dead alert

Happy All Hallow's Eve Eve, friends! It's me, world-renowned adventurer and bon vivant The Haiku Master with a dire message for one and all: stay off the streets for the next couple nights if you want to live!!!

After all, the zombies are pretty thick out there this time of year.

Zombies Rule The Streets Of Baltimore Every Halloween

Heck, they got my across-the-street neighbor while he was walking his dog last night! One of them ate the heart right out of his chest while another gnawed on what appeared to be his genital region. Horrible way to go. Horrible! I would've helped, but the Sultan of Syllables adopted a strict policy against combating the undead following last year's scare. Besides, I can't be expected to do everything for our grossly overpaid law enforcement community!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if I can figure out who this "Mister Cruise" is the Haiku-Bot keeps calling. He better not be planning a vacation, I'll tell you that much!

Best,

happy halloween

Boo!!! Ha ha ha -- don't be scared, fan club members! It's just me, The Haiku Master, playing a little Halloween trick on you! Plus, I have some good news: thanks to the zombicillin I picked up at the free clinic, I'm no longer afflicted with zombieism!!

That's right! The doctor gave me a clean bill of health earlier today, which means I won't be craving brains again anytime soon. Still, it's not like being a zombie was all bad. Heck, I even managed to land this lucrative endorsement deal as a result (I hope I don't have to eat any actual brains to fulfill the terms of the contract, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it):

Brains: The Only Snack Endorsed By The Zombie Haiku Master

Either way, I'm glad it's behind me... and not a moment too soon! For as everyone knows, tonight is the night they give out the free candy -- and the Sultan of Syllables isn't about to miss any free candy!!! Sure, the Haiku Street Irregulars will give me a cut of whatever they bring in, but that won't keep me from trying my luck around here. Nor will it stop me from ordering the Haiku-Bot to give a stern toilet-papering to any houses that don't give up the loot!

That's no threat, friends; it's a promise!

Best,

braaainsss

Braaainsss.

Brains

Braaainsss!!!

Braaainsss,

'isss ssstuff be'r w'rk

Gahrrrr. Isss meee, Th' H'ku Maaassstr. Meee am def'nitely zombieee. Laaady a' freee clin'c tol' meee.

The Haiku Master (Foreground, Left) Waits His Turn At The Local Free Clinic

Sheee g'v' meee med'sssin. Sssay taaaaake it, feeel bett'r 'morrow. Meee hooope sssooo. Meee waaan' eeeach'yer braaainsss!!!

Bessst,

i want to eat your brainsss

Brainsss... I mean, hello loyal readersss. It'sss me -- at leassst, it'sss kind of me -- The Haiku Massster, and I mussst warn you that I'm not feeling ssso well right now.

Sssee, I wasss out fighting zombiesss lassst night, like I do every "Hallo-weekend." Asss alwaysss, the walking dead were no match for the Pharaoh of 5-ss7-5. Unfortunately, one of them managed to ssscratch me on the wrissst towardsss the end of the battle. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I woke up thisss morning, I looked like thisss!!!

The Haiku Master Felt Like Crap When He Woke Up This Morning

Plusss, I'm hissssing my essssesss, and have a conssstant hankering for brainsss... sssweet, sssweet brainsss!!! All of which are textbook sssymptomsss of zombieisssm!

I don't want to russsh to any conclusssions, but I am going to get myssself checked out at the free clinic. In the meantime, if you sssee me coming down the ssstreet, better play it sssafe and duck down an alley!

Bessst,

more zombies than you can shake a stick at

Howdy folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, freshly returned from my nightly patrol of Charm City -- where the streets are thick with zombies, as they are every year during Halloween Weekend!!!

A Pack Of Bloodthirsty Zombies Rushes The Haiku Master (Foreground, Right)

To make matters worse, these aren't your father's zombies. Historically, thwarting the walking dead was simply a matter of keeping up a brisk pace while swatting at their heads with the weapon of one's choice; in my case, my trusty 1-iron. But these days, those suckers are fast!

Frankly, I blame it on 28 Days Later. Not to mention that high-gloss Dawn of the Dead remake! Whoever directed those movies should be run out of town on a rail. I mean, what kind of traitorous humans make zombie empowerment flicks?!

