dead alert

Happy All Hallow's Eve Eve, friends! It's me, world-renowned adventurer and bon vivant The Haiku Master with a dire message for one and all: stay off the streets for the next couple nights if you want to live!!!

After all, the zombies are pretty thick out there this time of year.

Zombies Rule The Streets Of Baltimore Every Halloween

Heck, they got my across-the-street neighbor while he was walking his dog last night! One of them ate the heart right out of his chest while another gnawed on what appeared to be his genital region. Horrible way to go. Horrible! I would've helped, but the Sultan of Syllables adopted a strict policy against combating the undead following last year's scare. Besides, I can't be expected to do everything for our grossly overpaid law enforcement community!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see if I can figure out who this "Mister Cruise" is the Haiku-Bot keeps calling. He better not be planning a vacation, I'll tell you that much!

Best,

out with the old, in with the new

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, ringing out the Old Year with the last Haiku International post of 2005!

Unfortunately, I have a lot to do before Castle Haiku's gala New Year's party later tonight, so this isn't destined to be one of my better crafted missives. Instead, I'm going to borrow a page from the hack journalist's playbook and present you with a slapped-together list of top 10 stuff; heck, let's call it The Top 10 Things The Haiku Master Ate In 2005! Here we go:

1) Sausage Pizza: If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, but nothing tastes better than a pipin' hot sausage pizza. Ask for it by name!

2) Hostess Snack Cakes: My obligatory crimefighter endorsement deal with them aside, there really is no finer snack cake on the market. Twinkies? Zingers?! Ho-Hos?!? Only as a last resort as far as I'm concerned!

3) Hoagies: Thanks to the Haiku-Bot's deft hoagie-making abilities, this category made a big jump in the past year, and may even be a serious contender for the top spot in 2006!

4) Lucky Charms: Nothing says breakfast like a paranoid, gold-hoarding leprechaun. Also great as a late-night snack straight out of the box!

5) Cheese: And plenty of it.

6) Hamburgers: Two of my close, personal friends, Jughead Jones and Wellington J. Wimpy, turned me on to these bad boys at an early age, and I've never been able to say "no" to them since.

7) Mashed Potatoes: My preferred movie-watching munchies.

8) Gravy: Goes great by itself, as well as with a variety of other items -- including #s 1, 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9 on this list.

9) Chewing Tobacco: Most wouldn't consider this a food, but if you've got the stomach for swallowing, you'll find it to be a real delicacy.

10) Pop Rocks: A classic never goes out of style.

So there you have it -- the Top 10 Things eaten by the Sultan of Syllables in 2005. Look for next year's list in about 12 months, and until then, have one hell of a Happy New Year!

Best,

they turned me loose

Get back, funky cats! It's me, The Haiku Master, free at last from the fortune cookie factory where I'd been held hostage for the past week!

Though as it turns out, I wasn't actually in a fortune cookie factory. 'Twould appear I drank too much port wine following the Airing of Grievances at my gala Festivus dinner, then climbed into an empty fortune cookie case and passed out before we even got to the Feats of Strength. Being the trickster he is, H.I.'s Minister of Information took it upon himself to tape the box shut and secure it in one of Castle Haiku's many stately broom closets before leaving for a holiday visit with his family in Cuba. Or was it Puerto Rico? One of those Caribbean republics with bananas and goats and what-not.

The Haiku Master Spent A Week In This Box

At any rate, he returned last night and let me out, laughing uproariously at his own hijinks. I would've fired him on the spot for this effrontery, but nobody loves a good prank more than the Pharaoh of 5-7-5. Besides, even schoolchildren know that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Okay for now, 'ku believers. Time for yours truly to prepare for the big New Year's Eve bash I'm hosting tomorrow night! As always, look for your invitation in the mail, assuming you rate one!

Best,

fantastic festivus to all, and to all a good night

Buuuuuuuuurp! Gahr der, fawks. That is, hi there, folks -- it's me, The Haiku Master, just finishing up the last of Castle Haiku's fine Festivus Ham before moving on to the traditional Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength!

