the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. V

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CHAPTER V

Not surprisingly, Professor de la Groove entered the Space Quest Casino at precisely 12:00 p.m. -- "local time" -- accompanied as always by his assistants, Ralphus and Malphus. Much to my embarrassment, however, Old Man Winter, Paulo, and Dubya were nowhere to be seen... despite O.M.W.'s glib assurances to the contrary!

Professor De La Groove (Center) And His Assistants, Ralphus (Left) and Malphus, Arrive At The Space Quest Casino

"So H.M.," said the Professor, lighting an expensive cigar. "I ask jou to gather a highly trained crew of seasoned professionals, and zis is vat jou bring me? A vell-dressed prostitute and a pack of seedy European businessmen? Zat I could've done myself."

"I knew she was a prostitute!" I heard one of the businessmen whisper. "Now pay up!"

"Alright, old chap, you win," said a second. "It's a load off, actually. A woman of Angelina Jolie's stature spending time with a mentally handicapped medical oddity such as that made absolutely..."

"Ex-cuse me? A prostitute?!" hissed an enraged Angelina, de la Groove's insinuation finally sinking in. "As it so happens, I'm an Oscar-winning actress -- and the sexiest woman alive! Besides, I'm not the one dressed like... like... like an avacado pimp!"

"Ooooh," the Professor said, raising his hands in mock surrender as he turned to me, laughing. "Ooh, she is ze feisty one, H.M.! Jou'd better vatch jourself vith--!!"

Before he had a chance to finish, SWA-MACK!!! Angelina landed a wicked slap against the decrepit old man's noggin, knocking his fine hat clear off his head! A bad move on her part; without batting an eye Malphus leapt forward, catching her in a dreaded Sleeper Hold!! Angelina thrashed wildly, eyes screaming murder! It looked as if all hell was about to break loose, until:

"No no, Malphus, let her be," said the Professor, smiling, as Ralphus retrieved his hat and placed it back on his wizened head. "Let her be. I deserved zat." Then, to Angelina: "My dear Miss Jolie, please accept ze most humble apologies of Professor Zadwick Tiberius Vilhelm de la Groove. I know very vell vho jou are, and am a fervent admirer. But I needed to measure jour fire, and figured ze best vay to do zat vas vith ze old insult. Frankly, it comes as no surprise zat jou passed.

"Zat said," he continued, "I still zink ve'll need more support, zough jou both bring considerable talents to ze table. Vhat zose guys bring, I don't know."

"What, you mean the seedy European businessmen?"

"Hey!" one of them shouted. "We are not seedy!"

"Bad form," muttered another.

"Oui, vho else vould I mean?"

"Oh, they're not actually with us. We were just playing some baccarat with them."

"Baccarat? Vhat do jou know about ze baccarat, H.M.?"

"Not much, as it turns out. They really took me to the cleaners!"

Try As He Might, The Haiku Master (Center) Couldn't Figure Out What The Hell Goes On With Baccarat

"Ah vell, live and learn. Or in jour case just live, eh?"

"You better believe it, Prof!"

"Either vay, zis is ze bad news jou are bringing me. Even vith my help, vun professional crimefighter and ze vorld's sexiest voman von't be enough to stop Haikunestro's mad plot, mark my vords!"

"Don't mark 'em yet -- we didn't come alone!"

"Oh? Jou brought a group vith jou, did jou?" he said, scanning the casino before shrugging. "Zen vhere are zey, H.M.? Hmm? Hmmmm? Don't tell me zey are invisible, my young friend!"

"No, they're not invisible! They're around here somewhere... there's a robot, and a weather warlock, and a top-rated cockfighting champ -- ooh, and a super-strong dude who might be a clone of George W. Bush! Tell him, Angelina! Tell him!"

"It's true, Professor. They just appear to be late. The robot, however, is waiting outside by the cabstand."

"Now jou I can believe," said my old ally, slyly winking at my current squeeze. "Vell, I guess ve can give zem a few more min..."

"Stuff it, old-timer," said an eerily familiar voice behind me. "The only thing you're going to be giving is the sweet, sweet pleasure of watching you all die long, drawn-out, excruciatingly painful deaths -- and you'll be giving it all to me! All to daddy!! All to the pop-a-rooski!!!"

