wheelin' and dealin', pt. II

***
CHAPTER II

Following Old Man Winter's frantic phone call, I directed Castle Haiku's staff to prepare the Haiku Plane for takeoff, and was Cairo-bound within the hour. Upon landing at Cairo International Airport, I cast about for a ride to the local Motel 6... and soon found one in the form of a slackjawed lad and his camel-powered buggy!

Cairo

"I know you!" the boy, Fuad, gasped as we trotted through the packed city streets. "You are a very famous American, yes?"

"Er, well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but yes, yes I am," I replied, truthfully.

"I knew it! Where have I seen you?"

"Well, I'm the internationally renowned crimefighter known as..."

"Yes, now I know! You are on that very funny show, how you do you say it, 'Kids in the Hall!'"

"'Kids in the Hall?'"

"Yes!"

"No..."

"Yes!"

"...it rings a bell, but..."

"Yes!"

"No, really, I'm..."

"Cabbage Head! Yes, you are the Cabbage Head! Ha ha ha, I knew it! You make me laugh so much on the television! Please -- please let me have your autograph!"

"Cabbage Head!? Why you-!!" I barked. "I'm The Haiku Master, fool, not some two-bit impersonator!"

"But..."

"But nothing! I've heard enough! That's my stop up there -- pull over!"

Fuad savagely forced the camel to halt, and I disembarked.

"Wait, wait mister, don't be angry," he begged. "It's just that you look so much like him!"

"Hmm. Well, I suppose it is a common enough mistake," I said as I paid the fare. "Nevertheless, the Sultan of Syllables doesn't take kindly to being compared to lame sketch comedy characters from Canada! Now good day, sir!"

Grabbing my bag, I headed to the Motel 6's front desk. After checking in, I asked the concierge to inform Old Man Winter of my arrival, then went up to my room to await his call. It didn't take long; I was only into my second glass of George Dickel: The Official Whisky of The Haiku Master when the room's phone started to ring.

George Dickel No's. 8 & 12: The Only Whisky Endorsed By The Haiku Master

"Haiku Master's room," I answered, suavely. "Haiku Master speaking."

"Hey, Haiku Master! Haiku Master, it's me, Old Man Winter! How's it going?"

"It's going fine, but a busy man like me doesn't have time for pleasantries. Now what's going on with this Egyptian cotton deal?"

"Oh right, the cotton! Hey Haiku Master, listen, it's all under control! Minderbinder's here and he's ready to get down to business. We're gonna be rich, baby -- filthy, stinking rich!"

"Minderbinder? Who's this Minderbinder?"

"Oh, Milo -- he's the broker on this little transaction. Don't worry about him though, Haiku Master, he's cool. Me and him go way back."

"You're trying to tell me that someone named Milo Minderbinder is 'cool?'"

"Yeah, Haiku Master! You can trust me on this -- I haven't gone off my meds since February! Honest!"

"Well, as much as it pains me, I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. Where does 'Milo' want to do this? Your room? My room? The motel's lounge? Time's a-wastin', man!"

There was some muffled chatter from Old Man Winter's end. Seconds passed, and then: "Hey Haiku Master! Haiku Master, it's me, Old Man Winter! You still there?"

"Yes, I'm still here! And stop shouting, goddammit!"

"Okay, great! Listen, he says we're coming over there -- room 227, right?"

"Right, 227. Now hurry up. And bring your own booze for once, you mooching bastard!"

I set the receiver down and finished off my drink, wondering what kind of bad craziness would ensue once O.M.W. and this Minderbinder freak walked through the door. Little did I know I had nothing to worry about!

---CLICK HERE FOR 'WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'' PT. III---