Nothing Says Festivus Like A Delicious Ham

Nice looking piece of meat, huh? It sure was, I can tell you that much. But now it exists solely in the memories and bellies of my Festivus guests. And who might they be, you ask? Frankly, it's none of your business, but if you were to assume they include esteemed peers, trusted agents, and lovely ladies (i.e., him, The Haiku-Bot, Old Man Winter, four call girls, and me--ed.), you wouldn't be far off the mark.

That's it for now, gentle readers. My date for the evening is insisting we begin the Airing of Grievances now, and when have I ever been known to refuse a lady? Except for that female cop who wanted me to take a field sobriety test. She was a real bitch.

Happy Holidays and a Fantastic Festivus,

there can be only one

Sweet Criminy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and you're never going to believe this: I just ran into my Mirror Universe counterpart while shopping for a Festivus Ham down at the local Piggly Wiggly!

The Devil you say, you say? Take a look at this shocking photo, taken by a Piggly Wiggly security camera not one hour ago!

This Cheap Knock-Off Of The Haiku Master Bears All The Earmarks Of A Mirror Universe Native

See the evil, grinning leer? The goatee?! The tracksuit?!? If that's not a Mirror Universe The Haiku Master, I don't know what is! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to confirm my suspicions. He was standing near the exit when I spotted him, and took off as soon as we made eye contact. Being next in line at the checkout, I was unable to give chase for fear I'd lose my spot -- or worse yet, that the toothless old woman behind me would snap up my Festivus Ham.

Still, the store manager was nice enough to give me a print-out of the above picture, which I'll certainly be adding to my investigative files. In the meantime, if you see this creep, do not try to apprehend him on your own. Just call the pros at Haiku International, and we'll take care of the rest.

Best,

the goose is getting fat

Howdy, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, with a friendly reminder that December 23 is right around the proverbial corner -- meaning there's just 16 shopping days left 'til the happiest day of the year, Festivus!!!

Castle Haiku's Festivus Pole

Feats of Strength! Airing of Grievances! The Festivus Pole! And best of all, more presents than you can shake a stick at! Speaking of which, I'm sure a number of you have rightfully included me on your gift lists -- for which you have the Sultan of Syllables' eternal gratitude! To help you make what shall surely be one of your toughest present-buying decisions (after all, what does one get for the high-profile celebrity crimefighter who has everything?), I present the following list of items that are always welcome at Castle Haiku:

1) Whiskey
2) Snack Cakes (preferably Hostess)
3) Whiskey
4) Sausage Pizza
5) Whiskey
6) Fine Cuban Tobacco
7) Whiskey
8) Expensive Prostitutes
9) Whiskey
10) Hai Karate Aftershave

There you have it folks; a surefire way to ensure a nice thank-you card from yours truly at some point after the holidays, but probably not before March 13th! And if you'd like to learn more about the Festivus for the Rest of Us, be sure to visit http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/festivus.php. Tell 'em The Haiku Master sent you!

Best,

down for the count

Hi folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, basking in the warm glow of companionship just afforded me by none other than Sesame Street's The Count, who called, as he put it, "To shoot ze sheeet! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

The Count Is Bat-Shit Crazy, Which Is Exactly What The Haiku Master Loves About Him

As always, though, it was one hell of a confusing conversation, what with his junky-level need to count everything in sight... and earshot!

"Hey, Count!" I said, after taking the waiting receiver from the Haiku-Bot. "How's it hanging, baby?"

"Vun!" he shouted gleefully at me. "Vun question! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

"What?" I said, always having trouble with his thick Transylvanian accent.

"Two!" he chortled madly. "Two questions!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

And so it went, with me getting little out of him save a running count -- no pun intended -- of my queries. As well as the distinct sound of him crapping his pants with joy when he got to number twenty-five. Still, it was nice to hear from the guy.

Speaking of which, Festivus is right around the corner (December 23)! Be sure to start calling friends and relations now to ensure generous gift-giving on their parts. Take it from me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

please stand by

Hi folks! It's me, The Haiku Master, ducking in to slip you some devastating news: gremlins have infiltrated Castle Haiku's computer network, requiring a massive upgrade that's going to keep the H.I. site grounded for about another week!

In the meantime, if you're looking for something to do, why not call your mother and tell her how much you love her? I hear they like that kind of thing -- and with the present-giving holidays right around the corner, a little brown-nosing can't hurt. Take it from me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

dear god does my stomach ever hurt

Uh, hi folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, but I'm not feeling so hot right now... because I ate way too much Halloween candy today!!

