sub-mariner rules, aquaman drools

Land ho, thrill seekers! It's me, The Haiku Master, and am I ever troubled by a recent social phenomenon. That's right -- all the gosh-darn media attention being devoted to the world's number-two seafaring super-hero, Aquaman!

Outside His Awesome Taste In Colors, Aquaman Has Little Going For Him

Apparently, the furor started when Hollywood mogul James Cameron announced his intention to make a big budget Aquaman flick during a recent episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. This drew a great deal of scorn from the entertainment press, launching a flood of high-profile media reports on the so-called King of the Seven Seas.

While the majority of those exposés were deservedly negative, an important factor was overlooked in the hubbub. Specifically that Aquaman is, has been, and always will be the second-best at what he does, so long as Prince Namor of Atlantis, a.k.a. The Sub-Mariner, swims the earth!

Aquaman Could Learn A Lot From Atlantis' Avenging Son, The Sub-Mariner

Want proof? Let's look at a few key crimefighter categories, and see who comes out on top:

1) Super Powers: Aquaman can breathe underwater. And, uh, talk to fishes. (An ability so weak they even made a joke about it in The Godfather!) In addition to breathing underwater, Sub-Mariner's as strong as The Thing, has weird wings on his feet that let him fly, and can go bat-shit crazy at the drop of a hat. Plus, he has a bad-ass horn that he uses to call his sidekick, Giganto -- a humongous whale with human legs and arms!

2) Nicknames: Aquaman would have you believe his friends call him "the King of the Seven Seas." Yawn. Sub-Mariner? When he's in a good mood, he calls himself "the Avenging Son." If he's feeling surly? Then it's "the Scourge of the Sea" -- like it or not!

3) Sidekicks: Aquaman's sidekick calls himself Aqualad. Really. As for Sub-Mariner, see the previously referenced Giganto.

4) Top Secret Bases of Operation: I'm not really sure where Aquaman spends his downtime -- probably freeloading at the Hall of Justice -- but Sub-Mariner kicks it at his palace in Atlantis. Unless he's gone bat-shit crazy, as he often does, in which case he can be found attacking the U.N. Building in New York. Which is one of the many reasons I try to stay out of New York.

5) Battle Cries: Sub-Mariner wins this one by default, but it's damn hard to beat his "Imperius Rex!" Easily one of the coolest in the business.

6) Aliases (Or is it "Aliai?"): When it comes time to show I.D., Aquaman has to fess up to being Arthur Curry. Sub-Mariner, on the other hand, can proudly tell the arresting officer he is Prince Namor of Atlantis -- Imperius Rex!

7) Seniority: Aquaman moseyed onto the scene in 1941... a good two years after Sub-Mariner made his debut in 1939!

8) Legacy: Sub-Mariner has the dual distinction of being the first underwater super-hero and the first anti-super-hero. Aquaman is notable for being the second underwater super-hero.

No doubt about it -- Sub-Mariner's eight for eight in the above categories. But let's make it official by comparing a couple of their adventures. For parity's sake, we'll limit our study to issue #35 of their eponymous comic book series. First up, Aquaman #35:

Aquaman #35

Okay, not too shabby. I guess. If you can ignore the fact that "the King" is already conceding defeat right there on the cover. Still, the kids get to see him locked in a scuffle with some dudes called The Ocean Master (no relation to yours truly) and Black Manta. One that's being fought to see which third-rate super-villain gets to off him. Thrilling stuff. I'm sure it'll be hard for Prince Namor to top that in Sub-Mariner #35:

Sub-Mariner #35

Holy %#$@! Did you see that?! Not only is he fighting for his life with a giant octopus, but he's somehow managed to enrage an entire fleet of Soviet subs to the point where one of the crazed Russkies is ready to fire his sub-machine gun right through his vessel's porthole! And if Subby somehow lives through all that, there's a hungry shark coming up at him from below!!!

And the kicker? He's got to fight them all off with a pocketknife! A pocketknife!! Now that's what I call High Adventure!!!

So there you have it, loyal readers (and Mr. Cameron): Sub-Mariner rules, Aquaman drools. Case closed by me... The Haiku Master!

Best,