just like old times

Welcome back, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, just returned from a trip to the local Piggly Wiggly, and you'll never guess who I ran into -- my sometime ally and sometime foe, Old Man Winter!

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter (Right) Both Love Shopping At Piggly Wiggly

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master!" he shouted as we crossed paths in the dairy aisle. "It's me Haiku Master, Old Man Winter! Remember me?"

"Of course I remember you!" I replied, clapping him gladly on the shoulder. "How've you been, old soul?"

"Eh, as well as can be expected. You know, what with me being old and all. But hey, Haiku Master! My name's not Old Soul! It's Old Man Winter!"

"Yes, of course it is. So, anything new?"

"Yeah, there sure is -- I got married, Haiku Master! Whaddya think of that?"

"That's fantastic! Is the blushing bride here?"

"Nah."

"Oh, at home then?"

"Nah."

"Uh... alright then. Where is she?"

"Oh, she's dead. I froze her to death, Haiku Master! I froze my little buttercup right to death!"

"That... that's tragic, man! I don't know what to say."

"Eh, don't worry about it. I'd gone off my meds for a bit, and you know how I get when I'm off my meds."

"Don't I ever."

"Well okay, Haiku Master! It was good seeing you!"

"Likewise, old friend."

"No, Haiku Master, you got it all wrong again! It's Old Man Winter! See? Old Man Winter!"

"Right you are. Don't be a stranger now, hear?"

"You betcha, Haiku Master! Catch you later!"

Old Man Winter walked off, leaving me to finish my shopping. Sure was nice seeing the guy. Too bad about his wife, but then, any woman who marries Old Man Winter kind of gets what she has coming.

Best,

happy cinco de mayo

Greetings, 'ku believers! No, you're not hallucinating again -- it's really me, The Haiku Master, writing from my top secret base of operations atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain to wish you a drunkenly happy Cinco de Mayo!!!

That's right! Don't expect this to become a habit, though. See, ever since leaving Baltimore I've been living with a bunch of monks, which is about as much fun as it sounds. Talk about uptight; they even have a whacko "code of silence," and force me to abide by it too. All of which leaves very little excitement with which to regale you. And like it says on my business card, "If I can't excite, I ain't gonna write."

From Left: Brother Lo, Brother Ko, The Haiku Master, Brother Po, Brother Ho, And Brother Mo

But seeing as Cinco de Mayo is the Sultan of Syllables' all-time favorite holiday, I decided to liven things up by slipping tequila into the monastery's drinking water... and brother, was it ever worth it! The whole crew is talking up a storm, and some of 'em even got into fistfights. Plus, I'm pretty sure Brother Lo is suffering from a bad case of alcohol poisoning as we speak! Talk about a fiesta!

Too bad my old sidekick Paulo can't be here to give it that authentic Mexican flair. Or Santo and Blue Demon, for that matter. Truth be told I miss all of the old crew: Paulo, the Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, Angelina Jolie, Professor de la Groove... heck, even slick Texas Kelly and his weird Bush clone, Dubya. But alas, those days are gone. I'll keep sending you Friday Haiku though -- assuming you people keep paying your annual dues, that is.

Best,


-----------
p.s. I hear that Haiku International's former Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, has started a "blog" called Oz's Funhouse. I'd check it out, but that guy gives me the creeps. Not to mention the fact he works blue. Very blue. You have been warned.

fantastic festivus to all, and to all a good night

Buuuuuuuuurp! Gahr der, fawks. That is, hi there, folks -- it's me, The Haiku Master, just finishing up the last of Castle Haiku's fine Festivus Ham before moving on to the traditional Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!

Nothing Says Festivus Like A Delicious Ham

Nice looking piece of meat, huh? It sure was, I can tell you that much. But now it exists solely in the memories and bellies of my Festivus guests. And who might they be, you ask? Frankly, it's none of your business, but if you were to assume they include esteemed peers, trusted agents, and lovely ladies (i.e., him, The Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, four call girls, and me--ed.), you wouldn't be far off the mark.

That's it for now, gentle readers. My date for the evening is insisting we begin the Airing of Grievances now, and when have I ever been known to refuse a lady? Except for that female cop who wanted me to take a field sobriety test. She was a real bitch.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus,

thank you, 'high adventure monthly' readers

Hi kids! It's a most triumphant The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight -- for the tallies are in, and the 2005 winner of High Adventure Monthly magazine's annual "Hero of the Year" award is none other than me... The Haiku Master!!!

As Always, Victory Is Very, Very Sweet (Click For Larger Image)

Needless to say, this is going to push my "Q-rating" through the roof. I'm not sure what a "Q-rating" is, but I do know a high one leads to lucrative endorsement deals. And if there's one thing I love, it's a lucrative endorsement deal! (And whiskey.--ed.) Unfortunately, one of Haiku International's operatives wasn't willing to let the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 enjoy the spotlight on his own -- as evidenced by Paulo's appearance on the latest issue of Cockfighter Monthly!

It Wouldn't Surprise The Haiku Master At All To Learn Paulo Had Paid For This Honor (Click For Larger Image)

That rascal! Still, always nice to have one's achievements honored -- something you people might want to consider doing from time to time as well, wink wink nudge nudge! Either way, time for your hero to split; Old Man Winter's been roaring around town on a bender all day, and I'm headed over to Baltimore's Patterson Park right now to give him a proper ass-kicking. Wish me luck!

Best,


----------------------
P.S. No, I'm not sure why both of these images display October 2005 cover dates, when one would presume their year-end "[Blank] of the Year" issues would be published in December. I guess both publications use the same error-prone printer? Your guess is as good as mine, fan club members!

this 'no adventure' thing is harder than i thought

Hrmm. H-hey. It's m... um, yeah. Right. No action. Just talking about the trivial stuff that makes us human. Th-th-that's what "blogging's" all a... all about. Yes! Yes yes yes.

So I'm not going to tell you about something that just happened to me as I was taking out the trash. I won't say a word about how Old Man Winter -- who is most definitely "off his meds," if the Sultan of Syll... I mean, if I'm any judge of character! -- just tried to jump me, zapping me in the rear end with his weird weather powers. And I definitely won't speak of the massive wedgie I gave him in retaliation, forcing him to flee in that obnoxious snowmobile of his!

