johnnie cochran, superstar: rest in peace

Horrible news, haiku fanatics! For the first time in more than a decade, I, The Haiku Master, am without legal representation -- superstar lawyer Johnnie Cochran has filed his last brief (link goes to The Guardian)!

The Best Goddamn Lawyer The World Ever Knew

If I had a nickel for every time the man pictured above pulled me out of an inexplicable legal jam, I'd be in jail, 'cause Johnnie charged a damn sight more than a nickel. But he was worth every penny! Now who is the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 supposed to turn to for a high-powered defense when the walls of this thin, cruel world come closing down?! Mark Geragos? Ha! Ask Scott Peterson for a recommendation on that fraud!

Ah, well. I suppose I'll give Shelton's attorney, Peter O'Neill, a try. He better know his stuff, for broken laws seem to go hand in hand with the noble puruits of spreading haiku and fighting crime.

Best,


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P.S. - Stop bitching, more installments of "Drunk in the Heart of Texas" are coming soon enough. For one, the Sultan of Syllables was deathly ill with a head cold for three or four days. For two, I may or may not have bought an addictive new video game on the cheap. Until I talk to a new attorney, I'm not admitting anything.

no more easters

Greetings, loyal readers. Looking for the next installment in "Drunk in the Heart of Texas?" Check back later, for I, The Haiku Master, am in no mood to entertain tonight.

For starters, my body is currently wracked by some kind of bizarre viral infection, leaving me lethargic and light-headed. It's probably the flu, but I'm a haikuist, dammit, not a doctor.

What really has the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 bothered, though, is this Easter phenomenon.

I mean, what gives? The free candy is all well and good, but isn't anyone else a little unnerved by the whole undead messiah thing? And how does the egg-laying rabbit factor into the mix? Is it supposed to be Zombie Jesus's sidekick or something? Why does it encourage humans to eat its children before they even hatch? Finally, why does it mate with human females, as indicated by this picture?

Is This Unidentified Woman The One Who Actually Lays The Easter Eggs?

I mean, shit -- the government massacred the Branch Davidians over less weirdness than this. What are my tax dollars paying for, anyway? Let's put these sinister Easter cultists behind bars and throw away the key, before someone gets hurt. So sayeth I -- The Haiku Master!

Best,

f for freedom

Most triumphant news, freedom lovers -- Chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer has left his Japanese detention center and is on a plane to Iceland as I, The Haiku Master, type these words!!!

Ring The Bell -- Grandmaster Bobby Fischer Just Schooled The Tyrannical Bush Administration At International Chess!

Mark this day in your calendars, friends, for it is one your descendants will long sing songs about as they sit 'round the trashcan fires necessitated by the future devastation of the ever-deepening peak oil crisis!

Speaking of which, I wish I could tell you about the time I went to the future in a failed attempt to evade paying taxes, but certain legal entanglements prevent me from doing so.

Best,


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P.S. -- Not to worry, a complete Texas wrap-up is still on the way. Give a Haiku Master a couple of days to unwind, for Christ's sake!

P.P.S. -- For additional Haiku International coverage of the Grandmaster's legal problems, click here and here.

the familiar smell of despair

AUSTIN, TX -- Good morning, world citizens. It is I, The Haiku Master, filing one more report from Texas before returning to my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs.

The weekend... the weekend did not go as planned. My dreams of world domination by way of mariachi are now forgotten, shattered by forces beyond my control. And excessive consumption of liquor, red meat, and fine Cuban tobacco, which technically was within my control. But let's not quibble over meaningless facts, shall we?

On the plus side, I finally met a woman worthy of the Pharaoh of 5-7-5: Miss Conduct, a lethal enforcer for the Texas Roller Derby's Holy Rollers. Ah, Miss Conduct! My heart may be clogged by pettiness and lard, but it shall always be yours for the stomping -- please reconsider my Slaveboy offer!

Okay for now, 'ku believers. A couple of undercover airport security agents are giving me the stink-eye, so it's time for me to wrap this up; the less attention drawn to my rancid body odor and suitcase full of smuggled Mexican fruit, the better.

Best,

grandmaster update: iceland's knight to king bobby's bacon

Mahalo, loyal readers. It's me, The Haiku Master, surfacing from my current adventures in Texas with an exciting chess update: Iceland has agreed to grant full citizenship to Chess Grandmaster Bobby Fischer, thereby enabling him to avoid U.S. "justice" (link goes to the Philadelphia Enquirer).

Thanks To Iceland, The Deadly Gamesman May Be Free By The End Of Next Week

I wish I had more time to expound on this victorious news, but Masters of Mariachi is due at Hyde Park's Fresh-Plus in 20 minutes, so I've got to go.

Best,


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P.S. Please ignore the post Paulo made prior to this one. I'd delete it if I could, but my area of wizardry lies in the twin realms of haiku and crimefighting, not computering. Suffice it to say Paulo is lying scum, and will be dealt with shortly after MoM takes top prize at SXSW.

stupid cabbage man es muy muy malo

hola mi nombre es paulo and you might no me from such haiku adventures as "journey into mexico" and "free paulo"

here is picture of me me am one tough hombre no?

This Is Me Paulo

ok so me not here to chew the barbacoa de cabeza with you señoras y caballeros mostly because me hate the taste of cow face it is muy muy malo

no me am here because el hombre muy extraño -- eh el haiku master me think you call him -- drank too much and now he take long siesta so me use his whirly-boom-gig-gig thing to talk to you about BIG warning

ok here it is get ready for the big surprise

el haiku master? madre dios he muy muy muy muy hombre muy extraño and very dangerous

oh and he poop in his pants last night

please for paulo stop reading this electronic book thing because it only makes him do more and then me wind up in jail and me no like jail

ok me go now so me can kick hombre muy extraño in the head more before he wakes up it will be okay because he will think it is his hangover that hurts but ha ha me will no the truth

Bendiciones de Jesús

Paulo