Saturday, December 31, 2005

out with the old, in with the new

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, ringing out the Old Year with the last Haiku International post of 2005!

Unfortunately, I have a lot to do before Castle Haiku's gala New Year's party later tonight, so this isn't destined to be one of my better crafted missives. Instead, I'm going to borrow a page from the hack journalist's playbook and present you with a slapped-together list of top 10 stuff; heck, let's call it The Top 10 Things The Haiku Master Ate In 2005! Here we go:

1) Sausage Pizza: If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, but nothing tastes better than a pipin' hot sausage pizza. Ask for it by name!

2) Hostess Snack Cakes: My obligatory crimefighter endorsement deal with them aside, there really is no finer snack cake on the market. Twinkies? Zingers?! Ho-Hos?!? Only as a last resort as far as I'm concerned!

3) Hoagies: Thanks to the Haiku-Bot's deft hoagie-making abilities, this category made a big jump in the past year, and may even be a serious contender for the top spot in 2006!

4) Lucky Charms: Nothing says breakfast like a paranoid, gold-hoarding leprechaun. Also great as a late-night snack straight out of the box!

5) Cheese: And plenty of it.

6) Hamburgers: Two of my close, personal friends, Jughead Jones and Wellington J. Wimpy, turned me on to these bad boys at an early age, and I've never been able to say "no" to them since.

7) Mashed Potatoes: My preferred movie-watching munchies.

8) Gravy: Goes great by itself, as well as with a variety of other items -- including #s 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9 on this list.

9) Chewing Tobacco: Most wouldn't consider this a food, but if you've got the stomach for swallowing, you'll find it to be a real delicacy.

10) Pop Rocks: A classic never goes out of style.

So there you have it -- the Top 10 Things eaten by the Sultan of Syllables in 2005. Look for next year's list in about 12 months, and until then, have one hell of a Happy New Year!

Best,

Friday, December 30, 2005

they turned me loose

Get back, funky cats! It's me, The Haiku Master, free at last from the fortune cookie factory where I'd been held hostage for the past week!

Though as it turns out, I wasn't actually in a fortune cookie factory. 'Twould appear I drank too much port wine following the Airing of Grievances at my gala Festivus dinner, then climbed into an empty fortune cookie case and passed out before we even got to the Feats of Strength. Being the trickster he is, H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to tape the box shut and secure it in one of Castle Haiku's many stately broom closets before leaving for a holiday visit with his family in Cuba. Or was it Puerto Rico? One of those Caribbean republics with bananas and goats and what-not.


The Haiku Master Spent A Week In This Box

At any rate, he returned last night and let me out, laughing uproariously at his own hijinks. I would've fired him on the spot for this effrontery, but nobody loves a good prank more than the Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Besides, even schoolchildren know that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Okay for now, 'ku believers. Time for yours truly to prepare for the big New Year's Eve bash I'm hosting tomorrow night! As always, look for your invitation in the mail, assuming you rate one!

Best,

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

i'm being held hostage in a fortune cookie factory

Hi folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, and the headline of this post is no joke. At least, I don't think it is. Look, all I know is this: it's dark, and it always smells like fortune cookies. So you tell me.

And to answer your question, no, I don't know how I was able to make this "blog" post, what with my current circumstances and all.

Okay for now; I think I hear someone coming. Might have to bust out some Haikung Fu to get out of this one. If I don't resurface by, say, Friday, be sure to let Paulo know I'm in danger.

Best,

Friday, December 23, 2005

fantastic festivus to all, and to all a good night

Buuuuuuuuurp! Gahr der, fawks. That is, hi there, folks -- it's me, The Haiku Master, just finishing up the last of Castle Haiku's fine Festivus Ham before moving on to the traditional Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!


Nothing Says Festivus Like A Delicious Ham

Nice looking piece of meat, huh? It sure was, I can tell you that much. But now it exists solely in the memories and bellies of my Festivus guests. And who might they be, you ask? Frankly, it's none of your business, but if you were to assume they include esteemed peers, trusted agents, and lovely ladies (i.e., him, The Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, four call girls, and me--ed.), you wouldn't be far off the mark.

That's it for now, gentle readers. My date for the evening is insisting we begin the Airing of Grievances now, and when have I ever been known to refuse a lady? Except for that female cop who wanted me to take a field sobriety test. She was a real bitch.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus,

Sunday, December 18, 2005

i hate sharing

Hi folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, but I must warn you I'm a little nonplussed this morning... because TIME Magazine decided to split its Person of the Year honor amongst myself, Bono, and Bill Gates, rather than just giving it to me outright!!!


