out with the old, in with the new

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, ringing out the Old Year with the last Haiku International post of 2005!

Unfortunately, I have a lot to do before Castle Haiku's gala New Year's party later tonight, so this isn't destined to be one of my better crafted missives. Instead, I'm going to borrow a page from the hack journalist's playbook and present you with a slapped-together list of top 10 stuff; heck, let's call it The Top 10 Things The Haiku Master Ate In 2005! Here we go:

1) Sausage Pizza: If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, but nothing tastes better than a pipin' hot sausage pizza. Ask for it by name!

2) Hostess Snack Cakes: My obligatory crimefighter endorsement deal with them aside, there really is no finer snack cake on the market. Twinkies? Zingers?! Ho-Hos?!? Only as a last resort as far as I'm concerned!

3) Hoagies: Thanks to the Haiku-Bot's deft hoagie-making abilities, this category made a big jump in the past year, and may even be a serious contender for the top spot in 2006!

4) Lucky Charms: Nothing says breakfast like a paranoid, gold-hoarding leprechaun. Also great as a late-night snack straight out of the box!

5) Cheese: And plenty of it.

6) Hamburgers: Two of my close, personal friends, Jughead Jones and Wellington J. Wimpy, turned me on to these bad boys at an early age, and I've never been able to say "no" to them since.

7) Mashed Potatoes: My preferred movie-watching munchies.

8) Gravy: Goes great by itself, as well as with a variety of other items -- including #s 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9 on this list.

9) Chewing Tobacco: Most wouldn't consider this a food, but if you've got the stomach for swallowing, you'll find it to be a real delicacy.

10) Pop Rocks: A classic never goes out of style.

So there you have it -- the Top 10 Things eaten by the Sultan of Syllables in 2005. Look for next year's list in about 12 months, and until then, have one hell of a Happy New Year!

Best,

they turned me loose

Get back, funky cats! It's me, The Haiku Master, free at last from the fortune cookie factory where I'd been held hostage for the past week!

Though as it turns out, I wasn't actually in a fortune cookie factory. 'Twould appear I drank too much port wine following the Airing of Grievances at my gala Festivus dinner, then climbed into an empty fortune cookie case and passed out before we even got to the Feats of Strength. Being the trickster he is, H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to tape the box shut and secure it in one of Castle Haiku's many stately broom closets before leaving for a holiday visit with his family in Cuba. Or was it Puerto Rico? One of those Caribbean republics with bananas and goats and what-not.

The Haiku Master Spent A Week In This Box

At any rate, he returned last night and let me out, laughing uproariously at his own hijinks. I would've fired him on the spot for this effrontery, but nobody loves a good prank more than the Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Besides, even schoolchildren know that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Okay for now, 'ku believers. Time for yours truly to prepare for the big New Year's Eve bash I'm hosting tomorrow night! As always, look for your invitation in the mail, assuming you rate one!

Best,

happy rooster year

G'day, mates! It's me, The Haiku Master -- back with warm wishes for you on the first day of the year 4703!

Don't worry, though; I haven't been whisked away to the future on some crazy adventure or anything. See, 4703 is the current year if you're Chinese...and as if a high-falutin' number like that wasn't cool enough on its own, they're calling it the Year of the Rooster, to boot!

Foghorn Leghorn Ponders The Possibilities Presented By An Entire Year Devoted To His People

As you can tell from my profile picture, I'm not Chinese, but I am a certified Master of Haiku. As you may or may not know, haiku originated in Japan, which in turn is very close to China (or so my agents tell me). So it seemed only right that I join my Chinese step-brothers in celebration.

And what better way to ring in the Year of the Rooster than with a slam-bam, no-holds-barred, winner-take-all cockfight?!?

Details to come, but it'll probably take place behind the 7-11 near my top secret base of operations, with a $25 entry fee and a strict BYOC policy.

Hope to see you there!

Best,



p.s. No robot chickens allowed.