dead alert

Happy All Hallow's Eve Eve, friends! It's me, world-renowned adventurer and bon vivant The Haiku Master with a dire message for one and all: stay off the streets for the next couple nights if you want to live!!!

After all, the zombies are pretty thick out there this time of year.

Zombies Rule The Streets Of Baltimore Every Halloween

Heck, they got my across-the-street neighbor while he was walking his dog last night! One of them ate the heart right out of his chest while another gnawed on what appeared to be his genital region. Horrible way to go. Horrible! I would've helped, but the Sultan of Syllables adopted a strict policy against combating the undead following last year's scare. Besides, I can't be expected to do everything for our grossly overpaid law enforcement community!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if I can figure out who this "Mister Cruise" is the Haiku-Bot keeps calling. He better not be planning a vacation, I'll tell you that much!

Best,

something's wrong with that robot

I'm glad you're here, fan club members! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm hoping you can help me with a problem.

It's the Haiku-Bot, see; he's been acting screwy ever since I got back from the Himalayas. For starters, he's taken to wearing a tough-looking sleeveless smoking jacket. He also appears to be more... roboty. If that's possible. With red, beady little eyes. But that's not what worries me.

The Haiku Master Can't Put His Finger On It, But Something's Different About The Haiku-Bot These Days

No, it's his attitude that really has me on edge. He barely does anything I ask him to, and when he does, it's always with a boat-load of lip! Then he spends all his free time in the basement, making phone calls that he refuses to discuss with me. Oh, and his once world-class hoagies? I think he's buying them from the gas station down the street!

All of which makes me think it might be time to send H.B. to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a tune-up. In the meantime, should you have any robot psychology tips, feel free to send 'em my way. I have a feeling I'm going to need them.

Best,

another day, another disappointment

Howdy ho, 'ku believers. It's me, The Haiku Master, still having no luck at getting once-trusted Haiku International operatives to flock to my banner now that I've returned. In fact, even H.I.'s former Minister of Operations & Defense Oswald "Oz" Carver turned me down!

Haiku International's Former Minister Of Operations & Defense, Oswald "Oz" Carver

"Carver residence," he said when I called earlier. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Oz?"

"Maybe. Who's this?"

"It's me, Oz -- H.M.!"

"Aych Em?"

"H.M.! You know, The Haiku Master!"

"Oh, you. What do you want? And make it fast, halfwit, I'm a busy man."

"Uh... well, as you probably expected, now that I'm back from the Himalayas--"

"You call this fast? Cut to the chase!"

"I--"

"While we're young!"

"Er--"

"Goddammit! Enough with the monkey noises! Speak, man! Speak!"

"Okay, okay! I'm relaunching Haiku International and was wondering..."

"Not! Interested! Good day to you, sir!"

"But--"

"I said 'good day to you, sir!' Now shove off!"

With that, he hung up. Or rather slammed the phone down, as my still-ringing ear can attest. What a jerk.

Oh well, I didn't really want his fat ass hanging around Castle Haiku again anyhow. And frankly, he scares me. As does his blog. Good riddance to bad rubbish as far as I'm concerned. Me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

getting the band back together is proving difficult

Come on in, kids. It's your old friend, The Haiku Master, but I'm feeling a little glum... 'cause I'm having very little luck getting firm commitments to future adventures from formerly staunch Haiku International agents and associates!

I know, I can hardly believe it myself! The nerve of those bums -- now I know how Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane! At any rate, here's a run-down of what some of the more notable ones say they're too busy doing to help me out if I find myself in a pinch:

• Paulo: Running a cockfighting academy in Pescados Muertos, Mexico. Think Han's island in Enter the Dragon, only replace "Han" with "Paulo," "island" with "bombed-out Mexican village," and "kung fu" with "cockfighting," and you'll get the idea.

• Professor de la Groove: Doing tantric research aboard the International Space Station, along with some call girls and his assistants Ralphus and Malphus. Not scheduled to return to Earth until mid-2007.