Just When TIME Magazine Seemed Headed In The Right Direction, They Have To Pull A Boneheaded Stunt Like This

I mean, "Persons" of the Year? "Persons?" That cover should read Man of the Year, and it should be graced with my mug and my mug alone! To add insult to injury, I'm not even sure who the other two are! When we met yesterday for our photo shoot, that Gates character struck me as the type who probably manages a Radio Shack, while the mononymic Bono just muttered a lot and refused to take off his sunglasses. Persons of the Year material? I think not!

And they have the gall to make a respected crimefighter like the Sultan of Syllables stand behind those yahoos?! The nerve!

Ah well. Even with a three-way tie, this high-profile international exposure is sure to increase my fan club membership levels, so I suppose I should look at the glass as half-full, rather than half-empty. And speaking of the ol' fan club, if you're a current member your annual dues must be received by January 1, as always. Don't be late!

Best,

Thursday, December 15, 2005

those poindexters finally got it right

Hey there, jumping jacks! It's me, The Haiku Master, and you could literally knock me over with a feather right now -- because the so-called "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" finally announced an induction class in which each and every member well and truly rocks!!


The Notorious Sex Pistols Lead The Finest "Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame" Class Of All Time

I mean, Sweet Mother of Mozart! The Sex Pistols! Black Sabbath! Lynyrd Skynyrd! Blondie! And last but certainly not least, Miles frikkin' Davis! Can you believe it?!

It's almost enough to get the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to attend this year's gala induction ceremony. Unfortunately, I have major issues with the "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" -- primarily, the fact that only dorks call it "rock and roll," rather than rock 'n' roll -- and therefore cannot endorse its existence with my presence. So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!

Best,

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

there can be only one

Sweet Criminy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and you're never going to believe this: I just ran into my Mirror Universe counterpart while shopping for a Festivus Ham down at the local Piggly Wiggly!

The Devil you say, you say? Take a look at this shocking photo, taken by a Piggly Wiggly security camera not one hour ago!


This Cheap Knock-Off Of The Haiku Master Bears All The Earmarks Of A Mirror Universe Native

See the evil, grinning leer? The goatee?! The tracksuit?!? If that's not a Mirror Universe The Haiku Master, I don't know what is! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to confirm my suspicions. He was standing near the exit when I spotted him, and took off as soon as we made eye contact. Being next in line at the checkout, I was unable to give chase for fear I'd lose my spot -- or worse yet, that the toothless old woman behind me would snap up my Festivus Ham.

Still, the store manager was nice enough to give me a print-out of the above picture, which I'll certainly be adding to my investigative files. In the meantime, if you see this creep, do not try to apprehend him on your own. Just call the pros at Haiku International, and we'll take care of the rest.

Best,

Monday, December 12, 2005

jack black can go to hell

Hello, fun-lovers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever in a sore mood -- because I just wasted the whole day going to New York City to appear on Letterman, only to get bumped because "funnyman" Jack Black lampooned too long while promoting his big-budget remake of Mighty Joe Young!!


The Haiku Master Is No Fan Of Jack Black

That bastard really has his nerve! See, the whole thing started when I got a call from the Late Show's producer, who told me Letterman had seen my mug over Times Square last night (as part of my nomination for TIME's Person of the Year award) and insisted I be booked as a guest post haste. Having nothing outside the usual planned for today, I agreed and was quickly on my way to New York.

So it was that I found myself ensconced in the Green Room at the fabled Ed Sullivan Theater, and everything seemed to be going smoothly... a little too smoothly, as I should have realized! Thanks to the Green Room's monitors, I bore witness to Black's long-winded buffoonery, followed by noted anti-Papist Sinead O'Connor. Then, instead of following the game plan and calling yours truly to the stage, he wished everyone goodnight and called it a show! Without even a mention of the Pharaoh of 5-7-5! Unfathomable!!


The Haiku Master Waits Patiently In The Green Room For A Letterman Appearance That Would Never Come

Some flunky then explained to me that Black had ran too long, and would I be interested in being re-booked for another night, say, April 12th? Though I have no intention of following through -- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me -- I agreed, then swiped the Green Room's box of complimentary donuts before returning to my base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs, a.k.a. Castle Haiku.

