drunk in the heart of texas, pt. VII

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CHAPTER VII

I awoke with a start on Saturday, finding myself on a lawn chair by the Stuart Beach Inn's pool. My head was sore, pounding like a Keith Moon drum solo as it had the previous morning.

The Pool Area At The Stuart Beach Inn

"Swear to god someone's been kicking it!" I groaned.

"Ha ha, señor!" came Paulo's voice, startling me. I whirled around, and saw that my bandmates had also slept poolside. Texas Kelly was nowhere in sight. "You drink too much again last night, Hombre muy Extraño! Too much, too much!"

"Heh heh," added Rudy. "Sí, you made a real burro out of yourself, Señor Amo del Haiku! You should be more careful!"

"Yes, I suppose I should," I conceded. Still, I'd begun to suspect Paulo wasn't being entirely forthcoming on this matter.

But there was no time for that now -- not with a gig to be played at Hyde Park's Fresh-Plus in just a few hours! I headed up to the room with the other Masters of Mariachi behind me, curious as to what had become of our manager.

Throwing the door open, I bore witness to something that made me pray for blindness: Texas Kelly, sleeping in the room's sole bed with two of the mentally challenged groupies who had attacked our bus the day before! And, of course, a giant bag of Lay's potato chips.

Texas Kelly (Center) And His Friday Night Conquests

"Heavens to Hefner!" I gasped, waking Kelly up. "Talk about giving comfort to the enemy -- what the hell do you think you're doing, T.K.?"

"Aww, shucks," said Kelly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "This? Just educating these little fillies in the ways of cheap physical love, Texas-style."

"But they tried to kill us yesterday!"

"Kill us? Hell, they were just overly excited." Kelly climbed out of the bed, and started to pull on his clothes. "Don't worry, though. I wore these two plum out. They won't be no more trouble."

"But they're underage, man!" I continued. Paulo and the boys swarmed the bed, apparently wanting to verify Kelly's claims of the girls' exhaustion.

"Oh yeah, that," Kelly said, pulling his boots on. "Well, that's why I told 'em my name's the Muffin Man. It'll serve that #%@$er right to get hit with some statutory rape charges, after all the times he's tried to #%@$ my up-and-coming bands!"

The issue settled, Kelly woke the girls and put them on a bus back to their academy, handing them the Muffin Man's phone number as they left. Then, we were ready to mari-rock the Fresh-Plus... and though I didn't realize it at the time, it was a show that would mark the Pharaoh of 5-7-5's last-ever appearance with Masters of Mariachi!!!

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