wheelin' and dealin', pt. II

***
CHAPTER II

Following Old Man Winter's frantic phone call, I directed Castle Haiku's staff to prepare the Haiku Plane for takeoff, and was Cairo-bound within the hour. Upon landing at Cairo International Airport, I cast about for a ride to the local Motel 6... and soon found one in the form of a slackjawed lad and his camel-powered buggy!

Cairo

"I know you!" the boy, Fuad, gasped as we trotted through the packed city streets. "You are a very famous American, yes?"

"Er, well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but yes, yes I am," I replied, truthfully.

"I knew it! Where have I seen you?"

"Well, I'm the internationally renowned crimefighter known as..."

"Yes, now I know! You are on that very funny show, how you do you say it, 'Kids in the Hall!'"

"'Kids in the Hall?'"

"Yes!"

"No..."

"Yes!"

"...it rings a bell, but..."

"Yes!"

"No, really, I'm..."

"Cabbage Head! Yes, you are the Cabbage Head! Ha ha ha, I knew it! You make me laugh so much on the television! Please -- please let me have your autograph!"

"Cabbage Head!? Why you-!!" I barked. "I'm The Haiku Master, fool, not some two-bit impersonator!"

"But..."

"But nothing! I've heard enough! That's my stop up there -- pull over!"

Fuad savagely forced the camel to halt, and I disembarked.

"Wait, wait mister, don't be angry," he begged. "It's just that you look so much like him!"

"Hmm. Well, I suppose it is a common enough mistake," I said as I paid the fare. "Nevertheless, the Sultan of Syllables doesn't take kindly to being compared to lame sketch comedy characters from Canada! Now good day, sir!"

Grabbing my bag, I headed to the Motel 6's front desk. After checking in, I asked the concierge to inform Old Man Winter of my arrival, then went up to my room to await his call. It didn't take long; I was only into my second glass of George Dickel: The Official Whisky of The Haiku Master when the room's phone started to ring.

George Dickel No's. 8 & 12: The Only Whisky Endorsed By The Haiku Master

"Haiku Master's room," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"Hey, Haiku Master! Haiku Master, it's me, Old Man Winter! How's it going?"

"It's going fine, but a busy man like me doesn't have time for pleasantries. Now what's going on with this Egyptian cotton deal?"

"Oh right, the cotton! Hey Haiku Master, listen, it's all under control! Minderbinder's here and he's ready to get down to business. We're gonna be rich, baby -- filthy, stinking rich!"

"Minderbinder? Who's this Minderbinder?"

"Oh, Milo -- he's the broker on this little transaction. Don't worry about him though, Haiku Master, he's cool. Me and him go way back."

"You're trying to tell me that someone named Milo Minderbinder is 'cool?'"

"Yeah, Haiku Master! You can trust me on this -- I haven't gone off my meds since February! Honest!"

"Well, as much as it pains me, I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. Where does 'Milo' want to do this? Your room? My room? The motel's lounge? Time's a-wastin', man!"

There was some muffled chatter from Old Man Winter's end. Seconds passed, and then: "Hey Haiku Master! Haiku Master, it's me, Old Man Winter! You still there?"

"Yes, I'm still here! And stop shouting, goddammit!"

"Okay, great! Listen, he says we're coming over there -- room 227, right?"

"Right, 227. Now hurry up. And bring your own booze for once, you mooching bastard!"

I set the receiver down and finished off my drink, wondering what kind of bad craziness would ensue once O.M.W. and this Minderbinder freak walked through the door. Little did I know I had nothing to worry about!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'' PT. III---

won't get fooled again

Sigh. Hello, readers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and a deep, deep, deep, deep vein of disappointment runs through my river tonight... for I am once more alone in a world I never made!!!

Those of you who don't watch MTV or The Simple Life will have no problem recalling my hope that this man and I might be related:

Unfortunately, my dreams were for naught. Earlier today, one of my agents tracked down the other Homo Cabbagien's true identity, and it turns out he's just a plain old Homo Sapien -- Canadian actor Bruce McCulloch, a.k.a. Mr. Big Fat Fraud!!

Canadian Actor Bruce McCulloch Pulled A Fast One On The Haiku Master

As you can see, he doesn't actually have cabbage hair. The cabbage he's wearing in the first picture is just a wig for a character named (har, har) "Cabbage Head" on some hick comedy show out of Canada called Kids in the Hall. Which leads me to doubt the authenticity of his cigar and smoking jacket, as well.

Furthermore, this character is clearly based on me, The Haiku Master. As a result, my attorney Johnnie Cochran is already examining the many ways in which we will wring every Canadian penny out of McCulloch -- if that is his real name! -- for this flagrant copyright and trademark infringement. Turning me, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5, into some kind of sketch comedy material! How dare he?! Now I know how Hunter S. Thompson felt when he flipped open the paper one morning and saw Doonesbury's Honey staring up at him!

Far worse than the financial aspect, however, is the emotional toll this episode has waged on yours truly. After years of searching, I thought I'd finally found another of my kind, someone who could explain my true origin... only to discover it was all some sick joke for McCulloch's amusement. Shame on you and you cheap cabbage wig, McCulloch! Shame on you both!

I suppose that's it for now. In the meantime, if you see McCulloch, please give him a swift kick in the ass.

Best,

o brother who art thou?

Hi there, loyal readers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and in the words of my dearly departed Uncle Castor... "Holy Shit!"

Want to know the source of my excitement? Look no further than this picture, which my Minister of Information says he found at a German fetish site. Whatever that means (question marks added by Shelton...who's still on thin ice!):

Who Is This Cabbage-Headed Man And What Relation Does He Bear To The Haiku Master?

I mean, look! Look!! That man has cabbage for hair -- just like me, The Haiku Master!!! Sweet baby Jesus on an atom-powered pogo stick, don't you know what this means?!?

It means I, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5, am not alone in this crazy, mixed-up world! There are other cabbage-headed people amongst us! Well, amongst you...'cause I'm one of them! Homo Cabbagien uber alles!

Plus, given that he's wearing a smoking jacket and puffing a stogie -- two of my favorite pastimes -- he and I may very well be related!

Whew! All right, I've got to start working the phones to see what I can track down on this character. I just hope he's not a dick!

Best,