sorry mr. disney

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‘FREE PAULO,’ CHAPTER VI

Greetings, friends. It's me, The Haiku Master, feeling a little sheepish about a rather embarrassing series of events that occurred today.

It all started innocuously enough. After announcing victory in our legal case against the State of Florida, Paulo, Johnnie Cochran, and I decided to celebrate by taking a V.I.P. Tour of Disney World.

The Press Conference Done, H.M., Johnnie, And Paulo Took A V.I.P. Tour Of Disney World

If you've never been on a Disney V.I.P. Tour, I highly recommend doing so at your earliest convenience. Not only do you get a staff of slackjawed peons to see to your every need, but they also let you drink liquor -- a strict "no-no" for the little people!

At any rate, with the free drinks flowing like wine, it wasn't long before Paulo and I were pretty damn wasted...despite having "gobbled" down six turkey legs each in Frontier Land! Feeling no pain nor common sense, we found ourselves in front of the World's Greatest Theme Park Ride -- Pirates of the Caribbean -- and that's when everything starts to get kind of hazy.

Johnnie Cochran Decided To Wait Outside While Paulo And The Haiku Master Enjoyed The Greatest Theme Park Ride On Earth

"Yesh!!" I cried, startling a picture-taking Korean family. "Thash mah dawg! Thash -- HIC! -- mah dawg! C'mon, you scurvy bilge monkeys! Allferoneanoneferall!!"

I don't really remember what happened after that point, but I do know that Johnnie waited outside to sign autographs while Paulo and I went in. I also recall going through the ride multiple times, perhaps as many as 12. Then...

Climbing out of our boat...

Dismantling a couple of animatronic pirates, taking their clothes...

Not knowing all the words to the song, ride patrons noticing...

Violently boarding one boat, setting fire to another...

Paulo vomiting into a lady's purse, me asking for her number...

Scuffling with security guards, Johnnie cursing at us...

H.M. And Paulo Mistakenly Thought They Could Mingle With The Animatronic Pirates Without Being Noticed By Disney Security

Next thing I know, Paulo and I were being shoved out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

"Never disrespect The Mouse, híbrido!" he shouted as the car pulled away. I looked around, and saw we were in front of the Orlando International Greyhound Station. Moreover, we each had a bus ticket in our back pocket -- mine for Baltimore, and Paulo's for Mexico.

"Well, I guess this is it for now, 'com-pad-ray,'" I said, shaking Paulo's hand. "Give me a call once you get back home, and we'll go over some new expansion strategies for the CCCP-US...Commissioner Paulo!!"

"Sí, Hombre muy Extraño," Paulo said sagely. "Adíos."

So remember, kids: remain inside your ride vehicle at all times while at Disney World. Otherwise, you might find yourself being thrown out of a slow-moving Lincoln Town Car by a rubbery fat man with a preposterous handlebar mustache.

I assure you, this is not something you want.

Best,