the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. IV

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CHAPTER IV

Following a torrid session with Angelina Jolie, I happened to glance at my watch while getting dressed... and realized it was already half-past twelve!

Angelina Jolie Snuggles Up To The Haiku Master (Left) On The Haiku Plane While A Jealous Haiku-Bot Looks On

"Sweaty Mother of Arbuckle!" I gasped. "We're late, Angelina -- Professor de la Groove's going to be furious! Come on, let's go!"

"But darling," she said. "I still have to put on my makeup!"

"No time for that now; you can put it on in the cab! Haiku-Bot, you too! Let's move it, people!"

"Begging your pardon Mr., The Haiku Master sir but, my internal servo-processors indicate..."

"Less talk more go!" I barked, straightening my ascot as I locked the Haiku Plane's hatch behind me.

With that, we hustled through the airport and out to our choice of waiting cabs. We opted for a no-nonsense white model emblazoned with ads for Barry Manilow, Carrot Top, and the like, and were soon on our way.

"Where you folks headed?" the cabbie asked.

"The Las Vegas Hilton -- and there's an extra something in it for you if you can get us there forty minutes ago!"

"That's a tall order chief, but I'll see what I can do."

See he did, but it was all for naught... for by the time we arrived at the Hilton, it was already one o'clock! Needless to say, our driver did not receive a tip.

From Left: The Haiku-Bot, Angelina Jolie, And The Haiku Master Enter The Las Vegas Hilton's Space Quest Casino

"Goddamn the hands of time!" I shouted as we burst into the Space Quest Casino, startling some elderly women who were fiendishly feeding their pensions into a bank of Damnation Alley-themed slot machines. "I don't see Professor de la Groove anywhere -- they must've gone on without us!"

"Keep it down, you bozo!" said one of the grandmothers. "We're trying to win some money here!"

"Yeah!" said a second. "You're gonna throw my mojo out of whack!"

"With all due respect Mr., The Haiku Master sir," said the Haiku-Bot, "but I believe, we are. Early."

"What are you babbling on about now?! Unless Congress recently voted to change the direction in which time flows, one o'clock still comes after twelve o'clock!!"

"Tsk, this horrible Administration," Angelina said. "Is there nothing so low as to prevent them from stooping for it?"

Ignoring Angelina, the Haiku-Bot continued. "Bzzt. Correct. As of my, most recent data update Congress, has not changed the flow of time."

"Then how the hell could we be early?"

"Mr. The Haiku, Master sir there is, a three hour time difference. Between the east and, west coasts of the United, States. Of America."

"Three hour time difference... what on earth are you talking about, you overweight blob of grease?!"

"He's right, darling," Angelina breathed huskily in my ear. "I learned about it through all the travel required by my profession."

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" I declared. "That certainly explains a lot of the confusing situations I encounter while on the road. But no matter now. All right, let's synchronize watches! Ten-oh-nine 'local time' on my mark, and... Mark!"

The issue settled, the three of us decided to kill the remaining hours by easing into some high stakes gambling. At least, we were going to until the Haiku-Bot found itself fairly discriminated against!

"Hey!" shouted the Space Quest Bar's pudgy tender, pointing wildly at H.B. "We don't serve their kind here!"

Any Similarities Between The Space Quest Bartender And A Lucasfilm Character Are Purely Coincidental

"I sincerely hope you're not referring to Homo Cabbagiens," I growled, simmering with rage at the apparent racism.

"No, 'droids. It'll have to wait outside. We don't want them here."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's too easy for them to cheat! They got minds like computers, man!"

"Oh, I guess I can see that," I said. Then, to H.B.: "Listen, why don't you go wait out by the cabstand? We don't want any trouble."

"I heartily agree with, you Mr., The Haiku Master. Sir."

As H.B. trotted off, Angelina and I got down to some white knuckle baccarat with a crew of seedy businessmen from Europe... never realizing that every crisp snap of the cards was being watched by my sworn arch-foe, the one and only Haikunestro!

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