Old Man Winter Shows Off In Front Of Castle Haiku

Th-that would be... too much action... for a "blog." You know, based on my m-m-m-market r-r-r-research and all. S-s-so, let's see. How 'b-'bout them baseball teams p-playing for th-the Baseball Cup, huh? They s-sure are disrupting the h-h-h-h-h-hell out of Fox's regular programming, huh?

Oh, there is some good news: I pooped after my encounter with O.M.W.! Ginchy, huh? That's it, nice and conversational. Just the trivial stuff that makes us human. That -- oh yes, that is the ticket.

worrying about a friend

Hey everyone, it's me, The Haiku... Dammit! I keep forgetting that you're not supposed to introduce yourself in every "blog" post -- not if you want to be a professional "blogger"! And believe you me when I say there's nothing I want more. In fact, here comes some more traditional "blogging" to prove it!

So anyway, I'm kind of worried about my friend Old Man Winter. Well, he's not really a friend so much as someone I hang out with every now and then. Sometimes, when he's "off his meds," we fight.

Old Man Winter (Seen Demonstrating His Sub-Zero Breath) Can Be Downright Dangerous When He's "Off His Meds"

Lately, I've been a little worried that he's off them, because he's been acting cranky. Take yesterday for example. He ran around town all day, yelling and screaming and spitting and zapping unsuspecting passersby with his witchy winter powers... whoa, I just realized I came dangerously close to providing you good people with some action in this post. And everyone knows "blogs" aren't supposed to be action-packed!

I better get out of here before I mess up again. Oops, I almost forgot! I had a tasty peanut butter and jelly sandwich a couple of hours ago, thanks to the Haiku-Bot. It really went great with a cold glass of beer, lol! But my no-pooping problem is back; hopefully I'll poop again tomorrow, 'cause I don't like worrying that I have a tumor or something.

awesome apple pie recipe

Hey how is everyone doing? It's The Haiku Master here, continuing to "blog" correctly with an awesome apple pie recipe that I'd like to share with you! Grab a pen and paper, 'cause I know you're going to want this for later. The holidays are coming after all, and nothing says "Festivus" like hot apple pie. Except Feats of Strength. But F.o.S. are a little too action-packed to discuss on a "blog," so maybe we should stick to the apple pie. Okay, here we go:

Apple Pie Is SO Awesome LOL!

INGREDIENTS

• Apples
• Flour
• Sugar
• Salt
• Butter
• Vegetable Shortening (not sure what this is)
• Water
• Nutmeg
• Cinnamon
• Oven
• Haiku-Bot

DIRECTIONS

1) Send the Haiku-Bot to the supermarket to pick up the non-Haiku-Bot, non-oven ingredients you'll need.

2) Make sure you have an oven; if not, send the Haiku-Bot to Home Depot to buy one.

3) Ask the Haiku-Bot to turn the ingredients into an apple pie for you. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Tell the Haiku-Bot to not include itself or the oven in the ingredients.)

In about an hour or so, you'll have an awesome apple pie. It goes great with ice cream... but it goes even better with good friends. And good friends is really what it's all about, right? Like my friend Old Man Winter. He's been kind of cranky the last couple of days, which makes me think he might have gone "off his meds" after we got back from Las Vegas. I hope not, but I guess we'll see. I really worry about that guy sometimes.

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. XII

* * *
CHAPTER XII

With Haikunestro on the run and Paulo serving as his hostage, there was scant time to spare. Fortunately -- very fortunately -- my foe had equipped his lab with two elevators; I gladly threw caution to the wind and jumped aboard the second.

"Haiku-Bot! Help Ralphus and Malphus get the Professor and Angelina to safety!" I shouted. "O.M.W.! Dubya! You're with me!"

From Left: Old Man Winter, Dubya, And The Haiku Master Prepare To Chase Haikunestro In An Elevator

"Dubya against the terrorists. Dubya with us!" Dubya confirmed as he got on the elevator.

"Crap," added O.M.W., joining us. "I was hoping to draw Angelina guard duty."

"Be careful, H.M.!" said the Professor. "I zink zat Haikunestro might have vun or two tricks still up his sleeve!"

"Well, he'd better," I said, pressing the "up" button. "Or he'll never make it out of Vegas alive!!!"

One short elevator ride later and we were back in the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience concession... but where were Haikunestro and Paulo?!?

"Excuse me," I said to a pair of elderly women. "Have either of you seen a madman with a Hitler mustache escorting a Mexican fellow wearing a sombrero?"

"Oh, you again!" the fatter one said -- and I immediately recognized them as the silver-haired slot sluts from earlier! "We lost a lot of money 'cause of you and your big mouth!"

"Yeah, my mojo's still outta whack!" spat the other.

"Oh, never mind!" I said, turning to ask another passerby... and found myself face-to-face with none other than my close, personal friend, Billy Dee Williams!

The Haiku Master (Left) Greets His Old Ally, Billy Dee Williams

"Billy Dee Williams!" I said. "What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, baby? Cuttin' loose and getting wild!!!" he said, then took a long swig off his ever-present can of Colt 45: The Official Malt Liquor of Billy Dee Williams. "I also had to pick up my royalty check from the Star Wars slots they have here. What about you?"

"Looking for my arch-enemy, Haikunestro -- you haven't seen him, have you?"

"D-a-a-a-a-a-mn! I thought that was him I saw heading towards the parking garage, but he had some Mexican dude with him so I wasn't sure. Plus, I've been drinking this sweet, sweet malt liquor for so long I don't even trust my own senses anymore! Ain't that crazy?!"

"If it's crazy, then I should've been locked up ages ago," I assured him. "Thanks for the info, old friend; time for my partners and me to take that haiku-hating bastard down!"

"Be careful H.M.," he said. "And be sure to use some Colt 45 on his ass! Works every time!!!"

Leaving Billy Dee behind, we rushed into the Hilton's parking garage -- just as two loud gunshots rang out!

