one if bin laden, two if haiku, pt. VI

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CHAPTER VI

"And now, you non-rhyming infidel poet," said bin Laden, about to use his scimitar to slice one of the ropes keeping me and the net below from tumbling into the lava, "it's time for you to..."

"HAIKU-YA!" cried Haiku Girl, unexpectedly bursting into the lava room through a hidden door! "Forget it, bin La-dumb! Nobody cooks The Haiku Master on my watch!"

A strange light emanated from H.G.'s funky ring, striking bin Laden and his posse...and they horrificly morphed into swine with human heads!

Thanks To Haiku Girl's Magic Ring, The OBL Posse Learned The True Meaning Of 'Unclean'

"That's for trying to take over Purgatory Coffee!" she shouted as the bin Laden pigs ran squealing from the room. "Next time, you'd better leave that nice girl Heather alone -- she's a friend of mine!"

"So much worse than -- OINK! -- bacon! So much worse than bacon!" bin Laden grunted back. "You have earned my -- OINK! OINK! -- eternal indemnity, Haiku Girl!"

"Nice work, H.G. -- you're getting a raise for this!" I said, amazed. "But, uh, do you think you could use that magic ring of yours to whisk me off this net? My fine mane of cabbage hair is starting to wilt!"

"Zoiks!!" she said. Then, waving her ring: "Alacazoo, Alacazedge, put The Haiku Master on this ledge!"

ZAP! Just like that I was standing next to her, and we high-fived in triumph! "Come on!" I said. "Let's get out of here before anything else crazy happens!"

"Right behind you, H.M.!"

We were topside within minutes. Well, within minutes after I stopped at a rather dilapidated vending machine to buy a pack of Hostess Snack Cakes -- the Official Snack Cake of Professional Crimefighters!

Before we jumped into her car, though, Haiku Girl stopped outside the warehouse and waved that kooky magic ring of hers again.

"Hold on, H.M.!" she said. "I want to make sure this warehouse poses no further threat to the good people of Minneapolis!"

A green bolt of magic energy burst forth from the ring, and the warehouse exploded!

Bin Laden's Hideout, Post Haiku Girl

"Sweet Jesus, H.G.!" I said. "You could really put someone's eye out with that thing!"

Suddenly, a short little man in a ten-gallon hat came running towards us, a furious look on his face.

"Dagnabbit, what do you meddling kids think you're doing?" he shouted. "That's my building -- you'd better be prepared to pay for this!"

Haiku Girl and I looked at each other, laughing uncontrollably. I mean, really! Crimefighters? Pay for property damage? Whoever heard of such a thing!? Maybe on Bizarro World...but not here on good ol' Mother Earth, folks!

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EPILOGUE

So that, loyal readers, was that. OBL and his crew may have escaped, but in their new pig bodies they no longer posed an immediate threat to the fine coffee houses of the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. Which meant my latest thrilling adventure was coming to an end!

After an afternoon spent taking in art galleries and dining on local delicacies, Haiku Girl dropped me off at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, where another 747 would return me to my top secret base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs.

"I guess this is it, H.G.," I said. "Have you given any more thought to my sidekick offer?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said. "I've been doing all right on my own -- heck, I'm just weeks away from single-handedly wiping out all crime in Minneapolis! After that, who knows. Maybe Seattle, maybe Philadelphia. We'll see."

"Well if it makes any difference, know that the one and only Sultan of Syllables thinks the East Coast needs you more than those flakey hippies on the West! Until we meet again, Haiku Girl!"

"Until we meet again, Haiku Master!" she replied, waving as she pulled away from the terminal.

My heart heavy with the sorrow of parting -- which, I might add, is never sweet, despite what that Shakespeare fraud might say to the contrary! -- I headed inside to await my flight at the nearest overpriced airport tavern. But as the barkeep poured the first of what would be many flight relaxants, my spirits were buoyed with the knowledge that I was not alone in my tireless quest to fight crime and spread haiku...and that Haiku Girl and The Haiku Master would no doubt meet again in the future!

Not to mention the Hostess Snack Cakes, which I discovered in my smoking jacket pocket after beer number five.

Hostess: The Only Snack Cake Endorsed By The Haiku Master

As always, those things really hit the spot! So sayeth I...The Haiku Master!