final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. VI

***
CHAPTER VI

The R.A.H. Squadron made their move, storming the building with manic shouts of "Yo Joe!" But we seven -- myself, Joe, The Commando, Air Adventurer, Sea Adventurer, Man of Action, and Mike Power a.k.a. The Amazing Atomic Man -- were ready for them, having reaffirmed our belief in that fair notion of "all for one, and one for all!"

We gathered in the center of the briefing room in a star-shaped defensive formation so as to best strike at our enemies with our combined arsenal of kung fu, Haikung Fu, big frikkin' guns, and the like.

In the flash of an eye, the R.A.H.ers were on us, swarming like roaches. There were dozens of them, wearing gaudy uniforms emblazoned with goofy sounding names such as "Beachhead," "Nunchuk," "Wild Bill," "Shipwreck," "Big Ben," "Sergeant Slaughter," etcetera.

I will not lie to you -- the battle that ensued was glorious, a veritable cacophony of blood, guts, and brains that sent many a warrior soul to Valhalla. Better still, the Adventure Team suffered no casualties... as the R.A.H.ers proved to be the worst shots since Hinckley! Seemingly incapable of controlling their weapons, their bullets flew harmlessly over our heads, making it that much easier to mow them down like the dogs they were.

With his platoon all but gone, the R.A.H. leader soon found himself face-to-face with Joe, who was threatening him with a bloodstained knife!

"I'm warning you, stand back!" the leader said nervously. "Stand back or I'll shoot!"

"Go ahead, Duke, do your worst," said Joe.

The R.A.H. leader fired -- and as expected, the bullet sailed right over Joe's head! Joe struck, gutting Duke like a fish!

"That," Joe grunted, forcefully pulling his knife from Duke's gizzard, "is for telling people I don't exist, you 3 3/4" plastic turd!"

Duke slid to the floor, and the fight was finished -- another day saved by the one and only Adventure Team.

R.A.H.ers Like This Joker Made A Huge Tactical Error In Tussling With The Adventure Team

"God-damn, that felt good!" huffed The Commando, who had stripped off his shirt and was drenched in R.A.H. blood. "Those little wimps had that coming for a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time!"

"Tell me about it!" said Mike Power. "It was a real treat to flex my amazing atomic arm... around some Real American necks!"

"Yeah," agreed Air Adventurer. "We'll probably have to go on the lam as fugitives from justice, A-Team style, but damn if it wasn't worth it!"

"A-Team style...," Joe teased, "...or Adventure Team style, eh? Eh?"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" asked Man of Action.

"I don't know," said Joe. "But if you think I'm saying we should get a heavily armed motor home and criscross the world in search of... adventure... then, yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. Now who's with me, Adventure Team? All for one and..."

"...ONE FOR ALL!!!" everyone else shouted, throwing their hands on top of Joe's. Everyone, that is, except yours truly.

"Uh, sorry guys," I said. "It was great seeing you all again, but I really should be going. Got a, uh, dentist appointment next Tuesday that I can't miss."

"Well no offense, but who asked you?" said Joe. "For that matter, who are you?"

"Who am I?" I asked, surprised. "I'm The Haiku Master! Remember? You asked me to come help you fight the pygmy gorilla!?"

"Haiku Master?" muttered Man of Action. "I don't remember a Haiku Master... I remember The Astronaut. Did he write haikus?"

"Did he write haiku," I corrected.

"Oh, now I recognize you," said Joe. "You're Chuck Bukowski's sidekick, Wart. Right? I didn't know Chuck was here -- where is that old son of a gun?"

"No! Chu... Sensei Bukowski died years ago, and the whole Cobra Kai Haiku Order was annihilated shortly thereafter. I'm the one and only Haiku Master these days."

The Late Haiku Master Charles Bukowski (1920-1994) Briefly Served With The Adventure Team In The 1970s, But Never Rated An Action Figure

"Oh, sorry about that. I'm an old man, and get easily confused," Joe offered.

"That's alright..."

At that precise moment, who should walk in but Emmanuel Lewis himself. True to Joe's word, he was wearing a pygmy gorilla suit, but held the heavy head mask in his tiny little hands.

