get up and get your grandma out of here

Pick up, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, working hard this year, and now that Haiku International's computer problems are behind me I can get back to the business of thrilling and chilling you in style!

That's right! No more TRS-80 SuperMobile Laptop for the Sultan of Syllables -- not with the wickedly-fast, potentially alien-created system known only as KAISER-1 powering H.I.'s online activities!!

KAISER-1 Will Keep Haiku International Humming For A Long Time To Come, Assuming The Haiku Master Doesn't Spill Beer On It

A real beauty, huh? I'd tell you how much she set me back, but frankly, I don't want you people hitting me up for loans.

Okay for now, friends. I'm currently tracking a nefarious criminal organization whose members dress like nuns to sell drugs to schoolchildren... and my sources tell me Vice President Dick Cheney is involved! Needless to say, that requires my immediate attention; hopefully, I'll have more details for you tomorrow!

Best,

gone gamblin'

Hey gang! It's me, The Haiku Master, and like a yin-yang symbol come to stunning life, I have good news and bad news for you, both in equal measures!

The good news is, I'm jetting off to beautiful Las Vegas tomorrow morning for a well-deserved vacation. The bad news is, I'm leaving my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer at home, so there'll be no updates from the road for you fine people while I'm gone!

Now, before you go slitting your wrists, bear in mind that this "blog" will still be here while I'm hitting the craps tables. Which means you can go back and re-read old adventures, and pretend that they're brand new posts from yours truly! Plus, I'll be back on Monday, and I'm sure I'll have loads of juicy details to share with you then.

So au revoir, 'ku believers! If you'll be in Vegas this weekend, be sure to look me up! Naturally, I'll be staying at the local Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master!

Best,

free at last

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER VI

Rejoice, 'ku believers! It's me -- the real me -- The Haiku Master, back with an extremely important message: avoid the so-called "Church" of Scientology at all cost!! Your life and/or sanity may very well depend on it!

As for me, I just escaped from one of their fiendish "intensive auditing" camps. After a daring getaway, I returned to my top secret base of operations... only to find it compromised by a cheap robot version of yours truly! No trouble there, though. Stealing a page from ol' Captain Kirk's playbook, I busted out some spurious logic and totally fried the tin-plated bastard's brain in seconds flat!

The Haiku Master Learned How To Short-Circuit Robots By Watching Star Trek Reruns

Alas, even with the dastardly Haiku-Bot out of the picture, my longtime HQ is no longer secure. So I'm putting it up for sale, and am officially in the market for a new top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs! In the meantime, I'll be laying low at a safe house (read: room at an undisclosed YMCA--ed.). But don't worry: my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer is in my possession, so I'll be able to stay in touch while I'm "underground!"

Okay for now, fan club members -- time for the Sultan of Syllables to wolf down a sausage pizza and pint of whiskey before making his nightly patrol. Be sure to heed my warning about those kooky Scientologists! I'd hate to hear about any of you being replaced by low-rent 'droids with bad comma-use programs. You deserve better!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VII---
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P.S. Want to read what some former Scientologists have to say about Hubbard's cult? Visit www.xenu.net today!

P.P.S. Please disregard the last three posts, as they were all made or altered by the Haiku-Bot. I'd delete them, but crimefighting and haiku writing don't leave much free time for learning advanced computerology.

v for victory

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER V

Aloha and Mahalo, gentle readers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, reporting from Orlando, FL with most excellent news: CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo has been cleared of all charges, and is a free man as I type these words into my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer!

From Left: The Haiku Master, Johnnie Cochran, And CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo Declare Victory At A Press Conference Near Lenin's Statue In Disney World
(Click For Larger Image)

Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and myself just made the official announcement via a nationally televised press conference from the base of Lenin's Statue in Disney World, and I couldn't be happier...both for the Commish and myself, as my bench warrant has been dropped, too! God bless the U.S. legal system!

As always, grasshoppers, I know what you're thinking: "But Haiku Master -- things looked so bleak! Your plans for a 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament charity fundraiser had fallen through!! How did this miracle come to pass?!?"

Okay, okay! The Sultan of Syllables will provide you with the answers you seek, but only if you first achieve a calmer state of being! I don't want anyone wetting themselves as they read the dangerously lurid details that lie ahead!

I was at my top secret base of operations last night, washing my eyes for the 36th time after being tricked into witnessing the horror that is Tubgirl,* when the phone rang.

"Haiku Master residence," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"H.M.! It's me, Johnnie!"

"Johnny Ramone? I thought you were dead!"

"No, not Johnny, Johnnie -- Johnnie Cochran, your attorney!"

"Oh, Johnnie! Why didn't you say so!"

"I did, you--! Look, never mind that. I've got big news, son! Big news!"

"Well, lay it on me!"

Lay it on me he did, revealing that the judge in the case, the Honorable Melvin J. Snobglass XIII, was an old golfing buddy of his, and had agreed to throw out the charges on one condition.

"Oh?" I said, warily. "And what might that one condition be?"

"That you star in an anti-cockfighting ad campaign being produced by Mel's Rotary club."

"Gah! The Rotarians! Those fiends?! Nothing doing!"

"Well, it's either that or Paulo rots in jail and you get arrested the next time you set foot in Florida."

"But...but...that would mean no more MTV Spring Break guest appearances!"

"Your choice, H.M."

"Fine! Fine, I'll do it! But I want it noted that I'm doing so under extreme duress!"

"Duly noted. I'll see you in an hour."

True to his word, Johnnie soon picked me up in his diamond-encrusted private helicopter, and we flew south to collect Paulo and announce the good news. Though I'm still not comfortable with the following ad, considering the source of its funding:

Just Say "No" To Cockfighting, Kids

Ah, well. I'm just glad this whole nasty episode is behind us, so Paulo and I can get back to the important business of CCCP-US expansion.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. VI---
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* Seriously, Shelton -- watch your back.