market research be damned

Rejoice, proud warriors! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to throw off the yoke of minutiae that drove me to the brink of madness... and proudly declare a new age of High Adventure!!!

That's right! You'll find no more "mundane details" on this site, no matter how popular that format is with "blog" readers (and writers) the world over. For the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 isn't here to make friends and influence people, gentle readers; he's here to thrill you, chill you, and rock you like the hurricanes you are! Whether you like it or not!!

Just Like Players Club Founder Telly Savalas (Right), The Haiku Master (Left) Longs To Be Where The Action Is

Not to mention the fact that Halloween is this Monday, which means zombies will be out in full force all weekend long. And there's nothing mundane about whipping a pack of zombies into submission while they feverishly try to eat your brains, believe you me!

Best,

this 'no adventure' thing is harder than i thought

Hrmm. H-hey. It's m... um, yeah. Right. No action. Just talking about the trivial stuff that makes us human. Th-th-that's what "blogging's" all a... all about. Yes! Yes yes yes.

So I'm not going to tell you about something that just happened to me as I was taking out the trash. I won't say a word about how Old Man Winter -- who is most definitely "off his meds," if the Sultan of Syll... I mean, if I'm any judge of character! -- just tried to jump me, zapping me in the rear end with his weird weather powers. And I definitely won't speak of the massive wedgie I gave him in retaliation, forcing him to flee in that obnoxious snowmobile of his!

Old Man Winter Shows Off In Front Of Castle Haiku

Th-that would be... too much action... for a "blog." You know, based on my m-m-m-market r-r-r-research and all. S-s-so, let's see. How 'b-'bout them baseball teams p-playing for th-the Baseball Cup, huh? They s-sure are disrupting the h-h-h-h-h-hell out of Fox's regular programming, huh?

Oh, there is some good news: I pooped after my encounter with O.M.W.! Ginchy, huh? That's it, nice and conversational. Just the trivial stuff that makes us human. That -- oh yes, that is the ticket.

worrying about a friend

Hey everyone, it's me, The Haiku... Dammit! I keep forgetting that you're not supposed to introduce yourself in every "blog" post -- not if you want to be a professional "blogger"! And believe you me when I say there's nothing I want more. In fact, here comes some more traditional "blogging" to prove it!

So anyway, I'm kind of worried about my friend Old Man Winter. Well, he's not really a friend so much as someone I hang out with every now and then. Sometimes, when he's "off his meds," we fight.

Old Man Winter (Seen Demonstrating His Sub-Zero Breath) Can Be Downright Dangerous When He's "Off His Meds"

Lately, I've been a little worried that he's off them, because he's been acting cranky. Take yesterday for example. He ran around town all day, yelling and screaming and spitting and zapping unsuspecting passersby with his witchy winter powers... whoa, I just realized I came dangerously close to providing you good people with some action in this post. And everyone knows "blogs" aren't supposed to be action-packed!

I better get out of here before I mess up again. Oops, I almost forgot! I had a tasty peanut butter and jelly sandwich a couple of hours ago, thanks to the Haiku-Bot. It really went great with a cold glass of beer, lol! But my no-pooping problem is back; hopefully I'll poop again tomorrow, 'cause I don't like worrying that I have a tumor or something.

awesome apple pie recipe

Hey how is everyone doing? It's The Haiku Master here, continuing to "blog" correctly with an awesome apple pie recipe that I'd like to share with you! Grab a pen and paper, 'cause I know you're going to want this for later. The holidays are coming after all, and nothing says "Festivus" like hot apple pie. Except Feats of Strength. But F.o.S. are a little too action-packed to discuss on a "blog," so maybe we should stick to the apple pie. Okay, here we go:

Apple Pie Is SO Awesome LOL!

INGREDIENTS

• Apples
• Flour
• Sugar
• Salt
• Butter
• Vegetable Shortening (not sure what this is)
• Water
• Nutmeg
• Cinnamon
• Oven
• Haiku-Bot

DIRECTIONS

1) Send the Haiku-Bot to the supermarket to pick up the non-Haiku-Bot, non-oven ingredients you'll need.

2) Make sure you have an oven; if not, send the Haiku-Bot to Home Depot to buy one.

3) Ask the Haiku-Bot to turn the ingredients into an apple pie for you. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Tell the Haiku-Bot to not include itself or the oven in the ingredients.)