If The Haiku Master Had Limited Himself To The Candy Shown Here, His Stomach Probably Wouldn't Hurt As Much

Sadly, I had no choice -- between my own trick-or-treating efforts and my cut of the Haiku Street Irregulars' monty haul, I had a veritable mountain of candy at my disposal. Not being the type to waste food, and having no idea what kind of expiration date that stuff carries, I didn't want to take any chances. So I ate 'til I could eat no more, leaving my belly feeling like a lurching, twitching, rubber sack that's been filled to the brim with half-digested Halloween candy!!

Unfortunately, this means I won't even be able to look at candy for months. The rest won't go to waste, though; I've instructed the Haiku-Bot to ship it to an Ethiopian orphanage, where the abandoned children will no doubt put it to good use. And with so little candy left, and so many kids to feed, I'm not worried about it having the same adverse effect on them as it had on me!

Ethiopian Kids Are Already Lining Up For All The Sweet Halloween Candy They're About To Get From The Haiku Master

Okay for now, 'ku believers -- time for the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 to strategically position himself on Castle Haiku's true throne, a stack of comic books and bottle of Pepto Bismol within easy reach!

Best,

happy halloween

Boo!!! Ha ha ha -- don't be scared, fan club members! It's just me, The Haiku Master, playing a little Halloween trick on you! Plus, I have some good news: thanks to the zombicillin I picked up at the free clinic, I'm no longer afflicted with zombieism!!

That's right! The doctor gave me a clean bill of health earlier today, which means I won't be craving brains again anytime soon. Still, it's not like being a zombie was all bad. Heck, I even managed to land this lucrative endorsement deal as a result (I hope I don't have to eat any actual brains to fulfill the terms of the contract, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it):

Brains: The Only Snack Endorsed By The Zombie Haiku Master

Either way, I'm glad it's behind me... and not a moment too soon! For as everyone knows, tonight is the night they give out the free candy -- and the Sultan of Syllables isn't about to miss any free candy!!! Sure, the Haiku Street Irregulars will give me a cut of whatever they bring in, but that won't keep me from trying my luck around here. Nor will it stop me from ordering the Haiku-Bot to give a stern toilet-papering to any houses that don't give up the loot!

That's no threat, friends; it's a promise!

Best,

braaainsss

Braaainsss.

Brains

Braaainsss!!!

Braaainsss,

'isss ssstuff be'r w'rk

Gahrrrr. Isss meee, Th' H'ku Maaassstr. Meee am def'nitely zombieee. Laaady a' freee clin'c tol' meee.

The Haiku Master (Foreground, Left) Waits His Turn At The Local Free Clinic

Sheee g'v' meee med'sssin. Sssay taaaaake it, feeel bett'r 'morrow. Meee hooope sssooo. Meee waaan' eeeach'yer braaainsss!!!

Bessst,

i want to eat your brainsss

Brainsss... I mean, hello loyal readersss. It'sss me -- at leassst, it'sss kind of me -- The Haiku Massster, and I mussst warn you that I'm not feeling ssso well right now.

Sssee, I wasss out fighting zombiesss lassst night, like I do every "Hallo-weekend." Asss alwaysss, the walking dead were no match for the Pharaoh of 5-ss7-5. Unfortunately, one of them managed to ssscratch me on the wrissst towardsss the end of the battle. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I woke up thisss morning, I looked like thisss!!!

The Haiku Master Felt Like Crap When He Woke Up This Morning

Plusss, I'm hissssing my essssesss, and have a conssstant hankering for brainsss... sssweet, sssweet brainsss!!! All of which are textbook sssymptomsss of zombieisssm!

I don't want to russsh to any conclusssions, but I am going to get myssself checked out at the free clinic. In the meantime, if you sssee me coming down the ssstreet, better play it sssafe and duck down an alley!

Bessst,

more zombies than you can shake a stick at

Howdy folks. It's me, The Haiku Master, freshly returned from my nightly patrol of Charm City -- where the streets are thick with zombies, as they are every year during Halloween Weekend!!!

