road to victory #1: broncos at dolphins

Get ready to celebrate, adventure-lovers! It's me, The Haiku Master, pleased to introduce the newest fangle to the one, true Haiku International "blog": live coverage of the world's greatest football team, The Miami Dolphins, on their march to a well-deserved berth in this year's Super Bowl XL!*

The Haiku Master's Ready For Some Football, Dolphins-Style

The 'Phins' offense is on the field right now, so I have to glue myself to Castle Haiku's high-tech bank of Sony Trinitrons. Fear not, I'll keep you updated on all the action!

* That's "Forty," for those of you who don't speak binary.
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1:25 p.m.

A 61-yard run! Made by wideout Chris Chambers! Why the hell is the wideout playing running back? Either way, good job!

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1:32 p.m.

There's NO HONOR in field goals!! True enough, my beloved 'Phins have drawn first blood, but too many field goals is one of many reasons why former coach Dave "Fraud" Wannstedt was run out of town on a rail. The current administration would do well to keep that in mind.

Dave Wannstedt: The Only Football Coach Endorsed By Chumps And Fools

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1:37 p.m.

Current Score: Dolphins 3, Broncos 0. Zip. Nada! Zilch! The Big Kumquat!

Just making sure we're all on the same page.

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1:42 p.m.

Another Dolphin penalty? This is a football team, not a goddamned dude ranch; Saban better crack the whip if this keeps up! Of course, wideout Marty Booker just pulled in a 10-yard reception, so all is forgiven... this time.

Ah, and here comes a powerful first down off the increasingly productive Frerotte/Chambers connection -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is beginning to like what he sees!

But then, just as I go to hit the "publish" button, the 'Phins stumble to their third pre-snap penalty! Tighten it up, you yahoos!!

Okay, first quarter's up; still Dolphins 3, Broncos 0. Eat it, Shanahan!

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1:48 p.m.

Looking good, Gus: 10-13 for 92 yards and no interceptions. Fiedler's not fit to carry your cleats!

Gus Frerotte: The First "R" Is Silent, And Therefore Useless

And we're inside the 20. Why does this Champ Bailey ruffian keep giving us so much grief? Mayhaps a John Kreese-style "sweep the leg" commandment is in order... no no, stay calm. Must avoid the penalty. Keep it tight in there, Saban: tight, and at the same time loose. This is no time for mistakes. Not now that we're in the Red Zone.

It's the shotgun for Frerotte... only to be foiled by a fourth pre-snap penalty! I've had enough of that; if Saban can't put a lid on it, I may be forced to fly the Haiku Plane down to Miami to set things straight!

Gah! Even as I make my threat, a fifth penalty! Unfathomable! Feeling faint... sound of calliope music filling the air. Six penalties altogether! Six!

Now, Frerotte incomplete to Chambers -- nearly intercepted! No, the quarterback can't be frazzled already. Not this early in the game!

So we come to a second field goal. It's up off Olindo Mare's experienced foot... and it's good! Dolphins 6, Broncos a pathetic 0.

Still, that's a slim margin for error. There's no room for excuses in the red zone. Get it together you monkeys!

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1:56 p.m.

Ha ha, Denver "QB" Jake Plummer hasn't netted a passing yard all game. What a mook!

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1:58 p.m.

Very strange. A commercial just featured noted football expert John Madden stating that the Patriots play their home games in "Bean Town." No wonder they tell people they're from the more generic New England.

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2:00 p.m.

And the Broncos go three-and-out once more, without creating so much as an iota of excitement. It's like they've hired Wannstedt to tell Shanny what to do.

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2:03 p.m.

Dolphins at their 45... Frerotte with the fake, and deep to Chambers! But no, incomplete.

Frerotte...pressured...no! No! Interception! It's Bailey again! Sweep Bailey's leg! For god's sake sweep Bailey's leg!

And as for you, Frerotte: tighten it up!

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2:13 p.m.

Just when it looked as if the defense was starting to bend, with the Broncos deep in our territory: KRAKA-DOOM!!! A massive, bone-rattling blow from linebacker Zach Thomas! Thomas was run over by a truck when he was but 6, a tragic event that turned him into one of the most feared linebackers on this or any planet.

Zach Thomas Does Not Rest Until His Enemies Are Crushed, Driven Before Him, And He Hears The Lamentations Of Their Women

And... yes! A monstrous goal line stance by the 'Phins, driving back the foolhardy Broncos who decided to go for it on fourth down. Not in the house that Joe Robbie built, suckers! Dolphins still 6, Broncos still 0.

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2:17 p.m.

