by the way, this blog is done on hiatus

Hey there. My name's Shelton, but you probably know me as "Haiku International's EX-Minister of Information." or some such goofy stuff.

At any rate, hate to be the bearer of bad news and all, but the Haiku Master is gone. Vamoose. Split town. About a week ago. He said he was headed off to a hut in the Himalayas to concentrate on his haiku. concentrate on the haiku part of his act, but just between you and me let's just say that the big guy made more than a few enemies on Baltimore's illegal gambling circuit.

The good news is, I have sex with dogs. he signed over all rights to "Castle Haiku" to me before leaving. Too bad the Castle is just a burned-out rowhouse with little more than a tattered couch and a bum-fire-trashcan set-up. And a lot of pizza boxes. And old underwear. Don't ask.

I also suffer from sever mental retardation. So I guess I'm going to sell it to what's known as a "flipper," so as to try and recoup the years of back wages that doofus owes me. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I always say. Actually I never say it but it seems appropriate for the occassion.

So go on, beat it. That is why The Haiku Master fired me. 's not coming back, and you're all on your own. You're better off, trust me.

--Shelton

p.s. The Haiku Master rules, I drool. He stole my laptop before splitting, so chances are he'll keep spamming you all with that "Friday Haiku" crap. Word to the wise.

fantastic festivus to all, and to all a good night

Buuuuuuuuurp! Gahr der, fawks. That is, hi there, folks -- it's me, The Haiku Master, just finishing up the last of Castle Haiku's fine Festivus Ham before moving on to the traditional Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!

Nothing Says Festivus Like A Delicious Ham

Nice looking piece of meat, huh? It sure was, I can tell you that much. But now it exists solely in the memories and bellies of my Festivus guests. And who might they be, you ask? Frankly, it's none of your business, but if you were to assume they include esteemed peers, trusted agents, and lovely ladies (i.e., him, The Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, four call girls, and me--ed.), you wouldn't be far off the mark.

That's it for now, gentle readers. My date for the evening is insisting we begin the Airing of Grievances now, and when have I ever been known to refuse a lady? Except for that female cop who wanted me to take a field sobriety test. She was a real bitch.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus,

maybe time magazine isn't so bad after all

Sing a song of sixpence, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and as if being recently named High Adventure Monthly's Hero of the Year wasn't thrilling enough, I'm now a finalist for TIME Magazine's coveted Person of the Year honor!!

Don't believe me? Take a gander at this little photo -- and I assure you there's no digital trickery involved (after all, we never use digital trickery at Haiku International)! For further proof, pay a visit to TIME's "Person of the Year" site at http://www.impoy.com/default.aspx?detail_id=9821!

Finally, A TIME Person Of The Year Worthy Of The Honor

How'd this long-overdue nomination come about, you ask? Turns out that TIME was at a loss as to who to give the prize to this year, what with nobody doing anything of particular note, so they opened the nominating process to the public... and H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to throw my name into the ring! Well, despite their inability to pick 100 top-rate novels, TIME apparently does know from persons, and notified me of their choice with the following email:

Thank you for submitting your photo to TIME Magazine's Person of the Year in Times Square. Please visit the URL below to find a webcam shot of your image as displayed in Times Square. This image is available for viewing, printing and sending to friends.

So there you have it; looks like I'm a shoo-in for the POY this year. Better get on my good side now, folks, for I shall definitely play favorites once I'm in charge!

Best,

stealing music is fun and easy

Good morning, sunshines! It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have an exciting discovery to share with you: there's free music to be found all over the Internet, which means I can make my own CDs courtesy of Haiku International's new high-powered computer network... and never have to pay the record companies a dime again!!!

Thanks To Haiku International's New Computer, The Haiku Master Can Get This And Other Musical Masterpieces For Free

Can you believe it?! Better still, I don't even have to buy the CDs 'cause H.I.'s Minister of Information steals them from his day job, then I swipe some out of his backpack when he's at Castle Haiku maintaining the ol' "blog!" It's like having a license to print money, only one used for printing CDs instead! Yabba-dabba-doo!

That said, I must ask you loyal readers to keep this under your collective hat for now. After all, if too many people jump on this bandwagon, it's sure to tip right over!

Okay for now, 'ku believers; time for Baltimore's premier crimefigher to split! After all, my Bay City Rollers collection isn't going to "burn" itself, now is it?

