warily. "And what might that one condition be?"

"That you star in an anti-cockfighting ad campaign being produced by Mel's Rotary club."

"Gah! The Rotarians! Those fiends?! Nothing doing!"

"Well, it's either that or Paulo rots in jail and you get arrested the next time you set foot in Florida."

"But...but...that would mean no more MTV Spring Break guest appearances!"

"Your choice, H.M."

"Fine! Fine, I'll do it! But I want it noted that I'm doing so under extreme duress!"

"Duly noted. I'll see you in an hour."

True to his word, Johnnie soon picked me up in his diamond-encrusted private helicopter, and we flew south to collect Paulo and announce the good news. Though I'm still not comfortable with the following ad, considering the source of its funding:

Just Say "No" To Cockfighting, Kids

Ah, well. I'm just glad this whole nasty episode is behind us, so Paulo and I can get back to the important business of CCCP-US expansion.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. VI---
----------------------
* Seriously, Shelton -- watch your back.

what do you mean i need a reservation?

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER IV

Hi there, folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm afraid I have some heartbreaking news: the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament won't be taking place this weekend after all!

The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament Has Been Cancelled

That's right -- no show, which means no "di-ner-o" flowing into the Free Paulo Fund. Which further means that the CCCP-US's first commissioner is going to have to cool his horses in prison just a wee bit longer.

How did this catastrophe come to pass, you ask? Two words: The Man (and I'm not talking about my close, personal friend Dan Marino).

With the event originally scheduled for Sunday, I'd taken a crew of "will work for food" types down to Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium early this morning to set things up. But no sooner had we started waxing down the stage than we found ourselves surrounded by a squad of tough-talking security guards.

One Trip To The Local Homeless Shelter Netted The Haiku Master A Swarthy Set-Up Crew For The Big Event

"What the hell do you guys think you're doing?" their leader asked, smacking a billyclub into his open left palm.

"What does it look like we're doing?" I retorted smartly. "Getting ready for tomorrow's big show, of course!"

"What big show? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hello?!," I said, waving a flyer in his face. "The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament! What, do you live in a cave or something?"

"Look pal, I ain't got nothing about no breakdancing tournaments on my schedule," he said. "You guys are going to have to leave, or I'm calling the cops."

Long story short, turns out M&T Bank Stadium works on some kind of totalitarian reservation system...even for high-profile celebrity crimefighters like the one true Sultan of Syllables!

Not wanting to risk extradition to Florida, I ceded victory to my opponent. After returning my crew from whence I found them, I drove back to my to my top secret base of operations to ponder a "Plan B" for busting Paulo out of jail. Which will probably involve the Cobra Kai Haiku Order's devastating weapon of last resort: good old-fashioned violence. Either way, I'll keep you posted.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. V---

1st annual the haiku master's celebrity breakdancing tournament update

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER III

Excelsior, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with exciting news regarding the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament!

Don't Miss The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament, This Sunday At Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium

As reported yesterday, Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav are already locked as celebrity competitors, and I've secured four key cast members from Breakin' to judge the event. Plus, yours truly will serve as host and emcee. That's right! "MC Haiku Master!" Can you believe it?!

Now -- as if the above weren't exciting enough! -- I'm pleased to announce that deals have finally been reached with Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, and Flaming Carrot! Moreover, you'll bear witness to Harry Dean Stanton, Marky Ramone, Shaquille O'Neal, Hank Williams III, Pamela Anderson, and Tony Millionaire strutting their stuff on the cardboard mat!!! Could this deal get any sweeter?!

A Galaxy Of Stars Awaits At The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament

In a word -- yes! If you have heart problems, don't read any further...for there will also be a number of V.I.P. Crimefighters in attendance!!! Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain, Captain Walrus, Haiku Girl, Fat Albert, Ralph Nader, Santo, Blue Demon, and many others will be on hand to meet fans and take advantage of the V.I.P. Open Bar, so be sure to bring your autograph books!

My one disappointment is that Harrison Ford won't be able to attend...though a certain "Jethro the Bus Driver" will, if you catch my drift. Regardless, I'm sure we'll raise more than enough money to make mine and CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo's legal problems disappear for good.

Okay for now, loyal readers. The big event is scheduled to start at 11:00 a.m. E.S.T. this Sunday at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium, so the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has a lot to do before then -- hope to see you there!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. IV---

hold on paulo, help is on the way

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER II

Greetings, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with an update on my trusted agent, CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo, who's currently incarcerated in a Florida prison!

First and foremost, as you can see from this picture he's already making friends; that's his "a-mi-go" Alvarez on the left, and Guerra on the right. Paulo told me they're going to "slice up some crackers" tonight. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds downright tasty!

Los Tres Amigos

Better still, I've figured out a surefire way of putting our shared legal troubles behind us forever. That's right -- I'm hosting the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium this weekend, with all proceeds going to the Free Paulo Fund!

And when I say "celebrity," I mean celebrity! So far, I have solid commitments from my old allies Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav, and such star-studded names as Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Harrison Ford, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, Emmanuel Lewis, Flaming Carrot, and others are in the works. Can you say "drawing power," loyal readers? The Sultan of Syllables sure can!

My one regret is that my close, personal friend -- and world-renowned breakdancing expert -- Pope John Paul II won't be able to judge the competition, due to his ongoing health problems.

The Deuce (as his close, personal friends call him) once allowed me to sit in on a rather rigorous session at his top secret breakdancing dojo in Vatican City, and I was awed by his sublime knowledge of that ancient art. A true Yoda of the cardboard mat! Had he been available, he would've been the only judge required. As it is, I'm running with a four-person panel consisting of Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones, Michael Chambers, and Ice-T.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Regardless, I think it's going to be a huge success, and should easily raise enough money to get Paulo and myself off the hook as far as this whole cockfighting debacle goes. Wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll honor the Commish by keeping Johnny Paycheck's "Colorado Cool-Aid" in heavy rotation on my turntable.

