straight back into the game

'Sup, yo! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a double-barrel blast of earth-shaking events to share with you tonight! Are you ready? Huh, are you? Are you?? Okay then, here we go: I'm officially back in the haiku business, and I'm telling you all about it with the 200th Haiku International "blog" post!!!

That's right! Friday Haiku -- my weekly email mailing list that originally ran from June 2003 - June 2005, and, uh, contains haiku and gets delivered on Fridays -- got relaunched today with an all-new, highly collectible #1 issue, and will continue until I eventually get bored and retire it again. Designed to disrupt workplaces worldwide while converting new haiku disciples, Friday Haiku is one of the many free services offered by Haiku International. To subscribe, or to learn more about how H.I. can help you live a fuller, happier life, drop me a line at thehaikumaster@verizon.net. In the meantime, here's the first edition of the new F.H. volume for your reading pleasure:

Curdled, hardened milk
To my mouth from cows' bellies
Damn straight I love cheese

Good stuff, huh? As for this bicentennial post... well, shucks; I guess I owe it all to clean living. Spreading haiku and fighting crime aren't easy tasks to begin with, and get downright dangerous when combined on a regular basis, but rest assured the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is chock-full of skills with which to pay those bills. Count on it!

Best,


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P.S. If any wanna-be Encyclopedia Browns out there try counting each H.I. post, it's true they won't find 200. But remember, grasshoppers: many of my Epic Sagas were originally published in serialized form, and can encompass anywhere from 6-12 posts each. Frankly, I'm shocked you would doubt a paragon of virtue like yours truly in the first place.

journey into mexico, pt. II

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CHAPTER II

I had rescued my new guide, Paulo, from a life of servitude to the vilest, most unreasonable cantina owner in all of Mexico. But out of the frying pan and into the fire; we had neither food nor money, and the locals were stubbornly opposed to accepting the finest of the arts, haiku, as legal tender. Even from the one true Haiku Master!

"What are we going to do?!?" I wailed, clawing at the dusty ground in a hunger-fueled madness. "Oh dear lord in heaven, I must eat! I must eat!!!"

"No worries, senór," Paulo said with a rakish grin. I then noticed he was carrying a chicken in each hand; one white, one brown and black. "We eat good tonight."

"Good god, man! Where did you find those?"

Paulo shrugged. "Down the road a bit. At my cousin Pepe's house. He raises chickens. And the cocks. I went and visited him while you were having your tantrum."

"Look, leave the dirty talk at home," I said. "And I wasn't having a tantrum -- I was balancing my 'qi.' Still, good thinking on getting two. I don't know that I've ever eaten a whole chicken before. This should be fun!"

Paulo blinked slowly. "No senór," he said. "Only one for eating. Other for making easy dinero."

"Come again?"

"Is no chicken," he said, raising the brown one aloft. "Is cock -- cockfight, si? Big money. Big fun!"

The Champ Prepares For Battle

Ahh, now we were on the same page...one that would catapult us to the highest peaks of Mexico's nefarious cockfighting underworld before it was turned!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'JOURNEY INTO MEXICO' PT. III---

journey into mexico, pt. I

Click For Larger Image

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CHAPTER I

So it was that I, The Haiku Master, found myself in Mexico following a battle with nine crazed limerickists. Injured and penniless, I had no choice but to travel the long, dangerous road back to my country, with nothing but my battle-hardened Haikung Fu to stave off any troublemakers who dared cross my path.

Mexico

As you may recall, I had awakened from a two-week black out, only to find myself buying a round of drinks in a Mexican cantina. Unfortunately for me, my new friends and the bartender, my pockets proved to be completely empty when it came time to pay the bill; a situation referred to by the locals as "sans dinero."

In a tight spot, I offered to parlay my mad haiku skillz into payment, but the bartender wasn’t having it. Nor would he accept the fine necklace of limerickist ears wound 'round my neck.

“No,” he said, rudely poking a pudgy finger into my chest. “Usted debe pagar con el dinero.”

“No hablo español,” I countered.

He sized me up, then nodded to one of his henchmen.

“Paulo,” he said. “Diga a hombre que él debe pagar con el dinero.”

“Senór,” the henchman, Paulo, said. “My boss says you must pay with money.”

The Haiku Master's Mexican Guide, Paulo

The jig was up. No hope left but to try my order’s most trusted secret -- the Haiku Master Mind Trick.

“Take me to Jabba...” I said, wiggling my fingers in front of the henchman’s face.

Paulo’s eyes glazed over. Spittle began to drool from the corner of his mouth. “I will take you to Jabba,” he said.

“...You serve your master so well...”

“I serve my master so well.”

“...You will get a raise.”

“I will get a raise.”

“I must be allowed to pay with haiku,” I said, this time to the bartender.

“He must be allowed to pay with haiku,” Paulo said, imploring his boss to be reasonable.

The bartender had heard enough, and slapped his servant hard across the face. “¡Usted es un tonto con una mente débil!” he screeched. “¡Él está utilizando uno viejos trucos de los mentos de los Amos del Haiku!”

Clearly, the language barrier was preventing my Haiku Master Mind Trick from working on the bartender, which meant it was time to fall back on the Cobra Kai Temple's weapon of last resort: good old-fashioned violence.

Twenty minutes later, Paulo and I stumbled forth from the smoking ruins of what had been a pretty choice cantina. We headed north into the night.

An Uncharitable Cantina Owner Is Forced To Ponder His Next Step Following An Ill-Fated Visit From The Haiku Master

“But senór,” Paulo said as we walked. “I still have one question.”

“Yes, grasshopper,” I replied graciously.

“Who is this Jabba? Why must I take you to Jabba?"

"That’s not important," I said. "What is important is my ravenous hunger. So, first thing’s first -- we need to track down some dinner."

---CLICK HERE FOR 'JOURNEY INTO MEXICO' PT. II---