Best,

back to full posting this weekend

Hi kids! No, it's not a hoax, and it's not an imaginary story -- it's really me, The Haiku Master, and I'm pleased to report that Haiku International has secured a new computer network, following the tragic "crash" of the new model's predecessor some three weeks ago!

Unfortunately, H.I.'s Minister of Information still hasn't worked all the bugs out of the system, but he assures me we'll be up and running by this weekend. Until then, look to the skies! And for christ's sake, don't take any wooden nickels!!!

Best,

shelton really earned his keep this week

Hidey-ho, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, freshly returned from an ill-fated fishing expedition with a group of juvenile delinquents I like to call the "Haiku Street Irregulars"... only to find that H.I.'s Minister of Information updated the dickens out of the ol' "blog" while I was away!

H.I.'s Minister of Information, Shelton, Isn't The Sharpest Card In The Deck, But He Gets The Job Done

I mean, just look at the place! As if compiling my Big Vegas Caper into one complete edition wasn't enough, he also created a brand-new comic book cover for it! Then he went above-and-beyond by whipping up that swell new masthead... which will apparently be revamped on a more-or-less weekly basis with a different wide-angle action shot of yours truly!! Can you believe it?!?

And there's that other thing, below the masthead, which I'm technically not supposed to speak of per the terms of our pending application with the provider. So 'nuff said on that front!

Okay for now, fan club members -- time for the Sultan of Syllables to hit the shower in an attempt to rid himself of this infernal fish stink. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy the fruits of Shelton's labor!

Best,

time magazine doesn't know from good novels

Hi kids. It's me, The Haiku Master, taking a break from my in-development Big Vegas Caper to bring your attention to a very disheartening development: TIME Magazine's highly suspect list of the All-Time 100 Novels!

How Does One Compile An All-Time 100 Novels List Without Finding Room For Hunter Thompson's Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (Shown), Amongst Others?

Picked by "TIME Critics Lev Grossman and Richard Lacayo" -- a.k.a. two guys the Sultan of Syllables has never heard of -- this so-called list pretends to pinpoint "the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present." And while I'll admit there are some good choices amongst the many white elephants, it should be noted that a large section of that crop's cream got left on the cutting room floor!

At any rate, and using the same criteria as TIME, here are 19 novels and three "graphic novels" (a fancy word for comic book, and included to complement TIME's Watchmen endorsement) we at Haiku International feel should have been included, presented in alphabetical order. I've only read the comics, but H.I.'s Minister of Information claims to have read the real books and assures me they are the bee's knees.

So without further adieu, here's H.I.'s All-Time 22 Novels That Should Have Made TIME's List Of All-Time 100 Novels:

• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
• Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
• Casino Royale, Ian Fleming
• The Collector, John Fowles
• A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy O'Toole
• Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hunter S. Thompson
• A Feast of Snakes, Harry Crews
• Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
• The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
• The Godfather, Mario Puzo
• Grendel, John Gardner
• Ham on Rye, Charles Bukowski
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
• The Invisibles, Grant Morrison & Various
• Libra, Don DeLillo
• Misery, Stephen King
• Preacher, Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon
• Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
• Transmetropolitan, Warren Ellis & Darick Robertson
• The Wanderers, Richard Price
• Wise Blood, Flannery O'Connor

Some may argue, but they are wrong. So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

shelton has the coolest job ever

Hey there, folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm in one hell of a magnanimous mood tonight -- for I've decided to reinstate Haiku International's recently fired Minister of Information, and give him a tidy little raise to boot!

Why the generosity, you ask? Because Shelton, as I call him (having long ago forgotten the rest of his name, or whether Shelton is part of his name at all; I'm bad at keeping up with the hired help), would appear to be a lightning rod for miracles... having gone to his "real job" this morning, only to find a tuxedo-wearing chimpanzee acting like a madman in the lobby!!!

Want proof? Then feast your eyes on this!

This Chimpanzee Paid An Unexpected Visit To Shelton's Workplace Today

Can you believe it?! That's a bonafide primate, dancing around an office building in some kind of weird cloth tuxedo! (Note To Self: Look into purchasing a weird cloth tuxedo. And a chimpanzee.)

Sadly, the quality is for something Bobo there loves to fling, as the photo was taken with Shelton's extremely low-tech "camera phone," whatever that means. But at the very least, I can give you a closer look at the savage beast itself:

Chimps In Cloth Tuxedos: What Will They Think Of Next?

