jack black can go to hell

Hello, fun-lovers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever in a sore mood -- because I just wasted the whole day going to New York City to appear on Letterman, only to get bumped because "funnyman" Jack Black lampooned too long while promoting his big-budget remake of Mighty Joe Young!!

The Haiku Master Is No Fan Of Jack Black

That bastard really has his nerve! See, the whole thing started when I got a call from the Late Show's producer, who told me Letterman had seen my mug over Times Square last night (as part of my nomination for TIME's Person of the Year award) and insisted I be booked as a guest post haste. Having nothing outside the usual planned for today, I agreed and was quickly on my way to New York.

So it was that I found myself ensconced in the Green Room at the fabled Ed Sullivan Theater, and everything seemed to be going smoothly... a little too smoothly, as I should have realized! Thanks to the Green Room's monitors, I bore witness to Black's long-winded buffoonery, followed by noted anti-Papist Sinead O'Connor. Then, instead of following the game plan and calling yours truly to the stage, he wished everyone goodnight and called it a show! Without even a mention of the Pharaoh of 5-7-5! Unfathomable!!

The Haiku Master Waits Patiently In The Green Room For A Letterman Appearance That Would Never Come

Some flunky then explained to me that Black had ran too long, and would I be interested in being re-booked for another night, say, April 12th? Though I have no intention of following through -- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me -- I agreed, then swiped the Green Room's box of complimentary donuts before returning to my base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs, a.k.a. Castle Haiku.

Ah well. I suppose it wasn't a total waste. After all, I got the free donuts. And the satisfaction of knowing Letterman will be scrambling for a last-minute guest when I don't show up in four months. Try Danny Bonaduce, you gap-toothed freak! Just don't try me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best (unless your name is Jack Black or David Letterman),

scientology is evil double-plus good

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER III

Greetings friends, it is I, The Haiku Master -- bringing you a dire warning about the insidious Church of Scientology! and man, am I ever happy!

The Haiku Master's Scientology Caseworker, Mr. Sunshine: A Lying Sack Of Scientolo-shit

As it turns out, Scientology isn't a the greatest church of at all time... it's some kind of weird cult! Shocking, I know -- but all too real!! This revelation came to me earlier today, during my "auditing" session with my "caseworker," Mr. Sunshine. There I was, strapped to the E-meter, clear of "engrams" and moving on to "OTIII" -- and down a cool 100 grand I could ill-afford -- when the Sultan of Syllables had a mighty load of bullshit deposited upon him! -- when I realized Scientology truly was the road to success!

"So you're telling me," I said, stunned by what Sunshine had just said, "that the big secret behind Scientology involves nuclear bombs, volcano prisons in Hawaii, disembodied spirits from outer space, and an intergalactic overlord named Xenu?!"

"Ah-ah-ah-ah -- H-bombs," Sunshine admonished. "But uh, yeah. Outside of that, you pretty much got it."

"You son of a bitch!" I growled, incensed. "I've given you people tens of thousands of dollars, plus the credibility of my official endorsement, and this is thanks you give me? The hogwashing of a lifetime?!"

"It's no hogwash," Sunshine assured me. "It's all gospel truth, as laid out by Commodore Hubbard himself. Furthermore, your reaction is quite common. Why, many of our members become distressed when they first..."

"When they first what? When they first realize they've been ripped off?" I spat, fuming. "Put up your dukes, you...you...you hornswaggler! I'm gonna knock your #%@$ing teeth out!!"

"Oh?" said Sunshine, giggling. "Well, you could do that."

"You're damn right I could!"

"Of course you could! Then again, some of our friends in the press could find out about your predilection for rough man-on-man sex! How about that?"

"Rough man-on-man... what the hell are you talking about? I don't even have fantasies about convincing female sex changes, much less actual dudes! Now put up your dukes!"

"What?" Sunshine gasped, flipping through the large Rolodex on his desk. "Oh, sorry, I was looking at Travolta's file. Ah, here we go -- then perhaps the press could find out about your predilection for whiskey and snack cakes!"

"Hate to burst your bubble, but those hobbies are already well publicized."

"Damn it! Well, what about that embarrassing brass knuckle arrest, hmm? Wouldn't want that getting out, now would you?"

"You mean the one I bragged about on Letterman?"

"Christ almighty! Do you keep nothing secret about your personal life?!"

"Just one small thing, you blackguard -- the secret of my Haikung Fu!" I lunged forward with the Cobra Kai technique referred to as Miss Mary Mack, driven by the righteous fury of an enlightened mark! Sunshine proved to be no match, and was soon dangling out his office window, my hands 'round his sweaty ankles!

"Alright, Sunshine, here's a new belief system for you: either I get my money back, or you become street pizza du jour!" Sunshine gave up the combination to his office safe, and I was shortly on my way with every stolen cent accounted for... plus a little something extra for my grief!

So that's that as far as the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 and Scientology go, and not a moment too soon! It's just as well, for I've never been a fan of religion. Or opiates for that matter. But that's not the point. The point is, there's no organization on earth that can absorb me -- The Haiku Master!

Plus, Scientology taught me how to grow awesome metal skin, making me a better crimefighter than ever before! Isn't that Hubbard-iffic?!

The Haiku Master's Cool New Look Is All Thanks To The Church Of Scientology

Alrighty for now, rhyme fans! Time for the one true Hero of Haiku to hit the books! Be sure to visit www.scientology.org to learn more about this great religion!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. IV---

i'm nielsen material, baby

Greetings, friends! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with some exciting news -- I'm currently employed as a "Family" for the Nielsen Ratings Conglomeration Corp., Unlimited!

That's right! Me, the Sultan of Syllables, deciding the future of American television! Better still, I'm earning a smooth $5.00 for my efforts... and they sent it to me in C-A-S-H, which means I don't have to tell The Man about it next April 15th!

Unfortunately for you TV lovers, I don't share your passion. So as far as Hollywood's concerned, there's 100,000-something people living in the Baltimore suburbs who exclusively watch the morning news, That '70s Show reruns, and Letterman.

My apologies to local fans of Lost Desperate Housewives who feel I'm doing them a disservice, but frankly, any more television than that in a week is ludricous.

Okay for now, fan club members; I'm off to read the latest issue of Jughead. Hee hee hee, has that kid ever met a hamburger he didn't like?!

Best,