war: what is it good for?

Greetings, 'ku believers. 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to expound on the conflict that has arisen between one of the 260th century's greatest heroes, Captain Walrus of the Universe, and the imbecelic toads who have hijacked the estate of Walrus' longtime ally, Cap'n Shrimpstain.

Know this: the so-called man purporting to be Stan Marino, non-existent brother of Dan Marino, is a fraud! In actuality, his name is Zander Schloss, and he was the bass player for the now defunct punk group known as the Circle Jerks. Shocking, I know... yet all too real!!

Zander Schloss: Better Bass Player Than Human Being

Embittered by his band's inability to get a gold record -- and his own inability to get a non-paid-for date -- Schloss time-traveled to the 260th century with a fistful of false documentation. After convincing the locals he was in fact related to legendary NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino, Schloss then weaseled his way into a position of power in the Shrimpstain Memorial Foundation -- and shortly thereafter used that beloved legacy to launch a two-front war against myself and Walrus!

While Walrus and I had planned to band together to thwart Schloss' mad scheme, the Sultan of Syllables is a busy man. And frankly, I don't have time for any of that 260th century nonsense... not when there are plenty of criminal enterprises to tackle right here in good ol' 2005! As a result, I'm withdrawing all resources from that far-flung battle, so as to better focus my energies on you fine people.

So good luck to you, Captain Walrus, but I'll thank you to leave me out of your troubles in the future. You certainly don't see me knocking on your door every time I need to kill a rat, do you?

Best,

sleep well, good cap'n

Greetings, saints and sinners. It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm regretfully serving up a piping cold plate of bad news tonight: legendary adventurer Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain has sailed his last sea.

R.I.P. Cap'n Shrimpstain

Details are still sketchy, though the Cap'n's fellow Silver Age crimefighter and longtime confidante, Captain Walrus of the Cosmos, is reporting that Shrimpstain was found dead of an apparent suicide earlier today. I suppose it's no surprise -- he did leave a pre-act suicide note on his "blog," after all -- but believe you me, knowing a blow is coming doesn't weaken its impact in the least.

Naturally, the one true Sultan of Syllables is devasted by this loss. The Cap'n was one of my boyhood heroes, and in later years I had the good fortune to know him as both friend and mentor. He shall be deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply missed.

Sleep well, good Cap'n -- I'm sure you're taking command of Valhalla's finest vessel as I type these words. Sa-lute!

Best,



P.S. On the plus side, this gives me an ironclad excuse for getting drunk tonight...and all day tomorrow! Thank you, Cap'n Shrimpstain!

1st annual the haiku master's celebrity breakdancing tournament update

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER III

Excelsior, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with exciting news regarding the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament!

Don't Miss The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament, This Sunday At Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium

As reported yesterday, Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav are already locked as celebrity competitors, and I've secured four key cast members from Breakin' to judge the event. Plus, yours truly will serve as host and emcee. That's right! "MC Haiku Master!" Can you believe it?!

Now -- as if the above weren't exciting enough! -- I'm pleased to announce that deals have finally been reached with Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, and Flaming Carrot! Moreover, you'll bear witness to Harry Dean Stanton, Marky Ramone, Shaquille O'Neal, Hank Williams III, Pamela Anderson, and Tony Millionaire strutting their stuff on the cardboard mat!!! Could this deal get any sweeter?!

A Galaxy Of Stars Awaits At The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament

In a word -- yes! If you have heart problems, don't read any further...for there will also be a number of V.I.P. Crimefighters in attendance!!! Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain, Captain Walrus, Haiku Girl, Fat Albert, Ralph Nader, Santo, Blue Demon, and many others will be on hand to meet fans and take advantage of the V.I.P. Open Bar, so be sure to bring your autograph books!

My one disappointment is that Harrison Ford won't be able to attend...though a certain "Jethro the Bus Driver" will, if you catch my drift. Regardless, I'm sure we'll raise more than enough money to make mine and CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo's legal problems disappear for good.

Okay for now, loyal readers. The big event is scheduled to start at 11:00 a.m. E.S.T. this Sunday at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium, so the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has a lot to do before then -- hope to see you there!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. IV---