hold on paulo, help is on the way

***
‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER II

Greetings, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, back with an update on my trusted agent, CCCP-US Commissioner Paulo, who's currently incarcerated in a Florida prison!

First and foremost, as you can see from this picture he's already making friends; that's his "a-mi-go" Alvarez on the left, and Guerra on the right. Paulo told me they're going to "slice up some crackers" tonight. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds downright tasty!

Los Tres Amigos

Better still, I've figured out a surefire way of putting our shared legal troubles behind us forever. That's right -- I'm hosting the 1st Annual The Haiku Master's Celebrity Breakdancing Tournament at Baltimore's M&T Bank Stadium this weekend, with all proceeds going to the Free Paulo Fund!

And when I say "celebrity," I mean celebrity! So far, I have solid commitments from my old allies Dan "The Man, But In A Good Way" Marino and Flavor Flav, and such star-studded names as Iggy Pop, Scarlett Johansson, Chuck Palahniuk, Harrison Ford, Jenna Jameson, Antonio Banderas, Emmanuel Lewis, Flaming Carrot, and others are in the works. Can you say "drawing power," loyal readers? The Sultan of Syllables sure can!

My one regret is that my close, personal friend -- and world-renowned breakdancing expert -- Pope John Paul II won't be able to judge the competition, due to his ongoing health problems.

The Deuce (as his close, personal friends call him) once allowed me to sit in on a rather rigorous session at his top secret breakdancing dojo in Vatican City, and I was awed by his sublime knowledge of that ancient art. A true Yoda of the cardboard mat! Had he been available, he would've been the only judge required. As it is, I'm running with a four-person panel consisting of Lucinda Dickey, Adolfo Quinones, Michael Chambers, and Ice-T.

The Haiku Master Once Got To Audit A Class At Pope John Paul II's Top Secret Breakdancing Dojo

Regardless, I think it's going to be a huge success, and should easily raise enough money to get Paulo and myself off the hook as far as this whole cockfighting debacle goes. Wish me luck! In the meantime, I'll honor the Commish by keeping Johnny Paycheck's "Colorado Cool-Aid" in heavy rotation on my turntable.

Oh, and if you're looking for tickets to the big show -- and who wouldn't be? -- they're a very affordable, very non-refundable $50 each, with checks being made payable to my Minister of Information, Nate Shelton. Drop me a line at thehaikumaster@earthlink.net to order!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FREE PAULO' PT. III---

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. VI

***
CHAPTER VI

The R.A.H. Squadron made their move, storming the building with manic shouts of "Yo Joe!" But we seven -- myself, Joe, The Commando, Air Adventurer, Sea Adventurer, Man of Action, and Mike Power a.k.a. The Amazing Atomic Man -- were ready for them, having reaffirmed our belief in that fair notion of "all for one, and one for all!"

We gathered in the center of the briefing room in a star-shaped defensive formation so as to best strike at our enemies with our combined arsenal of kung fu, Haikung Fu, big frikkin' guns, and the like.

In the flash of an eye, the R.A.H.ers were on us, swarming like roaches. There were dozens of them, wearing gaudy uniforms emblazoned with goofy sounding names such as "Beachhead," "Nunchuk," "Wild Bill," "Shipwreck," "Big Ben," "Sergeant Slaughter," etcetera.

I will not lie to you -- the battle that ensued was glorious, a veritable cacophony of blood, guts, and brains that sent many a warrior soul to Valhalla. Better still, the Adventure Team suffered no casualties... as the R.A.H.ers proved to be the worst shots since Hinckley! Seemingly incapable of controlling their weapons, their bullets flew harmlessly over our heads, making it that much easier to mow them down like the dogs they were.

With his platoon all but gone, the R.A.H. leader soon found himself face-to-face with Joe, who was threatening him with a bloodstained knife!

"I'm warning you, stand back!" the leader said nervously. "Stand back or I'll shoot!"

