i've been going about this 'blogging' thing all wrong

Hoo-boy. Hi gang. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever embarrassed -- for I just discovered I'm a true ignoramus when it comes to the ancient art of "blogging"!!!

That's right! For nearly a year, I've been using this site to thrill you with one gut-wrenching, totally true adventure after another... only to find "blogs" are usually used to keep perfect strangers up-to-date on life's most trivial minutiae! At least, that's what I've surmised after finally noticing and using that "Next Blog >>" button at the top right corner of this and every Haiku International web page. Take this one for example:

You see?! No action, no excitement, and certainly no bad craziness -- just a nice, wholesome slice-of-life vignette from an apparent chambermaid who likes to get drunk and talk about sheets with a good friend. Fun times indeed! On to our next contestant:

Hmm, maybe I was wrong about the "no adventure" aspect that you fine people have come to expect from "blogs"... for this one's packed with more heart-pounding heroism than one could reasonably be expected to shake a stick at! The writer and his companions got "wasted," he "squatted" someone named Gary -- a few times!! -- then wrestled a bit before passing out on the floor with his wife. Too lame? I think not, good sir! Nor too poorly written! Now for #3:

Huh. Well, two out of three go for the "no adventure" format, so I'll have to assume that's the accepted norm. But whatever this post lacks in pulse-poundingness is more than counterbalanced by the vast sums of unshakeable depression it brings to the table!

Needless to say, this visit to some of my Blogger.com neighbors has been an extremely eye-opening experience -- one that I plan to capitalize on with a bold new direction for the ol' "blog," starting tomorrow! Count on it!!

Best,

clowns don't change their greasepaint

Hello there, loyal readers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and do I ever have some frightening news: notorious super-villain Boss Clown is apparently up to his old tricks again, knocking over a doughnut shop in Everett, WA on October 19 (link goes to the highly respected Komo 1000 News)!

According to the report, "the robbers were "[i]n full clown make up with red noses..." and "forced [the owner's] wife to open the safe in the back room," "...[getting] away with $300-$400 before running out the back door." If that doesn't sound like a classic Boss Clown M.O., I don't know what does! And having matched wits with that fiend countless times in the past, the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 is in a unique position to know!

Criminal Mastermind Boss Clown In An Undated File Photo

Plus, he's more dangerous than ever now that he has a sidekick. So beware, non-rhyming poetry fans -- especially if you own a doughnut shop!!

Best,


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P.S. I'd go after Boss Clown, but my crimefighting jurisdiction doesn't extend to the state of Washington. (Mr. Sasquatch has that beat, and he's very territorial, believe you me!) But if B.C. makes the mistake of coming back to the Baltimore area, you have my assurance I'll be on him like white on rice.

shelton really earned his keep this week

Hidey-ho, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, freshly returned from an ill-fated fishing expedition with a group of juvenile delinquents I like to call the "Haiku Street Irregulars"... only to find that H.I.'s Minister of Information updated the dickens out of the ol' "blog" while I was away!

H.I.'s Minister of Information, Shelton, Isn't The Sharpest Card In The Deck, But He Gets The Job Done

I mean, just look at the place! As if compiling my Big Vegas Caper into one complete edition wasn't enough, he also created a brand-new comic book cover for it! Then he went above-and-beyond by whipping up that swell new masthead... which will apparently be revamped on a more-or-less weekly basis with a different wide-angle action shot of yours truly!! Can you believe it?!?

And there's that other thing, below the masthead, which I'm technically not supposed to speak of per the terms of our pending application with the provider. So 'nuff said on that front!

Okay for now, fan club members -- time for the Sultan of Syllables to hit the shower in an attempt to rid himself of this infernal fish stink. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy the fruits of Shelton's labor!

Best,

why don't they just hire hoagy carmichael to play james bond?

Howdy folks. It's the object of your affection, The Haiku Master, taking a night off from patrolling the mean streets of Baltimore to catch up on my entertainment news... and just now learning that the slumlords who own the James Bond franchise have once again taken a wrong turn!

Daniel Craig Was Hired To Play Bond...