"Sweet Mother of Moses!" he squeaked. "I've been sitting in that jungle for six hours now, Joe, and I won't take no more! Now pay up -- I'm out of here!"

And oh, how we laughed.

***
EPILOGUE

With that, the Adventure Team was off -- presumably to purchase a heavily armed motor home. As for myself, I returned to my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs to fight crime, write haiku, and reflect on my latest adventure. Or maybe re-read the first new issue of Grimjack for the seventh time and take a nap. One or the other.

When I finally got back, though, my phone was ringing off the hook; seemed the neighbor's dog had gotten itself stuck in a tree again. Ah, well! Rest is always at arm's reach when you're me... The Haiku Master!

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. V

***
CHAPTER V

No doubt about it, Adventure Team Headquarters was under attack -- and to make matters worse, Joe had gone stark raving mad!

"No, not them!" he gasped, still pointing his pistol at The Commando's head. "Why does it have to be them?"

"Giant ants!?!" I asked, incredulously. "Awesome! I've never fought giant ants before!"

"Giant ants don't yell 'Yo Joe!,' boy!" Man of Action barked. "Only one bunch of pansy-assed yahoos use that term."

The Haiku Master Thought He'd Have An Opportunity To Fight Giant Ants, But Was Wrong

"You mean..." started Air Adventurer.

"...our successors," finished Sea Adventurer.

"Successors my ass!" added The Commando. "Cheap imitators is more like it -- look how many of 'em it takes to get a job done! Can't believe they call themselves 'Real American Heroes."

"ADVENTURE TEAM!" boomed a voice via an outside PA system. "THIS IS THE R.A.H. SQUADRON! WE HAVE YOUR BASE SURROUNDED, AND HAVE NEUTRALIZED YOUR POWER SUPPLY!"

"Yeah, 'Real American Zeros' is more like it!" guffawed Man of Action. "Haw, haw!"

"I mean, how good could they be?" said Mike Power. "There's not... an Amazing Atomic Man!... in the lot!"

"WE HAVE NO QUARREL WITH MOST OF YOU -- WE JUST WANT JOE. ANYTHING HE'S TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PYGMY GORILLA IS A LIE. GIVE HIM UP, AND THE REST OF YOU CAN GO IN PEACE."

"Well, well, well, Joe, looks like I ain't the only one what wants to bust you upside the head," The Commando said.

At that point, we saw something we'd have previously written off as impossible: Joe dropped his gun, slid to the ground next to the briefing room's podium, put his head in his hands... and started to cry. Big, blubbery, wracking sobs; a real embarrassing scene, to be sure.

"Oh gah--! Gah! I... I'm s-s-s-so s-sorry! S-s-so sorry! I m-made it up! Made it all up! Even hired Emmanuel Lewis to hide in the jungle in a pygmy ape suit, just so... just so... just so I could see all of you again! Just to feel alive again!"

"Say what?" The Commando said in disbelief. "Emmanuel Lewis? In a pygmy ape suit? Hiding in the woods? That has got to me some of the -- no, that is the craziest, most messed-up thing I have ever heard of, man! And all because--"

"ADVENTURE TEAM!" came the PA again.

"All because you're--"

"YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO EITHER GIVE UP JOE OR EXIT THE PREMISES. AFTER THAT, WE'RE COMING IN!"

"All because you're lonely and living in a shitty nursing home? Shit, Joe, you and me were brothers -- why didn't you just call me up and say you needed a hand? I woulda been glad to help."

The other Adventure Team members quickly concurred. Even Power, who added, "If nothing else, I could have built an amazing atomic companion for you. Been thinking of whipping one up for myself!"

"Guys, you have no idea how much that means to me," said a humbled Joe. "Looks like I've still got a lot to learn about the meaning of 'all for one and one for all,' huh? But right now, I think I better go outside before I get you in any more trouble than I already have."

"Just outta curiosity, Joe, what do they want you for?" Air Adventurer asked, cooly smoking a cigarette. "I mean, besides making up a pygmy gorilla threat and giving Emmanuel Lewis his first paying gig in years."