A Pack Of Bloodthirsty Zombies Rushes The Haiku Master (Foreground, Right)

To make matters worse, these aren't your father's zombies. Historically, thwarting the walking dead was simply a matter of keeping up a brisk pace while swatting at their heads with the weapon of one's choice; in my case, my trusty 1-iron. But these days, those suckers are fast!

Frankly, I blame it on 28 Days Later. Not to mention that high-gloss Dawn of the Dead remake! Whoever directed those movies should be run out of town on a rail. I mean, what kind of traitorous humans make zombie empowerment flicks?!

No matter though -- the Sultan of Syllables is still more than a match for a bunch of stupid zombies, regardless of how quickly they move! In fact, I took down more than 50 earlier tonight while rescuing the nice people seen in this photo:

The Haiku Master (Left) Takes A Break From Fighting Zombies To Comfort A Group Of Human Survivors

Of course, not all zombies are bad. Take my close, personal friend, Zombie Gary Hart. The onetime presidential hopeful may have a head full of worms these days, but he's still a dreamer with a powerful message. If he could just learn to stay away from the "Monkey Business" -- wink wink, nudge nudge -- he might just make it to the Oval Office one day.

From Left: Zombie Gary Hart And The Haiku Master

Okay for now, kids. Fighting zombies is tiring work, so it's time for your hero to hit the hay. Catch you on the flip side!

Best,

market research be damned

Rejoice, proud warriors! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, ready at last to throw off the yoke of minutiae that drove me to the brink of madness... and proudly declare a new age of High Adventure!!!

That's right! You'll find no more "mundane details" on this site, no matter how popular that format is with "blog" readers (and writers) the world over. For the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 isn't here to make friends and influence people, gentle readers; he's here to thrill you, chill you, and rock you like the hurricanes you are! Whether you like it or not!!

Just Like Players Club Founder Telly Savalas (Right), The Haiku Master (Left) Longs To Be Where The Action Is

Not to mention the fact that Halloween is this Monday, which means zombies will be out in full force all weekend long. And there's nothing mundane about whipping a pack of zombies into submission while they feverishly try to eat your brains, believe you me!

Best,

no more easters

Greetings, loyal readers. Looking for the next installment in "Drunk in the Heart of Texas?" Check back later, for I, The Haiku Master, am in no mood to entertain tonight.

For starters, my body is currently wracked by some kind of bizarre viral infection, leaving me lethargic and light-headed. It's probably the flu, but I'm a haikuist, dammit, not a doctor.

What really has the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 bothered, though, is this Easter phenomenon.

I mean, what gives? The free candy is all well and good, but isn't anyone else a little unnerved by the whole undead messiah thing? And how does the egg-laying rabbit factor into the mix? Is it supposed to be Zombie Jesus's sidekick or something? Why does it encourage humans to eat its children before they even hatch? Finally, why does it mate with human females, as indicated by this picture?

Is This Unidentified Woman The One Who Actually Lays The Easter Eggs?

I mean, shit -- the government massacred the Branch Davidians over less weirdness than this. What are my tax dollars paying for, anyway? Let's put these sinister Easter cultists behind bars and throw away the key, before someone gets hurt. So sayeth I -- The Haiku Master!

Best,

happy rooster year

G'day, mates! It's me, The Haiku Master -- back with warm wishes for you on the first day of the year 4703!

Don't worry, though; I haven't been whisked away to the future on some crazy adventure or anything. See, 4703 is the current year if you're Chinese...and as if a high-falutin' number like that wasn't cool enough on its own, they're calling it the Year of the Rooster, to boot!

Foghorn Leghorn Ponders The Possibilities Presented By An Entire Year Devoted To His People

As you can tell from my profile picture, I'm not Chinese, but I am a certified Master of Haiku. As you may or may not know, haiku originated in Japan, which in turn is very close to China (or so my agents tell me). So it seemed only right that I join my Chinese step-brothers in celebration.

And what better way to ring in the Year of the Rooster than with a slam-bam, no-holds-barred, winner-take-all cockfight?!?

Details to come, but it'll probably take place behind the 7-11 near my top secret base of operations, with a $25 entry fee and a strict BYOC policy.

Hope to see you there!

Best,



p.s. No robot chickens allowed.