the haiku master's big vegas caper, pt. VII

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CHAPTER VII

So it was that our merry band of adventurers found itself scattered, and I was escorted to Haikunestro's top secret laboratory miles below the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek: The Experience concession! Once there, the Star Fleet washouts assigned the unenviable task of guarding the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 forced me into a black unitard before strapping me to a white medical table.

These Guys Had Their Hands Full Keeping An Eye On The Haiku Master

"So, uh, what's the plan guys?" I asked. "Not a prostate exam, I hope?"

"That's Cap'n Haikunestro's decision, swine," snarled one of the guards. "Now shut your man-pleaser before I come over there and shut it for you."

"Shut my... oh, that's gross!" I said. The guard advanced, smacking a truncheon into his open palm. "Gah, I mean -- shutting up, sir!"

"That's more like it," he said, rejoining his companions by the lab's entrance.

Minutes ticked by, marked by the vintage high school-style clock on the wall. Finally, after nearly an hour, the lab's doors whooshed open... and in walked my old foe!

"Ahh, Haiku Master. I trust you've made yourself comfortable?"

"Well no, not really," I said. "Those goons of yours..."

"I don't. actually. care. if you're comfortable! Idiot!!"

"Oh, sorry. You did ask."

"It was an ironic rhetorical question, you moron! What the hell is wrong with you?! But never mind that -- I nearly forgot my reason for inviting you here to my sanctum sanctorum!"

"This is your sanctum sanctorum?" I said, barely holding back my disdain as I looked around the lab. "Not to be immodest, but I have to admit my sanctum sanctorum easily surpasses your sanctum sanctorum in both sanctum and sanctorum capacities."

"Shut the #@%$ up!!!" Haikunestro screamed. "We're not at your sanctum sanctorum, we're at my sanctum sanctorum, which means my house, my rules! And the first rule is, next thing out of your mouth and the highly trained pack of vicious assassins behind me is going to give you the Full Metal Jacket Private Pyle treatment!"

"They're going to go in the bathroom and blow their own heads off?"

"No!! Goddammit!! They're going to beat you in the stomach with pillowcases full of soap bars!! Now shut! the #@%$! up!!!"

"Alright, alright, geez!"

"Much better. Now then. Where were we? Ah yes -- why I invited you here. You'd probably like to know that, hmm?"

"Y--"

"Don't talk!! Just nod your goddamn head!!"

I nodded in the affirmative.

"Very good. And the answer is quite simple. You've been a thorn in my side for far too long, see, so I've decided to get rid of you once and for all... by sending you back in time to a point before either one of us was even born!"

With those words, a large, golden, star-shapped object descended from the ceiling towards yours truly, spinning wildly and glowing with some strange inner power!

"What on earth is that?" I asked.

"My temporal displacer. I hope you like it!"

Haikunestro (Left) Savors His Victory As The Haiku Master Prepares For Temporal Displacement

"Temporal displacer, huh? Do you expect me to be talk?"

"Expect you to talk? Why the hell would I expect you to talk?! I already told you to shut! up!! No, dumbass -- I expect you to be temporally displaced!"

With that, Haikunestro flicked a switch on a nearby control panel and the device shot out a beam of light, ensnaring me in a golden field of energy! Everything went dark and I drifted through time... making this a great point at which to end this chapter!!!


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