oh momma, that was one good hoagie

Guess what, friends? It's me, The Haiku Master -- and man, am I ever stuffed!!

That's right! Turns out that, while his comma usage is still for shit, the Haiku-Bot has become a world-class sandwich maker since being reprogrammed for domestic servitude following my tussle with the Church of Scientology. In fact, I just finished off the scrumptious specimen seen below not 10 minutes ago, shortly after H.B. crafted it in Castle Haiku's state of the art kitchen!

The Haiku-Bot Whipped Up This Magnificent Hoagie For His Friend And Boss, The Haiku Master

All of which proves one of my long-standing theories: Even the evilest of electronic applicances can be turned to good if you show it a little love and understanding. Or get it rewired by the "Geek Squad" at your local Best Buy. Take your pick. Just don't try to take my hoagie!

Best,

wheelin' and dealin', pt. I

Click For Larger Image

***
CHAPTER I

It all began innocuously enough. There I was, lost in a study of the works of William Gaines from the comfort of Castle Haiku's stately library, when my butler -- the formerly diabolical Haiku-Bot* -- saw fit to disturb me.

The Haiku-Bot

"Excuse, me Mr. The Haiku Master," it said. "You, have a phone call."

"The devil you say!" I said with great flourish. I'd recently heard that phrase in a Nixon joke, and had been dying to use it ever since.

"Eh...no. It is not, the devil. It is, Mr. Old Man Winter. He would like, to speak with. You."

"Old Man Winter? That frostbitten old fraud?" I scoffed, returning to the leather-bound volume before me. "Tell him I'm busy."

"Begging, your pardon Mr. The Haiku Master but, upon registering the caller's identity my, giga-processors immediately calculated your likely reply and, already told Mr. Old Man Winter that you, are too. Busy. In response Mr., Old Man Winter said it is, urgent."

"Alright, alright! But if this turns out to be another one of his crank calls, you'll get no oil baths for a month, H.B.!"

"Understood Mr., The Haiku Master. I will patch him, through to the library's. Intercom."

The Haiku-Bot turned to leave, and within minutes the grating sound of Old Man Winter's voice filled the room.

"...ku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! It's me -- Old Man Winter! Can you hear me?!"

"Of course I can hear you! My highly attuned Haiku Master super-hearing can hear a fly crapping from 20 miles away! Now quit the small talk and cut to the chase!"

"A fly crapping from 20 miles away? Why in the hell would you want to hear that?"

It was a good question... but not one I was prepared to answer. "That's none of your business, Winter. Now tell me why you called!"

"Oh, right! Why I called! Hey listen, Haiku Master -- I got a line on a great opportunity! Egyptian cotton, baby! We're all gonna be rich!"

"Egyptian cotton? Stop babbling, man! You're not making any sense!"

"Look, I can't explain it over the phone; just get your ass to Cairo! You'll find me at the Motel Six. And bring a big suitcase, Haiku Master! You're gonna need it for all the moolah you're gonna make!"

Motel 6: The Only Motel Chain Endorsed By The Haiku Master

For reasons I still can't explain, I decided to take Old Man Winter up on his offer. Perhaps it was the surprise plug for Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master. Perhaps it was our shared love of strong American whiskey and fine Cuban tobacco. Either way, it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life, which is why I've added the following line to my personal "rules for living": When it comes to outstanding sources of financial advice, it's hard to beat rum-soaked bearded degenerates in green robes!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'' PT. II---

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* I got the "Geek Squad" at my local Best Buy to rewire him for domestic servitude following my tussle with the Church of Scientology. You people don't expect me to keep you up to date on everything I do, do you?

it's fun to stay at the ymca

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER VII

Greetings, adventure seekers! It's me, The Haiku Master, just chilling at a Baltimore-area YMCA following my escape from the clutches of Scientology. And let me tell you, the "Y" isn't just a great place to stay when you're on the lam -- it's also a great place to meet exciting, on-the-go people!

The Haiku Master (Far Right) Hanging Out With His New Friends At The YMCA

That's right! Why, in the past day alone I've made the acquaintance of a police officer, a soldier, a construction worker, a motorcycle enthusiast, a cowboy, and a Native American Indian! Not to mention a wild-eyed morphine addict, a slovenly immigrant family, and more stumble-drunks than one could reasonably be expected to shake a stick at!

Talk about experiencing different cultures -- living here is like going to Epcot, only without the long lines! Unless you count the one outside the building's sole bathroom. Still, it's a pretty sweet deal!

Okay for now, friends; time for the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to join the aforementioned bathroom line. I don't really have to go right now, but by the time it'll be my turn, who knows?

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VIII---

free at last

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER VI

Rejoice, 'ku believers! It's me -- the real me -- The Haiku Master, back with an extremely important message: avoid the so-called "Church" of Scientology at all cost!! Your life and/or sanity may very well depend on it!