"Well, uh, the equipment I got for us to use on this mission. I sort of... borrowed it... from the R.A.H. base..."

Man of Action leapt forward. "It's no crime for a commander to arm his men!" he shouted. "If they want you, they'll have to go through me first!"

"They'll have to go through all of us, Man of Action -- the whole big, bad Adventure Team itself," said The Commando, extending his right hand, palm down. "Are you with us, Joe?"

"I'm with you, all right," Joe confirmed, planting his hand on top of The Commando's. "Let's hear it... partners! All for one and..."

A wave of hands, my own included, rushed to join this brave alliance, and we gladly took up the Adventure Team's time-honored battlecry: "...ONE FOR ALL!!!"

"ADVENTURE TEAM, YOUR FIVE MINUTES ARE UP!" the R.A.H.s challenged from outside. "WE'RE COMING IN!"

And just like that, the "H" was "O."

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FINAL HUNT FOR THE PYGMY GORILLA' PT. VI---

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. IV

***
CHAPTER IV

Once inside, Joe took us to AT HQ's main briefing room, where another batch of older, familiar faces awaited.

As I set my bags down on the stone floor, they rose to greet me: Man of Action, Air Adventurer, The Commando -- even Sea Adventurer, looking out of place as always without his motorized raft. But someone was missing...

"Hey," I said. "Where's Bulletman? You know, the Human Bullet?"

"He met his match in Vestman the Human Bulletproof Vest," Joe told me somberly. "I tried to warn him, but he just wouldn't listen..." Then, to everyone: "Okay men, now that we're all here let's get to the matter at hand."

Bulletman The Human Bullet Met His Match In Vestman The Human Bulletproof Vest

"'Bout damn time," Sea Adventurer muttered. "Things go right down the crapper at my seafood restaurant every time I'm outta town, so the sooner I get back the better!"

"Seafood restaurant?" The Commando scoffed. "You mean that Long John Silver's franchise of yours? Shit, I guarantee my brokerage firm makes more in a week than you do in a whole year of selling greasy-ass fishsticks and such."

"What the--?!? I'm gonna shove a fishstick up your greasy ass, you--!"

"Settle down--," Joe started, but was immediately interrupted by Air Adventurer.

"They kinda got a point, Joe," he said. "I'd much rather be making time with the nurses at the V.A. hospital than hanging around in the woods with you yahoos. No offense intended."

"Yeah!" added Man of Action. "Let's get going here. I, uh -- I hate sitting!"

"Enough!" Joe shouted. "If you goldbrickers would pipe down for two seconds, going is exactly where I would get! Now sit down, shut up, and pay attention!!!"

With all eyes on him, Joe took the podium.

"Right then. Thirty-five years ago, the Adventure Team undertook a mission codenamed 'Capture of the Pygmy Gorilla.' During which, of course, we rescued an African pygmy village from a rampaging, presumably evil, pygmy gorilla."

"I remember that," I heard The Commando mutter to Air Adventurer. "That shit made no sense. I mean, sending in a badass paramilitary strike team to take out a midget ape?"

"Commando..." Joe said.

"Alright, alright," said The Commando.

The Dreaded Pygmy Gorilla

"At any rate, the mission was a success. After the pygmy gorilla was secured, it was brought to a top secret government lab for further study. But its story doesn't end there."

"Lucky for us," Sea Adventurer sneered.

"Having ran a full battery of tests on the pygmy gorilla, the top secret lab determined it wasn't evil at all, simply hungry, and eventually released it to the relative freedom of Florida's Lion Country Safari. But the other Safari inhabitants never took to the strange creature, and it soon found itself in mortal danger.

"Fortunately, I had been monitoring its situation, and called the team into action for the mission codenamed 'Rescue the Pygmy Gorilla.' During which, of course, we rescued the pygmy gorilla."

"Which was even stupider!" The Commando said.

"Indeed it was, Commando. For as I've recently learned, the lab was wrong all along -- I was wrong! The pygmy gorilla is evil, and now has the domination of Earth within its grasp! Which is exactly why I've called you all together for one last mission, codenamed... 'Final Hunt for the Pygmy Gorilla!'"

