drunk in the heart of texas, pt. VIII

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CHAPTER VIII

Happier Times: Masters Of Mariachi Huddle With Texas Kelly And Dubya Before The Ill-Fated Fresh-Plus Gig

The Fresh-Plus gig... well, let's just say it did not go as planned. Everything seemed fine at first -- it was a beautiful day, my hangover was rapidly receding, and the bargain-minded shoppers before us were eager for a stern mari-rocking. What could possibly go wrong?

"Eh, excuse me, Hombre muy Extraño," said Paulo, clearing his throat. Rudy nudged him forward. "The other guys, they uh, they have a suggestion..."

"Fear not, young grasshopper," I said, graciously. "You'll find the Sultan of Syllables to be all ears when it comes to ideas for improving Masters of Mariachi."

"Heh heh," said Paulo. "Sí. It, uh, it is funny what you say, señor. Heh. Uhhh..."

"Come on, man -- out with it! We haven't got all day! The good patrons of Fresh-Plus await!"

Rudy nudged Paulo again, harder this time.

"Hoo. Okay. Uh, well. See the guys, uh, they think maybe your talents lie outside of the singing."

"Come again?"

"They, uh, they think maybe you would like better the, how you say, triangle?"

"The triangle?! What the hell is the triangle?"

"Eh, you know. Three sides? Pointy? Made of, uh, metal?"

"Well, what does one do with that? Blow into it?"

"No, señor. You hit it. Make nice sound, no?"

"Make nice sound..? No, I -- oh, wait a minute. This is a joke, isn't it? Huh? Are you boys playing a trick on the old Haiku Master? Huh? Huh? Come on now, you can tell me. I won't be mad."

"Uh, no señor," he said, shaking his head slowly. "They, uh, they don't want you to sing no more. They want me -- Paulo."

"Say what?!" I gasped, incredulously. "You're firing me? You little bastards are firing me?! After all I've done for you?!"

"Señor, please," Paulo pleaded. "Don't take it so hard, eh?"

"Does he speak the truth?!" I demanded, turning from Paulo to the other MoM members. "You guys are firing me?"

To a man, and to what will no doubt be their eternal damnation, they nodded in the affirmative.

"You don't fire me!" I screamed, wagging a disapproving finger in their faces. "I fire you! You got that? I! Fire! You!"

With that, the infamous Haiku Master Berserker Rage overtook me, and the world went black. When I came to, I found myself perched at the feet of Austin's famous Lenin Statue... the necks of two smashed mariachi guitars clenched 'tween my bloody fists!

The Haiku Master Ponders His Next Step At Austin's Famous Lenin Statue

"My god!" I hissed. "What have I done? Sweet baby christ, someone tell me what I've done!"

"You've made a big mistake, that's what you've done," came a rough-sounding voice from behind me. I spun around -- only to be smacked in the face by a large, greasy catfish! Before I knew it, I was surrounded by a vicious gang of catfish-wielding heavies, each more fearsome than the one before!

"So, you got questions about The Brotherhood, do you?" one drawled, smacking a catfish into the palm of his open hand. "Let's enlighten him, boys!"

Now I'm no English major, but I'm fairly certain dictionary mogul Funkand Wagnalls doesn't define "enlighten" as sadistically catfish-whipping a person into unconsciousness before urinating on him and stealing his wallet. That is, however, exactly what happened next... as I had finally come face to face with the infamous Brotherhood of Catfishermen!

Needless to say, it's not an experience I'm eager to repeat.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'DRUNK IN THE HEART OF TEXAS' PT. IX---

sorry mr. disney

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER VI

Greetings, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, feeling a little sheepish about a rather embarrassing series of events that occurred today.

It all started innocuously enough. After announcing victory in our legal case against the State of Florida, Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and I decided to celebrate by taking a V.I.P. Tour of Disney World.

The Press Conference Done, H.M., Johnnie, And Paulo Took A V.I.P. Tour Of Disney World

If you've never been on a Disney V.I.P. Tour, I highly recommend doing so at your earliest convenience. Not only do you get a staff of slackjawed peons to see to your every need, but they also let you drink liquor -- a strict "no-no" for the little people!

At any rate, with the free drinks flowing like wine, it wasn't long before Paulo and I were pretty damn wasted...despite having "gobbled" down six turkey legs each in Frontier Land! Feeling no pain nor common sense, we found ourselves in front of the World's Greatest Theme Park Ride -- Pirates of the Caribbean -- and that's when everything starts to get kind of hazy.

