jack black can go to hell

Hello, fun-lovers. It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever in a sore mood -- because I just wasted the whole day going to New York City to appear on Letterman, only to get bumped because "funnyman" Jack Black lampooned too long while promoting his big-budget remake of Mighty Joe Young!!

The Haiku Master Is No Fan Of Jack Black

That bastard really has his nerve! See, the whole thing started when I got a call from the Late Show's producer, who told me Letterman had seen my mug over Times Square last night (as part of my nomination for TIME's Person of the Year award) and insisted I be booked as a guest post haste. Having nothing outside the usual planned for today, I agreed and was quickly on my way to New York.

So it was that I found myself ensconced in the Green Room at the fabled Ed Sullivan Theater, and everything seemed to be going smoothly... a little too smoothly, as I should have realized! Thanks to the Green Room's monitors, I bore witness to Black's long-winded buffoonery, followed by noted anti-Papist Sinead O'Connor. Then, instead of following the game plan and calling yours truly to the stage, he wished everyone goodnight and called it a show! Without even a mention of the Pharaoh of 5-7-5! Unfathomable!!

The Haiku Master Waits Patiently In The Green Room For A Letterman Appearance That Would Never Come

Some flunky then explained to me that Black had ran too long, and would I be interested in being re-booked for another night, say, April 12th? Though I have no intention of following through -- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me -- I agreed, then swiped the Green Room's box of complimentary donuts before returning to my base of operations in the Baltimore suburbs, a.k.a. Castle Haiku.

Ah well. I suppose it wasn't a total waste. After all, I got the free donuts. And the satisfaction of knowing Letterman will be scrambling for a last-minute guest when I don't show up in four months. Try Danny Bonaduce, you gap-toothed freak! Just don't try me... The Haiku Master!!!

Best (unless your name is Jack Black or David Letterman),