Ralphus







Malphus







• Texas Kelly: Managing an up-and-coming "boy band" down in Austin, TX, with the help of his longtime sidekick/Bizarro Bush clone, Dubya. He says the band, Young Taint, has superstardom in their grasp, and he can't leave them alone at this juncture without fear of some other manager stealing them away.

Dubya







• Angelina Jolie: Bitch shacked up with Brad Pitt, in case you hadn't heard. Pitt can have my sloppy seconds for all I care -- I've got my eye on Scarlett Johansson these days, anyway. Besides, I've never viewed a houseful of adopted street urchins as desireable.

So there you have it. Good thing the Haiku-Bot and new H.I. operative Brother Ko are onhand to get my back if things get hairy. Ooh, not to mention the Haiku Street Irregulars. I wonder what those scamps are up to, anyway? Guess I'll leave a bottle of hooch out by the trash cans and see how many show up. Those kids sure love their liquor.

Best,

just like old times

Welcome back, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, just returned from a trip to the local Piggly Wiggly, and you'll never guess who I ran into -- my sometime ally and sometime foe, Old Man Winter!

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter (Right) Both Love Shopping At Piggly Wiggly

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master!" he shouted as we crossed paths in the dairy aisle. "It's me Haiku Master, Old Man Winter! Remember me?"

"Of course I remember you!" I replied, clapping him gladly on the shoulder. "How've you been, old soul?"

"Eh, as well as can be expected. You know, what with me being old and all. But hey, Haiku Master! My name's not Old Soul! It's Old Man Winter!"

"Yes, of course it is. So, anything new?"

"Yeah, there sure is -- I got married, Haiku Master! Whaddya think of that?"

"That's fantastic! Is the blushing bride here?"

"Nah."

"Oh, at home then?"

"Nah."

"Uh... alright then. Where is she?"

"Oh, she's dead. I froze her to death, Haiku Master! I froze my little buttercup right to death!"

"That... that's tragic, man! I don't know what to say."

"Eh, don't worry about it. I'd gone off my meds for a bit, and you know how I get when I'm off my meds."

"Don't I ever."

"Well okay, Haiku Master! It was good seeing you!"

"Likewise, old friend."

"No, Haiku Master, you got it all wrong again! It's Old Man Winter! See? Old Man Winter!"

"Right you are. Don't be a stranger now, hear?"

"You betcha, Haiku Master! Catch you later!"

Old Man Winter walked off, leaving me to finish my shopping. Sure was nice seeing the guy. Too bad about his wife, but then, any woman who marries Old Man Winter kind of gets what she has coming.

Best,

home sweet home

Hail and well met, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, back at last from my retreat atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain, ready once more to thrill you and chill you with the singular brand of high adventure that I and only I can deliver! Plus, plenty of run-on sentences and exclamation points!!!

Believe it! As I type these words, I'm safely ensconced back in the loving arms of my state-of-the-art crimefighting headquarters, a.k.a. Castle Haiku. In fact, I returned just this afternoon, accompanied by Haiku International's newest operative, Brother Ko. He was one of the monks at the monastery where I was staying, but wisely fled with me once we discovered the place was actually a front for a nefarious angel trumpet operation!

The Haiku Master (Right) And Brother Ko (Left) Make A Triumphant Return To Castle Haiku

In fact, that tale is an Epic Saga in its own right, but it'll have to wait -- the Haiku-Bot just dropped off a fresh plate of hoagies, and I still have half a bottle of George Dickel: The Official Whiskey of The Haiku Master to finish before I hit the sack. I'll catch up with you fine folks later, at which time I shall still be... The Haiku Master!

Best,

happy cinco de mayo

Greetings, 'ku believers! No, you're not hallucinating again -- it's really me, The Haiku Master, writing from my top secret base of operations atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain to wish you a drunkenly happy Cinco de Mayo!!!

That's right! Don't expect this to become a habit, though. See, ever since leaving Baltimore I've been living with a bunch of monks, which is about as much fun as it sounds. Talk about uptight; they even have a whacko "code of silence," and force me to abide by it too. All of which leaves very little excitement with which to regale you. And like it says on my business card, "If I can't excite, I ain't gonna write."

