they turned me loose

Get back, funky cats! It's me, The Haiku Master, free at last from the fortune cookie factory where I'd been held hostage for the past week!

Though as it turns out, I wasn't actually in a fortune cookie factory. 'Twould appear I drank too much port wine following the Airing of Grievances at my gala Festivus dinner, then climbed into an empty fortune cookie case and passed out before we even got to the Feats of Strength. Being the trickster he is, H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to tape the box shut and secure it in one of Castle Haiku's many stately broom closets before leaving for a holiday visit with his family in Cuba. Or was it Puerto Rico? One of those Caribbean republics with bananas and goats and what-not.

The Haiku Master Spent A Week In This Box

At any rate, he returned last night and let me out, laughing uproariously at his own hijinks. I would've fired him on the spot for this effrontery, but nobody loves a good prank more than the Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Besides, even schoolchildren know that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Okay for now, 'ku believers. Time for yours truly to prepare for the big New Year's Eve bash I'm hosting tomorrow night! As always, look for your invitation in the mail, assuming you rate one!

Best,

fantastic festivus to all, and to all a good night

Buuuuuuuuurp! Gahr der, fawks. That is, hi there, folks -- it's me, The Haiku Master, just finishing up the last of Castle Haiku's fine Festivus Ham before moving on to the traditional Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!

Nothing Says Festivus Like A Delicious Ham

Nice looking piece of meat, huh? It sure was, I can tell you that much. But now it exists solely in the memories and bellies of my Festivus guests. And who might they be, you ask? Frankly, it's none of your business, but if you were to assume they include esteemed peers, trusted agents, and lovely ladies (i.e., him, The Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, four call girls, and me--ed.), you wouldn't be far off the mark.

That's it for now, gentle readers. My date for the evening is insisting we begin the Airing of Grievances now, and when have I ever been known to refuse a lady? Except for that female cop who wanted me to take a field sobriety test. She was a real bitch.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus,

there can be only one

Sweet Criminy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and you're never going to believe this: I just ran into my Mirror Universe counterpart while shopping for a Festivus Ham down at the local Piggly Wiggly!

The Devil you say, you say? Take a look at this shocking photo, taken by a Piggly Wiggly security camera not one hour ago!

This Cheap Knock-Off Of The Haiku Master Bears All The Earmarks Of A Mirror Universe Native

See the evil, grinning leer? The goatee?! The tracksuit?!? If that's not a Mirror Universe The Haiku Master, I don't know what is! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to confirm my suspicions. He was standing near the exit when I spotted him, and took off as soon as we made eye contact. Being next in line at the checkout, I was unable to give chase for fear I'd lose my spot -- or worse yet, that the toothless old woman behind me would snap up my Festivus Ham.

Still, the store manager was nice enough to give me a print-out of the above picture, which I'll certainly be adding to my investigative files. In the meantime, if you see this creep, do not try to apprehend him on your own. Just call the pros at Haiku International, and we'll take care of the rest.

Best,

the goose is getting fat

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a friendly reminder that December 23 is right around the proverbial corner -- meaning there's just 16 shopping days left 'til the happiest day of the year, Festivus!!!

Castle Haiku's Festivus Pole

Feats of Strength! Airing of Grievances! The Festivus Pole! And best of all, more presents than you can shake a stick at! Speaking of which, I'm sure a number of you have rightfully included me on your gift lists -- for which you have the Sultan of Syllables' eternal gratitude! To help you make what shall surely be one of your toughest present-buying decisions (after all, what does one get for the high-profile celebrity crimefighter who has everything?), I present the following list of items that are always welcome at Castle Haiku:

1) Whiskey
2) Snack Cakes (preferably Hostess)
3) Whiskey
4) Sausage Pizza
5) Whiskey
6) Fine Cuban Tobacco
7) Whiskey
8) Expensive Prostitutes
9) Whiskey
10) Hai Karate Aftershave

There you have it folks; a surefire way to ensure a nice thank-you card from yours truly at some point after the holidays, but probably not before March 13th! And if you'd like to learn more about the Festivus for the Rest of Us, be sure to visit http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/festivus.php. Tell 'em The Haiku Master sent you!

Best,

down for the count

Hi folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, basking in the warm glow of companionship just afforded me by none other than Sesame Street's The Count, who called, as he put it, "To shoot ze sheeet! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

The Count Is Bat-Shit Crazy, Which Is Exactly What The Haiku Master Loves About Him

As always, though, it was one hell of a confusing conversation, what with his junky-level need to count everything in sight... and earshot!

