drunk in the heart of texas, pt. I

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CHAPTER I

Stand fast, thrill-seekers! It's me, The Haiku Master, here to regale you with the true facts of my savage journey into deepest Texas for SXSW 2005!

It all started when my once-trusted agent Paulo and I gave up on our dreams for an American cockfighting league, diverting our energies into making it big as professional musicians, instead. Within days, we'd assembled the most rootinest, tootinest mariachi band this side of hell -- Masters of Mariachi, a.k.a. MoM -- and our manager, Texas Kelly, had landed us a gig at the world's most prestigious music festival.

Masters Of Mariachi (From Left): Rudy, Paulo, Sanchez, Jesus, And The Haiku Master

"The Austin Wal-Mart?" I shouted into the phone upon hearing the news. "During Sixsew? You have to be kidding me, man!"

"Not at all, H.M.," T.K. assured me, "but it's pronounced 'South by Southwest.' World-class exposure, plus two-hunnerd cash and all you can drink from the store's soda fountain. Do we have a deal or don't we, pardner?"

"Do we ever! Wait'll I tell the boys -- they're likely to shit themselves in glee!"

"Sounds great. Yer first gig's Friday morning, so why don't y'all meet me in Austin on Thursday afternoon? We'll be staying at the Stuart Beach Inn."

"Beach? There's a beach in Austin?"

"Naw, some dude from Florida owns it. See you there."

Next, I contacted the band via Haiku International's Mexico office, and gave them the details. I then made my own travel arrangements...by buying a vintage prop plane from one of Russia's frequent black market military surplus sales!

The Haiku Master Prepares To Board His Latest Acquisition: The Haiku Plane!

That's right -- no more low-rent public transportaton for the Sultan of Syllables, and it's all thanks to the tireless work of H.I.'s Minister of Defense, Oswald Carver! (Thanks, Oz; there'll be a little something extra in your Festivus bonus this year.)

One speed-read of Flying for Dummies later, and I was Texas-bound. The die had been cast, loyal readers... but if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have insisted on best two out of three. At least!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'DRUNK IN THE HEART OF TEXAS' PT. II---

farewell cccp-us, we hardly knew ye

You might as well stand up, adventure lovers, 'cause you'll no doubt be jumping out of your seats in shock when you hear this: I, The Haiku Master, do hereby regretfully announce the dissolution of the Confederation of Championship Cockfighting Professionals - United States!

End Of A Dream: Goodbye, CCCP-US

Despite the difficulties encountered by CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo and myself upon our first attempted expansion beyond the cockfighting-friendly states of Louisiana and New Mexico, we remained committed to our dream. Unfortunately, the grim realities of this thin, cruel world have made it financially and legally unfeasible for us to continue.

I mean, just look at all the cockfighting busts over the past week:

• 13 Cockfighters Arrested In Arizona

• 6 Cockfighters Arrested In Georgia

• 3 Cockfighters Arrested In California

• Cockfighter Arrested In New York

• Cock Raising Ban Considered In South Carolina

Clearly, cockfighting is something our society just isn't ready for. Much like gay marriage. So, rather than risk any further legal action against Paulo or myself, I'm getting out while the getting's good.

Oh, and those of you still holding CCCP-US season tickets? They are firmly non-refundable. Sorry about that.

Best,

sorry mr. disney

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER VI

Greetings, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, feeling a little sheepish about a rather embarrassing series of events that occurred today.

It all started innocuously enough. After announcing victory in our legal case against the State of Florida, Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and I decided to celebrate by taking a V.I.P. Tour of Disney World.

The Press Conference Done, H.M., Johnnie, And Paulo Took A V.I.P. Tour Of Disney World

If you've never been on a Disney V.I.P. Tour, I highly recommend doing so at your earliest convenience. Not only do you get a staff of slackjawed peons to see to your every need, but they also let you drink liquor -- a strict "no-no" for the little people!

At any rate, with the free drinks flowing like wine, it wasn't long before Paulo and I were pretty damn wasted...despite having "gobbled" down six turkey legs each in Frontier Land! Feeling no pain nor common sense, we found ourselves in front of the World's Greatest Theme Park Ride -- Pirates of the Caribbean -- and that's when everything starts to get kind of hazy.