In about an hour or so, you'll have an awesome apple pie. It goes great with ice cream... but it goes even better with good friends. And good friends is really what it's all about, right? Like my friend Old Man Winter. He's been kind of cranky the last couple of days, which makes me think he might have gone "off his meds" after we got back from Las Vegas. I hope not, but I guess we'll see. I really worry about that guy sometimes.

good news

Hey 'sup? It's me, The Haiku Master, bringing you some more "blog" the way "blogging" is supposed to be done. And guess what? I pooped today! Yay! I was pretty worried about it for awhile there. I mean, you never know what it means when you don't poop for five days. Could've been a tumor, or cancer, or lung disease, or poverty. Who knows? Either way, I don't have to worry about it anymore, 'cause I dropped what must've been a five-pound baby boy off at the pool not twenty minutes ago.

So what else did I do today? Let's see... I got out of bed this morning, then I took a shower. The Haiku-Bot made me some breakfast, then I went and played racquetball with Otis, the town drunk. That was pretty fun lol. We were doing the craziest stuff, like shooting the ball from between our legs, playing with our eyes closed, the works. Then we just kind of hung out and gabbed about stuff. You know: gas prices, the weather, good TV shows -- all the usual suspects.

I guess it's been a pretty good day, especially with the pooping and all. And I promise you there was no action; I know how you "blog" readers like your "blogs" to be action-free, and I'll keep on doing my best to live up to that expectation. Action drools, mundane details rule! LOL ;)~

sleepy time

Yeah, well, I'm pretty beat so I think I'm going to call it a night. You know? Hopefully I will have good dreams. Won't you hope that for me?

And if you're wondering, no, I still haven't pooped. Hopefully tomorrow. I'll let you know, promise!

seriously, why can't i poop?

Just so you guys know, I wasn't kidding about that last post. I really haven't pooped in five days. I don't think that's good. Is it? I'd ask the Haiku-Bot, but he's no use. What do robots know about pooping? :)'

I don't know I guess I will sleep on it tonight and maybe call a doctor tomorrow. OH! And geez, this new format for the ol' "blog" is really working out great, doncha think? I feel like a real "blogger" now, you know? (...wry smile...) OK XXXOOXX

i think i have the hang of it now

Hey. What's up? It's me, The Haiku Master. You know, just chilling. So look, I got a handle on this "blogging" thing faster than I thought I would, so I'm giving you a little taste of the new H.I. tonight. Man, I even had Shelton revamp the banner. It was sooooo wild lol!

I don't know though. I'm a little worried about the fact that I haven't pooped in five days. It might be cancer, might be a tumor. Who knows? Not me. Maybe I'll go see a doctor if I don't poop soon.

i've been going about this 'blogging' thing all wrong

Hoo-boy. Hi gang. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever embarrassed -- for I just discovered I'm a true ignoramus when it comes to the ancient art of "blogging"!!!

That's right! For nearly a year, I've been using this site to thrill you with one gut-wrenching, totally true adventure after another... only to find "blogs" are usually used to keep perfect strangers up-to-date on life's most trivial minutiae! At least, that's what I've surmised after finally noticing and using that "Next Blog >>" button at the top right corner of this and every Haiku International web page. Take this one for example:

You see?! No action, no excitement, and certainly no bad craziness -- just a nice, wholesome slice-of-life vignette from an apparent chambermaid who likes to get drunk and talk about sheets with a good friend. Fun times indeed! On to our next contestant:

Hmm, maybe I was wrong about the "no adventure" aspect that you fine people have come to expect from "blogs"... for this one's packed with more heart-pounding heroism than one could reasonably be expected to shake a stick at! The writer and his companions got "wasted," he "squatted" someone named Gary -- a few times!! -- then wrestled a bit before passing out on the floor with his wife. Too lame? I think not, good sir! Nor too poorly written! Now for #3:

Huh. Well, two out of three go for the "no adventure" format, so I'll have to assume that's the accepted norm. But whatever this post lacks in pulse-poundingness is more than counterbalanced by the vast sums of unshakeable depression it brings to the table!

Needless to say, this visit to some of my Blogger.com neighbors has been an extremely eye-opening experience -- one that I plan to capitalize on with a bold new direction for the ol' "blog," starting tomorrow! Count on it!!

Best,