Alas, the offense did not capitalize on this turn-around, going a cowardly three and out. I need more cowbell, Saban! More cowbell!

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2:21 p.m.

Broncos appear to be moving again... hopefully it will once more come to naught. Speaking of which, that word always reminds me of Jethro Bodine. You know, "naught, naught, carry the naught?" No? Sounds like your cultural studies are seriously lacking.

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2:24 p.m.

Broncos at the nine yard line... Plummer passes... incomplete! Keep it going, defense, keep it going. Argh, satellite interference! Okay, back online. Broncos still haven't gone anywhere... they go for the field goal! Good: dammit! Dolphins 6, Broncos 3.

But what's this... the announcers are speaking with my close, personal friend, legendary NFL Hall of Fame Coach Don Shula! Always good to hear from an ally.

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2:30 p.m.

Sweet -- Dolphin offense re-taking the field. My god, don't they look like a pack of trained killers! Let's see what they can do... whoa, tight end Randy McMichael to the 45! Big hit, though... c'mon McMichael, get up! Gah! Satellite fritz again! Don't tell me McMichael's dead? No, no -- good.

In Addition To Having The NFL's Only Undefeated Season, The Miami Dolphins Have Unbelievably Hot Cheerleaders Like This Minx At Their Disposal

Okay, Dolphins moving again. Quick pass from Frerotte brings them into Bronco territory... 42? 45? Either way, it's a gain. Keep an eye on the mistakes, you yahoos! And damn this satellite! What's this, is it a first down? Time out? What in the hell?

Fourth and one? Well... this is really where we seperate the men from the boys, isn't it? 'Phins regrouping, going over their options. Play it safe and punt, or go for the honor with a stacatto run from #2 overall draft pick, running back Ronnie Brown? Go for the honor, Saban...

Yes, they're going for it! Chambers in motion... what the? Brown catches it for a loss? What kind of amateur bullshit was that? Who called that play?!

Oh well, at least there's only nine seconds left in the half. Miami still 6, Denver 3.

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2:33 p.m.

Aaaaand that's the first half: Dolphins 6, Broncos 3. Suck it, Shanahan!

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2:48 p.m.

Okay, well, that's going to have to do it for this game. Old Man Winter just got back into town to start setting up for his end-of-year local operations, and he's coming over with a satchel of hoagies, a box of fine Cuban tobacco, and five cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon: The Official Beer of The Haiku Master! In return, I'm going to let him watch the rest of the game over here, but hosting won't leave me much time for "blogging" and such. Still and all, I'll try to give a recap when I sober up later today. Until then, Dolphins rule, Broncos drool!

And look at this: Champ Bailey just got helped off the field, injured! By Ronnie Brown, no less! Sounds like a "sweep the leg" order was sent out after all!

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3:31 p.m.

I know I said I wouldn't be back, but... can you believe it? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! That's right, baby: as of two minutes ago, the score is now Miami 20, Denver a far-from-manly 3, thanks in large part to second-half passing and rushing TDs! WAY TO GO, MIAMI!!!

Then again, all this Pabst Blue Ribbon is pretty damn good, too!

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3:56 p.m.

Sweet Jesus! I'm out of my mind with joy!!! 27-10 with less than six minutes to play! The Dolphins are giving the Broncos such a stern whipping that the local CBS affiliate just switched to Miami after the lackluster affair in Pittsburgh! 24 of 36 for 275 yards and 2 TDs for Frerotte, more than making up for his earlier interception. Ronnie Brown only pulled in 57 yards on 22 carries, but I'm willing to cut him some slack: he's a rookie, and the Broncos were telling anyone who'd listen that they were going to stuff the 'Phins' running game... never counting on the masterful bombardment from the air! Serendipity!

As for Haiku International's Player of the Game? That honor goes to Marty Booker. I always liked that kid when he played for Chicago -- he was a master of the "wide receiver passes for a touchdown" trick play in those days -- and today he's pulled in five catches for 104 yards and a TD: sa-lute!

Alright, this is probably really the last update this time. Unless something crazy happens, like Marino suddenly taking the field for one snap under center. God bless Dan Marino, god bless Nick Saban, and god bless the Miami Dolphins!

Oh, and as for Old Man Winter, he already passed out -- a man his age should know better than to funnel his beer. Good luck to that fool if he thinks his wallet will still be around when he wakes up!

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4:15 p.m.

Final Score: World's Greatest Football Team The Miami Dolphins 34, Nothings Without John Elway The Denver Broncos 10!!! The capper? The final touchdown was defensive, thanks to the fast hands and quick wits of defensive end Jason Taylor! Way to go, team! VICTORY IS OURS!!!