I swung around in a Haikung Fu fighting stance... only to find myself once more face-to-face with the vilest traitor in the venerable Cobra Kai Haiku Order's long history!

"That's right, shit for brains," he said, sneering. "It's me... the one and only Haikunestro!!!"


---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. VI---

the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. IV

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CHAPTER IV

Following a torrid session with Angelina Jolie, I happened to glance at my watch while getting dressed... and realized it was already half-past twelve!

Angelina Jolie Snuggles Up To The Haiku Master (Left) On The Haiku Plane While A Jealous Haiku-Bot Looks On

"Sweaty Mother of Arbuckle!" I gasped. "We're late, Angelina -- Professor de la Groove's going to be furious! Come on, let's go!"

"But darling," she said. "I still have to put on my makeup!"

"No time for that now; you can put it on in the cab! Haiku-Bot, you too! Let's move it, people!"

"Begging your pardon Mr., The Haiku Master sir but, my internal servo-processors indicate..."

"Less talk more go!" I barked, straightening my ascot as I locked the Haiku Plane's hatch behind me.

With that, we hustled through the airport and out to our choice of waiting cabs. We opted for a no-nonsense white model emblazoned with ads for Barry Manilow, Carrot Top, and the like, and were soon on our way.

"Where you folks headed?" the cabbie asked.

"The Las Vegas Hilton -- and there's an extra something in it for you if you can get us there forty minutes ago!"

"That's a tall order chief, but I'll see what I can do."

See he did, but it was all for naught... for by the time we arrived at the Hilton, it was already one o'clock! Needless to say, our driver did not receive a tip.

From Left: The Haiku-Bot, Angelina Jolie, And The Haiku Master Enter The Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino

"Goddamn the hands of time!" I shouted as we burst into the Space Quest Casino, startling some elderly women who were fiendishly feeding their pensions into a bank of Damnation Alley-themed slot machines. "I don't see Professor de la Groove anywhere -- they must've gone on without us!"

"Keep it down, you bozo!" said one of the grandmothers. "We're trying to win some money here!"

"Yeah!" said a second. "You're gonna throw my mojo out of whack!"

"With all due respect Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but I believe, we are. Early."

"What are you babbling on about now?! Unless Congress recently voted to change the direction in which time flows, one o'clock still comes after twelve o'clock!!"

"Tsk, this horrible Administration," Angelina said. "Is there nothing so low as to prevent them from stooping for it?"

Ignoring Angelina, the Haiku-Bot continued. "Bzzt. Correct. As of my, most recent data update Congress, has not changed the flow of time."

"Then how the hell could we be early?"

"Mr. The Haiku, Master sir there is, a three hour time difference. Between the east and, west coasts of the United, States. Of America."

"Three hour time difference... what on earth are you talking about, you overweight blob of grease?!"

"He's right, darling," Angelina breathed huskily in my ear. "I learned about it through all the travel required by my profession."

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" I declared. "That certainly explains a lot of the confusing situations I encounter while on the road. But no matter now. All right, let's synchronize watches! Ten-oh-nine 'local time' on my mark, and... Mark!"

The issue settled, the three of us decided to kill the remaining hours by easing into some high stakes gambling. At least, we were going to until the Haiku-Bot found itself fairly discriminated against!

"Hey!" shouted the Space Quest Bar's pudgy tender, pointing wildly at H.B. "We don't serve their kind here!"

Any Similarities Between The Space Quest Bartender And A Lucasfilm Character Are Purely Coincidental

"I sincerely hope you're not referring to Homo Cabbagiens," I growled, simmering with rage at the apparent racism.

"No, 'droids. It'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's too easy for them to cheat! They got minds like computers, man!"

"Oh, I guess I can see that," I said. Then, to H.B.: "Listen, why don't you go wait out by the cabstand? We don't want any trouble."

"I heartily agree with, you Mr., The Haiku Master. Sir."

As H.B. trotted off, Angelina and I got down to some white knuckle baccarat with a crew of seedy businessmen from Europe... never realizing that every crisp snap of the cards was being watched by my sworn arch-foe, the one and only Haikunestro!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'THE HAIKU MASTER'S BIG VEGAS CAPER' PT. V---