"What the--?!" I gasped, running towards the sound with O.M.W. and Dubya behind me. I rounded a corner expecting the worst, and was instead greeted by a most welcome -- and strangely familiar -- sight!

Haikunestro lay on the cold concrete floor of the parking garage in a growing pool of his own blood. Paulo was safely off to the side, and standing above my arch-foe was a large form draped in fine blue silk. This person wore an equally blue sombrero, and held a large, blue, smoking revolver in each hand.

The Blue Sombrero, A.K.A. The Mexico City Madman, Returns

"That," the stranger said in a smooth Mexican accent, "is for sleeping with my wife again. The next time it will be your life! Adios, híbrido!"

Just as quickly as he appeared, the mysterious gunfighter in blue was gone.

"Was that... the Blue Sombrero?" an awed Old Man Winter asked.

"The Mexico City Madman?" I said. "It sure was, friend. It sure was. But never mind that now; Paulo, are you alright?"

"Sí, Hombre muy Extraño," he said, brushing himself off as he rose. "But what of the robot cocks? You told me there would be robot cocks!"

"Robot cocks..?" said Old Man Winter, starting to giggle. "Robot cocks???" He then doubled over with mirth, laughing long and hard until finally wheezing to a stop.

What it was he found so funny, I do not know.

* * *
EPILOGUE

Shortly thereafter it was determined that Haikunestro was not dead, just severly wounded, and he and his Trekkie henchmen were soon rounded up by the fine men and women of the Las Vegas Police Department.

That ugly business settled, Paulo, O.M.W., Dubya, and I met up with the others in the Hilton's impressive sports book. We decided to eat there, dining on delicious hoagies and gallon-sized plastic footballs filled to the brim with beer.

"So I guess zat is zat," said Professor de la Groove, bits of hoagie clinging to his mustache. "I only hope zat my vun great fear vill not be realized!"

"Your one great fear?" I said. "What would that be?"

"Zat jou dumkopfs might have messed vith ze time-space continuum vhen jou vent back to 1960! Tell me, jou didn't interact vith any famous people, did jou?"

"Not me," I said, almost too quickly.

"Not you?!" scoffed Old Man Winter. "What about the Rat Pack, Haiku Master? Huh Haiku Master? What about them?"

"Oh yeah. There was that..."

"Oy!" said the Professor. "Und vat of jou zree, hmm?"

"Nah, nobody famous, but we did meet some pretty cool people," O.M.W. replied. "Check out our pictures!"

Old Man Winter, Dubya, And Paulo Mugging With Non-Famous People From 1960

"Nobody famous!" gasped the Professor. "Zat's John F. Kennedy, Cassius Clay, Marilyn Monroe, und Elvis! Vat do jou mean, not famous?"

"Oh! No wonder I found these pictures in a history book!" O.M.W. chortled. "You gotta admit, that's pretty funny! Hey Haiku Master, ain't that funny?"

"Feh," Angelina sneered, looking at the blurry black-and-white images. "That Marilyn was such a cow."

Hoping to change the subject, I said: "Er, I have a question Professor -- if I got replaced by Joey Bishop when I went back in time, who replaced these guys?"

"Two vinos und a mental patient."

"Huh. Well, with that cleared up I guess I can label this case as 100% 'closed'!"

Closed it was... but fabulous Las Vegas would have one more surprise for me before I left its warm embrace, as seen in this unbelievable photo!

The Haiku Master Inspects The Las Vegas Hilton's Fitting Tribute To His Bravery

That's right! The Las Vegas Hilton paid homage to yours truly's death-defying deeds by unfurling this mega-sized banner above the hotel's glittering pool on my last day in town! Talk about a perfect ending!

But when you're me, every ending is perfect... 'cause I'm The Haiku Master!!!

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. XI

* * *
CHAPTER XI

"Well well well well," snarled Haikunestro, drawing a point-blank bead on yours truly with a wicked-looking raygun. "At long last, I can say with undisputed authority that this time we really meet again for the last time this time! And it's about goddamn time!!!"

Haikunestro (Front Row, Left) And His Undisciplined Goons Prepare To Face Off Against The Haiku Master (Front Row, Right) And His Staunch Allies

"Ah, Haikunestro," I said, shaking my head sadly. "Always so angry. No wonder you flunked Master Doug Henning's serenity courses."

"#%@$ Mas... #%@$ Doug Henning!!" Haikunestro screamed. "He may have caused me to repeat freshman year, but in the end I killed him! I killed them all!! Just like I'm going to kill you!!!"

Not For Nothing, But The Haiku Master Got Straight "A's" In Master Doug Henning's Serenity Courses At The Cobra Kai Haiku Order's Temple In Ancient Atlantis, And Definitely Nothing Lower Than A "C"

"Maybe so. But while you've been going off on your latest rant, you've forgotten one very important fact."

"Oh?" he asked, sneering. "And what might that be? That you're a moron?"

"No -- that you're dealing with a Master of Haikung Fu!!!"

Just like that, the heat was most definitely on! I shoved Haikunestro's arm to the left as he fired his weapon, and the lab erupted into chaos!

"This isn't over yet, you freak!" Haikunestro said... and was immediately brought low by the combined might of Ralphus and Malphus! I would have jumped in to help, but soon found myself dealing with a pack of space judo-wielding Trekkies!

"I'm gonna crack my knuckles and sheath my blaster..." one said cryptically.

"...'Cause I'd much rather punch The Haiku Master!" said another.

"Sweet Jesus! Rhyming poets!" I cried. "Alright then, you scoundrels -- let's see what you've got!"

Four of them moved in at once, and faced the full fury of the rarely used Cobra Kai maneuver known only as Ike Turner's Tough Love!!! As their shattered bodies fell before me, I looked around the lab... and man, did I ever like what I saw!

To put it bluntly, my allies were kicking ass and taking names, and Haikunestro's stooges were dropping like flies. But where was...

"H.M.!" Professor de la Groove shouted from across the room. "Haikunestro -- he's got Paulo!"

