this shall not stand

Anger. Sorrow. Nausea. Fear and Loathing. These are the emotions that course through The Haiku Master's heart of hearts tonight, gentle readers -- for the World's Greatest Football Team, the mighty, mighty Miami Dolphins, will play no prime time games in the 2005 NFL season!

The Miami Dolphins: The Only Football Team Endorsed By The Haiku Master

That's right -- for the first time since 1970, the only NFL team with an undefeated season shall not grace the evening television hours with its presence! The home of Marino, Shula, Buoniconti, Griese, Thomas, the Marks Brothers, Morris, Taylor, and countless other Valhalla-bound warriors, relegated to a strict daytime regimen! My god, man -- even Pee Wee teams get to play in the dark every now and again!!

One's immediate reaction is to blame the fools at the NFL's scheduling office, but then one realizes they had no choice... not after alleged coach Dave Wannstedt all but destroyed what had been the league's most storied franchise! To make matters worse, he somehow managed to go more than $15M over the salary cap and lose a 2nd round draft pick while putting together a team of gimps and used car salesmen that no one in their right mind would want in their home on a Sunday or Monday night!

With incompetence on that level, Wannstedt shouldn't be coaching -- he should be running NASA.

Dave Wannstedt: The Only Football Coach Endorsed By Chumps And Fools

Ah, well. Hopefully the 'Phins' new head coach, Nick Saban, will whip that motley crew into shape fast. Perhaps I'll volunteer my services should things look dire down the road -- we certainly don't need a repeat of this embarrassment next season.

Best,

taxes, shmaxes

How's it hanging, 'ku believers? It's me, The Haiku Master, maxin', relaxin' -- but never taxin'!! -- here at my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs!

I don't know about you, but I've been hearing a lot of public bitching lately about the dreaded "T" word. That's right -- taxes. Me, I never touch the stuff; thanks to my status as a high-profile celebrity crimefighter, I'm legally exempt. But from what I can see, they're a real pain in the ass to you little people. (Especially Haiku International's Minister of Information, who never shuts up about the "draconian Maryland tax code" around this time of year.)

At any rate, here's my advice to you: if taxes bring you that much pain, just don't pay them! It'll be much better for your mental well being in the long run, and with a bureaucracy as big as the Internal Revenue Service, most of you are sure to slip through the cracks.

Don't thank me with words -- thank me with a nice, tax deductible donation to Haiku International with all the money you're going to save by not paying taxes!

Best,

still singing songs of love

Greetings, speed freaks! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm certainly in a good mood tonight -- for my all-time favorite '60s solo artist, Donovan, is back and reportedly better than ever!!!

Superman And Green Lantern Ain't Got Nothin' On Donovan... Or The Haiku Master

Sure, Hendrix had the fire and Dylan the wisdom, but Donovan had the smooth, and oodles of it. I mean, Jesus -- they call him "Mellow Yellow!!" Does it get any smoother than that? The Pharaoh of 5-7-5 thinks not!

I'd check out The Hurdy Gurdy Man's current tour, but it's not coming anywhere near the Baltimore area. Which is probably just as well. After all, spreading haiku and fighting crime keeps me plenty busy as it is!

Best,

cole ford: paranoid, or just paranoid enough?

Whoa, slow down, faithful readers! You're likely to hurt yourselves rushing in here the way you did! But then, who can blame you? After all, a new post from The Haiku Master is viewed as a blessing from the gods in many third world cultures!

But enough of that -- the Sultan of Syllables isn't here to chew the fat. No, I'm here to bring your attention to the sad case of Cole Ford. This former kicker for the nefarious Oakland Raiders is charged with firing several shotgun blasts outside the home of those infamous magi, Siegfried and Roy. Ford's stated reason for doing so was a desire to "'warn the world' of the threat posed by the illusionists."

Whether Kicking Footballs Or Drawing Attention To Evil Men, Cole Ford Is Always Right On Target

For this brave act, Ford has been labeled a criminal, and was forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation at the hands of The Man. On which I call bullshit!

Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen -- Siegfried and Roy are indeed grave threats to mankind's existence, and will not rest 'til every last one of us are under their command! (Or rather, "every last one of you," as I'm Homo Cabbagien, not Homo Sapien.) Plus, those "tigers" they parade around with? They're actually demons in feline form!!!