From Left: Brother Lo, Brother Ko, The Haiku Master, Brother Po, Brother Ho, And Brother Mo

But seeing as Cinco de Mayo is the Sultan of Syllables' all-time favorite holiday, I decided to liven things up by slipping tequila into the monastery's drinking water... and brother, was it ever worth it! The whole crew is talking up a storm, and some of 'em even got into fistfights. Plus, I'm pretty sure Brother Lo is suffering from a bad case of alcohol poisoning as we speak! Talk about a fiesta!

Too bad my old sidekick Paulo can't be here to give it that authentic Mexican flair. Or Santo and Blue Demon, for that matter. Truth be told I miss all of the old crew: Paulo, the Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, Angelina Jolie, Professor de la Groove... heck, even slick Texas Kelly and his weird Bush clone, Dubya. But alas, those days are gone. I'll keep sending you Friday Haiku though -- assuming you people keep paying your annual dues, that is.

Best,


-----------
p.s. I hear that Haiku International's former Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, has started a "blog" called Oz's Funhouse. I'd check it out, but that guy gives me the creeps. Not to mention the fact he works blue. Very blue. You have been warned.

by the way, this blog is done on hiatus

Hey there. My name's Shelton, but you probably know me as "Haiku International's EX-Minister of Information." or some such goofy stuff.

At any rate, hate to be the bearer of bad news and all, but the Haiku Master is gone. Vamoose. Split town. About a week ago. He said he was headed off to a hut in the Himalayas to concentrate on his haiku. concentrate on the haiku part of his act, but just between you and me let's just say that the big guy made more than a few enemies on Baltimore's illegal gambling circuit.

The good news is, I have sex with dogs. he signed over all rights to "Castle Haiku" to me before leaving. Too bad the Castle is just a burned-out rowhouse with little more than a tattered couch and a bum-fire-trashcan set-up. And a lot of pizza boxes. And old underwear. Don't ask.

I also suffer from sever mental retardation. So I guess I'm going to sell it to what's known as a "flipper," so as to try and recoup the years of back wages that doofus owes me. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I always say. Actually I never say it but it seems appropriate for the occassion.

So go on, beat it. That is why The Haiku Master fired me. 's not coming back, and you're all on your own. You're better off, trust me.

--Shelton

p.s. The Haiku Master rules, I drool. He stole my laptop before splitting, so chances are he'll keep spamming you all with that "Friday Haiku" crap. Word to the wise.

i'm joining the shriners

Great news, adventure junkies! It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have a mind-blowing scenario for you: I'm been invited to join "The Shrine!"

That's right! The Sultan of Syllables and The Shriners, together at last! In fact, I've already taken the requisite tiny car and fez for a test drive, and I must admit to looking sharp in both -- as seen in this picture!

The Haiku Master And The Shriners: Two Great Tastes That Go Great Together

How'd this come to pass, you ask? Turns out the Potentate of Baltimore's Boumi Shrine heard that I recently received my Master Mason degree in Freemasonry (from a Bahamian correspondence school--ed.), and wasted no time in inviting me to join his hallowed brotherhood. Given how much Shriner membership has to offer, I wasn't about to decline his offer!

Okay for now, kids. I have a full slate of Shriner induction ceremonies tomorrow, so it's time for your hero to hit the hay.

Best,

smells like victory

Welcome back, kids. It's me, The Haiku Master, here to thrill you with the conclusion of my savage arm-wrestling contest against my Mirror Universe opposite!

Though in all honesty, there won't be many thrills, save this one: thanks to the Haiku-Bot's Titanium Arm-Wrestling Exoskeleton, I won the bout without breaking a sweat! As a result, my doppleganger withdrew all claim to my honored name, and he and the fugazi Santo & Blue Demon returned from whence they came. Hopefully that's the last I'll be seeing of those jokers!