Legendary NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino Is Sure To Give His Seal Of Approval To Today's Big Win

And so the Saban Era gets off on the right foot. I leave you all with a rousing rendition of the one-and-only Miami Dolphins Fight Song! Hit it, gang!

Miami has the Dolphins/The Greatest Football Team
We move the ball from goal to goal/like no one's ever seen
In the air or on the ground/We're always in control
And when you're talking Miami/You're talking Super Bowl

'Cause we're the: Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins, Number One!
Yes we're the: Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins!
Miami Dolphins, Number One!

Best,

war: what is it good for?

Greetings, 'ku believers. 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to expound on the conflict that has arisen between one of the 260th century's greatest heroes, Captain Walrus of the Universe, and the imbecelic toads who have hijacked the estate of Walrus' longtime ally, Cap'n Shrimpstain.

Know this: the so-called man purporting to be Stan Marino, non-existent brother of Dan Marino, is a fraud! In actuality, his name is Zander Schloss, and he was the bass player for the now defunct punk group known as the Circle Jerks. Shocking, I know... yet all too real!!

Zander Schloss: Better Bass Player Than Human Being

Embittered by his band's inability to get a gold record -- and his own inability to get a non-paid-for date -- Schloss time-traveled to the 260th century with a fistful of false documentation. After convincing the locals he was in fact related to legendary NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino, Schloss then weaseled his way into a position of power in the Shrimpstain Memorial Foundation -- and shortly thereafter used that beloved legacy to launch a two-front war against myself and Walrus!

While Walrus and I had planned to band together to thwart Schloss' mad scheme, the Sultan of Syllables is a busy man. And frankly, I don't have time for any of that 260th century nonsense... not when there are plenty of criminal enterprises to tackle right here in good ol' 2005! As a result, I'm withdrawing all resources from that far-flung battle, so as to better focus my energies on you fine people.

So good luck to you, Captain Walrus, but I'll thank you to leave me out of your troubles in the future. You certainly don't see me knocking on your door every time I need to kill a rat, do you?

Best,

marino mania

Hut-Hut-Hike, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, here to celebrate the biggest event of the year: once-and-future Miami Dolphins Quarterback Dan Marino's induction into the National Football League's Hall of Fame, taking place today, August 7, at 12:00 p.m. E.T.!!!

Dan Marino Quarterbacked The Miami Dolphins From 1983-2000, And Will Again In Valhalla

Being the Sultan of Syllables, I've written a haiku in honor of my close, personal friend's big day, and it goes something like this:

Thirteen on his chest
Foul mouth, rocket-launching arm
Danny's Canton-bound

There, that ought to coax a tear or two out of Ol' #13. But Haiku International's Marino Mania doesn't end there! We're also pleased to re-present the true details of an adventure Marino and I once shared, originally published on this site back on February 5; enjoy!

* * *

In The Haiku Master's experience, being "The Man" is almost always a bad thing. Who sends you bills? The Man. Who taxes your income? The Man. Who gets filthy rich while you never get enough? The Man. Who says it's illegal to fire off large caliber weapons in the privacy of one's apartment? The Man.

To which I say, "#%$@ The Man."

But Marino is one "The Man" with whom one does not want to #%$@.

I'll probably embarrass Danny by telling this story, but he and I once worked a case together. God, it was ages ago; 1988, I believe, and I was still but a Haiku Apprentice. Earth Command had asked the late Haiku Master Charles Bukowski (my sensei) and me -- along with Marino, Patty Hearst, Evel Knievel, and Chuck D -- to investigate a reported Nazi alien infestation on the Dark Side of the Moon.

Sure enough, Earth Command's suspicions were right on the nail. Seconds after our shuttle touched down on the moon's green cheese surface -- and having been there, I can assure you it is made of green cheese -- our hearty band of adventurers was confronted by a throng of goose-stepping, tentacled, interstellar foreigners!

The battle that ensued was mighty, and may have been my last had it not been for the strong arm and unerring accuracy of Marino. I fought well that day, my friends, and was finishing off one of the Nazi aliens with the Haikung Fu technique referred to as the Cleveland Steamer... but never noticed the alien Kapitän sneaking up behind me!

Fortunately, Marino did -- and rocketed a plutonium-core football at the bastard's head before it had time to remove my own with its plasma sword!

Needless to say, everyone in our group survived that bloody day, though the aliens did not. Which just goes to show: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit in the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't #%$@ around with Dan "The Man" Marino.

* * *

Thrilling stuff, huh? Well, you didn't think the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 was going to bust out something boring, did you? But enough jibber jabber -- time for me to fire up Castle Haiku's high-tech bank of Sony Trinitron plasma monitors before the gala spectacle begins. Sa-lute, Daniel Constantine Marino, Jr.! Sa-lute!