Siegfried & Roy A.K.A. The Dark Lords Of Omnicrom-5 (Seen Here With Pet Demon Disguised As Tiger)

This travesty of justice must not stand! Write your congressmen forthwith! Every day that a heroic individual like Cole Ford rots in jail while the Dark Lords of Omnicrom-5 walk free is another day in which our world tips further into madness!

Best,

three cheers for the pirate captain

Avast, me hearties! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, with a whale of a report for you -- pirates are within a handsbreadth of winning their first elected post since their glory days, and it's all thanks to North Carolina State University's The Pirate Captain!

The Pirate Captain Looks To Be A Lock For NCSU's Student Body President

In last week's election for NCSU's Student Body President, T.P.C. keelhauled 44% of the vote in a race against three landlubbers, and looks to be a lock against his sole remaining competitor, the oddly named Will Quick, in next week's runoff. Which means that fine academy will soon be America's premier haven for blackguards, scalliwags, cutthroats, bad eggs, and rogues everywhere!

As a result, the Sultan of Syllables gladly endorses The Pirate Captain for this and any other public office he may seek in the future, up to and including President of the United States of America. Or even Pope! So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,


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p.s. Don't forget about International Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is held every year on September 19!

i guess rainier didn't get the memo

Hello there, folks. Yes it's me, The Haiku Master, but I'm a bit perturbed tonight -- Monaco's Prince Rainier III up and died, after I specifically asked cool people to stop doing so!

From Left: Grace Kelly And Prince "Smooth Operator" Rainier III

Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen -- the world has lost one of its greatest lovers. Hell, not even the legendary Billy Dee Williams could fill Rainier's silk slippers when it came to the sweet science of amoré! After bedding enough women to make Wilt Chamberlain look like a choir boy, Rainier finally settled down with American actress Grace Kelly, of Partridge Family fame. It was a storybook wedding, one that virgins and old maids still weep about on balmy June nights, when the moon is full.

As Prince, Rainier ruled Monaco with a deservedly iron fist, whipping it into the "hugely successful financial centre and... haven for the super-rich" it is today. He played no favorites, rolled heads when the situation called for it, and never took "no" for an answer.

Despite having enough on his plate to overwhelm a lesser man, Rainier also found time to become a Saturday morning idol to millions of children via his beloved television persona, Captain Kangaroo. I was one of those kids, and I could never thank him enough for the countless hours of enjoyment given to me by his antics.

Rainier Mugging For The Camera On The Set Of His Hit TV Show, Captain Kangaroo

So farewell, sweet Prince! May your cup never go empty, and may your harem always be full!

Best,

memo to cool people: stop dying

Hi again, non-rhyming poetry fans. Before I, The Haiku Master, get into the next part of the Texas saga, I have an important message for the cool people of Earth: STOP DYING!!!

I mean, Jesus! Over the past month and a half, we've been rocked by the deaths of Hunter S. Thompson, Johnnie Cochran, Pope John Paul II a.k.a. The Deuce, Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain, chicken overlord Frank Perdue, funnyman Mitch Hedberg, The Beverly Hillbillies creator Paul Henning, and too many others to count! Stop it already -- one's head can only spin so much before it flies completely off!

So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,

pope john paul II, master of breakdancing: rest in peace

Rejoice 'ku believers, for I, The Haiku Master, am more or less free of the grasp of the insidious video game which has sapped my strength and attention for the past week-plus! Now, stop rejoicing and start mourning -- 'cause my close, personal friend Pope John Paul II has said his last Hail Mary!!

This is truly a devastating loss, loyal readers. For The Deuce (as his close, personal friends called him) was more than just the frontman for the Holy Roman Catholic Empire... he was also Earth's foremost authority on the ancient art of breakdancing! In fact, many experts credit The Deuce's sublime breakdancing abilities with toppling communism, whatever that means.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Many tried, but none were ever able to match his mad skillz on the cardboard mat. With him gone, entire generations of future breakdancers will go without seeing firsthand The Deuce's gravity-defying headspin, and they will be poorer for it!

Okay, I'm off to bash out the long-awaited third chapter in "Drunk in the Heart of Texas." Try to stay out of trouble until then.

Best,