Johnnie Cochran Decided To Wait Outside While Paulo And The Haiku Master Enjoyed The Greatest Theme Park Ride On Earth

"Yesh!!" I cried, startling a picture-taking Korean family. "Thash mah dawg! Thash -- HIC! -- mah dawg! C'mon, you scurvy bilge monkeys! Allferoneanoneferall!!"

I don't really remember what happened after that point, but I do know that Johnnie waited outside to sign autographs while Paulo and I went in. I also recall going through the ride multiple times, perhaps as many as 12. Then...

Climbing out of our boat...

Dismantling a couple of animatronic pirates, taking their clothes...

Not knowing all the words to the song, ride patrons noticing...

Violently boarding one boat, setting fire to another...

Paulo vomiting into a lady's purse, me asking for her number...

Scuffling with security guards, Johnnie cursing at us...

H.M. And Paulo Mistakenly Thought They Could Mingle With The Animatronic Pirates Without Being Noticed By Disney Security

Next thing I know, Paulo and I were being shoved out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

"Never disrespect The Mouse, híbrido!" he shouted as the car pulled away. I looked around, and saw we were in front of the Orlando International Greyhound Station. Moreover, we each had a bus ticket in our back pocket -- mine for Baltimore, and Paulo's for Mexico.

"Well, I guess this is it for now, 'com-pad-ray,'" I said, shaking Paulo's hand. "Give me a call once you get back home, and we'll go over some new expansion strategies for the CCCP-US...Commissioner Paulo!!"

"Sí, Hombre muy Extraño," Paulo said sagely. "Adíos."

So remember, kids: remain inside your ride vehicle at all times while at Disney World. Otherwise, you might find yourself being thrown out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

I assure you, this is not something you want.

Best,

v for victory

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER V

Aloha and Mahalo, gentle readers! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, reporting from Orlando, FL with most excellent news: CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo has been cleared of all charges, and is a free man as I type these words into my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer!

From Left: The Haiku Master, Johnnie Cochran, And CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo Declare Victory At A Press Conference Near Lenin's Statue In Disney World
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Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and myself just made the official announcement via a nationally televised press conference from the base of Lenin's Statue in Disney World, and I couldn't be happier...both for the Commish and myself, as my bench warrant has been dropped, too! God bless the U.S. legal system!

As always, grasshoppers, I know what you're thinking: "But Haiku Master -- things looked so bleak! Your plans for a 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament charity fundraiser had fallen through!! How did this miracle come to pass?!?"

Okay, okay! The Sultan of Syllables will provide you with the answers you seek, but only if you first achieve a calmer state of being! I don't want anyone wetting themselves as they read the dangerously lurid details that lie ahead!

I was at my top secret base of operations last night, washing my eyes for the 36th time after being tricked into witnessing the horror that is Tubgirl,* when the phone rang.

"Haiku Master residence," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"H.M.! It's me, Johnnie!"

"Johnny Ramone? I thought you were dead!"

"No, not Johnny, Johnnie -- Johnnie Cochran, your attorney!"

"Oh, Johnnie! Why didn't you say so!"

"I did, you--! Look, never mind that. I've got big news, son! Big news!"

"Well, lay it on me!"

Lay it on me he did, revealing that the judge in the case, the Honorable Melvin J. Snobglass XIII, was an old golfing buddy of his, and had agreed to throw out the charges on one condition.

"Oh?" I said, warily. "And what might that one condition be?"

"That you star in an anti-cockfighting ad campaign being produced by Mel's Rotary club."

"Gah! The Rotarians! Those fiends?! Nothing doing!"

"Well, it's either that or Paulo rots in jail and you get arrested the next time you set foot in Florida."

"But...but...that would mean no more MTV Spring Break guest appearances!"

"Your choice, H.M."

"Fine! Fine, I'll do it! But I want it noted that I'm doing so under extreme duress!"

"Duly noted. I'll see you in an hour."