Johnnie Cochran Decided To Wait Outside While Paulo And The Haiku Master Enjoyed The Greatest Theme Park Ride On Earth

"Yesh!!" I cried, startling a picture-taking Korean family. "Thash mah dawg! Thash -- HIC! -- mah dawg! C'mon, you scurvy bilge monkeys! Allferoneanoneferall!!"

I don't really remember what happened after that point, but I do know that Johnnie waited outside to sign autographs while Paulo and I went in. I also recall going through the ride multiple times, perhaps as many as 12. Then...

Climbing out of our boat...

Dismantling a couple of animatronic pirates, taking their clothes...

Not knowing all the words to the song, ride patrons noticing...

Violently boarding one boat, setting fire to another...

Paulo vomiting into a lady's purse, me asking for her number...

Scuffling with security guards, Johnnie cursing at us...

H.M. And Paulo Mistakenly Thought They Could Mingle With The Animatronic Pirates Without Being Noticed By Disney Security

Next thing I know, Paulo and I were being shoved out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

"Never disrespect The Mouse, híbrido!" he shouted as the car pulled away. I looked around, and saw we were in front of the Orlando International Greyhound Station. Moreover, we each had a bus ticket in our back pocket -- mine for Baltimore, and Paulo's for Mexico.

"Well, I guess this is it for now, 'com-pad-ray,'" I said, shaking Paulo's hand. "Give me a call once you get back home, and we'll go over some new expansion strategies for the CCCP-US...Commissioner Paulo!!"

"Sí, Hombre muy Extraño," Paulo said sagely. "Adíos."

So remember, kids: remain inside your ride vehicle at all times while at Disney World. Otherwise, you might find yourself being thrown out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

I assure you, this is not something you want.

Best,

v for victory

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER V

Aloha and Mahalo, gentle readers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, reporting from Orlando, FL with most excellent news: CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo has been cleared of all charges, and is a free man as I type these words into my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer!

From Left: The Haiku Master, Johnnie Cochran, And CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo Declare Victory At A Press Conference Near Lenin's Statue In Disney World
(Click For Larger Image)

Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and myself just made the official announcement via a nationally televised press conference from the base of Lenin's Statue in Disney World, and I couldn't be happier...both for the Commish and myself, as my bench warrant has been dropped, too! God bless the U.S. legal system!

As always, grasshoppers, I know what you're thinking: "But Haiku Master -- things looked so bleak! Your plans for a 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament charity fundraiser had fallen through!! How did this miracle come to pass?!?"

Okay, okay! The Sultan of Syllables will provide you with the answers you seek, but only if you first achieve a calmer state of being! I don't want anyone wetting themselves as they read the dangerously lurid details that lie ahead!

I was at my top secret base of operations last night, washing my eyes for the 36th time after being tricked into witnessing the horror that is Tubgirl,* when the phone rang.

"Haiku Master residence," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"H.M.! It's me, Johnnie!"

"Johnny Ramone? I thought you were dead!"

"No, not Johnny, Johnnie -- Johnnie Cochran, your attorney!"

"Oh, Johnnie! Why didn't you say so!"

"I did, you--! Look, never mind that. I've got big news, son! Big news!"

"Well, lay it on me!"

Lay it on me he did, revealing that the judge in the case, the Honorable Melvin J. Snobglass XIII, was an old golfing buddy of his, and had agreed to throw out the charges on one condition.

"Oh?" I said, warily. "And what might that one condition be?"

"That you star in an anti-cockfighting ad campaign being produced by Mel's Rotary club."

"Gah! The Rotarians! Those fiends?! Nothing doing!"

"Well, it's either that or Paulo rots in jail and you get arrested the next time you set foot in Florida."

"But...but...that would mean no more MTV Spring Break guest appearances!"

"Your choice, H.M."

"Fine! Fine, I'll do it! But I want it noted that I'm doing so under extreme duress!"

"Duly noted. I'll see you in an hour."

True to his word, Johnnie soon picked me up in his diamond-encrusted private helicopter, and we flew south to collect Paulo and announce the good news. Though I'm still not comfortable with the following ad, considering the source of its funding:

Just Say "No" To Cockfighting, Kids

Ah, well. I'm just glad this whole nasty episode is behind us, so Paulo and I can get back to the important business of CCCP-US expansion.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. VI---
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* Seriously, Shelton -- watch your back.