Best,

1st annual the haiku master's celebrity breakdancing tournament update

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER III

Excelsior, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with exciting news regarding the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament!

Don't Miss The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament, This Sunday At Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium

As reported yesterday, Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav are already locked as celebrity competitors, and I've secured four key cast members from Breakin' to judge the event. Plus, yours truly will serve as host and emcee. That's right! "MC Haiku Master!" Can you believe it?!

Now -- as if the above weren't exciting enough! -- I'm pleased to announce that deals have finally been reached with Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, and Flaming Carrot! Moreover, you'll bear witness to Harry Dean Stanton, Marky Ramone, Shaquille O'Neal, Hank Williams III, Pamela Anderson, and Tony Millionaire strutting their stuff on the cardboard mat!!! Could this deal get any sweeter?!

A Galaxy Of Stars Awaits At The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament

In a word -- yes! If you have heart problems, don't read any further...for there will also be a number of V.I.P. Crimefighters in attendance!!! Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain, Captain Walrus, Haiku Girl, Fat Albert, Ralph Nader, Santo, Blue Demon, and many others will be on hand to meet fans and take advantage of the V.I.P. Open Bar, so be sure to bring your autograph books!

My one disappointment is that Harrison Ford won't be able to attend...though a certain "Jethro the Bus Driver" will, if you catch my drift. Regardless, I'm sure we'll raise more than enough money to make mine and CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo's legal problems disappear for good.

Okay for now, loyal readers. The big event is scheduled to start at 11:00 a.m. E.S.T. this Sunday at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium, so the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has a lot to do before then -- hope to see you there!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. IV---

hold on paulo, help is on the way

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER II

Greetings, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with an update on my trusted agent, CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo, who's currently incarcerated in a Florida prison!

First and foremost, as you can see from this picture he's already making friends; that's his "a-mi-go" Alvarez on the left, and Guerra on the right. Paulo told me they're going to "slice up some crackers" tonight. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds downright tasty!

Los Tres Amigos

Better still, I've figured out a surefire way of putting our shared legal troubles behind us forever. That's right -- I'm hosting the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium this weekend, with all proceeds going to the Free Paulo Fund!

And when I say "celebrity," I mean celebrity! So far, I have solid commitments from my old allies Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav, and such star-studded names as Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Harrison Ford, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, Emmanuel Lewis, Flaming Carrot, and others are in the works. Can you say "drawing power," loyal readers? The Sultan of Syllables sure can!

My one regret is that my close, personal friend -- and world-renowned breakdancing expert -- Pope John Paul II won't be able to judge the competition, due to his ongoing health problems.

The Deuce (as his close, personal friends call him) once allowed me to sit in on a rather rigorous session at his top secret breakdancing dojo in Vatican City, and I was awed by his sublime knowledge of that ancient art. A true Yoda of the cardboard mat! Had he been available, he would've been the only judge required. As it is, I'm running with a four-person panel consisting of Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones, Michael Chambers, and Ice-T.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Regardless, I think it's going to be a huge success, and should easily raise enough money to get Paulo and myself off the hook as far as this whole cockfighting debacle goes. Wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll honor the Commish by keeping Johnny Paycheck's "Colorado Cool-Aid" in heavy rotation on my turntable.

Oh, and if you're looking for tickets to the big show -- and who wouldn't be? -- they're a very affordable, very non-refundable $50 each, with checks being made payable to my Minister of Information, Nate Shelton. Drop me a line at thehaikumaster@earthlink.net to order!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. III---

one if bin laden, two if haiku, pt. V

***
CHAPTER V

Upon our arrival at Osama bin Laden's warehouse hideout in downtown Minneapolis, Haiku Girl and I prepared to leap into action!

Despite The Clever Subterfuge, The Haiku Master & Haiku Girl Did Indeed Find Bin Laden Hiding In This Abandoned Warehouse

"Okay, H.G., this is it," I said, slinging a knapsack full of bacon over my shoulder. "Let's synchronize watches. I've got 7:18 -- you?"

"6:19 on my end, H.M."

"What the -- one of us is wa-a-a-a-ay off, and I don't think it's my trusty Timex! Let's bring it up to speed, kid."

"But H.M.!" she said. "Your watch is probably still set to Baltimore time. Minneapolis is an hour behind the east coast, remember?"

"What kind of crazy time-travel nonsense are you blabbering about, H.G.? Now stop goofing around -- I'm beginning to have second thoughts about my sidekick offer!"