Oh, and if you're looking for tickets to the big show -- and who wouldn't be? -- they're a very affordable, very non-refundable $50 each, with checks being made payable to my Minister of Information, Nate Shelton. Drop me a line at thehaikumaster@earthlink.net to order!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. III---

anyone know a good florida-based attorney?

Click For Larger Image

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER I

Ooooh boy. Hi friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, and there is an extreme cloud of guilt hanging o'er my brow tonight.

As longtime fans and anyone who watches the evening news will remember, I undertook an epic journey through darkest Mexico back in early February. While there, I made a new ally in a local cockfighting* expert by the name of Paulo; a swarthy fellow of few words who now serves as one of my most trusted agents.

Paulo, Agent Of Haiku

Thanks to Paulo, my time in that savage land included three weeks on its championship cockfighting circuit -- an eye-opening experience, to say the least. After witnessing firsthand the tequila-esque popularity enjoyed by the Sport of Kings in Mexico, I decided it was high time to introduce that beloved pastime to my own country.

Unfortunately, it would appear The Man beat me to it, as cockfighting is currently outlawed in forty-eight states. Forty-eight!

Undaunted, I had my attorney, Johnnie Cochran, draft the necessary paperwork to bring the Confederation of Championship Cockfighting Professionals - United States into legal existence. One phone call to Paulo later and the CCCP-US had its first Commissioner, who quickly went about setting up franchises in Louisiana and New Mexico.

This Ad Was Part Of A Full-Scale Media Blitz Announcing The Arrival Of The CCCP-US In New Mexico And Louisiana
(Click For Larger Image)

The cockfighting-friendly states secured, Paulo and I decided to tackle Florida, as it struck us as being one of a handful of localities that might reconsider their backwards thinking on the subject. If I'd only known then what I know now...

There's no easy way around this, loyal readers, so I'm just going to come right out and say it: as a direct result of our ill-advised expansion strategy, Paulo has been jailed (link goes to Florida's "News 6")!

That's right. Brave, loyal Paulo, rotting away in some godforsaken prison. Which, from what he tells me, is partially submerged in three feet of swamp water and infested with crocodiles. Naturally, I feel horrible about this...but not so horrible as to set foot in the state of Florida until the ridiculous bench warrant they've issued for me has been cleared up.

To make matters worse, Johnnie tells me he's not licensed to practice law down there. So if anyone can recommend a good Mickey State lawyer, they'll have the undying thanks of Paulo and the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 alike.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. II---
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* Get your minds out of the gutters. I'm talking about the Sport of Kings, not some weird sex thing.

P.S. Talk about adding insult to injury -- my Minister of Information just sent word that New Mexico's House of Representatives has passed a ban on cockfighting by a 50-15 margin! Hopefully, my well-paid "friends" in New Mexico's Senate will stay true to their word (links go to various high-profile news outlets).

stop the madness

Greetings, friends. I, The Haiku Master, was doing my daily sweep of the world's major news outlets when I came across this troubling report: the case of a Pennsylvania judge who faces fines, dishonor, and public embarrassment, all for trying to execute his god-given right to be armed (link goes to NY Newsday).

Have we become such a society of milquetoasts and old ladies so as to no longer trust its upstanding members with small defenses like keychain pocket knives? (Or, for that matter, brass knuckles, as my Minister of Information discovered when he was arrested at Maryland's BWI airport in January 2003?) Observe the weapon in the Judge's case:

Good For Opening Cellophane Packages And Filing One's Nails, The Swiss Army Keychain Knife Is NOT Suitable For Hijacking Airplanes

Being intimately familiar with a broad range of weaponry, I can assure you that a Swiss Army Keychain Pocket Knife is perfect for:

• Opening small cellophane packages;

• Cleaning one's teeth after lunch;

• Pulling splinters from a lion's paw, so as to better befriend it;

• Filing fingernails; and

• Giving haircuts to midgets.

Note the distinct lack of "hijacking airplanes" on the above list, due to the fact that the knive's biggest blade is an inch-long piece of flimsy steel that can be easily snapped by a rambunctious child. Any adult who gets mugged by one -- much less plane-jacked -- really has no choice but to commit immediate seppuhaiku so as to avoid further embarrassment. Just don't try it with your attacker's weapon, as that would take all day.

So, in retaliation to this and other draconian decisions on the part of the TSA (Shelton's ignomious brass knuckle arrest included), I think it's high time for a Million Human Dumb Weapon Flight Day.

Under this grand scheme, any adult with a fetish for small knives, brass knuckles, nunchuks, throwing stars, electric joy buzzers, peashooters, and the like would descend on airports nationwide, demanding tickets and refusing to lay down our arms 'til served. Ahh, now that would be glorious!

Hopefully someone can get the ball rolling on this, 'cause I'm more of an idea man than a "do" man.

Best,



P.S. Despite being wronged, the Judge still needs to find a better class of friends. What kind of ally gives a cheap-ass Swiss Army Keychain Pocket Knife as a gift?

shortest adventure ever

Hi there, 'ku believers. It's me, The Haiku Master -- already back in town following the events of the shortest adventure I've ever undertaken, "Deranged Scion of the Lost City."

But don't let its stumpy stature fool you; you wouldn't judge Yoda by his size, would you? Due to certain legal entanglements, though, I'm not allowed to discuss what happened. At least, not right now.

So, in the meantime, back to the usual dumb.

Best,