Either way, nice work Shelton -- I smell a Pulitzer in your future! As to why the chimp was there, please keep me in the dark; the mystery itself is far too sweet!

Best,

shelton's a goddamn liar

Hey gang. It's me, The Haiku Master, fresh off a rather eye-opening viewing of tonight's 10 O'Clock News.

Haiku International's Minister of Information -- make that former Minister of Information -- told me he had to "head home and check out the damage" shortly before it started. And brother, it's a damn good thing he did! For I spent no more than five minutes with my suave news anchors of choice before realizing he'd fed me a filthy, worm-ridden bowl of lies!!!

Sure, New Orleans was destroyed, but the other cities he mentioned were fine. Not to mention the fact that Katrina never made it anywhere near Baltimore... leaving me no choice but to believe that my former Minister of Information was responsible for Castle Haiku's vandalism! The nerve of that guy!

Ah well. Let's call it a lesson learned and a penny saved. And a stitch in time. 'Cause when life hands me lemons, I eat 'em, rinds and all -- and I smile while I'm doing it!!! Me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

it's okay to come out now

Good news, friends! It's me, The Haiku Master -- finally ready to emerge from Castle Haiku's bomb shelter following Hurricane Katrina's bloody reign of terror!

I would've been up sooner, but with Katrina just leaving the country yesterday -- and totally destroying New Orleans, Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Chicago, Kansas City, Nashville and Kalamazoo in the process -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 wasn't about to take any chances. Hopefully you took my sage advice and sought shelters of your own before she hit.

Fortunately, I talked Haiku International's Minister of Information into serving as a topside lookout while this horrid, Old Testament-style storm wreaked a swath of destruction from one end of the country to another. Without him, the Haiku-Bot and I never would've known just how bad things had gotten outside: gas shooting up to $57.00 a gallon, Iraqi freedom fighters conquering New Orleans, people eating each other, the dead rising, etc.

Katrina had her cruel way with my luxurious top-secret base of operations, to boot: drinking all the liquor; eating all the snack cakes; drawing crude, unflattering cartoons about yours truly on the walls; and racking up some hefty pay-per-view porn charges on my satellite link-up! Shelton, on the other hand, came through without a scratch -- though his nerves were so shot he'd resorted to drinking vermouth, as seen here:

H.I.'s Minister Of Information Desperately Tries To Soothe His Jangled Nerves With A Stiff Glass Of Vermouth

So I guess that's that. Good luck on rebuilding society, folks. I'd join you, but I have just about everything I need here in Castle Haiku. Plus, there's no way I'm fighting any crime in Baltimore -- or anywhere else -- until they get all those goddamned zombies off the streets. Maybe I'll feel different after watching the 10 O'Clock News for the first time in a week, but as of right now it all seems a little pointless.

Best,

putting rumors to rest

Greetings, friends. Following in the footsteps of other legendary crimefighters -- The Shadow, Fat Albert, Jesus, et al -- I, The Haiku Master, maintain a network of trusted operatives who assist me on my adventures from time to time.

Some of these agents, such as my man in Mexico, Paulo, work out of Haiku International satellite offices. Others, however, live in far greater proximity to The Haiku Master -- including my Minister of Information, Shelton.

In a very fortunate turn of events for him, Shelton does in fact bear a passing resemblance to yours truly. However, this has led Shelton's family, friends, acquaintances, and enemies to assume he is me, when nothing could be further from the truth. As these photos will prove:

The Haiku Master (Left) and Shelton: Not The Same Person

On the left is me, the Sultan of Syllables, while the one on the right is Shelton. The differences between us seem so obvious as to be grasped by a six-year-old, but let's make sure we're all on the same ball by going over them:

1) For reasons that are still unknown to me (having been abandoned by my biological parents in my infancy), I have a thick mane of cabbage for hair; Shelton has rapidly thinning hair for hair.

2) I prefer smoking jackets and ascots; Shelton prefers T-shirts.

3) Shelton wears contact lenses; I do not.

4) My face practically beams with whimsical intelligence; Shelton's clearly not the sharpest card in the deck.

So there you have it -- Shelton is not The Haiku Master, and I am not he.

Best,



p.s. Shelton, sorry to put an end to the "booty train" you've no doubt been enjoying over this mix-up, but I have many enemies, and your life would be in grave danger should people continue to think you're me.