True to his word, Johnnie soon picked me up in his diamond-encrusted private helicopter, and we flew south to collect Paulo and announce the good news. Though I'm still not comfortable with the following ad, considering the source of its funding:

Just Say "No" To Cockfighting, Kids

Ah, well. I'm just glad this whole nasty episode is behind us, so Paulo and I can get back to the important business of CCCP-US expansion.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. VI---
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* Seriously, Shelton -- watch your back.

what do you mean i need a reservation?

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER IV

Hi there, folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm afraid I have some heartbreaking news: the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament won't be taking place this weekend after all!

The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament Has Been Cancelled

That's right -- no show, which means no "di-ner-o" flowing into the Free Paulo Fund. Which further means that the CCCP-US's first commissioner is going to have to cool his horses in prison just a wee bit longer.

How did this catastrophe come to pass, you ask? Two words: The Man (and I'm not talking about my close, personal friend Dan Marino).

With the event originally scheduled for Sunday, I'd taken a crew of "will work for food" types down to Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium early this morning to set things up. But no sooner had we started waxing down the stage than we found ourselves surrounded by a squad of tough-talking security guards.

One Trip To The Local Homeless Shelter Netted The Haiku Master A Swarthy Set-Up Crew For The Big Event

"What the hell do you guys think you're doing?" their leader asked, smacking a billyclub into his open left palm.

"What does it look like we're doing?" I retorted smartly. "Getting ready for tomorrow's big show, of course!"

"What big show? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hello?!," I said, waving a flyer in his face. "The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament! What, do you live in a cave or something?"

"Look pal, I ain't got nothing about no breakdancing tournaments on my schedule," he said. "You guys are going to have to leave, or I'm calling the cops."

Long story short, turns out M&T Bank Stadium works on some kind of totalitarian reservation system...even for high-profile celebrity crimefighters like the one true Sultan of Syllables!

Not wanting to risk extradition to Florida, I ceded victory to my opponent. After returning my crew from whence I found them, I drove back to my to my top secret base of operations to ponder a "Plan B" for busting Paulo out of jail. Which will probably involve the Cobra Kai Haiku Order's devastating weapon of last resort: good old-fashioned violence. Either way, I'll keep you posted.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. V---

1st annual the haiku master's celebrity breakdancing tournament update

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER III

Excelsior, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with exciting news regarding the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament!

Don't Miss The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament, This Sunday At Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium

As reported yesterday, Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav are already locked as celebrity competitors, and I've secured four key cast members from Breakin' to judge the event. Plus, yours truly will serve as host and emcee. That's right! "MC Haiku Master!" Can you believe it?!

Now -- as if the above weren't exciting enough! -- I'm pleased to announce that deals have finally been reached with Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, and Flaming Carrot! Moreover, you'll bear witness to Harry Dean Stanton, Marky Ramone, Shaquille O'Neal, Hank Williams III, Pamela Anderson, and Tony Millionaire strutting their stuff on the cardboard mat!!! Could this deal get any sweeter?!

A Galaxy Of Stars Awaits At The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament

In a word -- yes! If you have heart problems, don't read any further...for there will also be a number of V.I.P. Crimefighters in attendance!!! Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain, Captain Walrus, Haiku Girl, Fat Albert, Ralph Nader, Santo, Blue Demon, and many others will be on hand to meet fans and take advantage of the V.I.P. Open Bar, so be sure to bring your autograph books!

My one disappointment is that Harrison Ford won't be able to attend...though a certain "Jethro the Bus Driver" will, if you catch my drift. Regardless, I'm sure we'll raise more than enough money to make mine and CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo's legal problems disappear for good.

Okay for now, loyal readers. The big event is scheduled to start at 11:00 a.m. E.S.T. this Sunday at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium, so the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has a lot to do before then -- hope to see you there!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. IV---

hold on paulo, help is on the way

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER II

Greetings, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with an update on my trusted agent, CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo, who's currently incarcerated in a Florida prison!

First and foremost, as you can see from this picture he's already making friends; that's his "a-mi-go" Alvarez on the left, and Guerra on the right. Paulo told me they're going to "slice up some crackers" tonight. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds downright tasty!

