final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. IV

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CHAPTER IV

Once inside, Joe took us to AT HQ's main briefing room, where another batch of older, familiar faces awaited.

As I set my bags down on the stone floor, they rose to greet me: Man of Action, Air Adventurer, The Commando -- even Sea Adventurer, looking out of place as always without his motorized raft. But someone was missing...

"Hey," I said. "Where's Bulletman? You know, the Human Bullet?"

"He met his match in Vestman the Human Bulletproof Vest," Joe told me somberly. "I tried to warn him, but he just wouldn't listen..." Then, to everyone: "Okay men, now that we're all here let's get to the matter at hand."

Bulletman The Human Bullet Met His Match In Vestman The Human Bulletproof Vest

"'Bout damn time," Sea Adventurer muttered. "Things go right down the crapper at my seafood restaurant every time I'm outta town, so the sooner I get back the better!"

"Seafood restaurant?" The Commando scoffed. "You mean that Long John Silver's franchise of yours? Shit, I guarantee my brokerage firm makes more in a week than you do in a whole year of selling greasy-ass fishsticks and such."

"What the--?!? I'm gonna shove a fishstick up your greasy ass, you--!"

"Settle down--," Joe started, but was immediately interrupted by Air Adventurer.

"They kinda got a point, Joe," he said. "I'd much rather be making time with the nurses at the V.A. hospital than hanging around in the woods with you yahoos. No offense intended."

"Yeah!" added Man of Action. "Let's get going here. I, uh -- I hate sitting!"

"Enough!" Joe shouted. "If you goldbrickers would pipe down for two seconds, going is exactly where I would get! Now sit down, shut up, and pay attention!!!"

With all eyes on him, Joe took the podium.

"Right then. Thirty-five years ago, the Adventure Team undertook a mission codenamed 'Capture of the Pygmy Gorilla.' During which, of course, we rescued an African pygmy village from a rampaging, presumably evil, pygmy gorilla."

"I remember that," I heard The Commando mutter to Air Adventurer. "That shit made no sense. I mean, sending in a badass paramilitary strike team to take out a midget ape?"

"Commando..." Joe said.

"Alright, alright," said The Commando.

The Dreaded Pygmy Gorilla

"At any rate, the mission was a success. After the pygmy gorilla was secured, it was brought to a top secret government lab for further study. But its story doesn't end there."

"Lucky for us," Sea Adventurer sneered.

"Having ran a full battery of tests on the pygmy gorilla, the top secret lab determined it wasn't evil at all, simply hungry, and eventually released it to the relative freedom of Florida's Lion Country Safari. But the other Safari inhabitants never took to the strange creature, and it soon found itself in mortal danger.

"Fortunately, I had been monitoring its situation, and called the team into action for the mission codenamed 'Rescue the Pygmy Gorilla.' During which, of course, we rescued the pygmy gorilla."

"Which was even stupider!" The Commando said.

"Indeed it was, Commando. For as I've recently learned, the lab was wrong all along -- I was wrong! The pygmy gorilla is evil, and now has the domination of Earth within its grasp! Which is exactly why I've called you all together for one last mission, codenamed... 'Final Hunt for the Pygmy Gorilla!'"

Suddenly, brassy patriotic music began to drift into Headquarters through hidden speakers, amplifying the wind-up to Joe's pitch.

"The Adventure Team will again be stronger and the world safer because of us, men, even if it means we go out in an awe-inspiring blaze of glory instead of rusting away in some crappy retirement home where the male orderlies rifle through your care packages and won't clean you up when you have the occassional accident during naptime! Now let me hear you, Adventure Team: All for one and one for all!"

"Man, this is bullshit!" The Commando shouted, rising from his seat in anger. "Bu-u-u-lshit, you old jive turkey motherfu--!"

A crazed look in his eyes, Joe pulled a high-caliber pistol from the waistband of his fatigues. In less time than it took to say, "Whoa!," he had it cocked and pointed at The Commando's head.

"I said all for one and one for all, mister! All for one and one for all! ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!!!"

Right about then, an explosion rocked Adventure Team Headquarters. The lights flickered, then went out, and I heard scores of voices screaming in unison outside: "Yo, Joe!!!"

Which, as it turned out, wasn't caused by a mob of Joe fanatics hoping to see their idol.

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