one if bin laden, two if haiku, pt. V

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CHAPTER V

Upon our arrival at Osama bin Laden's warehouse hideout in downtown Minneapolis, Haiku Girl and I prepared to leap into action!

Despite The Clever Subterfuge, The Haiku Master & Haiku Girl Did Indeed Find Bin Laden Hiding In This Abandoned Warehouse

"Okay, H.G., this is it," I said, slinging a knapsack full of bacon over my shoulder. "Let's synchronize watches. I've got 7:18 -- you?"

"6:19 on my end, H.M."

"What the -- one of us is wa-a-a-a-ay off, and I don't think it's my trusty Timex! Let's bring it up to speed, kid."

"But H.M.!" she said. "Your watch is probably still set to Baltimore time. Minneapolis is an hour behind the east coast, remember?"

"What kind of crazy time-travel nonsense are you blabbering about, H.G.? Now stop goofing around -- I'm beginning to have second thoughts about my sidekick offer!"

The time issue settled, H.G. and I approached the warehouse's front door. Opting for the direct approach, I knocked loudly three times.

"Who is it?" a voice asked from within.

"Koran-Gram, mate" I said, affecting a perfect Australian accent. "All praise to Allah."

"Koran-Gram? We didn't order a Koran-Gram."

"That is correct. This Koran-Gram is a most blessed gift from the Saudi royal family!"

"Ahh, why didn't you say so!" said the voice. "Let me get the door..."

Turning slightly, I gave Haiku Girl a double thumb's up, and the warehouse's entrance opened. The man on the other side peeked through -- and was hit squarely in the face by a wet piece of bacon thrown with Marino-esque precision by my partner!

"Gah!" he cried, clutching madly at the offending meat product. "Not again!"

"Again and again and again if necessary!" I barked, shoving a piece of bacon into the punk's mouth. "How do you like the taste of that, huh? Infidel-icious, no?"

"Blearghhhhh!!!" he screamed through the bacon, running forward blindly into the street...where he was promptly crushed by a passing bus!

"Nice start," I said to Haiku Girl, "but now it's time to end this mad game of coffee house terror once and for all!"

"Right on, H.M.! Haiku powers -- activate!"

"Man, that is one kick-ass battlecry!" I said in appreciation. "I should think about trading up. But in the meantime -- Hiyo, Haiku!"

H.G. behind me, I stormed into the warehouse...only to hit a trap door three steps in! After a long slide I was spat out onto a frayed net, which in turn was overhanging a lava pit!

Thanks To His Brash Actions, The Haiku Master Soon Found Himself Suspended Over A Lava Pit, Much Like This One From Temple Of Doom

"For #%$@'s sake!" I cursed. "I am really looking like an amateur on this case!"

"Of course you are!" cried a voice. "All infidels are amateurs before the divine eyes of Allah!"

I turned to look -- and saw bin Laden and his remaining crew on a ledge 20' away! I then realized I'd lost my knapsack of bacon during the tumble, and was now defenseless in the face of Islam's most notorious outlaw!

"Oh," I said. "So that's how you want to play it, huh? Do you expect me to be scared, bin Laden?"

"No, Mr. Haiku Master," he said, holding a scimitar over one of two frail ropes that attached the net to the chamber's far wall. "In the immortal words of my close, personal friend, Auric Goldfinger...'I expect you to die!!'"

Well, I certainly don't see any way out of this, loyal readers. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion, in which I shall no doubt meet a horrible end!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'ONE IF BIN LADEN, TWO IF HAIKU' PT. VI---