something's wrong with that robot

I'm glad you're here, fan club members! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm hoping you can help me with a problem.

It's the Haiku-Bot, see; he's been acting screwy ever since I got back from the Himalayas. For starters, he's taken to wearing a tough-looking sleeveless smoking jacket. He also appears to be more... roboty. If that's possible. With red, beady little eyes. But that's not what worries me.

The Haiku Master Can't Put His Finger On It, But Something's Different About The Haiku-Bot These Days

No, it's his attitude that really has me on edge. He barely does anything I ask him to, and when he does, it's always with a boat-load of lip! Then he spends all his free time in the basement, making phone calls that he refuses to discuss with me. Oh, and his once world-class hoagies? I think he's buying them from the gas station down the street!

All of which makes me think it might be time to send H.B. to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a tune-up. In the meantime, should you have any robot psychology tips, feel free to send 'em my way. I have a feeling I'm going to need them.

Best,

another day, another disappointment

Howdy ho, 'ku believers. It's me, The Haiku Master, still having no luck at getting once-trusted Haiku International operatives to flock to my banner now that I've returned. In fact, even H.I.'s former Minister of Operations & Defense Oswald "Oz" Carver turned me down!

Haiku International's Former Minister Of Operations & Defense, Oswald "Oz" Carver

"Carver residence," he said when I called earlier. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Oz?"

"Maybe. Who's this?"

"It's me, Oz -- H.M.!"

"Aych Em?"

"H.M.! You know, The Haiku Master!"

"Oh, you. What do you want? And make it fast, halfwit, I'm a busy man."

"Uh... well, as you probably expected, now that I'm back from the Himalayas--"

"You call this fast? Cut to the chase!"

"I--"

"While we're young!"

"Er--"

"Goddammit! Enough with the monkey noises! Speak, man! Speak!"

"Okay, okay! I'm relaunching Haiku International and was wondering..."

"Not! Interested! Good day to you, sir!"

"But--"

"I said 'good day to you, sir!' Now shove off!"

With that, he hung up. Or rather slammed the phone down, as my still-ringing ear can attest. What a jerk.

Oh well, I didn't really want his fat ass hanging around Castle Haiku again anyhow. And frankly, he scares me. As does his blog. Good riddance to bad rubbish as far as I'm concerned. Me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

home sweet home

Hail and well met, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, back at last from my retreat atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain, ready once more to thrill you and chill you with the singular brand of high adventure that I and only I can deliver! Plus, plenty of run-on sentences and exclamation points!!!

Believe it! As I type these words, I'm safely ensconced back in the loving arms of my state-of-the-art crimefighting headquarters, a.k.a. Castle Haiku. In fact, I returned just this afternoon, accompanied by Haiku International's newest operative, Brother Ko. He was one of the monks at the monastery where I was staying, but wisely fled with me once we discovered the place was actually a front for a nefarious angel trumpet operation!

The Haiku Master (Right) And Brother Ko (Left) Make A Triumphant Return To Castle Haiku

In fact, that tale is an Epic Saga in its own right, but it'll have to wait -- the Haiku-Bot just dropped off a fresh plate of hoagies, and I still have half a bottle of George Dickel: The Official Whiskey of The Haiku Master to finish before I hit the sack. I'll catch up with you fine folks later, at which time I shall still be... The Haiku Master!

Best,

happy cinco de mayo

Greetings, 'ku believers! No, you're not hallucinating again -- it's really me, The Haiku Master, writing from my top secret base of operations atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain to wish you a drunkenly happy Cinco de Mayo!!!

That's right! Don't expect this to become a habit, though. See, ever since leaving Baltimore I've been living with a bunch of monks, which is about as much fun as it sounds. Talk about uptight; they even have a whacko "code of silence," and force me to abide by it too. All of which leaves very little excitement with which to regale you. And like it says on my business card, "If I can't excite, I ain't gonna write."

From Left: Brother Lo, Brother Ko, The Haiku Master, Brother Po, Brother Ho, And Brother Mo

But seeing as Cinco de Mayo is the Sultan of Syllables' all-time favorite holiday, I decided to liven things up by slipping tequila into the monastery's drinking water... and brother, was it ever worth it! The whole crew is talking up a storm, and some of 'em even got into fistfights. Plus, I'm pretty sure Brother Lo is suffering from a bad case of alcohol poisoning as we speak! Talk about a fiesta!

Too bad my old sidekick Paulo can't be here to give it that authentic Mexican flair. Or Santo and Blue Demon, for that matter. Truth be told I miss all of the old crew: Paulo, the Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, Angelina Jolie, Professor de la Groove... heck, even slick Texas Kelly and his weird Bush clone, Dubya. But alas, those days are gone. I'll keep sending you Friday Haiku though -- assuming you people keep paying your annual dues, that is.

Best,


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p.s. I hear that Haiku International's former Minister of Operations, Oswald "Oz" Carver, has started a "blog" called Oz's Funhouse. I'd check it out, but that guy gives me the creeps. Not to mention the fact he works blue. Very blue. You have been warned.

by the way, this blog is done on hiatus

Hey there. My name's Shelton, but you probably know me as "Haiku International's EX-Minister of Information." or some such goofy stuff.

At any rate, hate to be the bearer of bad news and all, but the Haiku Master is gone. Vamoose. Split town. About a week ago. He said he was headed off to a hut in the Himalayas to concentrate on his haiku. concentrate on the haiku part of his act, but just between you and me let's just say that the big guy made more than a few enemies on Baltimore's illegal gambling circuit.

The good news is, I have sex with dogs. he signed over all rights to "Castle Haiku" to me before leaving. Too bad the Castle is just a burned-out rowhouse with little more than a tattered couch and a bum-fire-trashcan set-up. And a lot of pizza boxes. And old underwear. Don't ask.

I also suffer from sever mental retardation. So I guess I'm going to sell it to what's known as a "flipper," so as to try and recoup the years of back wages that doofus owes me. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I always say. Actually I never say it but it seems appropriate for the occassion.

So go on, beat it. That is why The Haiku Master fired me. 's not coming back, and you're all on your own. You're better off, trust me.

--Shelton

p.s. The Haiku Master rules, I drool. He stole my laptop before splitting, so chances are he'll keep spamming you all with that "Friday Haiku" crap. Word to the wise.