"Go ahead, Duke, do your worst," said Joe.

The R.A.H. leader fired -- and as expected, the bullet sailed right over Joe's head! Joe struck, gutting Duke like a fish!

"That," Joe grunted, forcefully pulling his knife from Duke's gizzard, "is for telling people I don't exist, you 3 3/4" plastic turd!"

Duke slid to the floor, and the fight was finished -- another day saved by the one and only Adventure Team.

R.A.H.ers Like This Joker Made A Huge Tactical Error In Tussling With The Adventure Team

"God-damn, that felt good!" huffed The Commando, who had stripped off his shirt and was drenched in R.A.H. blood. "Those little wimps had that coming for a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time!"

"Tell me about it!" said Mike Power. "It was a real treat to flex my amazing atomic arm... around some Real American necks!"

"Yeah," agreed Air Adventurer. "We'll probably have to go on the lam as fugitives from justice, A-Team style, but damn if it wasn't worth it!"

"A-Team style...," Joe teased, "...or Adventure Team style, eh? Eh?"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" asked Man of Action.

"I don't know," said Joe. "But if you think I'm saying we should get a heavily armed motor home and criscross the world in search of... adventure... then, yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. Now who's with me, Adventure Team? All for one and..."

"...ONE FOR ALL!!!" everyone else shouted, throwing their hands on top of Joe's. Everyone, that is, except yours truly.

"Uh, sorry guys," I said. "It was great seeing you all again, but I really should be going. Got a, uh, dentist appointment next Tuesday that I can't miss."

"Well no offense, but who asked you?" said Joe. "For that matter, who are you?"

"Who am I?" I asked, surprised. "I'm The Haiku Master! Remember? You asked me to come help you fight the pygmy gorilla!?"

"Haiku Master?" muttered Man of Action. "I don't remember a Haiku Master... I remember The Astronaut. Did he write haikus?"

"Did he write haiku," I corrected.

"Oh, now I recognize you," said Joe. "You're Chuck Bukowski's sidekick, Wart. Right? I didn't know Chuck was here -- where is that old son of a gun?"

"No! Chu... Sensei Bukowski died years ago, and the whole Cobra Kai Haiku Order was annihilated shortly thereafter. I'm the one and only Haiku Master these days."

The Late Haiku Master Charles Bukowski (1920-1994) Briefly Served With The Adventure Team In The 1970s, But Never Rated An Action Figure

"Oh, sorry about that. I'm an old man, and get easily confused," Joe offered.

"That's alright..."

At that precise moment, who should walk in but Emmanuel Lewis himself. True to Joe's word, he was wearing a pygmy gorilla suit, but held the heavy head mask in his tiny little hands.

"Sweet Mother of Moses!" he squeaked. "I've been sitting in that jungle for six hours now, Joe, and I won't take no more! Now pay up -- I'm out of here!"

And oh, how we laughed.

***
EPILOGUE

With that, the Adventure Team was off -- presumably to purchase a heavily armed motor home. As for myself, I returned to my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs to fight crime, write haiku, and reflect on my latest adventure. Or maybe re-read the first new issue of Grimjack for the seventh time and take a nap. One or the other.

When I finally got back, though, my phone was ringing off the hook; seemed the neighbor's dog had gotten itself stuck in a tree again. Ah, well! Rest is always at arm's reach when you're me... The Haiku Master!

final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. V

***
CHAPTER V

No doubt about it, Adventure Team Headquarters was under attack -- and to make matters worse, Joe had gone stark raving mad!

"No, not them!" he gasped, still pointing his pistol at The Commando's head. "Why does it have to be them?"

"Giant ants!?!" I asked, incredulously. "Awesome! I've never fought giant ants before!"

"Giant ants don't yell 'Yo Joe!,' boy!" Man of Action barked. "Only one bunch of pansy-assed yahoos use that term."

