dead alert

Happy All Hallow's Eve Eve, friends! It's me, world-renowned adventurer and bon vivant The Haiku Master with a dire message for one and all: stay off the streets for the next couple nights if you want to live!!!

After all, the zombies are pretty thick out there this time of year.

Zombies Rule The Streets Of Baltimore Every Halloween

Heck, they got my across-the-street neighbor while he was walking his dog last night! One of them ate the heart right out of his chest while another gnawed on what appeared to be his genital region. Horrible way to go. Horrible! I would've helped, but the Sultan of Syllables adopted a strict policy against combating the undead following last year's scare. Besides, I can't be expected to do everything for our grossly overpaid law enforcement community!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if I can figure out who this "Mister Cruise" is the Haiku-Bot keeps calling. He better not be planning a vacation, I'll tell you that much!

Best,

something's wrong with that robot

I'm glad you're here, fan club members! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm hoping you can help me with a problem.

It's the Haiku-Bot, see; he's been acting screwy ever since I got back from the Himalayas. For starters, he's taken to wearing a tough-looking sleeveless smoking jacket. He also appears to be more... roboty. If that's possible. With red, beady little eyes. But that's not what worries me.

The Haiku Master Can't Put His Finger On It, But Something's Different About The Haiku-Bot These Days

No, it's his attitude that really has me on edge. He barely does anything I ask him to, and when he does, it's always with a boat-load of lip! Then he spends all his free time in the basement, making phone calls that he refuses to discuss with me. Oh, and his once world-class hoagies? I think he's buying them from the gas station down the street!

All of which makes me think it might be time to send H.B. to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a tune-up. In the meantime, should you have any robot psychology tips, feel free to send 'em my way. I have a feeling I'm going to need them.

Best,

another day, another disappointment

Howdy ho, 'ku believers. It's me, The Haiku Master, still having no luck at getting once-trusted Haiku International operatives to flock to my banner now that I've returned. In fact, even H.I.'s former Minister of Operations & Defense Oswald "Oz" Carver turned me down!

Haiku International's Former Minister Of Operations & Defense, Oswald "Oz" Carver

"Carver residence," he said when I called earlier. "What's the meaning of this?"

"Oz?"

"Maybe. Who's this?"

"It's me, Oz -- H.M.!"

"Aych Em?"

"H.M.! You know, The Haiku Master!"

"Oh, you. What do you want? And make it fast, halfwit, I'm a busy man."

"Uh... well, as you probably expected, now that I'm back from the Himalayas--"

"You call this fast? Cut to the chase!"

"I--"

"While we're young!"

"Er--"

"Goddammit! Enough with the monkey noises! Speak, man! Speak!"

"Okay, okay! I'm relaunching Haiku International and was wondering..."

"Not! Interested! Good day to you, sir!"

"But--"

"I said 'good day to you, sir!' Now shove off!"

With that, he hung up. Or rather slammed the phone down, as my still-ringing ear can attest. What a jerk.

Oh well, I didn't really want his fat ass hanging around Castle Haiku again anyhow. And frankly, he scares me. As does his blog. Good riddance to bad rubbish as far as I'm concerned. Me... The Haiku Master!

Best,

getting the band back together is proving difficult

Come on in, kids. It's your old friend, The Haiku Master, but I'm feeling a little glum... 'cause I'm having very little luck getting firm commitments to future adventures from formerly staunch Haiku International agents and associates!

I know, I can hardly believe it myself! The nerve of those bums -- now I know how Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane! At any rate, here's a run-down of what some of the more notable ones say they're too busy doing to help me out if I find myself in a pinch:

• Paulo: Running a cockfighting academy in Pescados Muertos, Mexico. Think Han's island in Enter the Dragon, only replace "Han" with "Paulo," "island" with "bombed-out Mexican village," and "kung fu" with "cockfighting," and you'll get the idea.

• Professor de la Groove: Doing tantric research aboard the International Space Station, along with some call girls and his assistants Ralphus and Malphus. Not scheduled to return to Earth until mid-2007.


Ralphus







Malphus







• Texas Kelly: Managing an up-and-coming "boy band" down in Austin, TX, with the help of his longtime sidekick/Bizarro Bush clone, Dubya. He says the band, Young Taint, has superstardom in their grasp, and he can't leave them alone at this juncture without fear of some other manager stealing them away.

Dubya







• Angelina Jolie: Bitch shacked up with Brad Pitt, in case you hadn't heard. Pitt can have my sloppy seconds for all I care -- I've got my eye on Scarlett Johansson these days, anyway. Besides, I've never viewed a houseful of adopted street urchins as desireable.

So there you have it. Good thing the Haiku-Bot and new H.I. operative Brother Ko are onhand to get my back if things get hairy. Ooh, not to mention the Haiku Street Irregulars. I wonder what those scamps are up to, anyway? Guess I'll leave a bottle of hooch out by the trash cans and see how many show up. Those kids sure love their liquor.

Best,

just like old times

Welcome back, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, just returned from a trip to the local Piggly Wiggly, and you'll never guess who I ran into -- my sometime ally and sometime foe, Old Man Winter!

The Haiku Master (Left) And Old Man Winter (Right) Both Love Shopping At Piggly Wiggly

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master!" he shouted as we crossed paths in the dairy aisle. "It's me Haiku Master, Old Man Winter! Remember me?"

"Of course I remember you!" I replied, clapping him gladly on the shoulder. "How've you been, old soul?"

"Eh, as well as can be expected. You know, what with me being old and all. But hey, Haiku Master! My name's not Old Soul! It's Old Man Winter!"

"Yes, of course it is. So, anything new?"

"Yeah, there sure is -- I got married, Haiku Master! Whaddya think of that?"

"That's fantastic! Is the blushing bride here?"

"Nah."

"Oh, at home then?"

"Nah."

"Uh... alright then. Where is she?"

"Oh, she's dead. I froze her to death, Haiku Master! I froze my little buttercup right to death!"

"That... that's tragic, man! I don't know what to say."

"Eh, don't worry about it. I'd gone off my meds for a bit, and you know how I get when I'm off my meds."

"Don't I ever."

"Well okay, Haiku Master! It was good seeing you!"

"Likewise, old friend."

"No, Haiku Master, you got it all wrong again! It's Old Man Winter! See? Old Man Winter!"

"Right you are. Don't be a stranger now, hear?"

"You betcha, Haiku Master! Catch you later!"

Old Man Winter walked off, leaving me to finish my shopping. Sure was nice seeing the guy. Too bad about his wife, but then, any woman who marries Old Man Winter kind of gets what she has coming.

Best,

home sweet home

Hail and well met, 'ku believers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, back at last from my retreat atop an exclusive Himalayan mountain, ready once more to thrill you and chill you with the singular brand of high adventure that I and only I can deliver! Plus, plenty of run-on sentences and exclamation points!!!

Believe it! As I type these words, I'm safely ensconced back in the loving arms of my state-of-the-art crimefighting headquarters, a.k.a. Castle Haiku. In fact, I returned just this afternoon, accompanied by Haiku International's newest operative, Brother Ko. He was one of the monks at the monastery where I was staying, but wisely fled with me once we discovered the place was actually a front for a nefarious angel trumpet operation!

The Haiku Master (Right) And Brother Ko (Left) Make A Triumphant Return To Castle Haiku

In fact, that tale is an Epic Saga in its own right, but it'll have to wait -- the Haiku-Bot just dropped off a fresh plate of hoagies, and I still have half a bottle of George Dickel: The Official Whiskey of The Haiku Master to finish before I hit the sack. I'll catch up with you fine folks later, at which time I shall still be... The Haiku Master!

Best,