I looked to where my old friend was pointing, and he was right; my arch-enemy was holding his raygun against Paulo's head, the other arm wrapped around the champion cockfighter's throat!

Paulo Begged The Haiku Master To Not Release This Picture, But He Did Not Beg With Money

"That's right, you retards!" said Haikunestro. "One more step and the Mexican gets it!"

"Please, Hombre muy Extraño," gulped Paulo, eyes straining towards the gun barrel. "I no want to die! I told you, I just want tacos!"

"You hear that?" Haikunestro said in a mocking tone. "He just wants tacos. And if any of you mother#%@$ers takes one step near me, he's never gonna eat a taco again!!"

Not wanting Paulo's blood on my hands, I waved my bristling companions off.

"Alright, Haikunestro, alright. You win this round," I said. "But if you harm so much as a hair on that poor peasant's head, know that you'll have the Sultan of Syllables to deal with!"

"Hey!" said Paulo. "I no am peasant!"

"Save the threats for someone who can't kick your ass, dipshit," scoffed Haikunestro, as he and Paulo stepped backwards through the lab doors. "See you in the funny papers!"

With that they were gone, whisked back to the Star Trek: The Experience concession through the high-powered elevator! Naturally, I was prepared to give chase... but to what end?

Did Paulo get rescued? Was Haikunestro brought to justice? Who replaced Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya when they went to 1960, and what did they do while they were there? Did Angelina Jolie and I have another amorous encounter? Would I ever check into a Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master while in Vegas? Find out the mind-blowing answers to these and other questions in the stupendous, unbelievable, insanity-inducing twelfth and final chapter of my Big Vegas Caper!!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. XII---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. X

* * *
CHAPTER X

Those who guessed the reappearance of the golden energy beam meant the four of us were about to be whisked back to 2005 guessed correctly... for when the effect wore off, we found ourselves once more in Haikunestro's underground lab!

1960 Behind Them, The Haiku Master (Front Row, Right) & Co. Head Back To 2005

"Great Scott!" I shouted, leaping off the familiar medical table in a Haikung Fu fighting stance, ready to unleash the devastating attack referred to by the ancient masters as the Boilermaker on the first Trek-themed goon who crossed my path!

"It worked, Professor! They're back, and the others are gone!" yelped a lush female voice that could only belong to the world's sexiest woman, Angelina Jolie!

I turned and saw the apple of my eye standing near the lab's massive computer bank, which was being fiendishly manipulated by Professor de la Groove and the Haiku-Bot! Ralphus and Malphus were also nearby, with no Trekkies in sight... nor that arch-fiend, Haikunestro!

"Huzzah!" the Professor said, clapping the Haiku-Bot on the back. "Nice vork, H.B. -- jou are vun hell of a programmer, mein friend!"

"All in a, day's work Mr., Professor de la Groove sir," it replied. And if I didn't know better, I'd have it say it was blushing! "Besides I was, only carrying out your most, excellent. Instructions without them I would have been, lost."

"Nonsense! In fact..."

"A-hem!" I interjected, feeling more than a little put off. "If you're all done congratulating each other over there, would someone mind telling the hero of this little adventure what's going on?"

That's all it took to get de la Groove going on one of his trademarked, long-winded, tecnobabble-heavy expositions... one that was suddenly cut off by the totally unexpected reappearance of Haikunestro!!

Haikunestro: One Bad Penny

"You didn't seriously think Joey Bishop was enough to stop me, did you?!" he sneered, barging into the lab with a squadron of Star Trek heavies at his back. "Regardless, he wasn't -- and now you're all going to die!!!"

I smell a climax in this odyssey's immediate future, ladies and gentlemen... or my name's not The Haiku Master!!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. XI---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. IX

* * *
CHAPTER IX

Unsurprisingly, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 became fast friends with the Rat Pack -- all except Joey Bishop, who had apparently gone missing the same day I arrived in 1960! Moreover, with Bishop M.I.A. and The Sands' mafia-connected owners expecting five performers at the Pack's shows, Frank Sinatra soon drafted yours truly to take Bishop's place... as evidenced by this shocking, history-altering photo!

The New & Improved Rat Pack (From Left): Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, And The Haiku Master

The change did not go unnoticed by the Rat Pack's fans -- though it did go unappreciated! Many took to attending our gigs wearing tacky T-shirts emblazoned with such slogans as "What About Joey?" and the ever-hurtful "Haiku Master Is A Disaster!"

"I don't know how much more of this I can take, Frank!" I hissed at Sinatra onstage one night, as a woman in a shirt reading "I Don't Make THAT Kind Of Cabbage!" booed me from the front row.

"Suck it up, Charley," Frank shot back. "We're giving you a nice cut of the net to sit up here and act the clown, so stop crying."

"Damn it, man!" I said, finally losing my temper over Sinatra's umpteenth mangling of my fairly easy-to-remember name. "I already told you: my name's not Charley, and it's not Clyde! It's The..."

"Haiku Master!" someone in the audience shouted. "Hey, Haiku Master! It's me..."

That voice! That grating, unforgettable voice! Could it really be...

"...Old Man Winter!!! Is that you, Haiku Master?"

"Old Man Winter?!" I said in disbelief. The band, not being able to deal with all the distractions, brought our current number to an abrupt halt... just as Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya came bounding up to the stage!!

No One Was More Surprised Than The Haiku Master (Back Left) When (Front Row, From Left) Paulo, Old Man Winter, And Dubya Showed Up In 1960

"Is this part of the show?" asked the rude woman in the front row. "If so, it's horrible. I wanna refund."

"Shut your man-pleaser!" I barked at her. Then, to my teammates: "O.M.W.! Paulo! Dubya! What are you guys doing here?"

"What are we doing here? We were about to ask you the same thing, Haiku Master!"

"Sí," added Paulo. "I did not know you were a viajero del tiempo, Hombre muy Extraño."

"Dubya not intellectually curious," mused Dubya.

"Guys..." Frank said.

"I got temporally displaced here by Haikunestro," I said. "You?"

"Guys..." Frank said again.

