one if bin laden, two if haiku, pt. I

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CHAPTER I

Greetings, friends. It is I, The Haiku Master -- beckoning you with another tale of real-life HIGH ADVENTURE!!!

For years, the world’s -- well, the Western world’s -- intelligence agencies have been tirelessly hunting the most infamous of super-villains, Osama bin Laden. But now, with the help of my crack support staff, I’ve tracked him to the one place no sane person would ever think to look: Minneapolis, MN!

That’s right -- not the City of Caves, nor the City of Deserts, nor even the City of Turbans, but the City of Lakes! Could that fiend be any more diabolical???

Regardless, a 747 bearing yours truly was soon touching down at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. After signing the inevitable round of autographs for a throng of waiting fans, I was whisked away via taxi to the local Motel 6; the Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master.

Motel 6: The Only Motel Chain Endorsed By The Haiku Master

Then, the real work started. Phone in one hand and a stiff glass of George Dickel No. 12 in the other, I started calling some local contacts: cops, pimps, hustlers, street preachers, and even an unusually trustworthy hotdog vendor. But no luck -- if Osama was in town, they hadn't seen him.

Feeling defeated, I pulled a fresh smoking jacket and ascot from my luggage, and hit the streets to clear my head. Not knowing where else to go, I decided to try a nearby coffee house recommended by my close, personal friend -- and Minneapolis native -- Prince: Purgatory Coffee.

Once there, I could see why P (as his close, personal friends call him) gave Purgatory his Royal Seal of Approval; it was truly the finest coffee shop I'd ever seen! Inside was even better -- especially when my eyes got to the cutie pie working the counter!

"Hi!" she said. Heather, according to her name tag. "Can I help you?"

"Ah-gah-gah-gah," I said, tongue firmly tied as it always is in the presence of pretty girls. "G-gah-gah!"

Fortunately, I was saved from further self-embarrassment...for at that very moment, the nefarious Osama bin Laden himself stormed into the coffee shop, followed by an entourage of would-be tough guys in slick leather turbans!

"All praise to Allah!" he shouted. "I claim this infidel house of coffee worship in the name of my people's glorious battle against the Great Satan! Henceforth, it shall be known as 'Paradise Coffee!'

"Now, all you infidels, get out of my place and spread the word: Osama bin Laden shall take control of every coffee house in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area if your President does not call for an immediate surrender to the holy forces of Islam!"

If Osama Bin Laden Has His Way, Every Cup Of Coffee Sold In The Minneapolis-St. Paul Area Will Bear His Image

Looks like things are about to get down and dirty -- or my name's not The Haiku Master!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'ONE IF BIN LADEN, TWO IF HAIKU' PT. II---