marino mania
Hut-Hut-Hike, 'ku believers! It's me, The Haiku Master, here to celebrate the biggest event of the year: once-and-future Miami Dolphins Quarterback Dan Marino's induction into the National Football League's Hall of Fame, taking place today, August 7, at 12:00 p.m. E.T.!!!
Dan Marino Quarterbacked The Miami Dolphins From 1983-2000, And Will Again In Valhalla
Being the Sultan of Syllables, I've written a haiku in honor of my close, personal friend's big day, and it goes something like this:
Thirteen on his chest
Foul mouth, rocket-launching arm
Danny's Canton-bound
Foul mouth, rocket-launching arm
Danny's Canton-bound
There, that ought to coax a tear or two out of Ol' #13. But Haiku International's Marino Mania doesn't end there! We're also pleased to re-present the true details of an adventure Marino and I once shared, originally published on this site back on February 5; enjoy!
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In The Haiku Master's experience, being "The Man" is almost always a bad thing. Who sends you bills? The Man. Who taxes your income? The Man. Who gets filthy rich while you never get enough? The Man. Who says it's illegal to fire off large caliber weapons in the privacy of one's apartment? The Man.
To which I say, "#%$@ The Man."
But Marino is one "The Man" with whom one does not want to #%$@.
I'll probably embarrass Danny by telling this story, but he and I once worked a case together. God, it was ages ago; 1988, I believe, and I was still but a Haiku Apprentice. Earth Command had asked the late Haiku Master Charles Bukowski (my sensei) and me -- along with Marino, Patty Hearst, Evel Knievel, and Chuck D -- to investigate a reported Nazi alien infestation on the Dark Side of the Moon.
Sure enough, Earth Command's suspicions were right on the nail. Seconds after our shuttle touched down on the moon's green cheese surface -- and having been there, I can assure you it is made of green cheese -- our hearty band of adventurers was confronted by a throng of goose-stepping, tentacled, interstellar foreigners!
The battle that ensued was mighty, and may have been my last had it not been for the strong arm and unerring accuracy of Marino. I fought well that day, my friends, and was finishing off one of the Nazi aliens with the Haikung Fu technique referred to as the Cleveland Steamer... but never noticed the alien Kapitän sneaking up behind me!
Fortunately, Marino did -- and rocketed a plutonium-core football at the bastard's head before it had time to remove my own with its plasma sword!
Needless to say, everyone in our group survived that bloody day, though the aliens did not. Which just goes to show: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit in the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't #%$@ around with Dan "The Man" Marino.
* * *
Thrilling stuff, huh? Well, you didn't think the Pharaoh of 5-7-5 was going to bust out something boring, did you? But enough jibber jabber -- time for me to fire up Castle Haiku's high-tech bank of Sony Trinitron plasma monitors before the gala spectacle begins. Sa-lute, Daniel Constantine Marino, Jr.! Sa-lute!
Best,
5 comments:
Sorry to hear about your stint in the Cuban gulag, but hey. Speaking of butt hay, Minnesota's pigskin poopheads are supposed to be better this year say the pundits. My sidekick seems to have lost faith and still gets misty eyed whenever someone mentions the good ol' days and Fran Tarkenton . . .
Remember him? (or maybe you were just a little Haiku Master dude at the time.
Hope you have made a full recovery after Cuba.
Cal
Dan Marino is great and all, but where's the love for dill relish? In my oppinion it's the most underrated of all relishes, including mango (may the man who created that be torn asunder by pygmy goats!), and it's definitely the most delicious. It's tart and sour but not to excess, and is the perfect complimentary garnish for hotdogs and hamburgers alike. So if Dan Marino and dill relish were to go head to head in a harrowing curling match to the death, i'd put my money on dill relish.
Well it's always great to get fan mail, and equally great for you loyal readers when I deign to respond! So, here we go:
First, welcome back, Cal! I do indeed recall Tarkenton... though I must admit I primarily remember him as the guy who used to have all the records Marino has now! Sorry, that was a cheap shot on an honorable pigskin warrior, but I am in full Marino mindset tonight. All other football heroes get mentioned at their own risk!
Second, welcome The Condimentor... but watch what you say about Marino! AND condiments! It just so happens I'm deeply indebted to one condiment in particular -- mayonnaise (http://thehaikumaster.blogspot.com/2005/05/man-oh-man-do-i-ever-love-mayonnaise.html) -- and discussion of all others are verboten per the terms of my lucrative endorsement deal. As for the challenge in question, Marino once expertly cannonballed a ziplocked bag of cheese into a refrigerator for a television commercial, so I've no doubt he could make equally short work of any condiments you may throw his way. He is, after all, Dan "The Man" Marino. Still and all, nice to make your acquaintance; make yourself at home!
Best,
The Haiku Master
But... but... but... but...
what about Stan?
Why don't anyone fuckin' care about Stan?!
For years I have stood in my brother's shadow, and for years I have tried to show that I am JUST as talented at compressing can goods for the Del Monte corporation as Dan was at throwing a lousy football! But noooo, I never get ANY credit.
All I want is your equal love, but I remain forgotten!
Man, MORE fan mail? Talk about Festivus in July! Or August, as the case may be. Either way, here's some more replies for you lucky souls:
First, Tabitha (as previously indicated, Haiku International has a strict "ladies first" policy): I'm glad you told me to take a breath, 'cause sister, for a second there I thought the late, great Cap'n Shrimpstain had come back from the dead as a zombie! Thanks for letting me know about the tribute site. I'll definitely drop by to pay my respects, though I may need a day or two to gather my thoughts; the Cap'n's still sorely missed around these parts!
Second, Stan: Sounds like you caught some tough breaks in life, friend, but are you sure none of it's your fault? After all, while Dan was tirelessly honing his craft on the ice cold fields of your family's impoverished Pittsburgh neighborhood, what were you doing? Hmm? Goofing off? Taking it easy? Reading MAD Magazine? I certainly was, but that's not the point. The point is, life is what you make of it!
Best,
The Haiku Master
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