"I'm still not sure, Haiku Master!" said O.M.W. "After getting off the plane we rushed over to the Las Vegas Hilton so I could lay some bets, and so Paulo could get something to eat."

"Sí," said Paulo. "I was hongry."

"Guys, seriously..." said Frank.

"Next thing you know, we're jumped by a bunch of goons in Star Trek uniforms, taken to some underground lab, and zapped with a time thingamajigger by a creep in a bad Hitler mustache!"

"That was Haikunestro!" I said excitedly. "He must've..."

"Alright, that's it! You bums have had it!" said a clearly annoyed Frank. "Dino, Sammy, Pete -- let's throw 'em out of here!!"

Clearly, it looked like trouble was about to erupt... much to the delight of the heavily anti-The Haiku Master crowd! But as the Rat Pack rushed us, my fellow extempriates and I were suddenly bathed in an odd golden light -- the same kind of beam that Haikunestro had used to temporally displace me to 1960!

Did this mean we were about to be sent back to our native time period? I guess you'll have to read the next chapter to find out!!!


---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. X---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. V

* * *
CHAPTER V

Not surprisingly, Professor de la Groove entered the Space Quest Casino at precisely 12:00 p.m. -- "local time" -- accompanied as always by his assistants, Ralphus and Malphus. Much to my embarrassment, however, Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya were nowhere to be seen... despite O.M.W.'s glib assurances to the contrary!

Professor De La Groove (Center) And His Assistants, Ralphus (Left) and Malphus, Arrive At The Space Quest Casino

"So H.M.," said the Professor, lighting an expensive cigar. "I ask jou to gather a highly trained crew of seasoned professionals, and zis is vat jou bring me? A vell-dressed prostitute and a pack of seedy European businessmen? Zat I could've done myself."

"I knew she was a prostitute!" I heard one of the businessmen whisper. "Now pay up!"

"Alright, old chap, you win," said a second. "It's a load off, actually. A woman of Angelina Jolie's stature spending time with a mentally handicapped medical oddity such as that made absolutely..."

"Ex-cuse me? A prostitute?!" hissed an enraged Angelina, de la Groove's insinuation finally sinking in. "As it so happens, I'm an Oscar-winning actress -- and the sexiest woman alive! Besides, I'm not the one dressed like... like... like an avacado pimp!"

"Ooooh," the Professor said, raising his hands in mock surrender as he turned to me, laughing. "Ooh, she is ze feisty one, H.M.! Jou'd better vatch jourself vith--!!"

Before he had a chance to finish, SWA-MACK!!! Angelina landed a wicked slap against the decrepit old man's noggin, knocking his fine hat clear off his head! A bad move on her part; without batting an eye Malphus leapt forward, catching her in a dreaded Sleeper Hold!! Angelina thrashed wildly, eyes screaming murder! It looked as if all hell was about to break loose, until:

"No no, Malphus, let her be," said the Professor, smiling, as Ralphus retrieved his hat and placed it back on his wizened head. "Let her be. I deserved zat." Then, to Angelina: "My dear Miss Jolie, please accept ze most humble apologies of Professor Zadwick Tiberius Vilhelm de la Groove. I know very vell vho jou are, and am a fervent admirer. But I needed to measure jour fire, and figured ze best vay to do zat vas vith ze old insult. Frankly, it comes as no surprise zat jou passed.

"Zat said," he continued, "I still zink ve'll need more support, zough jou both bring considerable talents to ze table. Vhat zose guys bring, I don't know."

"What, you mean the seedy European businessmen?"

"Hey!" one of them shouted. "We are not seedy!"

"Bad form," muttered another.

"Oui, vho else vould I mean?"

"Oh, they're not actually with us. We were just playing some baccarat with them."

"Baccarat? Vhat do jou know about ze baccarat, H.M.?"

"Not much, as it turns out. They really took me to the cleaners!"

Try As He Might, The Haiku Master (Center) Couldn't Figure Out What The Hell Goes On With Baccarat

"Ah vell, live and learn. Or in jour case just live, eh?"

"You better believe it, Prof!"

"Either vay, zis is ze bad news jou are bringing me. Even vith my help, vun professional crimefighter and ze vorld's sexiest voman von't be enough to stop Haikunestro's mad plot, mark my vords!"

"Don't mark 'em yet -- we didn't come alone!"

"Oh? Jou brought a group vith jou, did jou?" he said, scanning the casino before shrugging. "Zen vhere are zey, H.M.? Hmm? Hmmmm? Don't tell me zey are invisible, my young friend!"

"No, they're not invisible! They're around here somewhere... there's a robot, and a weather warlock, and a top-rated cockfighting champ -- ooh, and a super-strong dude who might be a clone of George W. Bush! Tell him, Angelina! Tell him!"

"It's true, Professor. They just appear to be late. The robot, however, is waiting outside by the cabstand."

"Now jou I can believe," said my old ally, slyly winking at my current squeeze. "Vell, I guess ve can give zem a few more min..."

"Stuff it, old-timer," said an eerily familiar voice behind me. "The only thing you're going to be giving is the sweet, sweet pleasure of watching you all die long, drawn-out, excruciatingly painful deaths -- and you'll be giving it all to me! All to daddy!! All to the pop-a-rooski!!!"

I swung around in a Haikung Fu fighting stance... only to find myself once more face-to-face with the vilest traitor in the venerable Cobra Kai Haiku Order's long history!

"That's right, shit for brains," he said, sneering. "It's me... the one and only Haikunestro!!!"


---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. VI---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. IV

* * *
CHAPTER IV

Following a torrid session with Angelina Jolie, I happened to glance at my watch while getting dressed... and realized it was already half-past twelve!

Angelina Jolie Snuggles Up To The Haiku Master (Left) On The Haiku Plane While A Jealous Haiku-Bot Looks On

"Sweaty Mother of Arbuckle!" I gasped. "We're late, Angelina -- Professor de la Groove's going to be furious! Come on, let's go!"

"But darling," she said. "I still have to put on my makeup!"

"No time for that now; you can put it on in the cab! Haiku-Bot, you too! Let's move it, people!"

