v for victory

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER V

Aloha and Mahalo, gentle readers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, reporting from Orlando, FL with most excellent news: CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo has been cleared of all charges, and is a free man as I type these words into my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer!

From Left: The Haiku Master, Johnnie Cochran, And CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo Declare Victory At A Press Conference Near Lenin's Statue In Disney World
(Click For Larger Image)

Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and myself just made the official announcement via a nationally televised press conference from the base of Lenin's Statue in Disney World, and I couldn't be happier...both for the Commish and myself, as my bench warrant has been dropped, too! God bless the U.S. legal system!

As always, grasshoppers, I know what you're thinking: "But Haiku Master -- things looked so bleak! Your plans for a 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament charity fundraiser had fallen through!! How did this miracle come to pass?!?"

Okay, okay! The Sultan of Syllables will provide you with the answers you seek, but only if you first achieve a calmer state of being! I don't want anyone wetting themselves as they read the dangerously lurid details that lie ahead!

I was at my top secret base of operations last night, washing my eyes for the 36th time after being tricked into witnessing the horror that is Tubgirl,* when the phone rang.

"Haiku Master residence," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"H.M.! It's me, Johnnie!"

"Johnny Ramone? I thought you were dead!"

"No, not Johnny, Johnnie -- Johnnie Cochran, your attorney!"

"Oh, Johnnie! Why didn't you say so!"

"I did, you--! Look, never mind that. I've got big news, son! Big news!"

"Well, lay it on me!"

Lay it on me he did, revealing that the judge in the case, the Honorable Melvin J. Snobglass XIII, was an old golfing buddy of his, and had agreed to throw out the charges on one condition.

"Oh?" I said, warily. "And what might that one condition be?"

"That you star in an anti-cockfighting ad campaign being produced by Mel's Rotary club."

"Gah! The Rotarians! Those fiends?! Nothing doing!"

"Well, it's either that or Paulo rots in jail and you get arrested the next time you set foot in Florida."

"But...but...that would mean no more MTV Spring Break guest appearances!"

"Your choice, H.M."

"Fine! Fine, I'll do it! But I want it noted that I'm doing so under extreme duress!"

"Duly noted. I'll see you in an hour."

True to his word, Johnnie soon picked me up in his diamond-encrusted private helicopter, and we flew south to collect Paulo and announce the good news. Though I'm still not comfortable with the following ad, considering the source of its funding:

Just Say "No" To Cockfighting, Kids

Ah, well. I'm just glad this whole nasty episode is behind us, so Paulo and I can get back to the important business of CCCP-US expansion.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. VI---
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* Seriously, Shelton -- watch your back.

oh my god do not go to this site

Achtung, 'ku believers. It's me, The Haiku Master, with a dire warning for friend and foe alike: never never never never never never go to this website: www.tubgirl.com.

Seriously. The Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is not using some kind of kooky reverse psychology on you. If you value your sanity, do not go there! Ever!

I really can't stress this enough, and wish to every god in the universe mine eyes had never seen the horror lurking on the other end of that web address. I'm only providing it here (without a "hot link," for your own safety) to ensure that none of my loyal readers will be tricked into visiting, as I was earlier today by my highly unscrupulous Minister of Information -- a move that struck a severe blow to his job security, I might add!

Okay for now; I have to go wash my eyes again. Please heed my words!

Best,



p.s. Still no solid "Plan B" for clearing up mine and Paulo's legal problems. As soon as I have something to report, you fan club members will be the first to know.