pope john paul II, master of breakdancing: rest in peace

Rejoice 'ku believers, for I, The Haiku Master, am more or less free of the grasp of the insidious video game which has sapped my strength and attention for the past week-plus! Now, stop rejoicing and start mourning -- 'cause my close, personal friend Pope John Paul II has said his last Hail Mary!!

This is truly a devastating loss, loyal readers. For The Deuce (as his close, personal friends called him) was more than just the frontman for the Holy Roman Catholic Empire... he was also Earth's foremost authority on the ancient art of breakdancing! In fact, many experts credit The Deuce's sublime breakdancing abilities with toppling communism, whatever that means.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Many tried, but none were ever able to match his mad skillz on the cardboard mat. With him gone, entire generations of future breakdancers will go without seeing firsthand The Deuce's gravity-defying headspin, and they will be poorer for it!

Okay, I'm off to bash out the long-awaited third chapter in "Drunk in the Heart of Texas." Try to stay out of trouble until then.

Best,

what do you mean i need a reservation?

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER IV

Hi there, folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, and I'm afraid I have some heartbreaking news: the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament won't be taking place this weekend after all!

The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament Has Been Cancelled

That's right -- no show, which means no "di-ner-o" flowing into the Free Paulo Fund. Which further means that the CCCP-US's first commissioner is going to have to cool his horses in prison just a wee bit longer.

How did this catastrophe come to pass, you ask? Two words: The Man (and I'm not talking about my close, personal friend Dan Marino).

With the event originally scheduled for Sunday, I'd taken a crew of "will work for food" types down to Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium early this morning to set things up. But no sooner had we started waxing down the stage than we found ourselves surrounded by a squad of tough-talking security guards.

One Trip To The Local Homeless Shelter Netted The Haiku Master A Swarthy Set-Up Crew For The Big Event

"What the hell do you guys think you're doing?" their leader asked, smacking a billyclub into his open left palm.

"What does it look like we're doing?" I retorted smartly. "Getting ready for tomorrow's big show, of course!"

"What big show? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hello?!," I said, waving a flyer in his face. "The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament! What, do you live in a cave or something?"

"Look pal, I ain't got nothing about no breakdancing tournaments on my schedule," he said. "You guys are going to have to leave, or I'm calling the cops."

Long story short, turns out M&T Bank Stadium works on some kind of totalitarian reservation system...even for high-profile celebrity crimefighters like the one true Sultan of Syllables!

Not wanting to risk extradition to Florida, I ceded victory to my opponent. After returning my crew from whence I found them, I drove back to my to my top secret base of operations to ponder a "Plan B" for busting Paulo out of jail. Which will probably involve the Cobra Kai Haiku Order's devastating weapon of last resort: good old-fashioned violence. Either way, I'll keep you posted.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. V---

1st annual the haiku master's celebrity breakdancing tournament update

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER III

Excelsior, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with exciting news regarding the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament!

Don't Miss The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament, This Sunday At Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium

As reported yesterday, Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav are already locked as celebrity competitors, and I've secured four key cast members from Breakin' to judge the event. Plus, yours truly will serve as host and emcee. That's right! "MC Haiku Master!" Can you believe it?!

Now -- as if the above weren't exciting enough! -- I'm pleased to announce that deals have finally been reached with Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, and Flaming Carrot! Moreover, you'll bear witness to Harry Dean Stanton, Marky Ramone, Shaquille O'Neal, Hank Williams III, Pamela Anderson, and Tony Millionaire strutting their stuff on the cardboard mat!!! Could this deal get any sweeter?!

A Galaxy Of Stars Awaits At The 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament

In a word -- yes! If you have heart problems, don't read any further...for there will also be a number of V.I.P. Crimefighters in attendance!!! Cap'n Bosworth J. Shrimpstain, Captain Walrus, Haiku Girl, Fat Albert, Ralph Nader, Santo, Blue Demon, and many others will be on hand to meet fans and take advantage of the V.I.P. Open Bar, so be sure to bring your autograph books!

My one disappointment is that Harrison Ford won't be able to attend...though a certain "Jethro the Bus Driver" will, if you catch my drift. Regardless, I'm sure we'll raise more than enough money to make mine and CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo's legal problems disappear for good.

Okay for now, loyal readers. The big event is scheduled to start at 11:00 a.m. E.S.T. this Sunday at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium, so the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 has a lot to do before then -- hope to see you there!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. IV---

hold on paulo, help is on the way

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER II

Greetings, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with an update on my trusted agent, CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo, who's currently incarcerated in a Florida prison!

First and foremost, as you can see from this picture he's already making friends; that's his "a-mi-go" Alvarez on the left, and Guerra on the right. Paulo told me they're going to "slice up some crackers" tonight. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds downright tasty!

Los Tres Amigos

Better still, I've figured out a surefire way of putting our shared legal troubles behind us forever. That's right -- I'm hosting the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium this weekend, with all proceeds going to the Free Paulo Fund!

And when I say "celebrity," I mean celebrity! So far, I have solid commitments from my old allies Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav, and such star-studded names as Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Harrison Ford, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, Emmanuel Lewis, Flaming Carrot, and others are in the works. Can you say "drawing power," loyal readers? The Sultan of Syllables sure can!

My one regret is that my close, personal friend -- and world-renowned breakdancing expert -- Pope John Paul II won't be able to judge the competition, due to his ongoing health problems.

The Deuce (as his close, personal friends call him) once allowed me to sit in on a rather rigorous session at his top secret breakdancing dojo in Vatican City, and I was awed by his sublime knowledge of that ancient art. A true Yoda of the cardboard mat! Had he been available, he would've been the only judge required. As it is, I'm running with a four-person panel consisting of Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones, Michael Chambers, and Ice-T.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Regardless, I think it's going to be a huge success, and should easily raise enough money to get Paulo and myself off the hook as far as this whole cockfighting debacle goes. Wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll honor the Commish by keeping Johnny Paycheck's "Colorado Cool-Aid" in heavy rotation on my turntable.

Oh, and if you're looking for tickets to the big show -- and who wouldn't be? -- they're a very affordable, very non-refundable $50 each, with checks being made payable to my Minister of Information, Nate Shelton. Drop me a line at thehaikumaster@earthlink.net to order!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. III---