"Begging your pardon Mr., The Haiku Master sir but, my internal servo-processors indicate..."

"Less talk more go!" I barked, straightening my ascot as I locked the Haiku Plane's hatch behind me.

With that, we hustled through the airport and out to our choice of waiting cabs. We opted for a no-nonsense white model emblazoned with ads for Barry Manilow, Carrot Top, and the like, and were soon on our way.

"Where you folks headed?" the cabbie asked.

"The Las Vegas Hilton -- and there's an extra something in it for you if you can get us there forty minutes ago!"

"That's a tall order chief, but I'll see what I can do."

See he did, but it was all for naught... for by the time we arrived at the Hilton, it was already one o'clock! Needless to say, our driver did not receive a tip.

From Left: The Haiku-Bot, Angelina Jolie, And The Haiku Master Enter The Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino

"Goddamn the hands of time!" I shouted as we burst into the Space Quest Casino, startling some elderly women who were fiendishly feeding their pensions into a bank of Damnation Alley-themed slot machines. "I don't see Professor de la Groove anywhere -- they must've gone on without us!"

"Keep it down, you bozo!" said one of the grandmothers. "We're trying to win some money here!"

"Yeah!" said a second. "You're gonna throw my mojo out of whack!"

"With all due respect Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but I believe, we are. Early."

"What are you babbling on about now?! Unless Congress recently voted to change the direction in which time flows, one o'clock still comes after twelve o'clock!!"

"Tsk, this horrible Administration," Angelina said. "Is there nothing so low as to prevent them from stooping for it?"

Ignoring Angelina, the Haiku-Bot continued. "Bzzt. Correct. As of my, most recent data update Congress, has not changed the flow of time."

"Then how the hell could we be early?"

"Mr. The Haiku, Master sir there is, a three hour time difference. Between the east and, west coasts of the United, States. Of America."

"Three hour time difference... what on earth are you talking about, you overweight blob of grease?!"

"He's right, darling," Angelina breathed huskily in my ear. "I learned about it through all the travel required by my profession."

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" I declared. "That certainly explains a lot of the confusing situations I encounter while on the road. But no matter now. All right, let's synchronize watches! Ten-oh-nine 'local time' on my mark, and... Mark!"

The issue settled, the three of us decided to kill the remaining hours by easing into some high stakes gambling. At least, we were going to until the Haiku-Bot found itself fairly discriminated against!

"Hey!" shouted the Space Quest Bar's pudgy tender, pointing wildly at H.B. "We don't serve their kind here!"

Any Similarities Between The Space Quest Bartender And A Lucasfilm Character Are Purely Coincidental

"I sincerely hope you're not referring to Homo Cabbagiens," I growled, simmering with rage at the apparent racism.

"No, 'droids. It'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's too easy for them to cheat! They got minds like computers, man!"

"Oh, I guess I can see that," I said. Then, to H.B.: "Listen, why don't you go wait out by the cabstand? We don't want any trouble."

"I heartily agree with, you Mr., The Haiku Master. Sir."

As H.B. trotted off, Angelina and I got down to some white knuckle baccarat with a crew of seedy businessmen from Europe... never realizing that every crisp snap of the cards was being watched by my sworn arch-foe, the one and only Haikunestro!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. V---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. III

* * *
CHAPTER III

Thanks to my recruitment efforts, the Haiku Plane was stuffed to the gills with six of the roughest roughnecks around when it set down at Las Vegas' McCarran International Airport that Thursday morning. In fact, before we go any further, I do believe it's time for the Vegas Roll Call:

* * *

The Haiku Master: Possessed of mad haiku and crimefighting skillz, this world-famous adventurer needs no introduction.

Paulo: Noted cockfighting champion, and one of Mexico's greatest warriors. Also a skilled mariachi trumpet player.

Old Man Winter: An oft-drunk senior citizen with witchy winter powers. Can be downright dangerous when he's off his meds.

The Haiku-Bot: A robot copy of The Haiku Master, created by the Church of Scientology and rewired for domestic servitude by Best Buy's "Geek Squad." Makes the world's finest hoagie.

Dubya: On loan from legendary concert promoter Texas Kelly. Will not back down from a fight, and may or may not be a clone of America's so-called president.

Angelina Jolie: The sexiest woman alive, and very easy on the eyes. Also an expert at recovering lost treasure and adopting alleged orphans.

* * *

Seconds after the Haiku Plane touched down on the runway, Old Man Winter was out of his seat -- clutching large wads of cash in each hand as his eyes flashed wildly!

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there? I'm dying to lay some bets!"

"Sweet Jesus, man!" I replied, lounging in the navigator's seat as the Haiku-Bot taxied us to our gate. "We're not even off the runway! Calm down -- you'll upset Angelina!"

"Thank you, darling," Angelina said huskily from her easy-massage-access position behind yours truly. "That man frightens me to death."

"Fear not, my sweet. We'll be ensconced at our love nest at the local Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master soon enough!"

"Motel 6?" she said, eyes wide in shock. "Never in hell would I stay at a Motel 6! My first husband caught syhphilis using the toilet at one of those fleabag joints!"

"Yeah, I'm not too keen on 'the 6' either, Haiku Master," said O.M.W. "I got crabs from the one we stayed at in Cairo. I'm sure it wasn't from any of the call girls, 'cause they all told me they were clean."

(Ed. Note: See "Wheelin' and Dealin'" for details.)

"Dubya think that another e-xag-ger-a-tion," Dubya retorted. "Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh."

"I don't care where we stay," Paulo added, "so long as I get something to eat. I'm hongry."

"Enough!" I shouted. "You people are driving me bonkers! Except for you, Angelina."

"Excuse me Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but we have arrived at, the gate. The captain has, extinguished the 'no smoking' and, 'seatbelt' lights and passengers, may. Depart."

"Thank #$%@ for that!" said Old Man Winter, lighting a long, fat cigar as he grabbed his carry-on bag. "I'll meet you guys at the Hilton -- time for this mad daddy to throw some bones!"

"I'll go with you, Señor Winter," said Paulo. "I gotta get something to eat. I'm hongry."

