journey into mexico, pt. I

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CHAPTER I

So it was that I, The Haiku Master, found myself in Mexico following a battle with nine crazed limerickists. Injured and penniless, I had no choice but to travel the long, dangerous road back to my country, with nothing but my battle-hardened Haikung Fu to stave off any troublemakers who dared cross my path.

Mexico

As you may recall, I had awakened from a two-week black out, only to find myself buying a round of drinks in a Mexican cantina. Unfortunately for me, my new friends and the bartender, my pockets proved to be completely empty when it came time to pay the bill; a situation referred to by the locals as "sans dinero."

In a tight spot, I offered to parlay my mad haiku skillz into payment, but the bartender wasn’t having it. Nor would he accept the fine necklace of limerickist ears wound 'round my neck.

“No,” he said, rudely poking a pudgy finger into my chest. “Usted debe pagar con el dinero.”

“No hablo español,” I countered.

He sized me up, then nodded to one of his henchmen.

“Paulo,” he said. “Diga a hombre que él debe pagar con el dinero.”

“Senór,” the henchman, Paulo, said. “My boss says you must pay with money.”

The Haiku Master's Mexican Guide, Paulo

The jig was up. No hope left but to try my order’s most trusted secret -- the Haiku Master Mind Trick.

“Take me to Jabba...” I said, wiggling my fingers in front of the henchman’s face.

Paulo’s eyes glazed over. Spittle began to drool from the corner of his mouth. “I will take you to Jabba,” he said.

“...You serve your master so well...”

“I serve my master so well.”

“...You will get a raise.”

“I will get a raise.”

“I must be allowed to pay with haiku,” I said, this time to the bartender.

“He must be allowed to pay with haiku,” Paulo said, imploring his boss to be reasonable.

The bartender had heard enough, and slapped his servant hard across the face. “¡Usted es un tonto con una mente débil!” he screeched. “¡Él está utilizando uno viejos trucos de los mentos de los Amos del Haiku!”

Clearly, the language barrier was preventing my Haiku Master Mind Trick from working on the bartender, which meant it was time to fall back on the Cobra Kai Temple's weapon of last resort: good old-fashioned violence.

Twenty minutes later, Paulo and I stumbled forth from the smoking ruins of what had been a pretty choice cantina. We headed north into the night.

An Uncharitable Cantina Owner Is Forced To Ponder His Next Step Following An Ill-Fated Visit From The Haiku Master

“But senór,” Paulo said as we walked. “I still have one question.”

“Yes, grasshopper,” I replied graciously.

“Who is this Jabba? Why must I take you to Jabba?"

"That’s not important," I said. "What is important is my ravenous hunger. So, first thing’s first -- we need to track down some dinner."

---CLICK HERE FOR 'JOURNEY INTO MEXICO' PT. II---