Ah well. I suppose it wasn't a total waste. After all, I got the free donuts. And the satisfaction of knowing Letterman will be scrambling for a last-minute guest when I don't show up in four months. Try Danny Bonaduce, you gap-toothed freak! Just don't try me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best (unless your name is Jack Black or David Letterman),

Sunday, December 11, 2005

maybe time magazine isn't so bad after all

Sing a song of sixpence, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and as if being recently named High Adventure Monthly's Hero of the Year wasn't thrilling enough, I'm now a finalist for TIME Magazine's coveted Person of the Year honor!!

Don't believe me? Take a gander at this little photo -- and I assure you there's no digital trickery involved (after all, we never use digital trickery at Haiku International)! For further proof, pay a visit to TIME's "Person of the Year" site at http://www.impoy.com/default.aspx?detail_id=9821!


Finally, A TIME Person Of The Year Worthy Of The Honor

How'd this long-overdue nomination come about, you ask? Turns out that TIME was at a loss as to who to give the prize to this year, what with nobody doing anything of particular note, so they opened the nominating process to the public... and H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to throw my name into the ring! Well, despite their inability to pick 100 top-rate novels, TIME apparently does know from persons, and notified me of their choice with the following email:

Thank you for submitting your photo to TIME Magazine's Person of the Year in Times Square. Please visit the URL below to find a webcam shot of your image as displayed in Times Square. This image is available for viewing, printing and sending to friends.


So there you have it; looks like I'm a shoo-in for the POY this year. Better get on my good side now, folks, for I shall definitely play favorites once I'm in charge!

Best,

stealing music is fun and easy

Good morning, sunshines! It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have an exciting discovery to share with you: there's free music to be found all over the Internet, which means I can make my own CDs courtesy of Haiku International's new high-powered computer network... and never have to pay the record companies a dime again!!!


Thanks To Haiku International's New Computer, The Haiku Master Can Get This And Other Musical Masterpieces For Free

Can you believe it?! Better still, I don't even have to buy the CDs 'cause H.I.'s Minister of Information steals them from his day job, then I swipe some out of his backpack when he's at Castle Haiku maintaining the ol' "blog!" It's like having a license to print money, only one used for printing CDs instead! Yabba-dabba-doo!

That said, I must ask you loyal readers to keep this under your collective hat for now. After all, if too many people jump on this bandwagon, it's sure to tip right over!

Okay for now, 'ku believers; time for Baltimore's premier crimefigher to split! After all, my Bay City Rollers collection isn't going to "burn" itself, now is it?

Best,

Friday, December 09, 2005

not my doom

Greetings, 'ku believers. Yeah it's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have a bone to pick with the makers of that so-called Fantastic Four movie... for they've done a grave disservice to the world's greatest comic book super-villain, Dr. Victor Von Doom!


After Viewing The Fantastic Four "Movie," The Haiku Master Thinks The Real Doctor Doom Has An Extremely Strong Libel Case Against 20th Century Fox And Marvel Studios

That's right! See, with Baltimore buried under a blanket of snow thanks to Old Man Winter's latest bender (We only got four inches, if that!--ed.), the Haiku-Bot and I declared it a movie day here at Castle Haiku. Well, that and a whiskey day. Hoagies and cigars were involved, too. At any rate, H.B. selected I, Robot -- again -- while I made the mistake of choosing the FF flick. Right off the bat I knew there were going to be problems when some middle-aged doofus with a flattop tried to pass himself off as teenaged hero Johnny Storm, and The Thing wound up looking like a burn victim. But all that paled in comparison to what they did to Doom!


The Haiku-Bot (Left) And The Haiku Master (Right) Pay A Visit To The Local Video Store

I mean, Sweet Jesus! Doom isn't the dandified, metrosexual owner of some two-bit electronics firm! He's the iron-fisted dictator of a little-known Eastern European nation called Latveria! And he doesn't have metal skin! He wears a highly advanced suit of armor packed to the gills with one technological wonder after another, any one of which could fry the skin right off your face!! Or worse! And last but not least, he wears a cloak with big gold buttons -- not a frikkin' trenchcoat with big silver buttons!!!


Fake Movie Doom Should Stick To What He Does Best, E.G. Sucking Ass

Oh well, at least I didn't pay to see that turkey at the theater; if you haven't watched it yet, avoid it at all costs!

Best,

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

the goose is getting fat

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a friendly reminder that December 23 is right around the proverbial corner -- meaning there's just 16 shopping days left 'til the happiest day of the year, Festivus!!!