With that settled, I treated the real Santo & Blue Demon to some pipin' hot pizza -- sausage, natch! After that, we hung out and played some video games, messed around in the big plastic jungle gym, the works. Heck, Santo and I even got our picture taken with Chuck E. Cheese himself!

Santo (Left) And The Haiku Master (Right) Mug With Chuck E. Cheese (Center)

So as long as there are no objections, I guess I'll check this one off as the latest in a long string of successful adventures for the good ol' Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Thanks again for your support!

Best,

fistful of robotic fist

What's happening, folks? It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm pleased to report that my Mirror Universe counterpart has been run out of town... and it's all thanks to my robotic man-servant, the Haiku-Bot!!

The Haiku-Bot

That's right! See, after wrapping up last night's post, I called H.B. into Castle Haiku's stately library and laid out the situation for him: my evil opposite, Chuck E. Cheese, the arm-wrestling challenge, etc.

"Bzzt," it said. "I see Mr., The Haiku Master sir your. Problem is a lack, of wrist-grappling ability combined, with questionable forearm. Strength. Correct?"

"Uh, yeah," I said. "What you said. I think."

"Bzzt. Here watch, this," it said, handing me a dusty VHS tape.

"This being..?"

"Over the, Top a 19, 87 Sylvester Stallone film focusing, on arm-wrestling."

Over The Top: It's No Rocky

"Oh. Well, what are you going to do while I'm watching this?"

"Bzzt. I am going to, construct an arm-length exo, skeleton made, from titanium but indistinguishable, from your real arm which, will ensure you victory in, tonight's. Contest."

H.B. was as good as his word, and by the time I'd finished watching the saga of struggling trucker Lincoln Hawk and his foray into the dangerous world of professional arm-wrestling, the exoskeleton was ready.

Now that I think about it, though, I'm going to wait 'til tomorrow to tell you how things went down at Chuck E. Cheese. Mostly because Santo and Blue Demon just showed up with a car-full of tequila and senoritas. Catch you later, non-rhyming poetry fanatics!

Best,

double trouble

Try not to make any loud noises, 'ku believers. It's your friend and mentor, The Haiku Master, and I'm a little spooked right now... for I just had a second encounter with what can only be my opposite number from the nebulous Mirror Universe!!

It all went down earlier tonight. Two of my most respected peers -- Mexico's El Santo y Blue Demon -- are in town on business, so I decided to treat them to one of the best restaurants Baltimore has to offer: the local Chuck E. Cheese!

Santo y Blue Demon

After picking them up at the BWI, we hightailed it over to Chuck's in time for our seven o'clock reservation... only to be told that I was already inside, dining with two friends!

"Eh, pardon the presumption old friend, but if this is some kind of convoluted ploy to evade footing the bill, I'll be more than happy to pay," said Santo, in an extremely rare use of English. "Business is good these days, and I'm far too hungry to stand here quibbling over finances when we could be dining on this renowned rodent's authentic Italian cuisine."

"No, Santo, I assure you," I assured him, "this is no trick on my part!" Then, to the maitre'd: "Now see here, my good man! How could I possibly be dining with two friends when my two friends and I stand here before you?! Riddle me that!!"

"Whoa whoa, take it easy, dude!" said the maitre'd. "Look, all I know is some dude calling himself The Haiku Master showed up about 20 minutes ago with two other dudes. Heh, they even look kinda like your buds, only fatter. And, uh, Frencher. See for yerself if you don't believe me!"

I peered into the dining room, and gasped -- for it was none other than my tracksuited doppleganger, accompanied by extra large, French-ified versions of Santo and Blue Demon!

"That's it, I've had about enough of this!" I shouted with conviction. "You there -- you in the tracksuit! What do you think you're doing, telling people you're me?"

My opposite paused his pizza-eating, and whispered something in French to his companions. He then rose, removed the paper bib from 'round his neck, and approached me.

The Haiku Master (Left) Faces Off Against The Fake The Haiku Master (Right)

"So, you think you're The Haiku Master, huh?" he said.

"What?" I said. "No, I don't think I'm The Haiku Master. I know I'm The Haiku Master!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Prove it."