Los Tres Amigos

Better still, I've figured out a surefire way of putting our shared legal troubles behind us forever. That's right -- I'm hosting the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium this weekend, with all proceeds going to the Free Paulo Fund!

And when I say "celebrity," I mean celebrity! So far, I have solid commitments from my old allies Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav, and such star-studded names as Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Harrison Ford, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, Emmanuel Lewis, Flaming Carrot, and others are in the works. Can you say "drawing power," loyal readers? The Sultan of Syllables sure can!

My one regret is that my close, personal friend -- and world-renowned breakdancing expert -- Pope John Paul II won't be able to judge the competition, due to his ongoing health problems.

The Deuce (as his close, personal friends call him) once allowed me to sit in on a rather rigorous session at his top secret breakdancing dojo in Vatican City, and I was awed by his sublime knowledge of that ancient art. A true Yoda of the cardboard mat! Had he been available, he would've been the only judge required. As it is, I'm running with a four-person panel consisting of Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones, Michael Chambers, and Ice-T.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Regardless, I think it's going to be a huge success, and should easily raise enough money to get Paulo and myself off the hook as far as this whole cockfighting debacle goes. Wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll honor the Commish by keeping Johnny Paycheck's "Colorado Cool-Aid" in heavy rotation on my turntable.

Oh, and if you're looking for tickets to the big show -- and who wouldn't be? -- they're a very affordable, very non-refundable $50 each, with checks being made payable to my Minister of Information, Nate Shelton. Drop me a line at thehaikumaster@earthlink.net to order!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. III---

anyone know a good florida-based attorney?

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER I

Ooooh boy. Hi friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, and there is an extreme cloud of guilt hanging o'er my brow tonight.

As longtime fans and anyone who watches the evening news will remember, I undertook an epic journey through darkest Mexico back in early February. While there, I made a new ally in a local cockfighting* expert by the name of Paulo; a swarthy fellow of few words who now serves as one of my most trusted agents.

Paulo, Agent Of Haiku

Thanks to Paulo, my time in that savage land included three weeks on its championship cockfighting circuit -- an eye-opening experience, to say the least. After witnessing firsthand the tequila-esque popularity enjoyed by the Sport of Kings in Mexico, I decided it was high time to introduce that beloved pastime to my own country.

Unfortunately, it would appear The Man beat me to it, as cockfighting is currently outlawed in forty-eight states. Forty-eight!

Undaunted, I had my attorney, Johnnie Cochran, draft the necessary paperwork to bring the Confederation of Championship Cockfighting Professionals - United States into legal existence. One phone call to Paulo later and the CCCP-US had its first Commissioner, who quickly went about setting up franchises in Louisiana and New Mexico.

This Ad Was Part Of A Full-Scale Media Blitz Announcing The Arrival Of The CCCP-US In New Mexico And Louisiana
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The cockfighting-friendly states secured, Paulo and I decided to tackle Florida, as it struck us as being one of a handful of localities that might reconsider their backwards thinking on the subject. If I'd only known then what I know now...

There's no easy way around this, loyal readers, so I'm just going to come right out and say it: as a direct result of our ill-advised expansion strategy, Paulo has been jailed (link goes to Florida's "News 6")!

That's right. Brave, loyal Paulo, rotting away in some godforsaken prison. Which, from what he tells me, is partially submerged in three feet of swamp water and infested with crocodiles. Naturally, I feel horrible about this...but not so horrible as to set foot in the state of Florida until the ridiculous bench warrant they've issued for me has been cleared up.

To make matters worse, Johnnie tells me he's not licensed to practice law down there. So if anyone can recommend a good Mickey State lawyer, they'll have the undying thanks of Paulo and the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 alike.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. II---
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* Get your minds out of the gutters. I'm talking about the Sport of Kings, not some weird sex thing.

P.S. Talk about adding insult to injury -- my Minister of Information just sent word that New Mexico's House of Representatives has passed a ban on cockfighting by a 50-15 margin! Hopefully, my well-paid "friends" in New Mexico's Senate will stay true to their word (links go to various high-profile news outlets).