yeah, i don't really know where that camp x-ray thing was going

Err... hi there, friends. It's a rather sheepish The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight, because, well, I have a little confession to make.

Remember how I told you I didn't write to you for a month because I'd been incarcerated at Camp X-Ray? Um, that was kind of a lie. This photo from a couple weeks ago, that allegedly shows yours truly being escorted through Gitmo's fabled gates? Yeah. It's doctored.

Despite Looking Shockingly Real, This Photo Is In Fact A Fake

Truth is, I spent the time playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I didn't mean to spend more than a month away from the ol' "blog," but man, that game is addictive! So, sorry about blowing off you loyal readers, and even more sorry about the lying. But if it makes any difference, I did in fact beat the game, meting out harsh justice to Big Smoke, Tenpenny, Ryder and all the other scoundrels who had a hand in the untimely demise of Moms and Brian Johnson! Grove 4 Life! Grove 4 Life!!

GROVE 4 LIFE!!!

Oh, and there is one small nugget of truth for you to savor. Old Man Winter and I really did partner on a deal to purchase Egyptian cotton from a man named Milo Minderbinder, as detailed in Chapters I & II of the falsely titled "Summer at Camp X-Ray." The deal went through without a hitch, then me and O.M.W. partied on the beach with some middle-aged housewives. Here's photographic proof:

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter Make Time With Some Local Vixens At One Of Cairo's Many Fine Beaches

Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Okay for now, fan club members! Until next time, keep your ear to the ground and keep reaching for the stars!

Best,


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P.S. For the really slow amongst you, this means there will be no further chapters of "Summer at Camp X-Ray."

P.P.S. No, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 did not sample San Andreas' notorious "Hot Coffee mod." Not that he didn't try, but one apparently needs a degree in advanced rocket science to pull off that trick.

i must regretfully decline

Good to see you again, pals o' mine. It's me, The Haiku Master... and am I ever tired!

Upon returning home after the successful completion of my latest epic adventure, I had to go rescue my next door neighbor's dog, who was once again stuck in a tree. Then, Old Man Pinkerton across the street needed a hand cleaning out his storm gutters, which led to the Widow Finklebaum pressing me into service as a weed-puller. Finally, with dusk approaching, I was free to go back to my top secret base of operations.

After a sumptious dinner consisting of what the French call "le sausage pizza," I considered hitting the sack...but instead gave in to the siren call of a marathon session of Halo 2. By the time the last Covenant was broken and final Flood dammed, it was nearly 6 in the morning -- well past my normal bedtime, to say the least.

Fortunately, The Haiku Master is ruled by no schedule, and was qualmless about sleeping the day away if needed. My plans were soon undone, though...for my other next door neighbor, the dastardly Mr. Heem, had chosen that very day to have his new swimming pool installed! The construction noise proved to be too much and I soon gave up on slumber, resigning myself instead to mind-numbing daytime television.

So here I am, exhausted beyond belief and eagerly awaiting tonight's well-earned rest. And that's why I'm going to have to beg off from my good friend, the right honorable Professor de la Groove, and his request.

The Professor left me a message while I was in Singapore, and it turns out he's been placed in charge of the archaeological dig surrounding the lost city that was revealed off the coast of Tamil Nadu by the Boxing Day Tsunami (link goes to that bastion of Kiwi journalism, the New Zealand Herald). He said some weird things have been happening at the camp, and that he wanted me to come provide security. Which is certainly a shrewd decision on his part, but frankly, having just gotten back from my reunion with the Adventure Team, I can't be bothered.

I might make it out there eventually, but for now I'm going to suggest he give Flaming Carrot or the Guardian Angels a call. I need a break.

Best,