wheelin' and dealin', pt. I

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CHAPTER I

It all began innocuously enough. There I was, lost in a study of the works of William Gaines from the comfort of Castle Haiku's stately library, when my butler -- the formerly diabolical Haiku-Bot* -- saw fit to disturb me.

The Haiku-Bot

"Excuse, me Mr. The Haiku Master," it said. "You, have a phone call."

"The devil you say!" I said with great flourish. I'd recently heard that phrase in a Nixon joke, and had been dying to use it ever since.

"Eh...no. It is not, the devil. It is, Mr. Old Man Winter. He would like, to speak with. You."

"Old Man Winter? That frostbitten old fraud?" I scoffed, returning to the leather-bound volume before me. "Tell him I'm busy."

"Begging, your pardon Mr. The Haiku Master but, upon registering the caller's identity my, giga-processors immediately calculated your likely reply and, already told Mr. Old Man Winter that you, are too. Busy. In response Mr., Old Man Winter said it is, urgent."

"Alright, alright! But if this turns out to be another one of his crank calls, you'll get no oil baths for a month, H.B.!"

"Understood Mr., The Haiku Master. I will patch him, through to the library's. Intercom."

The Haiku-Bot turned to leave, and within minutes the grating sound of Old Man Winter's voice filled the room.

"...ku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! It's me -- Old Man Winter! Can you hear me?!"

"Of course I can hear you! My highly attuned Haiku Master super-hearing can hear a fly crapping from 20 miles away! Now quit the small talk and cut to the chase!"

"A fly crapping from 20 miles away? Why in the hell would you want to hear that?"

It was a good question... but not one I was prepared to answer. "That's none of your business, Winter. Now tell me why you called!"

"Oh, right! Why I called! Hey listen, Haiku Master -- I got a line on a great opportunity! Egyptian cotton, baby! We're all gonna be rich!"

"Egyptian cotton? Stop babbling, man! You're not making any sense!"

"Look, I can't explain it over the phone; just get your ass to Cairo! You'll find me at the Motel Six. And bring a big suitcase, Haiku Master! You're gonna need it for all the moolah you're gonna make!"

Motel 6: The Only Motel Chain Endorsed By The Haiku Master

For reasons I still can't explain, I decided to take Old Man Winter up on his offer. Perhaps it was the surprise plug for Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master. Perhaps it was our shared love of strong American whiskey and fine Cuban tobacco. Either way, it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life, which is why I've added the following line to my personal "rules for living": When it comes to outstanding sources of financial advice, it's hard to beat rum-soaked bearded degenerates in green robes!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'' PT. II---

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* I got the "Geek Squad" at my local Best Buy to rewire him for domestic servitude following my tussle with the Church of Scientology. You people don't expect me to keep you up to date on everything I do, do you?