The time issue settled, H.G. and I approached the warehouse's front door. Opting for the direct approach, I knocked loudly three times.

"Who is it?" a voice asked from within.

"Koran-Gram, mate" I said, affecting a perfect Australian accent. "All praise to Allah."

"Koran-Gram? We didn't order a Koran-Gram."

"That is correct. This Koran-Gram is a most blessed gift from the Saudi royal family!"

"Ahh, why didn't you say so!" said the voice. "Let me get the door..."

Turning slightly, I gave Haiku Girl a double thumb's up, and the warehouse's entrance opened. The man on the other side peeked through -- and was hit squarely in the face by a wet piece of bacon thrown with Marino-esque precision by my partner!

"Gah!" he cried, clutching madly at the offending meat product. "Not again!"

"Again and again and again if necessary!" I barked, shoving a piece of bacon into the punk's mouth. "How do you like the taste of that, huh? Infidel-icious, no?"

"Blearghhhhh!!!" he screamed through the bacon, running forward blindly into the street...where he was promptly crushed by a passing bus!

"Nice start," I said to Haiku Girl, "but now it's time to end this mad game of coffee house terror once and for all!"

"Right on, H.M.! Haiku powers -- activate!"

"Man, that is one kick-ass battlecry!" I said in appreciation. "I should think about trading up. But in the meantime -- Hiyo, Haiku!"

H.G. behind me, I stormed into the warehouse...only to hit a trap door three steps in! After a long slide I was spat out onto a frayed net, which in turn was overhanging a lava pit!

Thanks To His Brash Actions, The Haiku Master Soon Found Himself Suspended Over A Lava Pit, Much Like This One From Temple Of Doom

"For #%$@'s sake!" I cursed. "I am really looking like an amateur on this case!"

"Of course you are!" cried a voice. "All infidels are amateurs before the divine eyes of Allah!"

I turned to look -- and saw bin Laden and his remaining crew on a ledge 20' away! I then realized I'd lost my knapsack of bacon during the tumble, and was now defenseless in the face of Islam's most notorious outlaw!

"Oh," I said. "So that's how you want to play it, huh? Do you expect me to be scared, bin Laden?"

"No, Mr. Haiku Master," he said, holding a scimitar over one of two frail ropes that attached the net to the chamber's far wall. "In the immortal words of my close, personal friend, Auric Goldfinger...'I expect you to die!!'"

Well, I certainly don't see any way out of this, loyal readers. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion, in which I shall no doubt meet a horrible end!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'ONE IF BIN LADEN, TWO IF HAIKU' PT. VI---

memories of marino

Hear, hear! After a year spent foolishly backpedaling away from the sex and violence it sells so well, the National Football League regained a modicum of respect with today's very wise decision to elect the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, Dan "The Man" Marino, into its Hall of Fame (link goes to Bloomberg.com).

Dan Marino Quarterbacked The Miami Dolphins From 1983-2000, And Will Again In Valhalla

In The Haiku Master's experience, being "The Man" is almost always a bad thing. Who sends you bills? The Man. Who taxes your income? The Man. Who gets filthy rich while you never get enough? The Man. Who says it's illegal to fire off large caliber weapons in the privacy of one's apartment? The Man.

To which I say, "#%$@ The Man."

But Marino is one "The Man" with whom one does not want to #%$@.

I'll probably embarrass Danny by telling this story, but he and I once worked a case together. God, it was ages ago; 1988, I believe, and I was still but a Haiku Apprentice. Earth Command had asked the late Haiku Master Charles Bukowski (my sensei) and me -- along with Marino, Patty Hearst, Evel Knievel, and Chuck D -- to investigate a reported Nazi alien infestation on the Dark Side of the Moon.

Sure enough, Earth Command's suspicions were right on the nail. Seconds after our shuttle touched down on the moon's green cheese surface -- and having been there, I can assure you it is made of green cheese -- our hearty band of adventurers was confronted by a throng of goose-stepping, tentacled, interstellar foreigners!

The battle that ensued was mighty, and may have been my last had it not been for the strong arm and unerring accuracy of Marino. I fought well that day, my friends, and was finishing off one of the Nazi aliens with the Haikung Fu technique referred to as the Cleveland Steamer...but never noticed the alien Kapitän sneaking up behind me!

Fortunately, Marino did -- and rocketed a plutonium-core football at the bastard's head before it had time to remove my own with its plasma sword!

Talentless Hack Jim Carrey Once Got To Make A Movie With Marino

Needless to say, everyone in our group survived that bloody day, though the aliens did not. Which just goes to show: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit in the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't #%$@ around with Dan "The Man" Marino.

Best,