"Hey, Count!" I said, after taking the waiting receiver from the Haiku-Bot. "How's it hanging, baby?"

"Vun!" he shouted gleefully at me. "Vun question! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

"What?" I said, always having trouble with his thick Transylvanian accent.

"Two!" he chortled madly. "Two questions!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

And so it went, with me getting little out of him save a running count -- no pun intended -- of my queries. As well as the distinct sound of him crapping his pants with joy when he got to number twenty-five. Still, it was nice to hear from the guy.

Speaking of which, Festivus is right around the corner (December 23)! Be sure to start calling friends and relations now to ensure generous gift-giving on their parts. Take it from me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

awesome apple pie recipe

Hey how is everyone doing? It's The Haiku Master here, continuing to "blog" correctly with an awesome apple pie recipe that I'd like to share with you! Grab a pen and paper, 'cause I know you're going to want this for later. The holidays are coming after all, and nothing says "Festivus" like hot apple pie. Except Feats of Strength. But F.o.S. are a little too action-packed to discuss on a "blog," so maybe we should stick to the apple pie. Okay, here we go:

Apple Pie Is SO Awesome LOL!

INGREDIENTS

• Apples
• Flour
• Sugar
• Salt
• Butter
• Vegetable Shortening (not sure what this is)
• Water
• Nutmeg
• Cinnamon
• Oven
• Haiku-Bot

DIRECTIONS

1) Send the Haiku-Bot to the supermarket to pick up the non-Haiku-Bot, non-oven ingredients you'll need.

2) Make sure you have an oven; if not, send the Haiku-Bot to Home Depot to buy one.

3) Ask the Haiku-Bot to turn the ingredients into an apple pie for you. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Tell the Haiku-Bot to not include itself or the oven in the ingredients.)

In about an hour or so, you'll have an awesome apple pie. It goes great with ice cream... but it goes even better with good friends. And good friends is really what it's all about, right? Like my friend Old Man Winter. He's been kind of cranky the last couple of days, which makes me think he might have gone "off his meds" after we got back from Las Vegas. I hope not, but I guess we'll see. I really worry about that guy sometimes.

drunk in the heart of texas, pt. I

Click For Larger Image

***
CHAPTER I

Stand fast, thrill-seekers! It's me, The Haiku Master, here to regale you with the true facts of my savage journey into deepest Texas for SXSW 2005!

It all started when my once-trusted agent Paulo and I gave up on our dreams for an American cockfighting league, diverting our energies into making it big as professional musicians, instead. Within days, we'd assembled the most rootinest, tootinest mariachi band this side of hell -- Masters of Mariachi, a.k.a. MoM -- and our manager, Texas Kelly, had landed us a gig at the world's most prestigious music festival.

Masters Of Mariachi (From Left): Rudy, Paulo, Sanchez, Jesus, And The Haiku Master

"The Austin Wal-Mart?" I shouted into the phone upon hearing the news. "During Sixsew? You have to be kidding me, man!"

"Not at all, H.M.," T.K. assured me, "but it's pronounced 'South by Southwest.' World-class exposure, plus two-hunnerd cash and all you can drink from the store's soda fountain. Do we have a deal or don't we, pardner?"

"Do we ever! Wait'll I tell the boys -- they're likely to shit themselves in glee!"

"Sounds great. Yer first gig's Friday morning, so why don't y'all meet me in Austin on Thursday afternoon? We'll be staying at the Stuart Beach Inn."

"Beach? There's a beach in Austin?"

"Naw, some dude from Florida owns it. See you there."

Next, I contacted the band via Haiku International's Mexico office, and gave them the details. I then made my own travel arrangements...by buying a vintage prop plane from one of Russia's frequent black market military surplus sales!

The Haiku Master Prepares To Board His Latest Acquisition: The Haiku Plane!

That's right -- no more low-rent public transportaton for the Sultan of Syllables, and it's all thanks to the tireless work of H.I.'s Minister of Defense, Oswald Carver! (Thanks, Oz; there'll be a little something extra in your Festivus bonus this year.)

One speed-read of Flying for Dummies later, and I was Texas-bound. The die had been cast, loyal readers... but if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have insisted on best two out of three. At least!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'DRUNK IN THE HEART OF TEXAS' PT. II---