the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. III

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CHAPTER III

Thanks to my recruitment efforts, the Haiku Plane was stuffed to the gills with six of the roughest roughnecks around when it set down at Las Vegas' McCarran International Airport that Thursday morning. In fact, before we go any further, I do believe it's time for the Vegas Roll Call:

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The Haiku Master: Possessed of mad haiku and crimefighting skillz, this world-famous adventurer needs no introduction.

Paulo: Noted cockfighting champion, and one of Mexico's greatest warriors. Also a skilled mariachi trumpet player.

Old Man Winter: An oft-drunk senior citizen with witchy winter powers. Can be downright dangerous when he's off his meds.

The Haiku-Bot: A robot copy of The Haiku Master, created by the Church of Scientology and rewired for domestic servitude by Best Buy's "Geek Squad." Makes the world's finest hoagie.

Dubya: On loan from legendary concert promoter Texas Kelly. Will not back down from a fight, and may or may not be a clone of America's so-called president.

Angelina Jolie: The sexiest woman alive, and very easy on the eyes. Also an expert at recovering lost treasure and adopting alleged orphans.

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Seconds after the Haiku Plane touched down on the runway, Old Man Winter was out of his seat -- clutching large wads of cash in each hand as his eyes flashed wildly!

"Haiku Master! Hey, Haiku Master! Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there? I'm dying to lay some bets!"

"Sweet Jesus, man!" I replied, lounging in the navigator's seat as the Haiku-Bot taxied us to our gate. "We're not even off the runway! Calm down -- you'll upset Angelina!"

"Thank you, darling," Angelina said huskily from her easy-massage-access position behind yours truly. "That man frightens me to death."

"Fear not, my sweet. We'll be ensconced at our love nest at the local Motel 6: The Official Motel Chain of The Haiku Master soon enough!"

"Motel 6?" she said, eyes wide in shock. "Never in hell would I stay at a Motel 6! My first husband caught syhphilis using the toilet at one of those fleabag joints!"

"Yeah, I'm not too keen on 'the 6' either, Haiku Master," said O.M.W. "I got crabs from the one we stayed at in Cairo. I'm sure it wasn't from any of the call girls, 'cause they all told me they were clean."

(Ed. Note: See "Wheelin' and Dealin'" for details.)

"Dubya think that another e-xag-ger-a-tion," Dubya retorted. "Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh."

"I don't care where we stay," Paulo added, "so long as I get something to eat. I'm hongry."

"Enough!" I shouted. "You people are driving me bonkers! Except for you, Angelina."

"Excuse me Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but we have arrived at, the gate. The captain has, extinguished the 'no smoking' and, 'seatbelt' lights and passengers, may. Depart."

"Thank #$%@ for that!" said Old Man Winter, lighting a long, fat cigar as he grabbed his carry-on bag. "I'll meet you guys at the Hilton -- time for this mad daddy to throw some bones!"

"I'll go with you, Señor Winter," said Paulo. "I gotta get something to eat. I'm hongry."

"Dubya go too," added the freakishly bearded giant. "Me survey the damage."

"Okay, but don't forget: we're meeting Professor de la Groove at the Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino at 12:00 o'clock! Don't be late!"

"Hey, don't worry about us Haiku Master!" Old Man Winter shouted back as the three scuttled off the plane. "We'll be fine, you'll see!"

With that, they were gone... and I soon found myself once more in the warm embrace of the world's sexiest woman, Angelina Jolie!

"Now that they're gone, darling," she whispered, "do you think you could fit some time into your busy crimefighting schedule for some mad, passionate lovemaking with me?"

"Could I ever! Let me just shut down the Haiku-Bot first..."

"No, let him watch -- let him see what he is missing! Let all the men of the world see what they are missing when they are not with me: Angelina Jolie!! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

Being a wholesome American entertainment provider, we at Haiku International will now dim the lights so that any children in the audience won't be subjected to the horribly unnatural sight of naked human beings. Don't worry, though; we'll have plenty of good old fashioned violence for them in subsequent chapters!

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