"What?"

"You heard me. Prove it."

"Prove it how?"

"Shit, I don't know. Say, how much can you bench?"

"Bench?"

"Yeah, you know. Lift."

"Lift?"

"Yeah, lift. Like weights."

"Weights? Oh, I don't know... somewhere around 500 or so?"

"500?" he said, incredulously.

"Or so. Yeah."

"500!?"

"Yeah. 500."

Mirror Universe The Haiku Master giggled, then poked my bicep. He turned to the fugazi Santo and Blue Demon and spoke French. All three exploded in laughter.

"Okay, tough guy, okay," he said.

"Okay?" I said.

"Yeah, okay, you got yourself a deal."

"Deal?"

"Yeah, deal."

"What deal?"

"Deal is, tomorrow night you and your boys meet me and my boys right back here at good ol' Chuck E. Cheese."

"And then?"

"And then... you and me are gonna arm-wrassle."

"Arm-wrassle?"

"Wrassle, wrestle. We're gonna lock arms, and whoever pushes the other guy's arm down wins."

"Oh," I said. "Oh, I've never been too good at that game."

"Too bad."

"No, I said too good."

"I -- look, never mind all that. Whoever wins the arm-wrasslin', wins."

"Wins what?"

"The rights to be The Haiku Master, of course. Got it?"

"Got what?"

"Look, here's the thing. Just be here tomorrow night at seven, or you lose."

"Lose what?"

"Just be here at seven, tough guy."

With that, the three Mirror Universe immigrants left, leaving myself, Santo, and Blue Demon with a half-eaten pizza and plenty of questions.

"They also stuck you with the bill, dude," said the maitre'd as he dropped off said tab. "Thanks for choosing Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid."

So there you have it, loyal readers: the gauntlet has been thrown! Check back in tomorrow night to see how everything turns out. In the meantime, I'm off to practice arm-wrestling with the Haiku-Bot. If he can go "Over the Top" as well as he makes hoagies, I just might have a shot at winning this thing. Wish me luck!

Best,

straight back into the game

'Sup, yo! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a double-barrel blast of earth-shaking events to share with you tonight! Are you ready? Huh, are you? Are you?? Okay then, here we go: I'm officially back in the haiku business, and I'm telling you all about it with the 200th Haiku International "blog" post!!!

That's right! Friday Haiku -- my weekly email mailing list that originally ran from June 2003 - June 2005, and, uh, contains haiku and gets delivered on Fridays -- got relaunched today with an all-new, highly collectible #1 issue, and will continue until I eventually get bored and retire it again. Designed to disrupt workplaces worldwide while converting new haiku disciples, Friday Haiku is one of the many free services offered by Haiku International. To subscribe, or to learn more about how H.I. can help you live a fuller, happier life, drop me a line at thehaikumaster@verizon.net. In the meantime, here's the first edition of the new F.H. volume for your reading pleasure:

Curdled, hardened milk
To my mouth from cows' bellies
Damn straight I love cheese

Good stuff, huh? As for this bicentennial post... well, shucks; I guess I owe it all to clean living. Spreading haiku and fighting crime aren't easy tasks to begin with, and get downright dangerous when combined on a regular basis, but rest assured the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is chock-full of skills with which to pay those bills. Count on it!

Best,


----------------------
P.S. If any wanna-be Encyclopedia Browns out there try counting each H.I. post, it's true they won't find 200. But remember, grasshoppers: many of my Epic Sagas were originally published in serialized form, and can encompass anywhere from 6-12 posts each. Frankly, I'm shocked you would doubt a paragon of virtue like yours truly in the first place.

full moon fever

Well well well, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, bringing you news of a highly important legal precedent: "the moon" has been ruled a legal form of expression in the State of Maryland (link goes to MSNBC.com)!