Castle Haiku's Festivus Pole

Feats of Strength! Airing of Grievances! The Festivus Pole! And best of all, more presents than you can shake a stick at! Speaking of which, I'm sure a number of you have rightfully included me on your gift lists -- for which you have the Sultan of Syllables' eternal gratitude! To help you make what shall surely be one of your toughest present-buying decisions (after all, what does one get for the high-profile celebrity crimefighter who has everything?), I present the following list of items that are always welcome at Castle Haiku:

1) Whiskey
2) Snack Cakes (preferably Hostess)
3) Whiskey
4) Sausage Pizza
5) Whiskey
6) Fine Cuban Tobacco
7) Whiskey
8) Expensive Prostitutes
9) Whiskey
10) Hai Karate Aftershave

There you have it folks; a surefire way to ensure a nice thank-you card from yours truly at some point after the holidays, but probably not before March 13th! And if you'd like to learn more about the Festivus for the Rest of Us, be sure to visit http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/festivus.php. Tell 'em The Haiku Master sent you!

Best,

Monday, December 05, 2005

thank you, 'high adventure monthly' readers

Hi kids! It's a most triumphant The Haiku Master who stands before you tonight -- for the tallies are in, and the 2005 winner of High Adventure Monthly magazine's annual "Hero of the Year" award is none other than me... The Haiku Master!!!


As Always, Victory Is Very, Very Sweet (Click For Larger Image)

Needless to say, this is going to push my "Q-rating" through the roof. I'm not sure what a "Q-rating" is, but I do know a high one leads to lucrative endorsement deals. And if there's one thing I love, it's a lucrative endorsement deal! (And whiskey.--ed.) Unfortunately, one of Haiku International's operatives wasn't willing to let the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 enjoy the spotlight on his own -- as evidenced by Paulo's appearance on the latest issue of Cockfighter Monthly!


It Wouldn't Surprise The Haiku Master At All To Learn Paulo Had Paid For This Honor (Click For Larger Image)

That rascal! Still, always nice to have one's achievements honored -- something you people might want to consider doing from time to time as well, wink wink nudge nudge! Either way, time for your hero to split; Old Man Winter's been roaring around town on a bender all day, and I'm headed over to Baltimore's Patterson Park right now to give him a proper ass-kicking. Wish me luck!

Best,


----------------------
P.S. No, I'm not sure why both of these images display October 2005 cover dates, when one would presume their year-end "[Blank] of the Year" issues would be published in December. I guess both publications use the same error-prone printer? Your guess is as good as mine, fan club members!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

down for the count

Hi folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, basking in the warm glow of companionship just afforded me by none other than Sesame Street's The Count, who called, as he put it, "To shoot ze sheeet! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"


The Count Is Bat-Shit Crazy, Which Is Exactly What The Haiku Master Loves About Him

As always, though, it was one hell of a confusing conversation, what with his junky-level need to count everything in sight... and earshot!

"Hey, Count!" I said, after taking the waiting receiver from the Haiku-Bot. "How's it hanging, baby?"

"Vun!" he shouted gleefully at me. "Vun question! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

"What?" I said, always having trouble with his thick Transylvanian accent.

"Two!" he chortled madly. "Two questions!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

And so it went, with me getting little out of him save a running count -- no pun intended -- of my queries. As well as the distinct sound of him crapping his pants with joy when he got to number twenty-five. Still, it was nice to hear from the guy.

Speaking of which, Festivus is right around the corner (December 23)! Be sure to start calling friends and relations now to ensure generous gift-giving on their parts. Take it from me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

Saturday, December 03, 2005

get up and get your grandma out of here

Pick up, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, working hard this year, and now that Haiku International's computer problems are behind me I can get back to the business of thrilling and chilling you in style!

That's right! No more TRS-80 SuperMobile Laptop for the Sultan of Syllables -- not with the wickedly-fast, potentially alien-created system known only as KAISER-1 powering H.I.'s online activities!!


KAISER-1 Will Keep Haiku International Humming For A Long Time To Come, Assuming The Haiku Master Doesn't Spill Beer On It

A real beauty, huh? I'd tell you how much she set me back, but frankly, I don't want you people hitting me up for loans.

Okay for now, friends. I'm currently tracking a nefarious criminal organization whose members dress like nuns to sell drugs to schoolchildren... and my sources tell me Vice President Dick Cheney is involved! Needless to say, that requires my immediate attention; hopefully, I'll have more details for you tomorrow!

Best,