No matter though -- the Sultan of Syllables is still more than a match for a bunch of stupid zombies, regardless of how quickly they move! In fact, I took down more than 50 earlier tonight while rescuing the nice people seen in this photo:

The Haiku Master (Left) Takes A Break From Fighting Zombies To Comfort A Group Of Human Survivors

Of course, not all zombies are bad. Take my close, personal friend, Zombie Gary Hart. The onetime presidential hopeful may have a head full of worms these days, but he's still a dreamer with a powerful message. If he could just learn to stay away from the "Monkey Business" -- wink wink, nudge nudge -- he might just make it to the Oval Office one day.

From Left: Zombie Gary Hart And The Haiku Master

Okay for now, kids. Fighting zombies is tiring work, so it's time for your hero to hit the hay. Catch you on the flip side!

Best,

market research be damned

Rejoice, proud warriors! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to throw off the yoke of minutiae that drove me to the brink of madness... and proudly declare a new age of High Adventure!!!

That's right! You'll find no more "mundane details" on this site, no matter how popular that format is with "blog" readers (and writers) the world over. For the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 isn't here to make friends and influence people, gentle readers; he's here to thrill you, chill you, and rock you like the hurricanes you are! Whether you like it or not!!

Just Like Players Club Founder Telly Savalas (Right), The Haiku Master (Left) Longs To Be Where The Action Is

Not to mention the fact that Halloween is this Monday, which means zombies will be out in full force all weekend long. And there's nothing mundane about whipping a pack of zombies into submission while they feverishly try to eat your brains, believe you me!

Best,

it's okay to come out now

Good news, friends! It's me, The Haiku Master -- finally ready to emerge from Castle Haiku's bomb shelter following Hurricane Katrina's bloody reign of terror!

I would've been up sooner, but with Katrina just leaving the country yesterday -- and totally destroying New Orleans, Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Chicago, Kansas City, Nashville and Kalamazoo in the process -- the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 wasn't about to take any chances. Hopefully you took my sage advice and sought shelters of your own before she hit.

Fortunately, I talked Haiku International's Minister of Information into serving as a topside lookout while this horrid, Old Testament-style storm wreaked a swath of destruction from one end of the country to another. Without him, the Haiku-Bot and I never would've known just how bad things had gotten outside: gas shooting up to $57.00 a gallon, Iraqi freedom fighters conquering New Orleans, people eating each other, the dead rising, etc.

Katrina had her cruel way with my luxurious top-secret base of operations, to boot: drinking all the liquor; eating all the snack cakes; drawing crude, unflattering cartoons about yours truly on the walls; and racking up some hefty pay-per-view porn charges on my satellite link-up! Shelton, on the other hand, came through without a scratch -- though his nerves were so shot he'd resorted to drinking vermouth, as seen here:

H.I.'s Minister Of Information Desperately Tries To Soothe His Jangled Nerves With A Stiff Glass Of Vermouth

So I guess that's that. Good luck on rebuilding society, folks. I'd join you, but I have just about everything I need here in Castle Haiku. Plus, there's no way I'm fighting any crime in Baltimore -- or anywhere else -- until they get all those goddamned zombies off the streets. Maybe I'll feel different after watching the 10 O'Clock News for the first time in a week, but as of right now it all seems a little pointless.

Best,

no more easters

Greetings, loyal readers. Looking for the next installment in "Drunk in the Heart of Texas?" Check back later, for I, The Haiku Master, am in no mood to entertain tonight.

For starters, my body is currently wracked by some kind of bizarre viral infection, leaving me lethargic and light-headed. It's probably the flu, but I'm a haikuist, dammit, not a doctor.

What really has the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 bothered, though, is this Easter phenomenon.

I mean, what gives? The free candy is all well and good, but isn't anyone else a little unnerved by the whole undead messiah thing? And how does the egg-laying rabbit factor into the mix? Is it supposed to be Zombie Jesus's sidekick or something? Why does it encourage humans to eat its children before they even hatch? Finally, why does it mate with human females, as indicated by this picture?

Is This Unidentified Woman The One Who Actually Lays The Easter Eggs?

I mean, shit -- the government massacred the Branch Davidians over less weirdness than this. What are my tax dollars paying for, anyway? Let's put these sinister Easter cultists behind bars and throw away the key, before someone gets hurt. So sayeth I -- The Haiku Master!

Best,