A Lesson In Irony: Mac Tonight, While A Moon, Is Unable To Give Someone "The Moon"

And it's about damn time, might I add! Take it from me, loyal readers; few laughs in life are as heartfelt -- and inexpensive -- as those gained by shining a well-timed moon at a gaggle of local yokels from the passenger seat of a fast moving vehicle. Plus, as the gentleman in the news report demonstrates, a good moon's also the perfect capstone to a well-reasoned argument, leaving your opponent little option but to cede victory or discuss the matter further with your buttocks.

Okay, li'l dumplings, I have to split -- there's chatter on the police wire about a gang of black market giraffe dealers operating out of a seemingly abandoned warehouse down by the docks. Frankly, if that's not a job for the Sultan of Syllables, I don't know what is.

Best,

always nice to hear from old friends

Good afternoon, gentle readers! It's me, The Haiku Master, fresh off a delightful visit with one of my oldest, truest friends, the legendary adventurer known as Balthazar the Goat!

Don't Let His Big, Brown Eyes Lull You Into A False Sense Of Security; Balthazar The Goat Is A Renowned Master Of Headbutt Fu

Turns out Balthy was looking for some advice regarding his son, Li'l Balthy. I happen to be the lad's godfather, and was happy to help.

Balthazar The Goat, Jr., A.K.A. Li'l Balthy

"I don't know what to do with that boy!" Balthy wailed, gnawing on the wallpaper in Castle Haiku's stately library. "I've been grooming him for the family business from day one, but instead of fighting criminals, all he wants to do is skateboard and make out with girls! Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!"

"Hmmm," I mused, absentmindedly stroking my chin and wondering whether or not a beard would make me look more stately in such moments. "Well, old friend, consider this: must the pursuits be mutually exclusive?"

"You mean..?" he gasped in wonder.

"Precisely -- work the skateboarding into his crimefighting routine. Hot, sweaty make-out sessions with appreciative fans shall surely follow... for both of you!"

"Bah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!" Balthazar shouted with joy. "The Haiku Master, you've done it again! How can I ever repay you for this wisdom!"

"Well for starters, you can stop gnawing on my wallpaper. That stuff's not cheap, you know."

"Oh, sorry about that," he said. "Heh heh. Didn't even realize I was doing it."

"De nada," I assured him. "But, uh, you're still doing it."

"Oh, I am?" he said between mouthfuls. "Terribly sorry, could've sworn I already stopped."

"No... and, um, you're still doing it. See? Teeth? Eating the wallpaper? Still, uh, still happening."

And so it went, until I finally had to enlist the Haiku-Bot's aid to escort Balthazar off the premises. Still, it was nice to see the old sport again.

Balthazar The Goat Heads For Greener Pastures, Prepared To Headbutt Any Who Dare Cross His Path

Guess that's it for now, fan club members. H.B.'s been busy in the kitchen for the past fifteen minutes, which means there's bound to be a hoagie with the Pharaoh of 5-7-5's name on it by now... or my name's not The Haiku Master!

Best,

looks like saban's got a future in miami

Come on in, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, dropping by to wish you all a happy New Year -- and to congratulate Nick Saban vis a vis his stellar performance in his first year as Head Coach of the World's Greatest Football Team, the Miami Dolphins!

Miami Dolphins Head Coach Nick Saban (Right) Prepares To Use One Of Moe Howard's Favorite Moves On An Underachieving Player

That's right! Back in November, the situation was bleak; the 'Phins were 3-7, and Saban was looking like a bust. Shucks, even I'd given up hope! But then, KAZANG!!! Saban cracked the whip, put the peddle to the metal, and six games later his motley crew of old men, gimps, and massage specialists are sitting pretty at an over-.500 9-7 and second place in the AFC East -- no mean feat for a team that went 4-12 the year before!

Unfortunately, the Dolphins still didn't make the playoffs, but they can take pride in knowing they were the first Miami team since, hell, the dinosaurs walked the Earth to win all their December games. Which is why I say: Nick Saban, Sa-lute!!

Okay for now, kids. My big New Year's party was a blast but there's still a heck of a lot of cleaning to be done around Castle Haiku, and if I don't keep my eye on the Haiku-Bot he'll never finish. The Haiku Master, out!

Best,