The mistake I'm referencing is the recent hiring of relatively unknown actor Daniel Craig as the sixth "official" movie James Bond. Notable for being the first "Blonde Bond" and first "Name Like A DC Comics Character Bond," Craig is sure to bring depth and passion to the role... but what he won't bring is a striking resemblance to Hoagy Carmichael!!!

...But Hoagy Carmichael Was Born To Play Bond

Don't worry, I know what you non-007-philes are thinking: "But The Haiku Master! What does looking like Hoagy Carmichael have to do with playing the world's premier secret agent?!"

And I say to you: Everything! For as Vesper tells Mathis in Ian Fleming's debut 007 novel, Casino Royale: "He is very good looking. He reminds me rather of Hoagy Carmichael..."

Need I -- or Ian Fleming -- say more? Hopefully those Hollywood halfwits will get it right next time and hire the real deal. It's not like Hoagy's getting any younger!

Best,

time magazine doesn't know from good novels

Hi kids. It's me, The Haiku Master, taking a break from my in-development Big Vegas Caper to bring your attention to a very disheartening development: TIME Magazine's highly suspect list of the All-Time 100 Novels!

How Does One Compile An All-Time 100 Novels List Without Finding Room For Hunter Thompson's Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (Shown), Amongst Others?

Picked by "TIME Critics Lev Grossman and Richard Lacayo" -- a.k.a. two guys the Sultan of Syllables has never heard of -- this so-called list pretends to pinpoint "the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present." And while I'll admit there are some good choices amongst the many white elephants, it should be noted that a large section of that crop's cream got left on the cutting room floor!

At any rate, and using the same criteria as TIME, here are 19 novels and three "graphic novels" (a fancy word for comic book, and included to complement TIME's Watchmen endorsement) we at Haiku International feel should have been included, presented in alphabetical order. I've only read the comics, but H.I.'s Minister of Information claims to have read the real books and assures me they are the bee's knees.

So without further adieu, here's H.I.'s All-Time 22 Novels That Should Have Made TIME's List Of All-Time 100 Novels:

• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
• Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
• Casino Royale, Ian Fleming
• The Collector, John Fowles
• A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy O'Toole
• Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hunter S. Thompson
• A Feast of Snakes, Harry Crews
• Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
• The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
• The Godfather, Mario Puzo
• Grendel, John Gardner
• Ham on Rye, Charles Bukowski
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
• The Invisibles, Grant Morrison & Various
• Libra, Don DeLillo
• Misery, Stephen King
• Preacher, Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon
• Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
• Transmetropolitan, Warren Ellis & Darick Robertson
• The Wanderers, Richard Price
• Wise Blood, Flannery O'Connor

Some may argue, but they are wrong. So sayeth I... The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

it's okay gang, i took care of business

How's it shaking, folks? Well lemme tell ya are ya ever in for a surprise, 'cause this ain't the Haiku Master talking to ya, and it ain't that schlub Haikunestro either; it's me, lovable star of film and television Joey Bishop!!!

What A Mug, Huh? That's Me, Joey Bishop!

Ya better believe it -- me, the last surviving member of the Rat Pack! I know what yer thinking: "Joey, as someone who follows yer career very closely, I know yer still alive and all, but ain't ya a very old man? Is it safe for ya to be movin' around and 'blogging' and all that?"

So I says to ya, "Hey, I'm no old man -- I'm the Joey Bishop from 1960! Footloose, fancy-free and rarin' to cock-a-doodle-doo all night long!! How do ya like them apples?"

Which of course makes ya say, "I like 'em a lot Joey, but how could ya be the Joey Bishop from 1960? It's 2005 for Pete's sake!"

To be honest, I ain't real sure. It has something to do with some theory that matter can't be destroyed or created, so when that Haiku Master friend of yers got sent back to 1960, I got sent here to 2005 as a make-good. At least, that's what the Perfessor I met at the modern day Las Vegas Hilton said to me, if I'm remembering it right. He also told me that Haikunestro creep was behind it all, so I beat tracks over here to Castle Haiku as fast as I could and gave that lame-o some of the ol' ring-a-ding-ding!

I guess that's it. Time for me to hightail it back to Vegas, so I don't miss my temporal ride back home! Yowza, that wouldn't be good -- no way to get a doctor to touch up the x-rays on that one!

Good night folks,

Joey Bishop