"Dubya go too," added the freakishly bearded giant. "Me survey the damage."

"Okay, but don't forget: we're meeting Professor de la Groove at the Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino at 12:00 o'clock! Don't be late!"

"Hey, don't worry about us Haiku Master!" Old Man Winter shouted back as the three scuttled off the plane. "We'll be fine, you'll see!"

With that, they were gone... and I soon found myself once more in the warm embrace of the world's sexiest woman, Angelina Jolie!

"Now that they're gone, darling," she whispered, "do you think you could fit some time into your busy crimefighting schedule for some mad, passionate lovemaking with me?"

"Could I ever! Let me just shut down the Haiku-Bot first..."

"No, let him watch -- let him see what he is missing! Let all the men of the world see what they are missing when they are not with me: Angelina Jolie!! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

Being a wholesome American entertainment provider, we at Haiku International will now dim the lights so that any children in the audience won't be subjected to the horribly unnatural sight of naked human beings. Don't worry, though; we'll have plenty of good old fashioned violence for them in subsequent chapters!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. IV---

road to victory #1: broncos at dolphins

Get ready to celebrate, adventure-lovers! It's me, The Haiku Master, pleased to introduce the newest fangle to the one, true Haiku International "blog": live coverage of the world's greatest football team, The Miami Dolphins, on their march to a well-deserved berth in this year's Super Bowl XL!*

The Haiku Master's Ready For Some Football, Dolphins-Style

The 'Phins' offense is on the field right now, so I have to glue myself to Castle Haiku's high-tech bank of Sony Trinitrons. Fear not, I'll keep you updated on all the action!

* That's "Forty," for those of you who don't speak binary.
------------------------
1:25 p.m.

A 61-yard run! Made by wideout Chris Chambers! Why the hell is the wideout playing running back? Either way, good job!

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1:32 p.m.

There's NO HONOR in field goals!! True enough, my beloved 'Phins have drawn first blood, but too many field goals is one of many reasons why former coach Dave "Fraud" Wannstedt was run out of town on a rail. The current administration would do well to keep that in mind.

Dave Wannstedt: The Only Football Coach Endorsed By Chumps And Fools

------------------------
1:37 p.m.

Current Score: Dolphins 3, Broncos 0. Zip. Nada! Zilch! The Big Kumquat!

Just making sure we're all on the same page.

------------------------
1:42 p.m.

Another Dolphin penalty? This is a football team, not a goddamned dude ranch; Saban better crack the whip if this keeps up! Of course, wideout Marty Booker just pulled in a 10-yard reception, so all is forgiven... this time.

Ah, and here comes a powerful first down off the increasingly productive Frerotte/Chambers connection -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is beginning to like what he sees!

But then, just as I go to hit the "publish" button, the 'Phins stumble to their third pre-snap penalty! Tighten it up, you yahoos!!

Okay, first quarter's up; still Dolphins 3, Broncos 0. Eat it, Shanahan!

------------------------
1:48 p.m.

Looking good, Gus: 10-13 for 92 yards and no interceptions. Fiedler's not fit to carry your cleats!

Gus Frerotte: The First "R" Is Silent, And Therefore Useless

And we're inside the 20. Why does this Champ Bailey ruffian keep giving us so much grief? Mayhaps a John Kreese-style "sweep the leg" commandment is in order... no no, stay calm. Must avoid the penalty. Keep it tight in there, Saban: tight, and at the same time loose. This is no time for mistakes. Not now that we're in the Red Zone.

It's the shotgun for Frerotte... only to be foiled by a fourth pre-snap penalty! I've had enough of that; if Saban can't put a lid on it, I may be forced to fly the Haiku Plane down to Miami to set things straight!

Gah! Even as I make my threat, a fifth penalty! Unfathomable! Feeling faint... sound of calliope music filling the air. Six penalties altogether! Six!

Now, Frerotte incomplete to Chambers -- nearly intercepted! No, the quarterback can't be frazzled already. Not this early in the game!

So we come to a second field goal. It's up off Olindo Mare's experienced foot... and it's good! Dolphins 6, Broncos a pathetic 0.

Still, that's a slim margin for error. There's no room for excuses in the red zone. Get it together you monkeys!

------------------------
1:56 p.m.

Ha ha, Denver "QB" Jake Plummer hasn't netted a passing yard all game. What a mook!

------------------------
1:58 p.m.

Very strange. A commercial just featured noted football expert John Madden stating that the Patriots play their home games in "Bean Town." No wonder they tell people they're from the more generic New England.

------------------------
2:00 p.m.

And the Broncos go three-and-out once more, without creating so much as an iota of excitement. It's like they've hired Wannstedt to tell Shanny what to do.

------------------------
2:03 p.m.

Dolphins at their 45... Frerotte with the fake, and deep to Chambers! But no, incomplete.

Frerotte...pressured...no! No! Interception! It's Bailey again! Sweep Bailey's leg! For god's sake sweep Bailey's leg!

And as for you, Frerotte: tighten it up!

------------------------
2:13 p.m.

Just when it looked as if the defense was starting to bend, with the Broncos deep in our territory: KRAKA-DOOM!!! A massive, bone-rattling blow from linebacker Zach Thomas! Thomas was run over by a truck when he was but 6, a tragic event that turned him into one of the most feared linebackers on this or any planet.

Zach Thomas Does Not Rest Until His Enemies Are Crushed, Driven Before Him, And He Hears The Lamentations Of Their Women

And... yes! A monstrous goal line stance by the 'Phins, driving back the foolhardy Broncos who decided to go for it on fourth down. Not in the house that Joe Robbie built, suckers! Dolphins still 6, Broncos still 0.

------------------------
2:17 p.m.

Alas, the offense did not capitalize on this turn-around, going a cowardly three and out. I need more cowbell, Saban! More cowbell!

------------------------
2:21 p.m.

Broncos appear to be moving again... hopefully it will once more come to naught. Speaking of which, that word always reminds me of Jethro Bodine. You know, "naught, naught, carry the naught?" No? Sounds like your cultural studies are seriously lacking.