Suddenly, brassy patriotic music began to drift into Headquarters through hidden speakers, amplifying the wind-up to Joe's pitch.

"The Adventure Team will again be stronger and the world safer because of us, men, even if it means we go out in an awe-inspiring blaze of glory instead of rusting away in some crappy retirement home where the male orderlies rifle through your care packages and won't clean you up when you have the occassional accident during naptime! Now let me hear you, Adventure Team: All for one and one for all!"

"Man, this is bullshit!" The Commando shouted, rising from his seat in anger. "Bu-u-u-lshit, you old jive turkey motherfu--!"

A crazed look in his eyes, Joe pulled a high-caliber pistol from the waistband of his fatigues. In less time than it took to say, "Whoa!," he had it cocked and pointed at The Commando's head.

"I said all for one and one for all, mister! All for one and one for all! ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!!!"

Right about then, an explosion rocked Adventure Team Headquarters. The lights flickered, then went out, and I heard scores of voices screaming in unison outside: "Yo, Joe!!!"

Which, as it turned out, wasn't caused by a mob of Joe fanatics hoping to see their idol.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FINAL HUNT FOR THE PYGMY GORILLA' PT. V---

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. III

***
CHAPTER III

Power and I walked in silence to the Adventure Team jeep parked outside. He took the wheel... but not before telling yours truly to don a silk blindfold!

"I'm not a kid sidekick anymore, Power." I snarled. "I'm not covering my eyes this time."

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger," he said. "This was Joe's idea, not mine."

"Jesus, fine! Give me the damn blindfold!"

As I tied the cloth 'round my face, Power gunned the jeep's engine and sped out of the airport parking lot. We drove for what seemed an eternity down roads with more bumps than all the nightclub bathrooms in Manhattan combined.

The Official Adventure Team Jeep

"I don't remember it taking this long the last time I was here," I muttered after hour three.

"The bridge is out," Power replied. "Had to take a detour. What's the matter, is your non-atomic bladder in need of a restroom?"

"No. Just feels like my ass is about to fall off, that's all."

"Heh-heh. Yeah, with a road this rocky, I'd probably feel the same way... had I not built a fantastic new atomic ass for myself a few years back! Maybe you should look into getting one."

"Maybe I will."

Finally, when I thought I could take no more, the jeep rolled to a stop. "All right, you crybaby, we're here," Power said. "Now get your gear and let's--"

"What in the name of all for one and one for all took you two so long?" barked a gruff voice.

I pulled off my blindfold and saw "Ol' Eagle Eyes" himself marching straight towards us. He was older, balder, and grayer to be sure, but it was definitely Joe.

"I expected you back hours ago, Power!," he shouted.

He May Be Past His Prime, But The Fabled Leader Of The Adventure Team Can Still Kung Fu Grip With The Best Of Them

"Sorry, Joe," Power answered. "The uh, bridge was out. Had to uh, take a detour..."

"Bridge? What bridge? What in the Sam Hill are you talking about, man? And why was H.M. blindfolded?"

"I, uh..."

"I knew it!" I fumed, winding up to deliver a devastating technique known as the Rusty Trumpet. "I knew you were #%$@ing with me, you self-loathing cyborg freak! Now I'm going to Haikung Fu those amazing atomic limbs of yours right down your amazing atomic pie hole!"

"Boy, boys!" Joe shouted, throwing himself between me and Power. "We can't let personal differences get in the way of our mission! Save it for our target: the pygmy gorilla. The filthy, evil pygmy gorilla!"

"All right, all right," I said, standing down. "But when this is done, Power, you and I are going to have words. And believe you me, you can count to the bank on that promise!"

With that, I snapped my fingers under Power's nose, then turned to follow Joe into Headquarters.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FINAL HUNT FOR THE PYGMY GORILLA' PT. IV---

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. II

***
CHAPTER II

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now making our final descent into Changi Airport."

This was the captain of the plane that was ferrying me, The Haiku Master, into Singapore, bellowing over the loudspeaker into the cramped coach section.