As for me, I just escaped from one of their fiendish "intensive auditing" camps. After a daring getaway, I returned to my top secret base of operations... only to find it compromised by a cheap robot version of yours truly! No trouble there, though. Stealing a page from ol' Captain Kirk's playbook, I busted out some spurious logic and totally fried the tin-plated bastard's brain in seconds flat!

The Haiku Master Learned How To Short-Circuit Robots By Watching Star Trek Reruns

Alas, even with the dastardly Haiku-Bot out of the picture, my longtime HQ is no longer secure. So I'm putting it up for sale, and am officially in the market for a new top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs! In the meantime, I'll be laying low at a safe house (read: room at an undisclosed YMCA--ed.). But don't worry: my trusty TRS-80 SuperMobile Computer is in my possession, so I'll be able to stay in touch while I'm "underground!"

Okay for now, fan club members -- time for the Sultan of Syllables to wolf down a sausage pizza and pint of whiskey before making his nightly patrol. Be sure to heed my warning about those kooky Scientologists! I'd hate to hear about any of you being replaced by low-rent 'droids with bad comma-use programs. You deserve better!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VII---
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P.S. Want to read what some former Scientologists have to say about Hubbard's cult? Visit www.xenu.net today!

P.P.S. Please disregard the last three posts, as they were all made or altered by the Haiku-Bot. I'd delete them, but crimefighting and haiku writing don't leave much free time for learning advanced computerology.

tom cruise is cool and he is my friend

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER V

Hello truth, seekers. I am, the Mr. Haiku Master and tonight I, want to tell you, about my close personal, friend Mr. World Famous Movie Star Tom Cruise.

The New, Improved Haiku Master And Matinee Idol Tom Cruise Wow Passers-by At A Scientology Center

Yes that, Mr. Tom Cruise. The star of The Firm Top, Gun Rain, Man Cocktail and many. Others. I the, Hero of Haiku will even, be the best, man when he marries my other close personal, friend Ms. Katie, Holmes. Take it from me they, hump like rabbits all the time and they, are like lust-crazed Olympian gods in the sack you, can believe that.

Also I, would like to say that Mr. Tom Cruise is the, coolest dude currently, on earth. He is, not as cool as Commodore, Hubbard of course but, he comes pretty. Close. You should go see, his new movie! It is, called War of the Worlds and, Mr. Tom Cruise fights aliens, in it something, he is very well prepared for.

You, should also see Ms. Katie, Holmes' new movie Batman, Begins. It is, about a man who eschews, the lies of psychiatry and, finds the super human, within. Just like me and, my friends in Scientology! That is why, we are so happy like, Mr. Batman!

Time, for me to go I have, a lot of crimefighting, to do tonight. Good thing, I have Scientology and, my friendship with, Mr. Tom Cruise to keep, me safe. You, should look into Scientology! You will, be so, happy you will not believe, it! Visit us at, www.scientology.org, today okay! That's what, I say! I am... the Mr. Haiku Master!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. VI---

need an assist?

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER IV

Hello, there. It is me, Mr. The Haiku Master, here to help you feel, good about yourself. Me, and my friends at, the Church of Scientology.

The Haiku Master Hasn't Been Replaced By A Robot; He's Been Blessed With Metal Skin By Scientology!

Sorry if, my last post was, sloppy. I was, in a rush.

So, hey, do you, like my new look? My skin is now, made of metal, all thanks to Commodore Hubbard's amazing, teachings. I am, also, happier than I've ever, been before.

You could be, this happy too. You could even, get metal skin. If you join me, in studying Scientology that, is. Call, today!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. V---

scientology is evil double-plus good

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER III

Greetings friends, it is I, The Haiku Master -- bringing you a dire warning about the insidious Church of Scientology! and man, am I ever happy!

The Haiku Master's Scientology Caseworker, Mr. Sunshine: A Lying Sack Of Scientolo-shit

As it turns out, Scientology isn't a the greatest church of at all time... it's some kind of weird cult! Shocking, I know -- but all too real!! This revelation came to me earlier today, during my "auditing" session with my "caseworker," Mr. Sunshine. There I was, strapped to the E-meter, clear of "engrams" and moving on to "OTIII" -- and down a cool 100 grand I could ill-afford -- when the Sultan of Syllables had a mighty load of bullshit deposited upon him! -- when I realized Scientology truly was the road to success!

"So you're telling me," I said, stunned by what Sunshine had just said, "that the big secret behind Scientology involves nuclear bombs, volcano prisons in Hawaii, disembodied spirits from outer space, and an intergalactic overlord named Xenu?!"

"Ah-ah-ah-ah -- H-bombs," Sunshine admonished. "But uh, yeah. Outside of that, you pretty much got it."

"You son of a bitch!" I growled, incensed. "I've given you people tens of thousands of dollars, plus the credibility of my official endorsement, and this is thanks you give me? The hogwashing of a lifetime?!"