------------------------
2:24 p.m.

Broncos at the nine yard line... Plummer passes... incomplete! Keep it going, defense, keep it going. Argh, satellite interference! Okay, back online. Broncos still haven't gone anywhere... they go for the field goal! Good: dammit! Dolphins 6, Broncos 3.

But what's this... the announcers are speaking with my close, personal friend, legendary NFL Hall of Fame Coach Don Shula! Always good to hear from an ally.

------------------------
2:30 p.m.

Sweet -- Dolphin offense re-taking the field. My god, don't they look like a pack of trained killers! Let's see what they can do... whoa, tight end Randy McMichael to the 45! Big hit, though... c'mon McMichael, get up! Gah! Satellite fritz again! Don't tell me McMichael's dead? No, no -- good.

In Addition To Having The NFL's Only Undefeated Season, The Miami Dolphins Have Unbelievably Hot Cheerleaders Like This Minx At Their Disposal

Okay, Dolphins moving again. Quick pass from Frerotte brings them into Bronco territory... 42? 45? Either way, it's a gain. Keep an eye on the mistakes, you yahoos! And damn this satellite! What's this, is it a first down? Time out? What in the hell?

Fourth and one? Well... this is really where we seperate the men from the boys, isn't it? 'Phins regrouping, going over their options. Play it safe and punt, or go for the honor with a stacatto run from #2 overall draft pick, running back Ronnie Brown? Go for the honor, Saban...

Yes, they're going for it! Chambers in motion... what the? Brown catches it for a loss? What kind of amateur bullshit was that? Who called that play?!

Oh well, at least there's only nine seconds left in the half. Miami still 6, Denver 3.

------------------------
2:33 p.m.

Aaaaand that's the first half: Dolphins 6, Broncos 3. Suck it, Shanahan!

------------------------
2:48 p.m.

Okay, well, that's going to have to do it for this game. Old Man Winter just got back into town to start setting up for his end-of-year local operations, and he's coming over with a satchel of hoagies, a box of fine Cuban tobacco, and five cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon: The Official Beer of The Haiku Master! In return, I'm going to let him watch the rest of the game over here, but hosting won't leave me much time for "blogging" and such. Still and all, I'll try to give a recap when I sober up later today. Until then, Dolphins rule, Broncos drool!

And look at this: Champ Bailey just got helped off the field, injured! By Ronnie Brown, no less! Sounds like a "sweep the leg" order was sent out after all!

------------------------
3:31 p.m.

I know I said I wouldn't be back, but... can you believe it? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! That's right, baby: as of two minutes ago, the score is now Miami 20, Denver a far-from-manly 3, thanks in large part to second-half passing and rushing TDs! WAY TO GO, MIAMI!!!

Then again, all this Pabst Blue Ribbon is pretty damn good, too!

------------------------
3:56 p.m.

Sweet Jesus! I'm out of my mind with joy!!! 27-10 with less than six minutes to play! The Dolphins are giving the Broncos such a stern whipping that the local CBS affiliate just switched to Miami after the lackluster affair in Pittsburgh! 24 of 36 for 275 yards and 2 TDs for Frerotte, more than making up for his earlier interception. Ronnie Brown only pulled in 57 yards on 22 carries, but I'm willing to cut him some slack: he's a rookie, and the Broncos were telling anyone who'd listen that they were going to stuff the 'Phins' running game... never counting on the masterful bombardment from the air! Serendipity!

As for Haiku International's Player of the Game? That honor goes to Marty Booker. I always liked that kid when he played for Chicago -- he was a master of the "wide receiver passes for a touchdown" trick play in those days -- and today he's pulled in five catches for 104 yards and a TD: sa-lute!

Alright, this is probably really the last update this time. Unless something crazy happens, like Marino suddenly taking the field for one snap under center. God bless Dan Marino, god bless Nick Saban, and god bless the Miami Dolphins!

Oh, and as for Old Man Winter, he already passed out -- a man his age should know better than to funnel his beer. Good luck to that fool if he thinks his wallet will still be around when he wakes up!

------------------------
4:15 p.m.

Final Score: World's Greatest Football Team The Miami Dolphins 34, Nothings Without John Elway The Denver Broncos 10!!! The capper? The final touchdown was defensive, thanks to the fast hands and quick wits of defensive end Jason Taylor! Way to go, team! VICTORY IS OURS!!!

Legendary NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino Is Sure To Give His Seal Of Approval To Today's Big Win

And so the Saban Era gets off on the right foot. I leave you all with a rousing rendition of the one-and-only Miami Dolphins Fight Song! Hit it, gang!

Miami has the Dolphins/The Greatest Football Team
We move the ball from goal to goal/like no one's ever seen
In the air or on the ground/We're always in control
And when you're talking Miami/You're talking Super Bowl

'Cause we're the: Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins, Number One!
Yes we're the: Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins, Number One!

Best,

so apparently that was a bad investment

Sigh. Yes it's me, The Haiku Master. And brother, am I ever depressed.

Remember my last epic saga, "Wheelin' and Dealin'"? In which Old Man Winter and I teamed up to buy 95% of the world's supply of Egyptian cotton, with a presumed fortune coming our way once we sold it? Yeah. Funny thing is, Haiku International's Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, has been doing his damndest for more than a month to find a buyer, and guess what? The best offer he's gotten so far is a team of donkeys and 12 girls of marrying age from an impoverished village in the Andes.

In other words, unless you're a polygamist, Egyptian cotton is worthless. Which means the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has been ripped off. And the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 hates being ripped off!!

As It Turns Out, Egyptian Cotton Isn't Worth A Dime

So beware, Milo Minderbender, beware! Wherever you go, wherever you hide, I will find you... and when I do, it shall surely be clobbering time!

Best,


----------------------
P.S. As the more observant amongst you have no doubt already noticed, three new The Haiku Master Epic Sagas comic book covers are now available: one for "Wheelin' and Dealin';" one for my tussle with the Scientologists, now entitled "Xenu and Me;" and a long-overdue one for "World of the Dogs." Enjoy!