a joke for all you doofuses

Heh. Hi stooges. Yes, it's me again. Haikunestro. And I've got a joke that's perfect for this crowd:

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Dumbasses.

Dumbasses who?

Dumbasses who read Haiku International.

HAW-HAW!!!

Worst,

haiku is for morons

Bad news, bitches. Looks like your so-called hero, the Haiku Mayoinnaise-Eater, still hasn't figured out a way to untemporally displace himself from 1960. Which means you're stuck with me, Haikunestro, for another night!

Better still, I've also taken the liberty of ensconcing myself at the place once referred to by my asinine arch-foe as "Castle Haiku" -- henceforth to be known as Castle Haikunestro!! I must admit, Haiku Head was right when he said his sanctum sanctorum was better than mine... but now his is mine and he's trapped in the past with none! Advantage: Haikunestro! Mwa-ha! Mwa-ha!

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

With The Haiku Master In 1960, Haikunestro Is Living It Up At Castle Haiku, Er, Castle Haikunestro

But enough of that. You people are boring me. Go do something useful, like serve as cannon-fodder in Iraq.

Worst,

suck it, haiku fans

Hi there, dipshits. No, this isn't your old buddy, your old pal, your old friend the Haiku Masturbator. It's me -- Haikunestro.

I, Haikunestro

That's right, idiots. You probably came here looking for the eighth chapter in my dimwitted nemesis' so-called Vegas venture. Well, guess what? I temporally displaced his ass all the way back to 1960, which means you're not getting any of his nonsense tonight. Boo-frikkin-hoo.

Instead -- thanks to my well-above average computer hacking abilities -- you get the greatness that is me telling the lowness that is you that you're not doing yourself or the world any favors by encouraging that cabbage-headed cretin. I mean, come on; the guy's borderline retarded. Laughing at his stuff is like laughing at the antics of a classroom full of Down's Syndrome kids. Which I personally find enjoyable, but I'm a high-profile professional super-villain. You people, on the other hand, have no excuse.

So that's that. Go find a collective life, you losers.

Worst,


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P.S. Yes you yahoos, I do realize I temporally displaced your ill-advised choice of hero more than two weeks ago, and am only now hijacking his "blog." Maybe this is due to my aforementioned mad computer hacking skills, or perhaps it means Haiku Head never made it back from the past. Guess you'll have to wait and see. It's not like anyone who visits this site has anything better to do.

new fan mail address for all you fans

Great news, kids! It's me, The Haiku Master, and thanks to good people at Verizon, my Internet connection is now akin to the greasiest of greased lightning! Which means they shall henceforth be known as Verizon: The Official Internet Service Provider of The Haiku Master!!!

James Earl Jones (Right) Personally Welcomed The Haiku Master To Verizon

That's right! After years of dealing with dial-up, the one true Pharaoh of 5-7-5 now does his "web surfing" with a nice, fast DSL connection -- and frankly, I couldn't be happier! The one downside is that H.I.'s Minister of Information had to spend the whole afternoon setting up Verizon email addresses for all of us... but luckily enough, thehaikumaster@verizon.net hadn't been claimed before I got my hands on it!

I know, I know; I can barely believe it was still available, either!

So there you have it; when you're dying to drop me a line, drop it to my spanking new email address, which has also been added to the handy "Fan Mail" link on the right-hand side of this page. Tell 'em I sent you... me, The Haiku Master!!!

Best,

a moment of silence for nipsey russell

Heavens to Murgatoid! It's me, The Haiku Master, and I don't know if it's something in the air, but yet another cool person has up and died on us... and this time it was our nation's Poet Laureate, Nipsey Russell (link goes to Los Angeles' ABC affiliate)!

R.I.P. Poet Laureate Nipsey Russell: 1924-2005

Poet, game show contestant, professional celebrity: had he been able to free himself of that juvenile need for rhyming, he might have even made a fine Haiku Master. But he chose to go his own way, and who are we to question the results?

Unfortunately, this means our so-called President now gets to pick the next Poet Laureate, on top of his two-pack of Supreme Court appointees! Is there no justice?! No, no -- don't dwell on the bad; dwell on the good. And what better way to celebrate the goodness that was Nipsey than with one of his prize-winning poems?

Beauty's only skin-deep
But ugly's clear to the bone.
Beauty often fades away,
But ugly holds its own.

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Goodnight, and god bless.

Best,

can't stop jodie foster's signal

Greetings friends! 'Tis I, The Haiku Master, taking a little break from my Big Vegas Caper to do a victory dance -- for try as he might, wannabe-Roddenberry Joss Whedon couldn't unseat America's reigning queen of moviemaking, my beloved Jodie Foster (link goes to The Hollywood Reporter)!

Ahh, If Only She Were Holding Cabbage: The Haiku Master Loves Jodie Foster, But Not In A Creepy John Hinckley, Jr. Kind Of Way

That's right! As of this morning, the weekend box office total saw Foster's Flightplan earn $14.8 million, while Whedon's Serenity only gained a paltry $10.1 million! What's more, Flightplan was in its second week of release, while Serenity was a brand new addition to your local cineplex; talk about star power!!

All of which proves my longstanding theory: movie audiences love Jodie Foster! Not as much as the Sultan of Syllables does, mind you, but they love her all the same.

So let this stand as a lesson to you big-shot Hollywood producers -- if you want a major hit on your hands, make sure Jodie Foster's name comes above the title on the poster. Otherwise, you're gunning for Second Place City... or worse!

Best,