"It's no hogwash," Sunshine assured me. "It's all gospel truth, as laid out by Commodore Hubbard himself. Furthermore, your reaction is quite common. Why, many of our members become distressed when they first..."

"When they first what? When they first realize they've been ripped off?" I spat, fuming. "Put up your dukes, you...you...you hornswaggler! I'm gonna knock your #%@$ing teeth out!!"

"Oh?" said Sunshine, giggling. "Well, you could do that."

"You're damn right I could!"

"Of course you could! Then again, some of our friends in the press could find out about your predilection for rough man-on-man sex! How about that?"

"Rough man-on-man... what the hell are you talking about? I don't even have fantasies about convincing female sex changes, much less actual dudes! Now put up your dukes!"

"What?" Sunshine gasped, flipping through the large Rolodex on his desk. "Oh, sorry, I was looking at Travolta's file. Ah, here we go -- then perhaps the press could find out about your predilection for whiskey and snack cakes!"

"Hate to burst your bubble, but those hobbies are already well publicized."

"Damn it! Well, what about that embarrassing brass knuckle arrest, hmm? Wouldn't want that getting out, now would you?"

"You mean the one I bragged about on Letterman?"

"Christ almighty! Do you keep nothing secret about your personal life?!"

"Just one small thing, you blackguard -- the secret of my Haikung Fu!" I lunged forward with the Cobra Kai technique referred to as Miss Mary Mack, driven by the righteous fury of an enlightened mark! Sunshine proved to be no match, and was soon dangling out his office window, my hands 'round his sweaty ankles!

"Alright, Sunshine, here's a new belief system for you: either I get my money back, or you become street pizza du jour!" Sunshine gave up the combination to his office safe, and I was shortly on my way with every stolen cent accounted for... plus a little something extra for my grief!

So that's that as far as the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 and Scientology go, and not a moment too soon! It's just as well, for I've never been a fan of religion. Or opiates for that matter. But that's not the point. The point is, there's no organization on earth that can absorb me -- The Haiku Master!

Plus, Scientology taught me how to grow awesome metal skin, making me a better crimefighter than ever before! Isn't that Hubbard-iffic?!

The Haiku Master's Cool New Look Is All Thanks To The Church Of Scientology

Alrighty for now, rhyme fans! Time for the one true Hero of Haiku to hit the books! Be sure to visit www.scientology.org to learn more about this great religion!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. IV---

thank you, dr. hubbard

***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER II

Shalom, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, still buzzing over my newfound belief in the Official Religion of High-Profile Celebrities, Scientology!

The Haiku Master Answers Tough Questions During A Rigorous E-Meter Session

I'm proving to be a real natural when it comes to digesting the church's tenets, and as a result, I've been flying through my "pre-clear" levels with the greatest of ease! In fact my case worker, Mr. Sunshine, tells me I should be free of "engrams" by next week, and ready to tackle the challenge of becoming of an "operating thetan" shortly thereafter!

Assuming I can afford to pay for the required coursework, that is. I may have to take out a mortgage on my top secret base of operations to do so, but I'm sure it'll be worth it!

After all, I'm now more malleable and willing to go with the flow than ever before -- important qualities in these overstressed times. Plus, I have an overwhelming sense of blissful dizziness that just can't be found at the bottom of a whiskey jug! Then there's the knowledge factor. For example, I now know that I've lived for 74 trillion years through countless incarnations, including one as an oft-attacked clam! Try finding that out from one of those other religions!

Okay for now; time for me to start on Commodore Hubbard's next lecture series. In the meantime, if you have any extra money lying around, why not donate it to Scientology? I'm sure they'll put it to good use.

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. III---

i'm a believer

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***
‘XENU AND ME,’ CHAPTER I

Peace unto you, friends. Sorry about the nearly week-long gap since my last post, but I, The Haiku Master, just had a life-changing experience -- I've joined the one-and-only Church of Scientology!

The Haiku Master's Lord And Savior, L. Ron Hubbard

It was really only a matter of time before a noted crimefighter like yours truly teamed with the celebrity's religion of choice. Now, after a week of strenuous "auditing," I'm a member in good standing! That's right! Me, the Sultan of Syllables, rubbing shoulders with such luminaries as Chick Corea, Kirstie Alley, and Danny Masterson, not to mention Hollywood heavyweights Tom Cruise and John Travolta! Can you believe it?!

My one concern is the frantic rate at which my new spiritual leaders pass the collection plate. In fact, my petty cash reserves are bone dry after just five sessions with my "case worker!" Still and all, it seems to be well worth the cost; I've never felt more disoriented in my life! And that's coming from a man who once drank a gallon jug of Rebel Yell whiskey while riding the teacups at Disney World!

Okay for now -- I'm off to read L. Ron Hubbard's ecumenical treatise, Dianetics, in preparation for next week's coursework. Plenty of updates to come as my spiritual journey continues, I'm sure!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'XENU AND ME' PT. II---