The Haiku Master Thought He'd Have An Opportunity To Fight Giant Ants, But Was Wrong

"You mean..." started Air Adventurer.

"...our successors," finished Sea Adventurer.

"Successors my ass!" added The Commando. "Cheap imitators is more like it -- look how many of 'em it takes to get a job done! Can't believe they call themselves 'Real American Heroes."

"ADVENTURE TEAM!" boomed a voice via an outside PA system. "THIS IS THE R.A.H. SQUADRON! WE HAVE YOUR BASE SURROUNDED, AND HAVE NEUTRALIZED YOUR POWER SUPPLY!"

"Yeah, 'Real American Zeros' is more like it!" guffawed Man of Action. "Haw, haw!"

"I mean, how good could they be?" said Mike Power. "There's not... an Amazing Atomic Man!... in the lot!"

"WE HAVE NO QUARREL WITH MOST OF YOU -- WE JUST WANT JOE. ANYTHING HE'S TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PYGMY GORILLA IS A LIE. GIVE HIM UP, AND THE REST OF YOU CAN GO IN PEACE."

"Well, well, well, Joe, looks like I ain't the only one what wants to bust you upside the head," The Commando said.

At that point, we saw something we'd have previously written off as impossible: Joe dropped his gun, slid to the ground next to the briefing room's podium, put his head in his hands... and started to cry. Big, blubbery, wracking sobs; a real embarrassing scene, to be sure.

"Oh gah--! Gah! I... I'm s-s-s-so s-sorry! S-s-so sorry! I m-made it up! Made it all up! Even hired Emmanuel Lewis to hide in the jungle in a pygmy ape suit, just so... just so... just so I could see all of you again! Just to feel alive again!"

"Say what?" The Commando said in disbelief. "Emmanuel Lewis? In a pygmy ape suit? Hiding in the woods? That has got to me some of the -- no, that is the craziest, most messed-up thing I have ever heard of, man! And all because--"

"ADVENTURE TEAM!" came the PA again.

"All because you're--"

"YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO EITHER GIVE UP JOE OR EXIT THE PREMISES. AFTER THAT, WE'RE COMING IN!"

"All because you're lonely and living in a shitty nursing home? Shit, Joe, you and me were brothers -- why didn't you just call me up and say you needed a hand? I woulda been glad to help."

The other Adventure Team members quickly concurred. Even Power, who added, "If nothing else, I could have built an amazing atomic companion for you. Been thinking of whipping one up for myself!"

"Guys, you have no idea how much that means to me," said a humbled Joe. "Looks like I've still got a lot to learn about the meaning of 'all for one and one for all,' huh? But right now, I think I better go outside before I get you in any more trouble than I already have."

"Just outta curiosity, Joe, what do they want you for?" Air Adventurer asked, cooly smoking a cigarette. "I mean, besides making up a pygmy gorilla threat and giving Emmanuel Lewis his first paying gig in years."

"Well, uh, the equipment I got for us to use on this mission. I sort of... borrowed it... from the R.A.H. base..."

Man of Action leapt forward. "It's no crime for a commander to arm his men!" he shouted. "If they want you, they'll have to go through me first!"

"They'll have to go through all of us, Man of Action -- the whole big, bad Adventure Team itself," said The Commando, extending his right hand, palm down. "Are you with us, Joe?"

"I'm with you, all right," Joe confirmed, planting his hand on top of The Commando's. "Let's hear it... partners! All for one and..."

A wave of hands, my own included, rushed to join this brave alliance, and we gladly took up the Adventure Team's time-honored battlecry: "...ONE FOR ALL!!!"

"ADVENTURE TEAM, YOUR FIVE MINUTES ARE UP!" the R.A.H.s challenged from outside. "WE'RE COMING IN!"

And just like that, the "H" was "O."

---CLICK HERE FOR 'FINAL HUNT FOR THE PYGMY GORILLA' PT. VI---