"At this time, we ask that you extinguish all smoking materials, fasten your seatbelts, and return your seatbacks and trays to the upright position."

Ah, Singapore. Despite its world-class slings, I never envisioned myself returning to this backwater burg... but then, I never expected to be contacted by the long-thought-dead field commander of the covert organization known only as the Adventure Team, either! And this man, Joe, had all but ordered me to report to Adventure Team headquarters, hidden deep in the jungles outside of town.

As I breezed through customs, though, I came to realize I had no clear idea as to the exact location of the AT HQ! The only other time I'd visited that fabled site was during my arduous Haiku Apprentice years, and Joe had insisted that my then-sensei, dearly departed Haiku Master Charles Bukowski, blindfold me for our journey to the base. How was I to find it now?

"Need a ride?" a coldly robotic voice asked from behind me. Whirling around in a Haikung Fu fighting stance, I found myself face-to-face with yet another blast from the past: Major Mike Power, the Amazing Atomic Man!

"Long time no see, eh Wart?" he said, thrusting his bizarre robotic right hand at me for a shake.

"Indeed, Mike," I replied. "But they don't call me Wart anymore; these days, I'm the one, true Haiku Master."

Major Mike Power, The Amazing Atomic Man, Was Good Enough To Meet The Haiku Master At Singapore's Changi Airport

"Well isn't that fancy," he said. "Maybe we should see how your much-vaunted haiku does... against my amazing atomic powers!"

"God, all this time and you still reek of insecurity!" I said. "Aren't you ever going to get over being born handicapped? Who pulls your strings, man?"

"I may have been born with disabled limbs, but having spent my entire life creating fantastic new atomic parts for my body, I've no doubt I'm more than a match for you, boy! Now grab your bags and let's go -- the commander's waiting!"

And so we went... but if Power didn't watch himself, he'd soon discover just how dangerous it was to mess with a certified Master of Haiku!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FINAL HUNT FOR THE PYGMY GORILLA' PT. III---

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. I

Click For Larger Image

***
CHAPTER I

Greetings, friends. It is I, The Haiku Master, back with another awe-inspiring tale of roughneck adventure culled directly from my singular life!

As the hepper amongst you already know, the greatest comic book series of all time -- Grimjack -- is back after a 15-year, lawyer-caused hiatus. I was at my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs, re-reading the first new issue for the sixth time when the phone rang.

“The Haiku Master residence,” I said, suavely. “The Haiku Master speaking.”

“H.M.,” said the gravelly voice on the other end of the line, sounding haunted. “It’s me... Joe.”

“Aw, Jesus -- not you!” I said. “It can’t be you. You’re dead! You were on the Intruders’ saucer when it exploded! Game over, man! Game over!”

“On the contrary, old friend, the game has only just begun,” Joe said. “It’s me alright -- though I wish to god it weren’t! The world’s in danger, H.M., terrible danger...”

“What danger, you bearded fool? What are you talking about?”

“The gorilla,” he said. “The damn, dirty pygmy gorilla! I was wrong about it, so wrong...and now the world's going to pay!”

“Alright, now slow down and take a deep breath -- what does the pygmy gorilla have to do with...”

“There’s no time,” he cried, “no time! This threat has to be nipped in the bud... and I’m putting the Adventure Team back together to do the nipping!”

“But how does that concern me? I was never even on the Adventure Team -- that was my sensei, Charles Bukowski.”

“Well then let’s hope you’ve got the feet to fill his sandals, H.M., 'cause I'm gonna need all the kung fu grips and eagle eyes I can get my hands on! I expect you at Headquarters by Friday, mister -- all for one and one for all!”

With a click, the line went dead. “Yeah, yeah, all for one and one for all, you dirty commie,” I muttered.

Well, this is certainly going to blow my weekend, loyal readers. But when the Adventure Team calls, one answers.

"Yes," I said, now speaking with a hot-sounding airline representative. "This is The Haiku Master. I'm going to need one ticket to Singapore, please."

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FINAL HUNT FOR THE PYGMY GORILLA' PT. II---