final hunt for the pygmy gorilla, pt. V

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CHAPTER V

No doubt about it, Adventure Team Headquarters was under attack -- and to make matters worse, Joe had gone stark raving mad!

"No, not them!" he gasped, still pointing his pistol at The Commando's head. "Why does it have to be them?"

"Giant ants!?!" I asked, incredulously. "Awesome! I've never fought giant ants before!"

"Giant ants don't yell 'Yo Joe!,' boy!" Man of Action barked. "Only one bunch of pansy-assed yahoos use that term."

The Haiku Master Thought He'd Have An Opportunity To Fight Giant Ants, But Was Wrong

"You mean..." started Air Adventurer.

"...our successors," finished Sea Adventurer.

"Successors my ass!" added The Commando. "Cheap imitators is more like it -- look how many of 'em it takes to get a job done! Can't believe they call themselves 'Real American Heroes."

"ADVENTURE TEAM!" boomed a voice via an outside PA system. "THIS IS THE R.A.H. SQUADRON! WE HAVE YOUR BASE SURROUNDED, AND HAVE NEUTRALIZED YOUR POWER SUPPLY!"

"Yeah, 'Real American Zeros' is more like it!" guffawed Man of Action. "Haw, haw!"

"I mean, how good could they be?" said Mike Power. "There's not... an Amazing Atomic Man!... in the lot!"

"WE HAVE NO QUARREL WITH MOST OF YOU -- WE JUST WANT JOE. ANYTHING HE'S TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PYGMY GORILLA IS A LIE. GIVE HIM UP, AND THE REST OF YOU CAN GO IN PEACE."

"Well, well, well, Joe, looks like I ain't the only one what wants to bust you upside the head," The Commando said.

At that point, we saw something we'd have previously written off as impossible: Joe dropped his gun, slid to the ground next to the briefing room's podium, put his head in his hands... and started to cry. Big, blubbery, wracking sobs; a real embarrassing scene, to be sure.

"Oh gah--! Gah! I... I'm s-s-s-so s-sorry! S-s-so sorry! I m-made it up! Made it all up! Even hired Emmanuel Lewis to hide in the jungle in a pygmy ape suit, just so... just so... just so I could see all of you again! Just to feel alive again!"

"Say what?" The Commando said in disbelief. "Emmanuel Lewis? In a pygmy ape suit? Hiding in the woods? That has got to me some of the -- no, that is the craziest, most messed-up thing I have ever heard of, man! And all because--"

"ADVENTURE TEAM!" came the PA again.

"All because you're--"

"YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO EITHER GIVE UP JOE OR EXIT THE PREMISES. AFTER THAT, WE'RE COMING IN!"

"All because you're lonely and living in a shitty nursing home? Shit, Joe, you and me were brothers -- why didn't you just call me up and say you needed a hand? I woulda been glad to help."

The other Adventure Team members quickly concurred. Even Power, who added, "If nothing else, I could have built an amazing atomic companion for you. Been thinking of whipping one up for myself!"

"Guys, you have no idea how much that means to me," said a humbled Joe. "Looks like I've still got a lot to learn about the meaning of 'all for one and one for all,' huh? But right now, I think I better go outside before I get you in any more trouble than I already have."

"Just outta curiosity, Joe, what do they want you for?" Air Adventurer asked, cooly smoking a cigarette. "I mean, besides making up a pygmy gorilla threat and giving Emmanuel Lewis his first paying gig in years."

"Well, uh, the equipment I got for us to use on this mission. I sort of... borrowed it... from the R.A.H. base..."

Man of Action leapt forward. "It's no crime for a commander to arm his men!" he shouted. "If they want you, they'll have to go through me first!"

"They'll have to go through all of us, Man of Action -- the whole big, bad Adventure Team itself," said The Commando, extending his right hand, palm down. "Are you with us, Joe?"

"I'm with you, all right," Joe confirmed, planting his hand on top of The Commando's. "Let's hear it... partners! All for one and..."

A wave of hands, my own included, rushed to join this brave alliance, and we gladly took up the Adventure Team's time-honored battlecry: "...ONE FOR ALL!!!"

"ADVENTURE TEAM, YOUR FIVE MINUTES ARE UP!" the R.A.H.s challenged from outside. "WE'RE COMING IN!"

And just like that, the "H" was "O."

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